Sorry about that shutdown, America! President Grandpa can't reopen the government right now because, "I would look foolish if I did that." Yep, that's what he said when Chuck Schumer suggested that the White House sign a Continuing Resolution to open everything but Homeland Security, then argue about WALLBUX later. The man spent the morning free-associating over a giant poster of himself and claiming that the Soviet empire collapsed after a just war in Afghanistan "to fight the terrorists," but heaven forbid Donald Trump should look foolish.

After a morning of group therapy with his Cabinet, Trump met yesterday afternoon with leaders of the House and Senate to discuss WALL money. The White House brain trust had a foolproof plan to corner Chuck and Nancy and make them empty their pockets to build the wall Mexico will pay for. Step 1: Corral them into the Situation Room so they know this is serious, young man. Step 2: Have DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen video conference in from the border for a report on all the scary Al Qaeda terrorists masquerading as MS-13 drug dealers pouring into the US through our open borders.

But no sooner had Nielsen launched into her spiel about the 74 Ebola-ridden toddlers with calves the size of cantaloupes apprehended this morning (probably), then Nancy Pelosi jumped in with annoying "numbers" about border apprehensions. And then President Arty McDeal's whole meeting fell apart.

Politico reports:

"We never did get through the briefing," the soon-to-be House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said.

That Nancy, she's a wily one!

Today, House Democrats will advance two budget bills. One will be the exact same continuing resolution (CR) that passed the Senate unanimously two weeks ago, funding the government for six weeks without additional WALL money. The other will reopen everything but Homeland Security, getting most of the 800,000 affected government employees back to work while Congress argues pointlessly about WALL. Mitch McConnell has vowed that neither bill will come up for a vote in the Senate, because Commander ADD pulled the rug out from under them and decided not to vote for the WALL-less CR after Limbaugh and Coulter were mean to him. Asked why he was now refusing to allow a vote on a bill which the Senate had been UNANIMOUSLY in favor of just days ago, Ol' Yertle rapped his shell and said,

We're not interested in having show votes here in the Senate. [...] It's exactly the kind of proposal you'd expect of the incoming House Democrats [who] are choosing to stage a political sideshow rather than doing the hard work of helping govern the country.

If he was subsequently arrested by the Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court for aggravated murder of irony, it didn't make it into Politico's story.

And remember last week when Chuck and Nancy told Pence, Kushner, and Mulvaney to GTFOH with their offer of $2.5 billion for WALL, since Old Man Adderall would just weasel out of it anyway? Good call!

He also pulled the rug out from a compromise offer spearheaded by Vice President Mike Pence that would have provided about half of the $5 billion that Trump has sought from Democrats.

"$5.6 billion is such a small number," Trump said.

He's similarly shit on plans by Lamar Alexander and Lindsey Graham to trade WALL money for DACA concessions. So now we all wait and watch the garbage pile up in the park. President No Fool has convinced himself that Americans are totally psyched to shut down the government for WALL money. (They aren't.)

Meanwhile, with DHS shuttered, deportation proceedings have ground to a halt and employers can't even use the government's E-Verify portal to check the immigration status of new hires, CBP is working without pay, and undocumented immigrant families are being dumped on the streets of El Paso and Yuma because we have nowhere to put them. So this is all going swimmingly!

You tell him, Speaker Nancy! You break it, you own it.


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Welcome to another edition of Yr Sunday Nice Things feature, where we take a break from the daily craziness so we can decompress for a little while. Today, we're going to relax with the ineffable mental calm that comes from an oddly rectangular English cow. It's really beautiful to see what can happen when people all over the internet come together to collaborate on a little art project. We call it...

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