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Sorry about that shutdown, America! President Grandpa can't reopen the government right now because, "I would look foolish if I did that." Yep, that's what he said when Chuck Schumer suggested that the White House sign a Continuing Resolution to open everything but Homeland Security, then argue about WALLBUX later. The man spent the morning free-associating over a giant poster of himself and claiming that the Soviet empire collapsed after a just war in Afghanistan "to fight the terrorists," but heaven forbid Donald Trump should look foolish.

After a morning of group therapy with his Cabinet, Trump met yesterday afternoon with leaders of the House and Senate to discuss WALL money. The White House brain trust had a foolproof plan to corner Chuck and Nancy and make them empty their pockets to build the wall Mexico will pay for. Step 1: Corral them into the Situation Room so they know this is serious, young man. Step 2: Have DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen video conference in from the border for a report on all the scary Al Qaeda terrorists masquerading as MS-13 drug dealers pouring into the US through our open borders.

But no sooner had Nielsen launched into her spiel about the 74 Ebola-ridden toddlers with calves the size of cantaloupes apprehended this morning (probably), then Nancy Pelosi jumped in with annoying "numbers" about border apprehensions. And then President Arty McDeal's whole meeting fell apart.


Politico reports:

"We never did get through the briefing," the soon-to-be House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said.

That Nancy, she's a wily one!

Today, House Democrats will advance two budget bills. One will be the exact same continuing resolution (CR) that passed the Senate unanimously two weeks ago, funding the government for six weeks without additional WALL money. The other will reopen everything but Homeland Security, getting most of the 800,000 affected government employees back to work while Congress argues pointlessly about WALL. Mitch McConnell has vowed that neither bill will come up for a vote in the Senate, because Commander ADD pulled the rug out from under them and decided not to vote for the WALL-less CR after Limbaugh and Coulter were mean to him. Asked why he was now refusing to allow a vote on a bill which the Senate had been UNANIMOUSLY in favor of just days ago, Ol' Yertle rapped his shell and said,

We're not interested in having show votes here in the Senate. [...] It's exactly the kind of proposal you'd expect of the incoming House Democrats [who] are choosing to stage a political sideshow rather than doing the hard work of helping govern the country.

If he was subsequently arrested by the Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court for aggravated murder of irony, it didn't make it into Politico's story.

And remember last week when Chuck and Nancy told Pence, Kushner, and Mulvaney to GTFOH with their offer of $2.5 billion for WALL, since Old Man Adderall would just weasel out of it anyway? Good call!

He also pulled the rug out from a compromise offer spearheaded by Vice President Mike Pence that would have provided about half of the $5 billion that Trump has sought from Democrats.

"$5.6 billion is such a small number," Trump said.

He's similarly shit on plans by Lamar Alexander and Lindsey Graham to trade WALL money for DACA concessions. So now we all wait and watch the garbage pile up in the park. President No Fool has convinced himself that Americans are totally psyched to shut down the government for WALL money. (They aren't.)

Meanwhile, with DHS shuttered, deportation proceedings have ground to a halt and employers can't even use the government's E-Verify portal to check the immigration status of new hires, CBP is working without pay, and undocumented immigrant families are being dumped on the streets of El Paso and Yuma because we have nowhere to put them. So this is all going swimmingly!

You tell him, Speaker Nancy! You break it, you own it.

[Politico]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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