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Yes, Andrew Breitbart Is Offering $100,000 For Secret Conspiracy JournoList E-mails

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The Internet's guy who has no beliefs besides his hatred of hippies, Andrew Breitbart, made it known yesterday that he will give $100,000 to anyone who leaks the complete archives of JournoList, the secret underground e-mail chain that cost Breitbart'sclose personal friend Dave Weigel his job on Friday for revealing his arsonist tendencies. Journalists are all giggling about the fact that Breitbart thinks their little messages to each other about sports and Orrin Hatch's outfits are worth $100,000, but then why are none of them willing to leak this meaningless stuff to Breitbart for a cool tenth of a million?


OBVIOUSLY THEY ARE HIDING SOMETHING. Is all the talk of sports just code-speak to disperse the news stories Obama is telling them to write? Is JournoList founder Ezra Klein REALLY Obama himself?

No. Breitbart made the calculation that every blog and media outlet would talk about him for a day if he offered this, and it's extremely unlikely that more than only a small few people, if anyone at all, has a copy of every JournoList e-mail ever. That's because JournoList was much smaller at the beginning when it was started by a ten-year-old Ezra Klein with some of his budding journalist friends he met in the AOL Kids Nickelodeon chatroom. And e-mail archiving didn't exist back then, so nobody has a record, because AOL would delete your e-mails after three days. [Daily Intel]

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Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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