You Want Rolls For Thanksgiving, We've Got What You Knead (GET IT?)

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People from all walks of life love yeast rolls, probably even abnormal people with borderline personality disorders. Pets love them, too. If you're not careful, dogs will help themselves into a state of drunkenness by enjoying batches of raw dough.

Yeast rolls take several hours to prepare, but the payout is a couple dozen bites of joy. As they bake, your home will smell good enough to sell. Satisfying, boosts the value of real estate -- these rolls are an excellent investment of your time.

Yeast rolls are great with butter, jam, butter and jam, or combine all three to make a yeast roll slider.


½ c. milk

½ c. sugar

1 ½ tsp. kosher salt

¼ c. butter, melted

½ c. water, lukewarm-ish

2 envelopes of yeast

2 eggs, beaten

4 ½ c. all purpose flour, extra for kneading

butter, room temperature, as needed

In a saucepan, scald milk and remove from heat. Stir in the next three ingredients, and let it cool.

In a large mixing bowl, combine lukewarm water with yeast, and stir gently until dissolved. Add the cooled milk mixture, beaten eggs, and about two and a half cups of flour. Blend until the dough is sticky. Keep adding flour, a half-cup at a time, until you have a pliant ball of dough.

On a floured surface, knead the dough for about 10 minutes. It will seem so boring. Ask someone to turn some music on, because your hands are a mess and you can't. Better? Much. Kneading helps release gluten, and we need gluten to make light and chewy rolls. Gluten gets a ton of bad press, but I will have whatever gluten you don't want. I wish I were made of gluten.

Rinse out that big bowl you had a few minutes ago, pat it dry, and smear the inside with butter. Put the dough back into the bowl and roll it around a few times to coat. Cover the bowl and let the dough rise in a warm spot for about an hour.

After an hour, the dough should have doubled in size. Punch it down, and let it rise for another hour, until it has doubled in size again.

Grease about four cake pans, or two cookie sheets -- either is fine. Turn the dough out on a floured surface, to make it easier to handle. Pull off pieces of the dough (about the size of a big walnut), and form into balls. Place these in your pans or cookie sheets. The rolls should not quite touch. Brush these with butter and set aside to allow the rolls to rise for another hour.

Preheat the oven to 425º. Bake rolls for 15-20 minutes, or until brown. Remove from pan, and allow them to cool on wire racks for about 5-10 minutes. After that, you and your people can have as many as you want.


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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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