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Your Weekly Top Ten Had A Really Exhausting 2019 This Past Week

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One (partial) week into 2019 and we think enough things have happened in 2019 to call it a year, right? We can go back to sleep until 2019 is over? No? Well fuck.

All right, it's your first top ten post of the new year. Shall we?


Stories chosen as usual by Beyoncé:

10. BREAKING: Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez *Isn't Who She Claims To Be*

9. North Carolina's Vote Fuckery Ends Poorly (For The Republicans Who Did It).

8. Let's Liveblog Nancy Pelosi Taking Back That Gavel And Immediately Beating The Shit Out Of Everybody With It!

7. Ann 'Black Liberationist' Coulter KNOWS The FBI Invented Kwanzaa, So White Liberals Can Suck It

6. Your 2018 Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Whole Entire Year Is ... JIM JORDAN!

5. Who's Doing Good New Laws? Is It Dems? Is It DEMS? Yes It IS!

4. President Bugfuck's New Year's Resolution Clearly 'Be More Bugfuck'

3. Oh, Here She Comes! Watch Out, Trump, Pelosi Will Chew You Up!

2. Meet Your 2018 Legislative Badasses Of The Year: Kamala Harris And Pramila Jayapal!

1. Some D-Bags Tried To Body Shame Connie Schultz. It Did Not Work.

Yay, good stories! Fucking crazy week, and 2019 is just beginning!

Oh, is there anything else?

Just more pics of the Wonkette toddler, that's all:


OK now this post is over.

Go with God,

Wonkette

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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