Wonkette
It’s summertime and the living is terrible.
Would you enjoy a Top Ten List of all the apocalyptic current events proving this is the End of America and probably The World? We thought you’d like that, you elitist doom-porn scumsacks.
- 1. Fewer than 10 percent of high school seniors are fit, tests show: Sure, this is in Texas where even the rich are morbidly obese tubs of crap, but imagine a high school where less than one in ten kids isn’t a fat piece of trash. Welcome to the New America. The service workers employed at your rat-infested rest home in the near future will all be 1,000-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos. [Houston Chronicle]
- 2. A 200-person melee at a Fort Myers gas station early Monday morning started over a pack of cigarettes: A stolen pack of cigarettes, of course. The mob violence began at, of course, a teen club and then spilled over to the “Racetrac gas station.” [News-Press]
- 3. US leads world in substance abuse: Half of Americans are baffled stoners, while one in five is a paranoid cocaine fiend. Good thing we’ve got the strictest dope laws! [Reuters]
- 4. West Virginia Man Gets Two Bionic Arms After Fireworks Mishap: Welcome to the real future, where hillbillies who blow their arms off with firecrackers are rewarded with superhuman cyborg replacement limbs. [MSNBC]
- 5. Hospital Staff Ignores Woman’s Death in Waiting Room: Th-that’s n-not ch-change we can believe in. [AP/Yahoo]
- 6. Schwarzenegger deploys National Guard to fight California fires: More than 1,000 wildfires are roasting California. The biggest ones aren’t even contained, and more than 660 square miles have already burned — that’s just six square miles shy of the Satanic Jackpot. [AFP]
- 7. Pit-bulls maul 90-year-old S.I. man: Now the monstrous creatures of the drug-addict underclass are roaming Staten Island and eating old people. [NY Daily News]
- 8. Millions of vacant tract homes becoming hobo/rave camps: “From Atlanta’s urban core to leafy neighborhoods filled with chirping crickets in Charlotte, N.C., some 2.2 million homes are expected to go through foreclosure — and stand empty — by the time the mortgage meltdown ends, according to Global Insight, an economic research firm. As the housing dominoes fall far from Wall Street, growing urban ‘ghost towns’ of vacant houses are resulting in a costly crush of weeds, trash, and dereliction on a scale unseen in American cities since the Great Depression, economists say.” [Christian Science Monitor]
- 9. Midwest Floods: The submersion of the American Midwest is an early sign of the Earth melting, a tragic example of America’s decrepit infrastructure, and the beginning of eternal famine. [Reuters/Bloomberg]
- 10. Actress Angelina Jolie has been admitted to hospital in France for the impending birth of her twins: And as soon as these creatures are loosed from the She Devil’s womb, the End Times are upon us. The twins’ names are Alpha and Omega, Romulus and Remus, Sid and Nancy, Jenna and Barbara. They are legion. We are finished. [Telegraph]
Ha! Suck it, world!
I was under the impression that the twins would be called Gog and Magog.
Is Angelina Jolie trying to give birth to the four horsemen of the apocalypse? Or is she giving birth to the Anti-Christ? Or is the Anti-Christ already born attending school at Yale and a member of the skull and bones society?
I thought that the combination of Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz, and Rove were the four horsemen of apocalypse but they failed to really bring the type of misery and pain. My money is on Angelina Jolie’s kids will take over the helm of Evil.
Ken. Dude. What are you smoking?
The world ended the day the music died. Weren’t you paying attention?
We’ve been in hell ever since. Only, Satan made hell a little hotter when he unleashed Dubya on us.
On the plus side, as kids get more and more obese, their rioting will be more and more amusing to watch.
(Spoiler alert) I think that was the basic point of Wall-E. (end Spoiler alert)
As long as we can keep Angelina and her devil spawn off our continent, we’re safe.
Hm, is it a bad sign that the floods seem to be the BEST item on this list? Not that people aren’t losing homes and businesses and bazillions of dollars, but that it seems well-managed and relatively free of Astrodome-like tragedy?
Jolie plans to have enough bitchin’-ass rich kids to save the Southern California Housing market and local economy, by simply buying each of them an overpriced Manhattan Beach McMansion for their lavishly-appointed and televised 16th birthday parties.
Wait and Believe, my fellow Americans.
So, basically, Wall-E is a documentary.
And we gave up our one and only chance to save America by voting the Huckster President!
IM SO HIGH. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS GOIN’ ON. And so are most of you apparently.
HAVE WEEN ALBUMS
WILL TRADE FOR FOOD
Mahousu: Ach, jinx
Brutus Harlot: Oh no, There’s still some hope!
i love you, ken. let’s get naked and do the dirty until the rapture comes. yes, i’ve given up hope so much fuck the caps button.
Fat, dumb and suffering? Hell, that’s two outta three. Now if we can just make ‘em so dumb they don’t know they’re suffering, they will be fat, dumb and happy.
Damn. I miss those high days…does my weekend binge drinking count?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Fuck you, I clicked on that! And my web filter actually let me access it! I’m going to e-mail the tech guys right now; that’s just not safe.
The Real JR Revisted: what happened to my comment here?
Yeah, yeah. Wake me when McCain is in the White House. If the election of a raving, crippled, battle-scarred cryptkeeper as leader of the free world isn’t one of the seven signs, I don’t know what is.
Also, his wife is creepy. I bet she has the entire text of Revalations tattooed in her armpit.
bareback orgies in 3…2…1…
…can we have a “Thursday Fun Posting”? sorry about the typos, I’m under my bed…
patients who complain too loudly are sometimes handcuffed, beaten or injected with psychotropic drugs
Sounds like I found myself a great new way to avoid the 10-year big house minimum next time i want to escape it all.
No one word about surprise buttsecs . . . pity.
The Real JR Revisted: something about TURK NUTZ?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Barr might not be able to prevent the apocalypse, but he will ensure that every American receives an automatic weapon at birth so we can protect ourselves from the demons and the fat kids.
The Real JR Revisted: If someone does one of these before you:
You lose your comment.
driving about town yesterday, I saw a truck with a “Will Work For Gas” sign in its rear window.
I’m not sure how that applies here other than the fact that that too made me incredibly sad.
A comment from the “News-Press”; Yopu can quate all the single white incidents you can but the truth is violent acts commited by blacks are seven (7) times more prevalent than those committed by whites. Just read the newspaper each morning or look at the prison population. It’s soooo sad, but TRUE!! Without the black crimes we could reduce the police department by 50%.
Obama should kick ass in Florida!
shortsshortsshorts: Those smiley faced bastards!
The Real JR Revisted: Speaking of those Smiley Faced Bastids, here’s a gift for ya’ll…
http://codex.wordpress.org/Using_Smilies
The Real JR Revisted: Truly
I was late for work today because Global Warming kept cutting me off in traffic. ITS HAPPENING people.
You forgot: “IS A-ROD MADONNA’S NEW BAT BOY?”
Because a world in which 32-year-old multimillionaire professional athletes need to bang 49-year-old has-been skanks is not a world in which I want to live.
On the bright side, we are clearly winning the war on drugs and taking no hostages. Smoke ‘em all!
OK, here is the bottom line: both W and Barry (and several of my ex’s—none of whom “are from Texas”) have skewed the stats by their right-of-the-bell curve blow consumption. Back those two “reformed” politicos out of the equation, and the US is like, less than China.
Jobbotch: Idiocracy was a documentary. Wall-E is the optimistic, glossed over take.
Someone needs to combine all this into a Bosch-style landscape.
SayItWithWookies: seems the US is falling behind in the ‘happy thing’ as well…
http://www.upi.com/Health_News/2008/07/01/Denmark_is_the_happiest_US_is_No_16/UPI-39231214933150/
shortsshortsshorts: yep its happening….seems we havent been cutting down enough trees and throwing them into lakes…
http://www.upi.com/Science_News/2008/07/01/Submerged_trees_reduce_global_warming/UPI-53741214936922/
RaptorAvatar: I’m surprised no critic mentioned that they pretty much share the first shot (sun rising over skyscrapers of garbage).
El Bombastico: Who says he’s banging her?
http://bp3.blogger.com/_Zy6hEDDasVg/RudPtECSq7I/AAAAAAAAAGk/jcu3nC3O5Lg/s320/0911_madonna_bg.jpg
Ahem! ATTENTION WONKETTE COMMENTERS:
I feel it is my duty to inform you that we are within 80 votes of surpassing Jeremiah Wright on the http://www.countryaboveself.com traitors list. I have been diligently visiting that dickbags site on a daily basis since our wonderful Editors brought it to our attention last month. Won’t you do your patriotic duty and help establish Wonkette as the Benedict Arnold that it is? Take some time to read the crazy ramblings posted there as well. It’s a good time. Also, Kos only has 86 votes for traitor compared to Wonkettes 485.
I would have enjoyed this a lot more if I hadn’t discovered, halfway through reading it, that my fingers were still covered in mustard, despite my earlier attempt at licking them clean.
Is it possible to invest in mortgage securities backed exclusively by the revenue from grow houses?
shortsshortsshorts: Oil prices raised the price of my Popeye’s fried chicken.
How am I to live?
anabellum: My point exactly — we’re not dumb enough. Although according to that list, happiness has a definite liberal bias.
RaptorAvatar: I haven’t seen Wall-E yet, but Idiocracy is pretty much prophecy.
worrytron: I vote for an animated version, with Bryan Ferry singing A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall in the middle of the Woodstock IV field. Timmay!
KevoTron: Thanks for that-I’m back under the bed again..
anabellum: I don’t care for that survey. Who ever thought, “My spirits need a lift; I think I’ll go to Denmark”?
wheelie: It’s true, all that paid leave makes the Danes go fucking nuts with boredom.
I really should have bought more beer for the End-Times show
I didn’t realize I’d be numb to the shock and would need some distraction
problemwithcaring: there is no way Ang brood would step foot on Manhattan Beach … duh
KevoTron: Man. That is some crazy-ass shit. Thank God for the Internet, though. Someone who might otherwise be out on a killing spree instead spends that time spewing venomous, hate-infused bile online. Hooray! (Oh, but too bad the world’s ending. I was just getting used to the place.)
Over 1,000 wildfires in California, yet the Bohemian Grove remains unscathed? This, of course, is no coincidence. It’s time to load up on guns and head for the mountains because shit is about to go down. Hard.
Outstando: And when they get bored, they start drawing unfunny cartoons for the local papers, and they nearly start a war with Islam. Did you know that, in Saudi Arabia, they call a Danish an “Infidel pastry”? (Actually I don’t know if they do, but they should.)
Not that it is anything new but that stronghold of MSM reticence had the following in the linked articles:
In the update:
Kelly Hall, mother to the arrested 16-year-old, defended her son, saying he did not know the others who were fighting and the gun found underneath his car seat was not his.
In the original story:
A 16-year-old Lehigh Acres male, like the 15-year-old, is not being named by news-press.com due to age.
They don’t name minors, just the members of their family.
Works for me.
Cheer up, we had a good run as an A-#1 empire. It lasted, what, fifty years? Sixty? Not Roman Empire or even British Empire but still pretty good. That’ll put our run up there with Holland’s run but way better than Belgium’s or Japan’s.
Also, I had the downfall of the country pegged pretty much to the moment all those people from “the Hills” became celebrities.
Joey Ratz: “I was under the impression that the twins would be called Gog and Magog.”
I’m thinking Tiamat and Marduk are just perfect names.
Empress of Snarkistan: And that is why there is Global Warming. Eat that liberals!
Even the old-timer who met his maker in the maw of some dope-feind’s doggie, died happily, knowing that Hizzoner the mayor Bloomberg had eradicated trans-fats from the muffin he ate the fateful morning of his demise. Killer mutt was happy, too. Just before he was capped.
KevoTron: O.k. I did my duty and voted for Wonkette being a traitor on countryaboveself but are you really happy knowing that you’re the Rush Limbaugh of the Wonkette set?
Combover: I don’t get it. If you’re referring to my affinity for pills than yes, I’m quite happy (pills do that.)
@ Canadians: Happy CANADA DAY, by the way! I’ll bet you secretly enjoyed reading the list.
No! no! no! no! That’s not what I meant at all! I was just saying … Aw fuck. Forget it.
KevoTron: Damn foo. You best have the hookup… I’m not goin’ down in the impending shit-storm without a lifetime regimen of Xanax.
Combover: Okay…. I get it now… I’m fucking with elections and undermining democracy as we know it. Hmmm…. yes, still happy. (swills down another oxy with the pint of vodka in his desk.)
KevoTron: You should be nice to me. I’m a newbie to Wonk and I’m just trying to get along with everyone, ya know?
Combover: Just jokes man. Don’t worry, you’re alright by me. Go along to get along? dirty, liberal hippie marxist peacenik. GET OFF MY LAWN!
shortsshortsshorts: A drug habit and good connections are a prerequisite for living in Belltown, Seattle.
KevoTron: O.k. KevoTron my man. Meet you on the next post.
wheelie:
Bien Sur, but only a little bit.
Looks like US America is going to go on a diet, but not in a good way.
The stupids have been long told that being fat was nature’s answer to famine. Any fan of Animal Planet or National Geographic can tell you it isn’t. In nature, mobility is life as the every creature adheres to the same rule: You don’t have to out run the predator, you just have to be faster than the guy beside you.
Tomorrow’s US America would probably end up as the Road Warrior but with a much fatter cast.
SHAME ON YOU, KEN LAYNE.
2/3 OF THIS POULATION IS F A T
They eat for solace
lIKE DRUNAKRDS
THEY CANNOT AFFORD TO DRIVE
ALL THEY CAN AFFORD TO DO IS STUFF THEIR FACES AND WALLOW INTHEIR OWN SELF-PITY
Interesting, “Satanic Jackpot” is the name of my death-ska band from college.
Hey where’s my avatar?
Combover: Wow, that’s the highest compliment you could pay anyone here. “The Rush Limbaugh of Wonkette” MY MIND IS REELING
Oh fuck, and to think I reproduced. Poor things are destined to be fat, polyaddicted retards squatting in an unsold tract house as the world burns up and/or washes away around then. Oh, well. Sorry, kids. Blame your father.
I’d join the snark but there’s really no way to top the first comment. Bravo.
confusionanddelay<: I am very, very happy that I am not your child. I was the fat, poly-addicted creation of another set of sex-organs. THANK GAWD.
ah jesus ken… good to have you back!
Up here in the Great White North, we’re fat, but our houses are still worth more than they were last year, and we’re a net exporter of oil. Who’s laughing now?
Empress of Snarkistan: wait, so Marduk is Outlook?
I’m still confused as to why my sister, her husband, and kids are moving BACK to the states from Toronto. I think they’re a bit doped up on hope.
KevoTron: I support your efforts and added vote to Wonkette’s total. We are still at the bottom of the second tier of traitors–ahead of Bernadine Dorhn and Arlen Specter (who murdered Lana Clarkson)but still far behind behind Alec Baldwin and Cindy Sheehan.
Clearly Wonkette doens’t have this treason stuff down very well.
my eyes are still burning from reading this:
The service workers employed at your rat-infested rest home in the near future will all be 1,000-pound mongoloids with leg tattoos.
echoman2000: You must mean Chinese, right?
I always figured Texan moms fattened up their kids to the boys would be less tempting to the Texan Republicans.
Of course, stupid Texan moms didn’t count on GOP pedophile chubby-chasers. Oops.
Are the stoners the 50% who vote? Or the 50% who never vote?
Zhu Bajie
kellygrrrl: You know it’s a long-suffering road to saving the planet, kellygrrrl, but someone as wasteful as you are (Zahara’s family in Ethiopia hasn’t seen a letter r in years) - wouldn’t know a damn thing about that…
Fata Morgana: You ever notice that they just can’t seem to get the eyes right on those Republican wife androids?
I, too whole-heartedly voted for Wonkette. Buncha damn Hippie subversives! Love their lame attampt to take the fun out of it by “giving them what they want”. Typical convoluted NeoCon logic. Giving me what I want NEVER takes the fun out it.
Beijos
Ha Ha, now that Gasoline is getting so high I will have to sponsor a Bill to get it regulated to controle the HUFFERS.
You whities haven’t seen a shit storm yet.
I think the really good names for Jolie twins would be Saddam and Usama, or if it’s a Boy/Girl combo,go totally retro with Bonnie and Clyde or Dirty Mary and Crazy Larry. For two females it could be the Biblical favorites of best remembered fallen women, like Jezebel & Delilah, or post-modern slut-names like Mary Kate & Ashley ,Paris & Britney and so on.In any case they won’t be fit for survival once mommy drinks and smokes up the money!!!
Ouch.
“Like, hey dude; how do you separate the comments from the (satirical) article?”
With a crowbar.
And yes, that is not a very funny joke in
CaliforniaWashington.