Go to John McCain’s humble store RIGHT NOW and see the amazing product reviews before somebody gets wise. Here is a sample review, of the Embroidered McCain Travel Bag: “This bag is quite possibly the best travel bag on the planet. It is great for keeping pictures of Obama, Hillary, Bush, Cheney and your scantily clad mother. It also will hold 5 toothbrushes, 1 anal probe, and 14 crayons for the hygienically minded senior citizens ….
“…. My favorite feature of this bag, and they don’t tell you this when you buy it, is that it will give you a 10% discount at any Hilton hotel worldwide. If by chance you decide to stay at the Hilton in Hanoi, it enables you up to 5 free years of free stays. You can beat that deal with a bamboo shoot!”
ELEVENTY BILLION WHORE DIAMONDS. [The John McCain Campaign Store]
{ 64 comments }
Room for 14 crayons AND an anal probe? Seems redundant.
…5 toothbrushes? So you can hand some out to McCain?
Donald Segreti would be SO proud…..
I bet you can fit in a lot more than that. You never know how much you can fit into something until you really try.
I met some Vietnamese in Hanoi who asked me if I was voting for Hillary or Obama. I thought it was funny they didn’t even ask me about John-boy (this was often the case but there I was in Hanoi after all). They seemed pleased that I like Obama better but then one added, “But, I think OJ Simpson was guilty.”
Anyway that bag is ugly but whore diamonds to the beautiful commenter!
Review of the Official McCain Lanyard:
So convenient.. June 10, 2008
Reviewer: Jack Abramoff from Washington, DC United States
Handy for election fraud – or for self-strangulation if (gulp) that black man should get elected.
You just know McCrampy’s sending Cindy’s pool boy,Juan,to North Dakota to kick this guy’s ass right now….
[re=12942]buddha_barbie[/re]: Funny the post put Jack and Handy together like that too, cuz the real Jack Handey said the other day, “If God is speaking through McCain’s head like some people say, I sure hope He likes Abba, because that’s what He’s getting.”
And the real Jack Abramoff also said this about McCain’s DVD:
Reviewer: Jack Abramoff from Washington,DC United States
Love it! This is way more erotic than fantasizing about Larry Craig in the mens room while practicing self-abuse.
Now I want to buy that bag and embroider it further so that it reads “Rectal Polyps for – and in – McCain.”
Review of McCain Nautical Lapel Pin:
Need more choices! June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Bo Baffett from Arlington, VA United States
As a Republican, I understand that a pin like this with the international signaling flags that mean “meet me in the men’s room in five minutes” is pretty much what most Republican guys who wear lapel pins are going to want. But could you also please offer it with some other messages? Thanks.
Reviews for McCain Water Bottle (clearly a hot item):
Works best for when paired with Honor Signboard June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Mr. Tickles from San Jose, CA
I found this water rehydration containment system to be adequate for aggressive pain techniques when paired with the “Honor” sign board (https://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=RSR2347). Yes, you too can be a freelance pain technician (formerly, torturer) with this do-it-yourself waterboarding kit (waterbottle+signboard).
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Fantastic June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Zoom from Boston, MA United States
Durable, light, and insulative, this is the perfect instrument for infant rehydration.
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Tastes great, less filling! June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Karl C. Rove from Texas
You could say the McCain water bottle is a lot like the George W. Bush water bottle. But obviously the bottle looks different, and it is different. The McCain Water Bottle is a true maverick in the field of water bottles.
Suck it, libs.
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Excellent June 10, 2008
Reviewer: Jon McAble from ,
Excellent product. I especially like the top, which closes easily to prevent spills when I dose off at 4:30 watching Jeopardy after dinner.
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Perfect June 10, 2008
Reviewer: from ,
I bought fifteen of these bottles, filled them with hot water, and gave them to all of the dehydrated babies I know.
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Review:
McCain Acrylic Coffee Mug
Astonishing quality!! June 9, 2008
Reviewer: Francis Ballsnutstein from Montgomery, AL United States
The quality of this product is shocking. In fact, it is such a wonderful product that I decided against breaking it over the thick skull of a democrat and only use it for drinking piping hot beverages such as coffee and herbal tea. I’m thankful for the opportunity to support a superior human being in the race for our country’s new leader, and hope that my contribution can keep darkness out of the WHITE house.
Ha! Talking Points Memo spotted this tonight, too. Who knew the McCain Store would go so viral, for such an unexpected reason!
I just had the pleasure of furnishing the first review for the ‘Ladies Nautical McCain Embroidered Polo Shirt,’ which is, truly, a great gift for mistresses.
The Internets are not kind to John McCain and his steam-powered computer.
Just keep Walnuts away from e-mail, lest he give all of his bank account and credit card information to that poor Nigerian gentleman . . . .
Review of the McCain Full Zip Hooded Sweatshirt:
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
I love this one June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Anonymous person from Fairfax, VA United States
It says: I know what fist bumps are, but I disapprove because they are primitive and barbarous.
Review of the McCain Embroidered Fleece Jacket:
GREAT! June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Heywood Jablome from Washington, DC United States
This jacket is good for anyone who is fit enough to run for president, but sick enough to get a $58,000 disability pension from the government!
Hey apparently they have african and arab americans in the Walnuts coalition woohoo!!
Goddamnit editor I will not buy McCain shit even if it gets me eventy billion whore diamonds. I have eventy billionty frequentlike flyer miles and I still wait, on the phone, forever, to claim said whore diamonds.
Hmm. Anyone up for some forensix? I wonder if “All Products Made in the U.S.A.” is a strict disclaimer. Can’t imagine all those DVD cases and extruded plastic dinguses/well-hewn fannypacks are made in the States.
Two things now that I’ve looked around the McCain Store:
1) Why do Asian and Pacific Americans have to share a button? Is McCain saying that he can’t tell them apart?
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=BTR2611
2)This appears to be an honest review. God help us but this is McCains base:
GOP McCain T-shirt April 13, 2008
Reviewer: Ed from CA United States
This t-shirt design is great however, I wish the John McCain store would reconsider its choice in t-shirt companies because the t-shirts fit somewhat irregular, particularly on t-shirt sleeves which do not appear as they do in the photo but rather are a bit narrow and long while the core of the t-shirt is quite disproportionately slim. The t-shirt company is called Bayside. I would not order another t-shirt unless I learn that another company is used.
You also have to like the review of the Integrity McCain T-Shirt
Wow! Integrity for just $25! June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Dan Lynch from Fresno, CA
I thought it would cost me more. Glad John McCain is willing to sell his so easily! And for such a low price too!
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=TSR2386
I was supremely disappointing whenever I encountered one of the two ‘real’ reviews.
[re=12963]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Made in USA by Skinny Elitist Pansies?
[re=12963]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: It is really funny. John McCain discovers multi-culturalism after it has already gone out of style. All you can find on the Obama site are buttons that say, “Racially transcendents for Obama!”
[re=12965]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: When WALNUTS us selling useless shit, made in China, by Prodicons, why the fuck would we shop anywhere else.
It’s the same reason we shop at gap (via the Onion).
“Made by kids, for kids.”
“We tried to interview the factory owners, but they have a strict no adult policy.”
And Wonkette has photos again. Rejoice. Now give Serolf David his star back.
[re=12969]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: HA! I love thee. Links please?
I hate to be jamming up the posts, but ever since the woman dropped the banhammer, I’m hiding Wonkette like my teenage drug problem. So bad, and yet, so gooooood.
[re=12972]dilhavarti[/re]: http://www.theonion.com/content/video/gap_unveils_new_for_kids_by_kids
For you.
Women for McCain Acrylic Coffee Mug (pink)
Great gift for that special lady!
Reviewer: Choad Waltrup from Spokane, Florida
This is the perfect gift to give to the lady who has supported you all along, especially during your hardest times. When you give this to your disfigured wife, it will tell her that you really missed her while you were gone and can’t wait to leave her for the greener pasture now that you are back home. She will understand, I am sure! BUY THIS TODAY!!!
[re=12972]dilhavarti[/re]:
my favorite:
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=MGR2414
[re=12975]Drop-out[/re]: Reviewer: Choad Waltrup from Spokane, Florida
This is the perfect gift to give to the lady who has supported you all along, especially during your hardest times. When you give this to your disfigured wife, it will tell her that you really missed her while you were gone and can’t wait to leave her for the greener pasture now that you are back home. She will understand, I am sure! BUY THIS TODAY!!!
Holy sweet mother of Christ. I will buy 50 of these, and then I will disfigure my wife.
[re=12976]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: well…
if there ever was a lady deserving of a “Women for McCain Cup” it would be the Holy Sweet Mother of Christ or perhaps she would prefer the more topical “Mom for McCain T-shirt”
Awesome! June 10, 2008
Reviewer: Maverick from Maverickville, AZ
I love it. Being a “Mom for McCain” makes me feel so much better about raising my three kids alone because my hubby dumped me for a younger woman. (But he’s such a gentleman because he pays for all my health care out of his new wife’s fortune… what a man!)
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=TSR2443
[re=12975]Drop-out[/re]: Lookie! It’s a new color! Nonelitist pink!
Yet female-ine-inine er whatever. And safe for the top rack, cunts!
[re=12978]Drop-out[/re]: At least it was the imaculata (from what her parents know).
Review by Jack Abramoff from Washington, DC:
“Room for plenty of bribes and questionable contributions. I wouldn’t think of visiting a Republican Congressman or Senator without it.”
I love that these reviews are going unfiltered!!!
*rushes to make throwaway yahoooz account to sign up on WALNUTS! website to review items…*
Er, Review for McCain Tote Bag ^
Here are my two:
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=ONR2431
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=TSR2195
I HOPE that the identical lame expensively developed yuppie shopping experience over at my man Barry’s web site has moderation on its catalog item comments, otherwise there will be ugly things all over there by midmorning.
Here’s where to start.
http://store.barackobama.com/product_p/bt26957.htm
Though don’t be ugly. I challenge someone to write something deeply realistic. Yet hilarious. Like complaining that button doesn’t fit as pictured?
Speaking of ugliness, if it’s one of you folks posting all that wife-abandoning stuff… it’s true that that’s a trashy thing for a hubby to do, but it’s also a trashy way to attack a politician. Doesn’t he have lots of terrible policies to make product review jokes about?
Torture jokes go all the way out the other end, though. Into tastefulness!~!
Hee! The nautical lapel pin:
This nautical pin is absolutely perfect June 11, 2008
Reviewer: Cathy fromEncino from Encino, CA United States
Not only does it spell McCain’s initials with nautical flags, it also signals the condition of his campaign!
Nautical flags are used for signaling, not just to spell words or initials. These three flags spell:
Juliet. On Fire, Keep Clear
Sierra. Engines Going Astern
Mike. I Am Stopped
So apt.
I love you deeply and profoundly, Cathy from Encino, CA United States
Love that Cathie Perkins from Lubbock, she feels so much like me.
Over at Obama’s store, you can buy stickers by the foot and variety, as “Support Packs”:
http://store.barackobama.com/category_s/1002.htm
And you can be transgendered and support Obama:
http://store.barackobama.com/product_p/bs26939.htm
Big fucking tent? Not really. Hopey has no sticker, lapel pin for the bitter, whiskey-besotted, shillelagh-swingin’, leprechaun-lovin’, descended from indentured servitude, significantly Appalachian, Sons and Daughters of Brian Bórumha.
Almost nothing…except a clever “O’bama” tee:
http://store.barackobama.com/product_p/ts26946.htm
McCain only parcels his stickers out, one at a time (or 50 at a time, by distinct type, no “miscegenation’ of differing adhesive media), like a doting gramps rationing precious Werther’s Original caramels, suggesting a “halcyon age of innocence, nuclear families, and good old-fashioned sweets”:
http://store.johnmccain.com/SearchResults.asp?Cat=22
Besides, who can resist the siren call of:
Share your knowledge of this product with other customers… Be the first to write a review.
I’m sure Scarlett Johansson’s flesh mounds already fill this baby tee, somewhere in the land “where dreams are made”:
http://store.barackobama.com/product_p/ts00056.htm
Women For Obama Ladies T-Shirt (Heather Gray
Show your support for Barack Obama in the 2008 Presidential Election with this comfortable official logo t-shirt. This comfortable shirt is made of 100% cotton. Union-made and Union-printed in the USA.
Comfortable. Like an old, well-worn tee shirt you wear at night. Braless. Your fun bags flowing free against natural fiber…
Only question is, would Harriet Christian wear one?
My eyes!
Over at the “African Americans for McCain” section (no, really, look under “Coalitions Apparel”), we have this:
https://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=BSR2226
A Promise is a Promise… June 11, 2008
Reviewer: J.C. Watts from Oklahoma City, OK
Remember, John, at that fundraiser you said if I put one of these on my car, I’d be on your short list for Vice President.
A white hooded sweatshirt:
“Very Disappointing June 11, 2008
Reviewer: NB Forrest from The Mythical Swampy South
I purchased this in good faith only to find the hood is not conical nor does it have eye holes cut into it! How can you expect us to beat Obama now?!:
Woooooooooooooooow.
There’s some fantastic people reviewing these things.
“Great shirt; shame Jews are ordering it June 11, 2008
Reviewer: John Hagee from A church, not a synagogue
Very high quality material, good for any serious Christian. Wear it and condemn the Christ-killers with pride!”
I think my review might be too subtle for most people to get, but I’m rooting for it to stay on the site.
McCain Golf Pack
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
Wonderful June 11, 2008
Reviewer: C. Humphrey Keating, Jr. from Cincinnati, OH United States
These are a real conversation starter. People are amazed at what I can do with golf balls, and are constantly asking me about John McCain. I stick them right in the hole. In the early 90s, I learned how to just relax and the balls will go right in.
McCain ‘Honor’ yard sign
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=RSR2347
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful:
Honor June 11, 2008
Reviewer: C. Humphrey Keating, Jr. from Cincinnati, OH United States
McCain ditched his crippled wide, met Cindy and got Honor.
‘Integrity’ T-shirt
https://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=TSR2386
this is all you get June 11, 2008
Reviewer: C. Humphrey Keating, Jr. from Cincinnati, OH United States
I have hundreds of thousands of dollars, free vacations and flights to the McCains in the 1980s, and all America gets is this lousy T-shirt.
wait, [re=12970]shortsshortsshorts[/re], did you just say Wonkette has photos again? Let’s see.
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/2617/obamatrucknutzvv3.jpg
[IMG]http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/2617/obamatrucknutzvv3.jpg[/IMG]
Looks like review function is disabled and the reviews have evaporated. I’m a sad ol’ bear.
[re=12955]Neilist[/re]: I even I want nothing to do with him.
Ha! @ 8:18 eastern someone at McBush woke up and “WTF!!!1!!1″ removed all comments.
But Gott Damn that was great shit while it lasted!
Dammit. Did anyone get screenshots, or collect them somehow?
[re=13009]Enturbulator[/re]: I shouldn’t have slept in.
For those who missed them, apparently some busy bee over at Kos with the handle “InsultComicDog” has copied and pasted about fifty of these reviews all in one convenient posting:
http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/6/11/2165/55268/106/533829
Hilarity.
FOUR MORE YEARS OF BUSH POLICY IF YOU VOTE FOR JOHN MCCAIN. THE WHOLE COUNTRY NEEDS TO TAKE A MULLIGAN.
Oops, Ahahahaha..argh.
Well, at least we know that the ARABS still support McCain for president.
Do you think thats an endorsement he or they want?
I mean isnt his plan from day one to bomb the entire middle east and satellite areas (Iran, Pakistan, Vietnam, and North Korea) into the stone age??
see the link to McCain’s site
https://store.johnmccain.com/SearchResults.asp?Cat=91
Senator McCain will never be able to win over Hillary’s old ladies until he adds a fanny pack to the store.
God Damnit, why did they have to get wise about something so hilarious so damned quickly?!
Please share the wealth!
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/199661.php
Screen shots at
Gawker : http://gawker.com/tag/comments/?i=5015453&t=john-mccains-balls-a-study-of-campaign-website-comment-moderation
and here:
http://www.balloon-juice.com/?p=10594
my urge to purchase a John McCain beach towel is tempered by the knowledge that all proceeds go toward this man’s campaign fund.
in this way, he secures votes with money from people who plan only to sell these still-wrapped items on eBay after his epic loss–becoming the uniform of politically-minded indie band members the world over.
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