• February 11, 2012

Screwin' My Self With My HandWe sort of already mentioned this, but apparently not enough, as every single email tip to Wonkette today is about the Invincible Cone of Silence and how John McCain was in his “straight talk” limo watching porn instead of humbly contemplating the Terrible Mystery of Jebus within Rick Warren’s meth-massage Silence Cone. But how is this Barack Obama’s fault?

Simple: A game of chance was involved, called a “coin toss.” This result of this gambling was that Barack Obama, a known poker player and favorite candidate of God/Fate, won the coin toss. So he got to go first at the Saddleback Church non-debate about who loves Jesus the most. What was lonesome John McCain supposed to do, follow the rules and stay in the Silence Cone? Fuck that shit. John McCain is a billionaire maverick and the only thing he hates more than Jesus or common people is following rules.

So he just cold hung out in his limo or bus or whatever, and then he got caught, and his campaign sent an angry letter to NBC for somehow also causing McCain to get caught breaking the basic rules of Christianity.

Despite Assurances, McCain Wasn’t in a ‘Cone of Silence’ [NYT]

{ 79 comments }

jagorev August 18, 2008 at 12:48 pm

Rules are for little people, and Negroes.

InsidiousTuna August 18, 2008 at 12:48 pm

He was just chilling in the Straight Talk Bus’s Masturbatorium.

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm

They both read Rick Warren’s book and answered accordingly. They both completely kissed ass. Everyone needs to get over it. It was laughable.

shortsshortsshorts August 18, 2008 at 12:49 pm

Gee, it’s not like his answers weren’t polished or anything and the audience didn’t LOVE his newly found evangelical faith….

defeatism August 18, 2008 at 12:50 pm

You forgot to mention that he is a FORMER PRISONER OF WAR.

ManchuCandidate August 18, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Walnuts was living the “fighter” pilot’s maxim:

“If you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t trying.”

johnbpt August 18, 2008 at 12:51 pm

The insinuation that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, was running late, is outrageous.

Texan Bulldoggette August 18, 2008 at 12:52 pm

I like his spokeswoman’s response, ‘bluster, bluster, HE WAS A POW. How DARE they question him.” Pretty soon they’ll be asking for donations of $5.50 (FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!).

Serolf Divad August 18, 2008 at 12:52 pm

Prediction: by sometime next week, McCain will have to admit that, well, yes, actually he sorta did overhear some of the questions beforehand because his limmo driver was listening to the debate on the way there. But he made a solemn vow on the tombs of his fallen POW comrades that he would answer the questions exactly the same way he would have answered them if he hadn’t overheard, so it’s all OK.

And the press, of course, will totally buy it.

snig August 18, 2008 at 12:54 pm

There was furor that a Former POW would be accused of cheating at something. He used that line on his first wife about his innocent friendships with other ladies, and also with the FBI during the Keating Five investigation. He probably gets out of speeding tickets too. Though in McCain’s defense, he’s old enough to remember when there weren’t radios or cell phones in cars, so he might have thought that since he wasn’t near a telegraph office, he was going to be incommunicado.

gjdodger August 18, 2008 at 12:54 pm

[re=62022]defeatism[/re]: Cone of Silence = SADDLEBACK HILTON.

accidental_tourist August 18, 2008 at 12:54 pm

The outright lie about the cone of silence now makes me wonder when and where Hopey and Dopey got together for this alleged “coin toss.”

Servo August 18, 2008 at 12:54 pm

Thou shalt get thine ass kicked around the House of the Lord.

edgydrifter August 18, 2008 at 12:55 pm

Spokeswhore Nicollle Wallllace, feigning indignation, sputtered “The insinuation from the Obama campaign that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated is outrageous.”

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, YOU UNGRATEFUL MONGRELS! FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!

edgydrifter August 18, 2008 at 12:57 pm

[re=62022]defeatism[/re]: [re=62025]johnbpt[/re]: [re=62027]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Ditto, ditto and ditto.

freakishlystrong August 18, 2008 at 1:02 pm

THEY’RE the ones that have been calling it the “librul media” for decades, and then an inkling of truth is said and the right wing gets “Outraged” again…
NBC should quote the Great Dick, So?

WhatTheHeck August 18, 2008 at 1:03 pm

He wasn’t technically in the ‘House of the Lord’ at the time, so lying is totally acceptable.

stolichnayaaa August 18, 2008 at 1:03 pm

This is why veterans benefits for POWs are so easy to administer- you just put a buch of cash in a warehouse and they come by and take as much as they need.

POW’s never sneak money out of the bank when they are playing monopoly.

You can’t play pickup basketball with a POW because they are constantly calling fouls on themselves.

POW gymnasts are always the correct age.

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 18, 2008 at 1:05 pm

This is embarassing. Hopey and the unicorns should shut up.

V572625694 August 18, 2008 at 1:07 pm

[re=62035]edgydrifter[/re]: Assume for the moment McCain gets elected, and sometime in February decides to confront Putin, who by then is consolidating Russian control in Hungary and Poland. McCain calls Putin and tells him, “Listen, Vlad, I spend FIVE AND A HALF YEARS in the Hanoi Hilton, and I’m not scared of anything you can do!”

And Putin says, “Listen, Juan…I knew you were there. Who do you think was bankrolling the North Vietnamese–Ross Perot? Don’t do anything rash, because I’ve got 8 x 10 stills of you groveling and weeping for mercy, and ratting out your fellow prisoners.”

wheelie August 18, 2008 at 1:07 pm

Someone here needs to bring in the POW angle.

SayItWithWookies August 18, 2008 at 1:08 pm

[re=62035]edgydrifter[/re]: McCain was a former prisoner of war? I coulda sworn the Spartans took no prisoners.
And great for Rick Warren to say he had no idea that McCain wasn’t even in the building while he was saying he had been placed in a cone of silence. Far be it from a guy who believes that death was conferred on us because a talking snake convinced a girl to eat a fig 6,000 years ago to utter a statement without evidence to back it up.

villageatrois August 18, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Ooooh, cone of silence. Could McCain just stay there for, uhh, like five and a half years, or so?

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 1:13 pm

John has no fear of incarceration from human authority figures. He merely told Pastor Rick to terminate Obama’s life functions by throwing him into the lion’s den.

Dear God, apply sufficient pressure to McCain’s blunt, pointed mangy skull and Pastor Rick’s abundant abdominal mass.

Monsieur Grumpe August 18, 2008 at 1:15 pm

I wouldn’t use the cone of silence either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqcSWI6Ppks&feature=related

Gopherit v2.0 August 18, 2008 at 1:16 pm

If God had meant for WALNUTS! to be in a cone of silence, he wouldn’t have invented tv/radio.

Oh, yeah. 5 AND A HALF YEARS!!!!

Mo MoDo August 18, 2008 at 1:18 pm

From the NYT article: Mr. McCain had not heard the broadcast of the event while in his motorcade and heard none of the questions.

Sounds like a non-denial denial if I ever heard one. Doesn’t mean someone else didn’t hear the questions and give Walnuts the answers.

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 1:18 pm

STFU, you trollop cone!

shortsshortsshorts August 18, 2008 at 1:20 pm

Oh and 5 and a half years of torture probably means you ain’t mentally fit to lead, doesn’t it Walnuts? Seriously. 5 and a half years of being tied up, beaten, incarcerated and alone. We used to do that at Alcatraz and the fucking inmates would kill people when they got out because they weren’t fit to live in society anymore, much less be POTUS.

Makeithurt August 18, 2008 at 1:21 pm

He was reading Warren’s new book The Limo Driven Life

user-of-owls August 18, 2008 at 1:21 pm

[re=62034]Servo[/re]: [re=62042]WhatTheHeck[/re]: If he’s in the House of Lords, where’s his damn wig? What? Oh, sorry…my bad.

Servo August 18, 2008 at 1:22 pm

The Soldiers of Christianity are infallible. To question their character is to condemn your soul to reincarnate as a foreigner.

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 1:23 pm

[re=62057]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Hee hee! I’d love to see Walnuts in THAT cone.

Makeithurt August 18, 2008 at 1:24 pm

[re=62066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: My boyfriend likes that stuff and he’s a CEO.

pdiddycornchips August 18, 2008 at 1:25 pm

Rick Warren should go back to making those super cool snowboard crash movies.

Canuckledragger August 18, 2008 at 1:28 pm

Pastor Rick was caught in a Purpose-Driven Lie.

Yeah, I know I posted that before, but it’s back by popular demand. [Me.]

As for McCain, why are y’all so surprised? Like a deadbeat who graduated at the bottom of his class wouldn’t cheat?

Mr. Herpes August 18, 2008 at 1:30 pm

I scored the match as a win for Obama. He got to do his Christian thing in front of all the people who are busy blogging about him being a secret Jihadist. Ain’t no Muslims that are pro-choice. McCain was so totally believable, right? It was like he was trying to remember his cover story under interrogation. Oh yeah. That’s my real name. Joe Christian.

Canmon (the Inadequate) August 18, 2008 at 1:31 pm

A limo? Is the Straight-Talk Express still in the shop after it crushed that disabled veteran in Florida?

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 1:33 pm

Pastor Ick got Cindy to play horsey in exchange for the cone lie. Cindy knows what to do in the Saddleback, you know.

AngryBlakGuy August 18, 2008 at 1:35 pm

…has the whole POW thing become the new “race card”? Anytime someone accuses you of something, simply say “are you asking me that because I’m black”? Its become apparent that anytime they get a little bit of push back the first thing they are going to refer to is him being a POW. Honestly with all the gaffs that he has committed, they are going to completely burn that narrative out if they continue to use it as a shield. He is running the risk of being turned into a 9u11iani like character that is seen as a 1 trick pony.

P.S.
I refer to the race card in
the context of people are
abusing it for personal
gain.

Servo August 18, 2008 at 1:35 pm

[re=62066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:
I’m willing to bet that the men in his division got pretty comfy with their boss’ absence. They probably through a “Good riddance, Dirtbag” party on their next port call to Olongapo.

TGY August 18, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Ohh, you wanted *fairness*. You should’ve said.

I don’t think it really matters, either. Hopey’s pandering too much anyway. I’d rather see a black muslim, anyway.

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 1:46 pm

[re=62095]TGY[/re]: I’d rather see Michael Phelps, author of “A Porpoise Driven Life.”
But, compromises must be made in these United States.

Big Al1317 August 18, 2008 at 1:47 pm

Two questions:

Who the fuck is Rick Warren?

Why does Barry get blamed for everything now? In Chicago he’s being blamed for everyone being shot around here.

weirdiowasculpture August 18, 2008 at 1:49 pm

The limo had to drive around the block a few times so McCorpse could memorize the cross in the dirt story.

shortsshortsshorts August 18, 2008 at 1:52 pm

[re=62102]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Win.

wheelie August 18, 2008 at 1:54 pm

[re=62073]Makeithurt[/re]: Your boyfriend is into torture? That I can believe.

Komando August 18, 2008 at 1:54 pm

From NYT: “The insinuation from the Obama campaign that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated is outrageous,” Ms. Wallace said.”

Wha? I really don’t see the connection. Seriously. I mean… yeah… POW … awesome, but what the fu** are you talking about?

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 2:05 pm

Question to Pastor Rick Warren: What is your greatest moral failure?

“I supported George W. Bush in the last elections, and called ever pastor and VIP in the nation, cuz I got all their personal phone numbers ya know, and told them they would BURN IN HELL if they didn’t support Bush.”

Question to Pastor Rick Warren: What is America’s greatest moral failure?

“America listened to me. All the sins of these 8 years, they are my fault.”

(Well hey, we can dream can’t we?”)

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 18, 2008 at 2:09 pm

[re=62111]Darehead[/re]: Hopey’s greatest moral failure was smoking weed. He is so close to perfect. That’s bad news for the legalize-its.

pdiddycornchips August 18, 2008 at 2:13 pm

I didn’t see it so what did Barry say to the “what’s your greatest moral failure” question? What did McCain say? Did the answer involve a vietcong transvestite hooker for either of them?

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 18, 2008 at 2:17 pm

He must have smoked a massive amount of weed for it to have such gravity. Or perhaps he thought, what do these folks object to in my past? Let me make my moral failure that. Same with McTwotimer.

V572625694 August 18, 2008 at 2:17 pm

[re=62066]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Didn’t know you were an ex-con, Shorts3. Or are you still in the pen now?

shortsshortsshorts August 18, 2008 at 2:19 pm

[re=62122]V572625694[/re]: No, but I frequently attend for conjugal visits. Nothing like taken it from a 45 year-old 300 pound rapist-murderer.

Darehead August 18, 2008 at 2:20 pm

[re=62116]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Barry said drugs when young, McCain said first marriage. But nobody asked Pastor Rick.
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/opinion/375160_grahamonline16.html

V572625694 August 18, 2008 at 2:20 pm

[re=62122]V572625694[/re]: And why doesn’t the superscript HTML tag work on this site?

sanantonerose August 18, 2008 at 2:20 pm

I prefer Marble Slab’s ice cream cone of silence.

V572625694 August 18, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=62124]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I’ll bet! I wonder how many convicts have internet access, and for how long, or for how many Pall Malls per minute. Maybe you can fill me in. Maybe Ken Layne managing edits this blog from the Supermax in Florence, CO.

natoslug August 18, 2008 at 2:25 pm

As a former child (eighteen and a half years, people!), I say “Liar liar, pants on fire!” to to the McCain camp. As a former annoying asshole, I continue with “STFU with the tired references to McCain’s POW status if you want us to shut up about his being an adulterous prick.” And, just in case nobody’s noticed this before: He’s old.

ManchuCandidate August 18, 2008 at 2:28 pm

McCain’s looking like Maxwell Smart (same skill/intelligence/guile) because he talks into his shoe, but about as successful as KAOS. Too bad that McCain’s Agent 99 is an in the closet Rove disciple and not Barbara Feldman.

villageatrois August 18, 2008 at 2:31 pm

[re=62131]natoslug[/re]: On behalf of the Olds, let me reply: uhh, what was the question? And another thing: no wonder he wouldn’t get into the Tiger Cage of Silence. And another ‘nother thing: being an an adulterous prick is not even in my top ten moral failings. So there!

jerryw August 18, 2008 at 2:38 pm

I remember the movie where Richard Pryor was a prisoner of war, and said his name was:

Miehoff, Jack Miehoff…

Did McOldfart use “Dick Gazinya” or “Ben Dover” as his prison name?

Jerry w
www. boskolives.wordpress.com

pdiddycornchips August 18, 2008 at 2:46 pm

[re=62125]Darehead[/re]:

Thanks. Drug use as an adolescent and cheating on the spouse don’t even make my top 100.

TGY August 18, 2008 at 2:56 pm

[re=62095]TGY[/re]: I can’t prose worth shit. Good thing I can math.

jerryw August 18, 2008 at 3:18 pm

When I was in the Air Force and working as a flight line mechanic on F-4 Phantoms (aka babyburners), I had to deal with short ego driven pilots like McFiveandahalfyears on a daily basis.

90% of them were total assholes that were sure that their shit didn’t stink.

If you follow a google search on these words: “Air force academy – evangelical Christian” you will see why that ratio is so high.

By the way, the hero of the Vietnamese military with the most American aircraft destroyed is John McCain

I’m just sayin…….

Jerry w
http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com

Strictly for the Tardcore August 18, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=62206]jerryw[/re]: Can we count Arizona as government property McCain’s wrecked?

FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN!!!

trophy(forparticipation)wife August 18, 2008 at 3:31 pm

[re=62155]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Word.

confusionanddelay< August 18, 2008 at 4:02 pm

ARE YOU QUESTIONING JOHN MCCAIN’S INTEGRITY?

policonoclast August 18, 2008 at 4:04 pm
RuperttheBear August 18, 2008 at 4:22 pm

[re=62022]defeatism[/re]: [re=62225]Strictly for the Tardcore[/re]: for FIVE and a HALF YEARS.

Beaten everyday. EVERY DAY.

ps. I don’t like Christians. Rick Warren is Christian. I don’t like Rick Warren.

Gopherit v2.0 August 18, 2008 at 4:40 pm

[re=62336]RuperttheBear[/re]: Sounds like my catholic grade school experience.

Gopherit v2.0 August 18, 2008 at 4:40 pm

[re=62155]pdiddycornchips[/re]: You’re a lawyer, then?

dilhavarti August 18, 2008 at 9:48 pm

[re=62106]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Second the motion.

dilhavarti August 18, 2008 at 10:05 pm

Wait, did WALNUTS! even answer? He Said “My First Marriage tanked. But America’s Moral Failure is blah blah blah.”

All he said was “It didn’t work out.” He didn’t say “I fucked this ho,” or “I gave that ex-bitch a little slappin’ around,” or whatever he did.

WALNUTS! just turned and started yapping “my friends, you ‘merican people have fucked everything up royally, and it’s going to take King ‘NUTS! to stomp some towel-head guts out. 5.5 my friends!!!”

Friggin’ old coot. Go practice your “bunker shot.” GOD!

villageatrois August 18, 2008 at 10:16 pm

[re=62294]confusionanddelay<[/re]: Question J. Sidney McCain’s integrity? No, sir, never. He has never had a smidgeon of integrity. I never meant to imply that he did, sir! I would never questioned his unblemished record, sir!

Jingo August 19, 2008 at 12:26 am

It doesn’t matter where McCain was during Obama’s segment. Pastor Rick Warren assures us that he did not hear any of Barack’s answers. How does he know? He removed the batteries from McCain’s hearing aids the day before. Why didn’t McCain just replace them you ask? An unnamed source paraphrased John saying he was happy not to have to listen to that “c-word” Cindy for a day.

zhubajie August 20, 2008 at 12:36 am

[re=62047]V572625694[/re]: Probably there are videos of him telling everything he knews and more.

zhubajie August 20, 2008 at 12:42 am

[re=62116]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Probably triple headers in Olongapo.

tocute2btrue August 24, 2008 at 12:33 pm

As usual this is all mixed up, you dummies are on a Third grade reading level.
This is actually a picture of Joe Biden at Michele and my Wedding, I have another cute pic of Michele sitting on Joes’ head, he had the cutiest little black mustache.
Joe and I will Rape Americas’ sons & daughters.

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