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I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes


You think we are joking right now? We are not fucking joking right now. After this kind of news day, you expect us to hang around like a buncha knuckleheads and post up to the minute election results for PA-18? Yeah well, that's only gonna happen if sexxxy Conor Lamb sexes us up a win, and even then it might not, because we might be watching "The Voice" or making this slow cooker Thai beef curry we found on the internet.

You will hold down the fort and post results, yes? Thank you in advance! (Remember, if you are from the metropolis of "Fargo," you are exempted from holding down the fort in this thread, in order that you may attend Wonkette's Big Fargo Party tonight!)

We already told you our prediction for tonight. We think Conor Lamb is going to pull it out on pure voter enthusiasm alone, especially if the old ladies the news keeps interviewing who constantly say "I'm a Republican, but Conor Lamb is every mother's dream!" are any indication. Our guess, based on literally no math at all, and only a passing familiarity with the district, is Lamb wins by three points.

So! We will just have to find out tomorrow how right we are! Honestly, we hope Lamb outperforms the shit out of the polls, because Republicans are already being so pathetic trying to act like this district Donald Trump won by 20 points is a "Democrat district," and you know, just fuck all that noise with a big spork.

Polls close at 8 PM Eastern, which is "different times" in different time zones. Here's your NYT results thingie, if you need it!

Now, commence to OPEN THREAD-ING.

UPDATE: Oh hi, kids! It's not over yet but it's getting closer. According to the ticker on MSNBC, our boy is still up 4 points with 70% of the vote in. BUT the Kornacki poll nerd hasn't cut in to 'splain us, and from what we heard earlier, they were expecting the more suburban parts of the district (Allegheny County) to come in earlier, and the more "cow" parts later.

Other update is we have not remotely started cooking that Thai slow cooker thing but we are about to make some ginger pork meatballs so ...

MORNING-AFTER UPDATE: Good morning! It appears our boy has won! Get very excited because we are writing all the news for you right now, which will be in a new post!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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