Your Handy Wonkette Guide To How You Should Feel About The Iran Nuclear Deal

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This weekend, Iran and the five permanent members of the UN Security Council plus Germany (P5+1 if you like things that look like math) struck a preliminary deal under which Iran will do less nuclear stuff in exchange for everyone being less mean to them with sanctions. CNN has a decent explainer inlisticle form (THANK GOD) as well as the full text of the agreement.


Of course, as with any multilateral nuclear agreement, the most important thing is how does it make you feel? This stuff is complicated, but yr Wonkette is here to help. Just tell us Who are you? and we'll tell you your opinion.

I am a real tough person who thinks Iran is a crazy suicide country that will bomb Israel as soon as they have a nuke.

You don't like this deal, because Iran will continue to play with uranium, albeit under IAEA supervision. You probably want the United States and/or Israel and/or Jehovah to bomb all of Iran's nuclear sites all of the time, a strategy that will certainly make them very eager to get a nuclear weapon if they aren't already. You don't acknowledge the extreme unlikelihood of Iran preemptively bombing Israel and signing its own death warrant, and you discount the obvious explanation for Iran's rhetoric -- that it's domestic political theater. You are silly.

Maybe Iran won't bomb Israel but what if they give their nuclear shit to Hezbollah HEEENGH? What then?

They won't, because if anyone attacks Israel with nuclear shit, Iran is getting fucked up, and everyone knows it. Hey, it seems like you already know how you feel about the nuclear deal, so get the heck out of here.

I am a person who does not like it when countries make nuclear bombs.

You like the deal because Iran has agreed not to enrich uranium sufficient to build a nuclear weapon, and IAEA inspectors will now have the right and ability to conduct unannounced inspections on all (known) Iranian nuclear sites. If there are unknown sites, tough titties, but that's been the status quo since forever.

I am a Republican Senator who wants to let people know that I hate the president, or a Democratic Senator who has more to gain by being Tough On Iran than by agreeing with Obama.

John Cornyn, talkin' twitter: "Amazing what WH will do to distract attention from O-care"

Chuck Schumer, being a Tough Guy: “Iran simply freezes its nuclear capabilities while we reduce the sanctions … That is not a proportionate agreement.”

You don't like the deal because the only agreement you're willing to accept would force Iran's leaders to tape plastic bags over their heads in exchange for you getting re-elected.

I am a person who just plain doesn't like nuclear stuff.

You are ambivalent about the deal because it limits nuclear fun times while allowing them to continue. You are an idealist, which is just precious.

I am a person who loves Obama and everything he does.

You are thrilled! Obama did a thing! Hooray! Obama/Obama 2016!

Hey wait a minute, why does everyone get to have nuclear weapons except Iran? Where does Netanyahu get off saying this is a "historical mistake" when Israel has a bunch of nukes themselves?

You are ambivalent about the deal because, as a rational thinker, you acknowledge that nonproliferation is a worthwhile goal, yet you're uncomfortable that the conflict seems to be based on "But they're Iran, they're like, bad! Bad people! Bad country!" You will immediately report to a FEMA work camp for remedial patriotic labor.

I hate the Great Satan America and its succubus Israel! Death to them! Poop on them when they are dead, from Iran's nuclear bombs!

You  like the deal because you're pretty sure Iran will build a bomb anyway, and it shows America is weak and stupid, and Iran gets money. You are a jerk.

There are probably other ways to feel about the Iran nuclear deal, but they are Not Mainstream and therefore irrelevant.

Also, this is a great song:

[CNN / CNNWaPo / CBSNY / NBC News / Al Jazeera]

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