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Looks like time to hit the liquor store


Hi! It's me, Editrix. I hear you guys have been wilding in the comments, and generally sniping at each other like it is Twitter instead of the world's gentlest momblog, and that you maybe need a good nap and a stuffed bunny.

I don't have a nap for you, and our stuffed bunny's taken, but I figure here is a cocktail and I stole it from here. If you're a Friend of Bill, smoke some weed instead!

Noble Hostess calls this "The Griffith" for some uppity place in Los Angeles, but we call it a Golden Poppy because it feels like home. The recipe is SO EASY, but first you got some liquor to buy.

Look at Grand Poppy's ingredients, are you KIDDING ME, WHAT!

Organic California poppy, orange, lemon, grapefruit, bearberry, California bay leaf, pink peppercorn, dandelion, blessed thistle, burdock, rue, artichoke, gentian, geranium, cherry bark, cane sugar

GET IN MAH BLOODSTREAM!

Now take one part EACH:

Grand Poppy liqueur

vodka

lemon juice

simple syrup

and smash up three slices of cucumber*

*Fuck it, just use cucumber vodka instead.

Shake them with ice, and don't drink anything else all summer or ever again.

Because you guys, we are all so tired. We're all exhausted. It feels like they're winning, and we're losing hope, and we're taking it out on each other and ourselves. And we can't. We have to go out in the sunshine, and breathe, and drink a lovely beverage and pat a cat or a dog or a child or a husband on the head. Have some sex if you can stand it. Watch some (non-politics) TV if you can't. Get a massage. Take a walk. Be in touch with your body and look at the moon.

Because we're not going to make it if we're turning on each other -- and that goes quinfuckingtuple for Bernie v. Hillz. Nice things have happened yesterday and today! The courts are with us! Primaries turnt out as fuck! Michael Cohen WILL go to jail, and our hearts WILL go on!

In the meantime, be gentle, Terrible Ones. Because 50 people canceled their Wonkette accounts in May, and since I don't want to worry that they lost their jobs or we just suck now, Ima have to blame you.

Stay gold

Drink up, cheers, we love you, NOW BREATHE and have your OPEN THREAD!

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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