Wonkette
Well here is your updated Dow Jones thing, about which every “person on the Internet” today has been freaking. It went down like 350 points after a far greater initial plunge. This has baffled many, many people today, that this stock index fell triple-digits on a day when every remaining bank on Earth basically failed.
The growing trend among every blogger of every background is to preface a post with, “Now I’m not exactly an economics expert” or “This is a bit above my pay grade,” and then launch into a multi-paragraph armchair rant about credit-default swaps, mark-to-market accounting rules, the role of the derivatives, things like that (pretty much copy-pasted from a Wall Street Journal guest op-ed), and then to finally conclude “THE DOW IS IN FREE FALL AGHHHHH WAAHHHHH.”
This is not helpful. We will try to explain this in simple terms even though this is above our pay grade, as we are paid to write about real-world objects vaguely related to politics that happen to look like penises, vaginas, or poop:
1) A lot of banks made bad housing loans. A lot of financial people bought up these bad loans. A lot of people insured these bad loans. Add several more layers on a global scale.
2) Housing prices fell.
3) Much wealth was lost.
This actually happened, and it has a lot to do with why we’re digging into a deep global recession! On Wall Street, this means asset values… drop! They drop and drop and drop, because no one has much money or credit, and then everyone sells because they’re going to keep dropping dropping dropping. And then when the Dow has dropped 800 points, Wall Street says to itself, “Whoa, 800’s a lot, so now we buy shit?” So it only ends down 350 points — manageable! — and people pretend for another day that maybe our economy won’t contract during a recession, definitions and comeuppance be damned.
Wall Street tumbles amid global sell-off [AP]
I wonder what “Famous Person” has to say about all of this?
I will trade you 3 rabbits feet for your worn out sneakers. My diet needs more variety.
Wow, the Dow Jones Industrial Average is back where it was FIVE AND A HALF YEARS ago.
Fuckin’ terrorists.
Turn the page back, WALNUTS!, turn the page back.
Boy, I’m glad I don’t have any money left to lose.
4) ???
5) Profit!!!
Where’s the part when the terrorists fondled Barry’s vagina and made him ruin the housing market because he’s black and can’t afford his fancy mortgage. You’re not telling the whole story. Do you really know Barack Obama?
The good news for Wonkette is that Ass-Fucking (NYSE symbol: AFK) is up 10.54.
And construction bonds. Yes that.
I am interested in learning what effect William Ayers has upon the stock market.
Phil Gramm unleased weapons of mass economic destruction upon us. Please have him tried in The Hague for his war crimes.
I’ll be serious. Isn’t this a good thing? Won’t all this cause prices to go down? Yeah, it is bumpy, but as long as the market doesn’t completely crash, it seems like a good thing.
Who doesn’t like popping bubbles?
I’m investing in Carlo Rossi and a company that makes some good, sturdy bandanas. And I’m selling my apartment. (I rent but it’s still for sale- real cheap.)
You forgot the part where they issued 100 insurance policies on every bad loan.
TGY: The ticker symbol AFK points to an Africa ETF. What are you trying to imply here, that all the Africans enjoy gay butt sex? Because I think McCain has an ad coming out about that.
Wait, wealth was lost? Where did it go? Did they check behind the seat cushions? Sometimes I find that it ends up there. Or is ‘money’ not what we were led to believe, a natural resource like plutonium, but in fact a theoretical construct like ‘God’ that ceases to exist once you stop believing in it? Please explain.
But the good news is that I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance.
facehead: Yeah, good thing we only had to spend …700…billion…dollars to prevent a worse crash.
WIN!
Oh, wait…
magic titty: It’s kind of sad that your campaign is mimicking chain emails that the stupidest rubes in the country keep passing along to their dumb shit cousins. My kingdom (what’s left of it) for an original thought from Walnuts campaign.
Barack Obama came out of nowhere and then the stock market crashed. Coincidence? Perhaps, but really, who is the real Barack Obama? Does he pal around with terrorists? Does he manage your 401(k)? For all we know, back in the day, he crashed planes back in the day, just like the stock market.
Do you really know Barack Obama?
Meanwhile, hamster sales have nearly tripled. Yum-mo.
jagorev: OK, OK, I ADMIT IT! MEA CULPRIT!
This is what happens when people like the Palin family cheat on their taxes.
Vewol Mevemont: Barrack Obama Killed It. And by “It” I mean baby Jesus and the stock market and everything else that is good in America, God bless her and Palin, so help me God, Amen.
facehead: Popping bubbles sounds like fun, the sort of thing that innocent kids might do. This is more like popping a herpes sore, and then the contagious virus-infected credit pus goes all over the place, and then more sores show up where you least expect it (like Iceland…WTF is up with that?)
facehead: No it’ll suck — because the people who caused this crisis by speculating on margin won’t be able to do it anymore because nobody wants to lend them any money. And so stocks are gonna be in the basement for a while. And if stocks are in the basement, then the rich don’t get richer faster than the poor get poorer, which makes it look like everybody’s suffering as much as the bottom 90% have been. Add to that increased regulation (i.e. more taxes, less getting away with grand theft) and you have what we’ll all be facing for the next four years: The Obama Recession.
Jim Cramer thinks we’re all going to die in the next 5 years so you might as well spend all your money while you’ve got it.
magic titty: Cut to black and white CGI footage of Barry pushing stockbrokers out of their office windows as William Ayers plants dirty bombs all over the NYSE.
Walnuts is where to invest. Not the desperate dishonorable loser Republican. But actual nuts, as in Diamond Foods, which was up today and just pennies off its 52-week high.
Nuts baby! Yeah!
Plunge, baby, plunge!
sezme: That’s what the Paultards want to know as well… they want money to mean something again, i.e. a certain number of milligrams of Gold.
Of course, this is both completely rational and completely stupid at the same time.
sezme: Money is what we all agree it is.
I am going to the grocery store this afternoon and buy cases of Hobo soup and Hobo beans.
Then I am going to Union Station and stake out a vacant vagrant spot and get ready to move in… maybe next week.
And it’s all the fault of that Thrilla’ from Wasilla because every woman gets a special place in Hell if we don’t shoot wolves from helicopters.
Y’now Wonkers, we’ve been pushing really hard lately. Lots of extra work on Palin snark, financial disasters and defening Muslims. I think a quick four minute cofee break is in order - we deserve it.
So, here’s an old favorite of mine and I hope it’s a favorite of yours
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hcpvx2EVCpU
Then back to work on behalf of Peggy Noonan.
Of course this is the perfect excuse for people to start charging us for things that are free. T-minus-18 months to the end of the free internet.
More importantly, the LA Times is onto something here… John McCain rode in a Swift Boat, too!
By moor guns an nives. Lok yure doors and shuute at evrytheeng.
Serolf Divad: Let’s not distort what he said. He said that those planning to invest in the post-Rapture environment should hold on to their investments.
On the other hand, if you believe that you will either be taken up to heaven by Jesus or be slaughtered by one of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse, then it would be prudent to take your money out.
I think if we just get rid of capital gains taxes, social security and medicare we’ll be fine. sure it might hurt a little at first, but it will allow the good times to come back. well, until we are out of fuel and then it will be like road warrior. but what the heck.
I actually felt kind guilty about my elitist lunch of arugula-parmesan-roast beef sammich from Pret a Manger with iced Darjeeling tea. That’s how bad it’s gotten people - I can’t even enjoy my meals anymore. This meltdown needs to stop now.
SayItWithWookies, jagorev, TGY: Meanies!
facehead: No, because there are millions of people who now have no retirement savings. If you’re younger, you might not care but then again, you don’t have a job or yours is teetering because the small business you work at can’t get a loan because no banks have any money. Which means your small business needs to close and lay people off, and your distributors/vendors lose a client which hurts their bottom line. Which means you and your laid-off co-workers and those at your vendors start running up your credit cards to pay your mortgage/rent, food, etc. At which point, because the economy continues to get worse, you can’t pay them which means your credit rating goes down, which means you can’t rent or buy a house again any time soon or get a new credit card at a lower interest rate and you file for bankruptcy but the government doesn’t have any money to help because it’s been bailing out Wall Street’s cocaine habit.
So you instead join the army and get sent to Iran by President Walnuts McSnowneck where you die and your children own your debt. Good night and good luck and the end.
Serolf Divad: Good grief. I tend to tune Cramer out when he gets all ranty. But as is shown on that clip, Cramer is even more scary when he’s speaking in even tones and sounding rational. Kiss your asses goodbye folks. Or, at least anyone who intended to make any money at all in anything even mildly stock-related for the next 5 years ought to do so.
stock market, schmock market.
sezme: The wealth is sitting around in foreclosed homes that nobody can buy because nobody will lend buyers the money.
So go out and grab yourself a home! Squatters paradise!
Texan Bulldoggette: They shot their load with the ‘Celebrity’ ads. That was all they had. “He’s popular…booo!”
They’re quoting crackpots and anti-semites in their talking points these days, just trying to see what sticks.
obfuscator: Director: Now can we have Obama leaning forward, holding the window open, and grabbing his nuts, as if he just dunked on the American people, in the next shot?
Bostoprov: Count yourself lucky to still have a car, that needs insuring, etc.
When the rest of us don’t have any money to buy lipstick Palin will be laughing since her’s is tattooed on. Ditto for McCain and pork jowls.
Fuel Injected: LOL, yeah, love that this is finally being picked up by the MSM. Tiabbi did a good job in Rolling Stone too. Anyone in the “major” civil or military aviation industry in the US for the last, oh, thirty five years or so knew all this. No one else wanted to listen. Cindy’s $$ and the 5 1/2 years bought a lot of good will. And if daddy and grand-daddy weren’t who they were, he would have lost his wings when he dinged the second bird, if not the first.
The fundamentals of the economy are so strong John and Sindy McCain are bargain investing, adding to their stock portfolio at cheap prices, just like the rest of us are doing. If prices go up a bit, they may be able to swing a much-needed fourteenth car.
Guys, I’ve got plenty of rice.
jagorev: Those sandwiches are fucking delicious. Worth it, definitely.
Dubya’s Pusha Man: Wouldn’t it be easier, and more lucrative, to give handjobs for $5 a pop on a street corner than to join the army? That’s basically my backup plan.
Hold on people, we’re almost there! The Dow time machine has only pulled us back 5 and a half years, just 2 and a half more and we will be in the pre-Bush time zone and maybe this time Florida won’f fuck it up!
shoeho: “In his most serious lapse, McCain was “clowning” around in a Skyraider over southern Spain about December 1961 and flew into electrical wires, causing a blackout…”
No wonder Juan McCrash doesn’t want to talk to anyone in Spain ever again.
They should make a DOW water slide, because it would be just like Perilous Plunge at Knott’s and that’s just bad ass.
effinHel: The DOW is a DeLorean?
O.K. I give up. Osama bin Laden won. He wanted to destroy our economy. He did. He made 9/11, which made some morons re-elect their moron leader bush because he was “tough on terror,” Bush and his moron cronies screwed up the economy, and now we’re all screwed. So Osama bin Laden won. I’m pissed off.
tunamelt: I hope you remember that you offered it when LA is burning and I hunt you down for food.
Outstando: McCain in Spain falls mainly on the plains?
jagorev: Charge $10 for two-handers and you’ll be shittin’ in high grass in no time…
Cogito Ergo Bibo: I hate him so much more when he pleads, cries, and whimpers. It doesn’t at all make up for him screaming at everyone else on his show. The little worm needs to have that one last heart attack already.
jagorev: “falls mainly from his plane” would have worked better, dipshit.
jagorev: Wait, you can do that now? Hooray, new economy!
Good thing I went long on the badger hound earlier today! The prudent and savvy investor today has a portfolio weighted heavily towards dog-meat (preferably on the hoof/paw).
What happens when the Dow gets to O? A balloon drop?
The world is beyond frightened that Johnny McGoo and Sara McPussy could, or just might, based on past voting irregularities here in the great U S of A, wind up in the seat of power. Then Johnny McGoo remains true to form and taps McPussy, then has a stroke, attributed to Viagra overdose, keels over dead, McPussy is president, selects Karl Rove as Veep, then resigns to administer the 100 million dollar federal grant to the Tammy Faye Bakker you need a two by four strapped across your ass to tap it, foundation, and Rove appoints Ronald McDonald as Veep, opens a real pit barbecue in Baghdad and runs the U.S. from there.
NoWireHangers: When LA is burning, I will be at the forefront of the riots, I promise.
Two things we can always count on when it comes to the Dow. The first is when the busboy at the local Chinese restaurant is giving out stockpicking advice. That’s a sure sign the market is at the top of a peak. The second is when everyone including Cramer is wetting their bed, that’s a sure sign we’re at or near the bottom.
…say, mah fella peeps… sociated press sez our fedral gummint’s callin fer a “forceful an coordinated” reaction t’the clapse of civlization as we knew it… so, everboddy, join hans an we’ll all jump t’gether… on three… ready? 1… 2…
Paying my bills is above my pay grade.
I honestly think things will turn around soonish here, but I still hold that these drops are all good news for Barry. As long as there is bad economic news, Walnuts and his cronies won’t be able to sell the “Barack is a terr’ist” angle.
What would be great would be if things turn the corner right around January and Barry gets all the credit.
jagorev: Inspired.
I think if the market fell any more, Cramer would get it there himself and punch that arrow in the face until it started moving up again. He’s that kind of guy. He’s a doer. Not in an actually working a job kind of a doer, but in a making money off of owning the means of production kind of doer.
NoWireHangers: Free bread and circuses for everyone! Hooray!
jagorev: McCain in Spain flies mainly into *#%**zap!!1*%?`~!
Is it a coincidence that This American Life did a s show on the current crisis last night and all the sudden today bloggers claim to understand what’s going on? Methinks not!
Keram2: Actually, I’m blaming it on the stick figures: http://docs.google.com/TeamPresent?docid=ddp4zq7n_0cdjsr4fn&skipauth=true&pli=1
sati demise: Even better!
tunamelt: I will be sporting my red, black and green liberation jumpsuit that I’ve been saving for just the proper occassion. Because the revolution will be televised.
Out here in Washington state we plan on eating Dino Rossi when things get bad enough.
Are there no Mavericks on Wall St?
Anybody want to buy my baseball card collection?
edgydrifter: Win for GSH.