Ted Stevens has represented Alaska in the Senate since the days of Pangaea, when Alaska was a Land Bridge from Russia and he became famous by killin’ Cro-Magnon commies who kept crossing over to take factory jobs from “real Americans.” He wouldn’t resign from the Senate after being convicted on seven counts and wouldn’t drop out of his Senate race. This makes it all the more shocking that he has conceded the race to [random warm-bodied Democrat] today, after losing. His Very Classy statement follows!
Senator Stevens’ Statement on Recent Vote Tallies
ANCHORAGE, AK – Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) today released the following statement regarding his campaign and the most recent vote tallies in Alaska:
“Given the number of ballots that remain to be counted, it is apparent the election has been decided and Mayor Begich has been elected.
“My family and I wish to thank the thousands of Alaskans who stood by us and who supported my re-election. It was a tough fight that would not have been possible without the help of so many Alaskans – people who I am honored to call my friends. I will always remember their thoughts, prayers, and encouragement.
“I am proud of the campaign we ran and regret that the outcome was not what we had hoped for. I am deeply grateful to Alaskans for allowing me to serve them for 40 years in the U.S. Senate. It has been the greatest honor of my life to work with Alaskans of all political persuasions to make this state that we all love a better place.
“I wish Mayor Begich and his family well. My staff and I stand willing to help him prepare for his new position.”
Bye bye, love.
Stevens concedes Senate race to Begich [ADN]
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NOOOOOOOO……kay.
Yeah, and he lost on his birthday. Happy Birthday, and go fuck yourself you corrupt old coot.
Ok thanks Ted. Now go get fitted for your jumpsuit and shackles.
What a freak.You mean after all this shit, he still HAS a staff?!
And God slams the door out of Juneau shut on Sarah Palin’s fingers.
“My staff and I stand willing to help him prepare for his new position.”
Exactly how difficult is it to learn how to take bribes without getting caught?
Go fuck yourself, Stevens, you evil, corrupt, withering troll.
“people who I am honored to call my friends”…
Even the ones who didn’t give me ugly houses and LazyBoy recliners that my stupid wife didn’t even TELL me about!
Ted Stevens has represented Alaska in the Senate since the days of Pangaea
Newell, such lies insult the splendor of your avatar!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[re=181472]rambone[/re]: Apparently not one of the helpful tips Stevens can offer.
There must be some “Generic Concession Speech” website on the Series of Tubes that Ted swiped that off of. Not a personal reflection on 40 years of government service corruption in sight. How did he write his college term papers back before the Internets were ever invented?
It is my hope that one of his erstwhile constituents will send him a mackerel a day while he’s in the slammer with a note of gratitude. Or a tuna. Or a pollock. Or any really big, recently deceased fish.
[re=181468]tiger[/re]: Of course he has a staff. You can’t just fire your wives, cousins and secret gay lovers without finding some other way to pay them off!
Poor Sarah Palin… she doesn’t have a snowbillies’ chance in hell now.
Too bad, I was looking forward to stories about Senator 563-987 for the next 5-10 years.
[re=181468]tiger[/re]: His staff is old and withered.
This is the worst news I’ve heard since Princess Di was killed.
[re=181483]Them[/re]: “How did he write his college term papers back before the Internets were ever invented?”
I believe he used a truck. That, and Inuit slave labor.
…Then, his job in the Americas done, Senator Stevens exited stage left, walking toward the Bering Land Bridge he remembered so well, to return to the North Siberian yurt he grew up in circa 20 millennia ago…
[re=181483]Them[/re]: How should he know? His wife takes care of that.
but who will teach us about the tubes?!?
Missouri’s electoral votes were awarded to the Repubs today, so on the whole I would say it was a fair tradeoff.
[re=181472]rambone[/re]: What’s more disturbing is that his “staff” still stands willing.
i could forgive him for the recliner, or even some home improvements (the contractor seemed to do a decent job of it), but putting it on Ms Stevens–SHEESH–you know he’s better off in the slammer, after that number.
Poor Ted. If only he were a Florida GOP pol a cat’s whisker away from ignoble, humiliating, justified defeat.
Or had bigger ta-tahs. Because the electorate loves big ta-tahs.
[re=181484]TGY[/re]: Mackerels are money in prison. They’re the new cigs.
So does this mean that Alaska can finally go back to being the irrelevant icebox it was before the likes of Sarah Palin and Ted Stevens took over the news? Please say so. I’m almost nostalgic for daily accounts of Floridian hijinks…almost
If it weren’t for the 3,000% likelihood of a Bush pardon before the week is out, Uncle Porky Porkington would be spending the short remainder of his old, old life behind a series of bars.
Yep, that’s gonna be one helluva Thanksgiving supper, chez Stevens.
[re=181516]ShamWow[/re]: Yes, until they secede and Ice Queen Palin declares war on Russia.
[re=181489]Merry Christen[/re]: And she didn’t before either. But that won’t stop her from misreading half-cracked doors as openings through which she can barrel through. We have not seen the last of Sarah Palin.
Jesus, Ted Stevens goes down, Obama shows signs of being serious about health care, Kathleen Parker is calling out all the republican Jesus Freaks, the National Review is running out of money, Cheney got indicted, and the next Attorney General says he’s against torture. What the hell is going on in this world? Couldn’t Bush bomb somebody just so everything will feel normal again?
Unlce Ted wouldn’t have conceded had Mitch McConnell not threatened to chain one of Ted’s legs to side of beef and the other to a polar bear.
Booo! I wanted more “NO!” and less “honor, blah, blah, blah.” I guarantee Ted didn’t write that. Not enough crotchetiness.
Are those real gold buttons on his jacket? Shiny.
Stevens was framed.
freedombrothers.blogspot.com
It’s a shame all his bag men got indicted for illegally giving him money, otherwise he could have afforded the recount. Oh well, now he has time to concentrate on other matters. Like which Latin prison gang should he join and ascend the leadership ranks of.
http://thesebastards.blogspot.com/
ARF !
“Sic semper tyrannus “
“Ted Stevens has represented Alaska in the Senate since the days of Pangaea”
Finally, I totally understand the “I can see Russia from my house” comment (and yes, Ziggy Ziegler, I KNOW Tina Fey said that). Palin was just echoing – like pretty much everything else she said – what Stevens told her.
I guess that also explains what she implied about the dinosaurs being around until just a few thousand years ago.
Age does not bring virtue or wisdom. Crime doesn’t pay.
damn, no jokes about the internet tubes? what plebes have taken over this place?
anyway, the country is going to shit when a good man like stevens is not allowed to serve at least 50 years in congress. ethics be dammed, the man was going for a world record!
[re=181501]himalayancorpseeater[/re]: He’ll be learning that prison, too, involves a series of tubes…
Sweet double breasted jacket, dude! I think that’s what all the LNSers are wearing this week.
With Sen. Stevens fall from grace, the Dems move a step closer to the vaunted 60 seats needed for a filibuster-proof majority. Unfortunately, their hopes are pinned on former SNL comedian Al Franken, also known as Stuart Smalley, who is running against hippie-turned Republican Norm Coleman. But in the state that gave us Jesse “The Body” Ventura as governor, I am pretty sure anything can happen:
http://democralypsenow.blogspot.com/2008/11/sen-stevens-fall-from-grace-opens-door.html
Alaska was bound to have a season in the sun. Thank god it’s over.
[re=181539]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Just so you can keep hanging on to that feeling of dread, remember, Bush people are still listening to your phone calls.
[re=181642]wickedlittledoll[/re]: He’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him!
[re=181565]Arfer[/re]: Sic transit gloria free hot tub.
[re=181550]sanantonerose[/re]: Each gold button is stamped, “British Petroleum”.
[re=181501]himalayancorpseeater[/re]: The Amecican College of Gastroenterology,
Alaska just melted a little more…
It’s been the greatest pleasure of his life to work with Alaskans of all political “persuasions”? How many persuasions does Alaska have? Thought it was most bland, boring Republicans and a smattering of bland, boring Democrats. Am I wrong? Surprise me.
[re=181493]sevenrepeat[/re]: Staff? Withered? Heh. I getz it.
Clearly it refers to the 2000 volt, electrified cane that Ted has used for 40 years to beat back demrat socialist-hippie-scum prosecutors. Did I mention “scum”? Or “hippie”?
A guy I know who was once on the staff of a congressman did a year and a half in a federal pen in Pennsylvania. He said hardly anyone raped the old guys. Uncle Ted will walk out still a virgin.
I kind feel sorry for Uncle Ted…ha ha just kidding, fuck him. I hope he dies in prison for selling out our democracy for a wrap-around porch. See ya in hell Ted! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!
[re=181713]bonsai pajamas[/re]: “How many persuasions does Alaska have?”
Along the political spectrum:
Caribou sex. Lust wolf kill. Very, very, very pro-oil. Very, very pro-oil. Very pro-oil. Pro-oil. Bolshevik.
I hope that Mr. Stevens cellmate is nicknamed “The Hulk”.
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