Your Wonkette Week In Review: Now You Don't Have To Kick Yourself For Missing These Stories
Hey, kids, time for another Weekend Wrap-Up, Weekend Wrap-Up! ('Cause Saturday is here!) See, we are dedicated to making sure that even those of you who still have jerbs in Obama's Economy get the chance to see what we've been up to. So what we do is, we make a list of our most popular stories of the week, as reflected by the number of times they've been "shared" on theFacebook, and if we remember, we might even check it twice, and then we plop it down here in the form of a Top Ten list. Don't see your fave stories on this list? Well then, make sure you share the darned things so next week's list is more reflective of your taste and discernment, ya dipshit.
Hey, want to hear something hilarious? The other day, Wonkette Editorperson Kaili asked Yr Doktor Zoom this question in the Chatcave: "How do you get the top shared stories for the week?" Poor Kaili thought we used some kind of analytics app or something, instead of just scrolling back a week and manually tallying them. As if! Also, we keep our tally pad on that little cup holder that comes out of the front of the computer.
Bqhatevwr. Here are your Top Ten stories from last Saturday through Friday:
10: In Arizona, some brave Militia types who were protecting the border from the threat of Guatemalan 8-year-olds confronted a bunch of suspicious people who they encountered at night. The heavily-armed patriots hadn't found a nefarious smuggling ring, though: they'd wasted the Border Patrol's time by reporting a bunch of wildlife biologists who were surveying the local bat population.
9: A rightwing Bible-beater warned that the forces of "Big Sodomy" are on the verge of destroying America, again.
8: Sarah Palin, who does no discernible work, explained the Real Meaning of Labor Day (spoiler: It's about bein' Mavericky).
7: Gajillionaire wino Bruce Rauner is Just A Regular Guy who owns an old van, so he really deserves to become the next governor of Illinois. He mentioned the van, didn't he? It's old.
6: Phyllis Schalfly explained that if women REALLY wanted to reduce rape and domestic violence, they'd stop pursuing careers and get married, because only that can tame a man. And then she proved that Jews cause thunderstorms.
5: We shared an exquisitely weird video of Canadian Crack Mayor Rob Ford, which was strangely inspiring.
4: We wished the legendary Molly Ivins a happy birthday. Maybe next time we'll pay attention to her warning that no one from Texas should be President.
3: A Florida Man... do we need to say more than just that?
2: A journalist lady got a whuppin' from a Georgia sheriff's deputy for flagrantly being a journalist and asking why she was being beaten. That's resisting, lady!
1: Bob and Maureen McDonnell were found guilty. That's Guilty. GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.