Wonkette
These supposed Christians made a mockery of their faith in October, when they cavorted about this golden idol of mammon, the Molten Calf of Wall Street, because obviously the best way to head off a global recession is to sing God Bless America to a statue of an animal. What has happened since these idolaters demanded that Jesus fix the stock markets?
So, while it may be impossible to time a market, it’s a pretty good bet that when fundamentalist conservative Christians are praying to a golden bull statue while wantonly massaging the beast idol, you can pretty much move to cash for six months.
Oh fuck Moses will be pissed when he hears about this…
Jesus is such a fucker.
Ha ha. Silly Christians. Don’t they know we jews control the economy?
Next time, try saying the Shma.
Then they spent the next few months surfing yiff sites (like FOX).
~
This is bullshit!
I’ve heard the scientologists are going to try their luck next. This week we should be getting some great photos of John Travolta riding the bull in full western regalia.
Very good, Ken. A little empirical disconfirmation. But they will just say that God refused their prayers because he is pissed off at America for its sinfulness. And this is just the beginning of the Last Days.
Didn’t Moses break the tablets of the Commandments in anger, when he caught the Israelites worshipping the golden calf?
This really is Bizarro World.
iolanthe: That wasn’t Moses - you’re thinking of Charlton Heston.
Newsflash: St. Paul shorts eternal life, makes killing.
They’d have better luck praying to Bob Dobbs. He really gets into the wanton massaging.
Custerwolf: Let my 401K grow!
HomoPolitico: I think there was even a picture of someone blowing on a shofar. A real, honest shofar. It was way too ironic.
Czn939: Ivana Trump blew her shofar and look where that got her.
These folks are all busy getting their kids ready to play the “Abraham & Isaac” game…
It doesn’t work until you have scantily-clad maidens rubbing themselves all over it.
And some tambourines I think.
Also.
chascates: That’s the lunch-time show over at Club Minotaur, over on 42nd Str…
Custerwolf: Um…actually - I think it was Marla (my girlfriend was his PA and told me stories)….now I don’t remember. Besides, I don’t think I was supposed to tell anyone anyway. Never. Mind.
Why does Jeebus hate America?
Today we are all beef strokers.
Invest in Gold Bullion.
They prayed to the Sacred Golden Bull and got the blessing when the bull shit out Solid Gold Ameros!
The guy with the gray hair on the left is totally trying to stroke off the bull’s horn. Legend has it golden spooge will spurt forth if the chosen one hits just the right rhythm.
Custerwolf: Damn, you posted while I was trying to come up with this. I’m fucking useless.
You see that low point there in March? That’s pretty much where I started stocking up on hooch and hobo beans.
chascates: Oh, *I* get it! It’s OK to worship idols of materialism … as long as nobody’s playing music and dancing!
Booyah!
Wow, if those Christians prayed to the stock market and it tanked that badly, imagine how screwed God must be by now! No wonder he doesn’t exist.
Incidentally, my friend did this back in Feb 2006. Pretty sure it caused the market to go up.
iolanthe: or having sex for ‘pleasure’.
Golden Idols of Mammon are fucking valuable things.
Custerwolf: May I have your recipe for beef strokinoff?
if you milk a bull, he’s your friend for life.
El Pinche: And if I just want him over “for dinner” what do I have to do?
I kid.
I’m a veg.
KittyLitter: Sure. You need just one silky smooth hand, equipped with a firm grasp, some lotion, and an active imagination.
That’s about it.
Let me know if you need a hand.
Too bad that was the Schlitz Malt Liquor golden bull. An easy mistake.
Also, how do you know Jesus wasn’t responsible for that short rally? You never can tell.
Haha! I just watched the newer movie version of Jesus Christ Superstar tonight. (Kinda ‘meh,’ but not a total loss. The tempo of many of the key songs seemed ridiculously sloooow.)
Guess I shoulda gone for the Ten Commandments instead.
Lascauxcaveman: Featuring the bluesy number “Idolatry Is a Sometime Thing.”
Returning to our vampire theme, school denies presence of vampires (and werewolf):
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2009/03/27/vampire_rumors_spur_alert_at_boston_latin___on_bullying/
The Bull: the symbol of virility, potency
The Bear: the symbol of godless, red Russian Communism
Enough said.
Bearbloke: Fun fact - according to the Qur’an, it was Abraham and Ishmael. Oh, and Mary gave birth under a date palm, not in a manger.
Jesus is mad because Bristol Palin didn’t marry the baby daddy. And tattoos. Jesus is OK with the meth, but he doesn’t like tattoos.
bonghitsforjesus: I have a story about wanton massaging in a Turkish Bathhouse near Antalya.
“Where’s your Moses now?”
Hey, I’d sprinkle Parmesan cheese on the Flying Spaghetti Monster if it would bring my 401(k) back.
Custerwolf: Thanks. I just choke on my coffee.
bago: Enough of your wonton massaging already. Just eat it, don’t play with it.
Stone them!!!
Melt down the idol and make them drink it!
You gotta admit, it took some Ba’als to do that.
You fuck with the bull, you get the horn.
Christopher Hitchens is all soaped up for you atheists to try a little stroking to get the “market” up. Hey, it’s not coldly rational and logical but neither are his reasons for supporting the Iraq War.
Ha Ha, I and Stephen Colbert laugh at these assholes trying to pray without the intervention of CATHOLIC SAINT!! St. Matthew covers most of the financial shit but I’ve started going straight to St. Dymphna - patron saint of the insane.
Pick a good one - there’s even a patron saint of boobies: http://www.americancatholic.org/Features/saints/patrons.asp#A
Personally I’ve never worshipped a golden calf. I have, however, been pretty exited by a nice set of thighs.
I can’t believe I have to wait until Sunday morning to watch one of those pre-talk show megachurch broadcast sermons in order to get my financial advice.
Giant Robot: The patron saint of corporate businessmen is Saint Homobonus?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Homobonus
rambone: That sounded less like Charlton Heston, and more like the main villain on Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers
iolanthe: Yes, and a third of the tribe was put to death. To bad we can’t do that here.
Jesus called. He wants his religion back.
Nothing is as embarrassing as the people who organized a “Prayer at the Pump” thing last summer, who even sang a modified version of “We Shall Overcome” that included the repeated lyrics “we’ll have lower gas prices, we’ll have lower gas prices” — http://caps.fool.com/Blogs/ViewPost.aspx?bpid=51257&t=01004553487438585767
tacodaemon: Did it work?
DC Hates Me: Yet another reason I was surprised that everyone was surprised by the Catholic kid touching. Dude, Catholic Church? Way gay.
Min: FTW.
All together now, in an Edward G. Robinson gangster accent: “Where’s your messiah now, see?”
tacodaemon: Yeah, next they’ll be praying for rain. Haha..oh, wait.
McDuff: Heh.
I think this Deplorable Episode is yet but another step down the Slippery Slope to a World Currency. Wingnutz take note. Also.
Dead pool is starting to determine the day that Premier of the PRC will be taking Sawzall to Mammon Bull à la Saddam Hussein Abd al-Majid al-Tikriti circa 4/2003…
bago: Address, please!
doloras: Well, I say let ‘em fight it out!…
ummm… oh yeah, right…
Nice use of a lensbaby though.
I’m just sayin’.