According to ancient tradition, the Staten Island Groundhog bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg today, guaranteeing another six years of brutal financial collapse. Charles G. Hogg (R-Staten Island) attacked the New York mayor during a satanic ritual held each February 2 in opposition to the Christian celebration of Groundhog Day, in the Amish hamlet of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.
While the Teutonic hordes did their “Das Groundhagg est Christ” routine this morning, Bloomberg and his stock-jobbers begged the Staten Island vermin to bring wealth and power back to Manhattan.
Instead, the rat-beast lunged at Bloomberg, clamping onto the tiny mayor’s finger as crimson rain fell upon the gathered financial journalists.
The Associated Press reports:
Staten Island’s famous groundhog, Charles G. Hogg, inexplicably bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg during his annual holiday ceremony on Monday, drawing blood from the billionaire.
Said Bloomberg spokesman Stu Loeser: “It nicked his hand.”
He was told there was no risk of rabies. The 2-year-old animal was born and raised in captivity and has had no interaction with other animals.
Gahk! Blood from a billionaire, furry totems condemned to a life of caged solitude … isn’t this in the Book of Revelation? Meanwhile, in freezing Minnesota Michigan (same thing!), the mobs are calling for the execution of “Punxsutawney Phil.”
Groundhog bites NYC mayor on his big day [IHT]
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Never Forget.
Little did Bloomberg know, but Hogg supported mayoral term limits.
At least the mayor is Kosher.
Not bad. But I’m still waiting for the day a certain former mayor and self-deluded presidential candidate will be eaten alive by a roiling mass of ferrets, who never forget insults or tyranny. Or maybe he’ll get bitten by the groundhog that actually does have rabies.
Don’t we all want to savagely attack our billionaires lately? Charles G. Hogg is our new shoe-thrower.
The Amish still don’t allow consonants in town names I see
That was no rat, it was Bloomberg’s predecessor.
I saw that live on the news this morning – it was awesome. Bloomberg clearly will not be cowed by some overgrown rodent – he was fighting with it over a piece of corn on the cob.
Of course, perhaps he wanted to give us a taste of what that “Doomsday” budget will look like in action. If the economy keeps going the way it is, one will see many similar fights play out between New Yorkers and subway rats over discarded gum wrappers.
He has tasted the blood of Billionare and now wants more.
Said Bloomberg spokesman Stu Loeser: “It nicked his hand.”
He was told there was no risk of rabies, as the Mayor is up on all his shots and has the papers to prove it.
BTW, I was interviewing for a job out there a little while back, and Punxsutawney is a crumbling shithole with nothing around for miles upon miles. And they have all these truly awful, corny groundhog statues put up all over the place. The movie was not filmed anywhere near there.
In fairness to Chuck, Bloomberg’s budget cuts threatened his job.
Just as it began for ancient Rome, the masses cheer as notable figures are torn apart by beasts in a public spectacle…
Does this mean there won’t be four more years of Bloomberg?
Like naming a restaurant “Dirty Del’s,” a personnamed “Stu Loeser” pursuing a PR career seems to be a bad idea.
It was said that during the French Revolution the slathering hordes would stand as close as possible to the guillotine so that they could taste the aristocratic blood as it gushed forth with each slice of the blade. Vive le Groudhog! Let Them Eat Bloomberg!
Erm…maybe I’ve been sleeping too much because of this winter thing and therefore not up to date on my newses, but isn’t Flint, Michigan actually in Michigan? Did it move to Minnesota? When did this happen? Is it near Minneapolis?
I hope they put it down near Rochester. That place sucks anyways.
I’m hoping this is the start of new tradition. We can call it Rabid Rodent Biting Politicians with over Inflated Ego Day or maybe something with a shorter and catchier name.
What — no mention of Gobbler’s Knob? Ken, I’m disappointed.
[re=234311]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Maybe it can get Blago next year.
The 2-year-old animal was born and raised in captivity and has had no interaction with other animals.
Ah, of course. Homeschooling is very popular among those with a Republican bent.
It was revenge for the hit on Paul Castellano; groundhogs never forget.
Today, we are all billionaires.
“Staten Island’s famous groundhog, Charles G. Hogg, inexplicably bit Mayor Michael Bloomberg…”
Just what, exactly, is inexplicable about this? Makes total sense to me.
Could there be a sequel to the world’s greatest movie?
Charles G. Hogg inexplicably bites Mayor Michael Bloomberg every day for thousands of years?
Great roles for a host of characters.
i always thought that if the groundhog saw it’s shadow that jesus would have to wait two more weeks in a tower before letting down his hair so humpty dumpty can climb up and revive him on easter. i have no idea what it means when he bites the mayor.
He prpbably thought it was Mayor McCheese and he had a craving for secret sauce.
Antisemite swine!
“Stu Loeser?”
[re=234305]The Unfairman[/re]: Whoops! Fixed, to the other cold “Mi….” state.
I love this groundhog and shall name him “Bitey.”
[re=234449]Ken Layne[/re]:
Thanks Ken! Didn’t want Dear David Denby to have another thing to whine about!
[re=234325]The Unfairman[/re]: Maybe that rabid rodent IS Blago.
In this economy, even the creatures of the earth are turning on the rich.
GODDAMN HOARY MARMIT ATTACKS THE WHOLE TOWN LIKE A FOG, STOP THIS SATANIC WHISTLER NOW
[re=234271]Iggy Plop[/re]: Those are the Holiest of Holy Groundhog Idols, you cursed infidel!!!
BTW – it’s been a nice, comfortably warm, bright sunny day when I am… so EAT IT, you groundhog worshippers…
[re=234536]Jukesgrrl[/re]:
I see where you’re going with this, but I don’t know if that little dog has special brush.
I haven’t been this happy since the little birdie shat upon Pres. Bush during one of his speeches. I’m sending early garden produce to Staten Island. I love animals.
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