Your Conspiracy Theory O' The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians


Well it certainly took long enough, dammit. After all the dumb conspiracy theories about Barack Obama, why did we have to wait until the final week of 2013 for someone to sayhe's in cahoots with Space Aliens, huh? Unless... all the others who tried to reveal the truth are dead! Better start looking into that. And buy another gun. We're just going to write the rest of this post from Wonkette's Bunker Of Love, safely 20 feet underground on our Idaho compound.

So the dealio with this one is that Jim Garrow, the self-proclaimed Real CIA Spy who has been promoting the story that Barack Obama tried to nuke South Carolina for George Soros and also believes that the Kenyan Usurper bumped off Andrew Breitbart, Michael Hastings, and Tom Clancy because they Knew Too Much, proclaimed on Erik Rush's radio / podcast thing Monday that Obama is right on the verge of a massive deception: He's going to announce that America has been in contact with space aliens, and somehow that false story of talking to the Star People will distract everyone from Obama's terrible poll numbers so they will make him Preznit for Life or something. No, we really don't know why Garrow thinks such a hoax would make Obama popular, but that is not the real story anyway. The real story is that you need to get ready for the coming UN/Chinese/Canadian invasion.

Garrow is quite certain about this alien contact story:

“What we’re going to be seeing soon is the unveiling of the concept that we have, in fact, been contacted and have been in communication with people from other civilizations beyond earth, and that will be part of the great deception,” Garrow said...

“It’ll be a great fraud, the whole basis of this, it is a great hoax.

The plan to fool the American public has been in development since the '60s, Garrow claimed, although again, it wasn't entirely clear what we're supposed to be fooled into accepting or ignoring -- somehow, it's going to show what a great leader he is, "creating a crisis, and then managing that crisis." And how does Garrow know that the plan is going to go into effect any time now? Well, duh: the "CIA operative" who told him about it 30 years ago was found murdered in Hong Kong. What more proof do you need?

It's totally going to be "the greatest deception mankind has ever faced," said Garrow. Erik Rush -- a regular contributor to WND and commenter on Fox News, so you know he's serious -- was so blown away by the revelation that all he could say was "Wow."

But anyhow, not everyone will be fooled by Obama's alien story, because who'd believe a crazy thing like that? And those S-M-R-T Americans will rise up in anger, so Obama will order the military to attack Americans, which won't work because they will be fighting, as Rush put it, "with We the People," and so Obama will bring in Chinese, Russian, and Canadian troops, because America and Canada have an agreement to send troops into each other's countries, and Canadian troops would totally do it, too, because unlike American soldiers, Canadians have never even sworn an oath to uphold the U.S. Constitution!

Garrow hasn't worked out all the details just yet -- like, whether the Russians and Chinese will be here under the guise of "training" or if they'll all just parachute in like Red Dawn, pew-pew-pew WOLVERINES!!!! But it's definitely just about to happen, so you should go buy guns and probably gold, too.

[RawStory / RightWingWatch]

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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,


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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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