Your Off-Off-Year Election Rounderp: All The Results You Already Know, Plus Weird Stuff
Election 2013 is all over but the shouting, which is mostly Chris Christie's job anyway, so let's review:New Jersey: Christie reelected, and a bunch of other people won elections, too. Have you heard of any of them? Neither have we. Should we care? We have a nagging feeling that we probably should. Virginia: Not sure we can say the good guys won, but the terrible guys lost, hooray! New York City: Bill DeBlasio wins Mayor, possibly because novelist Jonathan Franzen voted for him. (Really, WSJ? You led with that?) Detroit: White dude wins job with no power; Sean Hannity will find a way to make that Obama's fault. Boise: Bond elections fail, fire department will not build new training facility.
In Virginia, terrible people Ken Cuccinelli and E.W. Jackson lost, while the attorney-general race between Democratic State Sen. Mark Herring and Republican State Sen. Mark Obenshain is still too close to call, and is likely to go to a recount. Expect Jackson to blame demons for his loss, and teabaggers to insist that next time, Republicans need to find some real conservatives for a change.
In Colorado, at least six of the 11 counties that had secession on the ballot have voted to stay aligned with Colorado; the other five are still counting ballots. Voters statewide also passed a measure to tax recreational marijuana, which should provide Republicans an issue to run on in 20 years.
In Minneapolis, the 35-candidate mayoral election clusterfuck ended with a decisive victory for apparently sane person Betsy Hodges; losers included "Captain Jack Sparrow," Stephanie Woodruff the Saran-Wrapped candidate, and lake-coffee-drinking Jeff Wagner, who took a break from simulated masturbation to record this gracious concession video (includes bleeped obscenities):
But hey, he's built a brand!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.