• February 14, 2012
DAILY BRIEFING

A Series Of Freak Events

by Sara K. Smith

8:57 am April 10, 2009

  • Apple-sized hail fell just outside a small Arkansas town before a tornado came through, killing three residents. [ABC News]
  • Wait, what? Wells Fargo reported record profits in Q1. What a hilarious idea, that banks could make a profit! [Wall Street Journal]
  • So it looks like the scary Conficker worm that was supposed to ruin the world on April 1 might now ruin the world like today. [Information Week]
  • The director of the CIA said his organization no longer operates those embarrassing Polish torture-chambers and other overseas “black sites” that made Americans look like a bunch of sinister bloodthirsty thugs. [Washington Post]
  • The president of Iran decided to start some shit by talking about how marvelously advanced his country’s nuclear technology is. [Los Angeles Times]
  • The captain of that ship that got briefly overtaken by Somali pirates is still in their clutches following a failed escape attempt. [Guardian]

{ 42 comments }

Bruno April 10, 2009 at 9:02 am

I know the CIA is telling the truth because Google Earth un-pixilated the Naval Observatory

DoctorCulturae April 10, 2009 at 9:05 am

Freak events? Darth Cheney laughs in your face.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2009 at 9:08 am

Note to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, nookular technowlogi is really 1940s/50s stuff. Making people wear white lab coats and carrying beakers don’t make it hi-tech like it did in B-movie SF and horror films.

BTW, let me know when the Nintendo GameCube and the final season of Friends finally arrives in Iran.

snideinplainsight April 10, 2009 at 9:11 am

[re=286052]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yah, but Nintendo GameCube won’t let you incinerate a few hundred thousand of your friends in a go.

Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish! April 10, 2009 at 9:13 am

I will believe in Iran’s technology when A Flock of Seagulls’ songs disappear on iTunes.

TGY April 10, 2009 at 9:22 am

You mean, like, the world’s not already ruined? Or that it will ruin the rest of the world that’s currently only a little ruined?

prophet1195 April 10, 2009 at 9:25 am

Hi-tech – Does Iran use a sword or a guillotine?

Terry April 10, 2009 at 9:28 am

So, basically, the captain of the container ship is being held in a life boat by the pirates and they are sitting in the shadow of a US military vessel. The pirates didn’t think their plan through very well.

Scandinavian Fetus April 10, 2009 at 9:29 am

We can pray the hail away, if we have only have faith.

FMA April 10, 2009 at 9:35 am

[re=286053]snideinplainsight[/re]: Are they working on that? Because it would really come in handy.

wheelie April 10, 2009 at 9:35 am

[re=286062]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: Say a Hail Mary. Ha! No? Oh well, I’m hungover.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2009 at 9:37 am

[re=286053]snideinplainsight[/re]:
Actually, game consoles are considered controlled technology because the processors can be used for dual use (civy and military applications.) The CPU that Mario runs on can be used for missile guidance systems. So far thought, it hasn’t worked out well for the NKs.

Just remember the Iranians are using North Korea Limpy Dong Too missile tech as their main delivery system.

TGY April 10, 2009 at 9:40 am

[re=286065]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You mean Kim Jong Il directs his Type O Dong missiles by yanking on his joystick? Figures.

TGY April 10, 2009 at 9:42 am

And the Conficker worm is welcome to the passwords for our empty bank accounts. “He who steals my identity steals trash.”

Bruno April 10, 2009 at 9:43 am

[re=286065]ManchuCandidate[/re]: So basically you’re saying a nuclear missle requires the same processing power as virtually jumping over rolling barrel. You can’t stop progress.

Jsab April 10, 2009 at 9:44 am

As the president of Iran brags about it’s nuclear program, Israel is trying to restrict U.S. talks with Iran about their nuclear program. And yet State Department’s Robert Wood conveyed serious skepticism about the Iran’s nuclear power…..
http://www.governmentalityblog.com/my_weblog/2009/04/israel-again-attempting-to-bait-us-on-iran.html

Come here a minute April 10, 2009 at 9:49 am

One if you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other site. In Wonkette, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.‎

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2009 at 9:52 am

Baby Jesus was MAD at Arkansas last night. I don’t know what we did (we pretty much keep the gays in check here), but it was scary. Guess I gotta pray more?

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2009 at 9:52 am

Or maybe I should just stay off Wonkette. Yes; that’s what’s bringing the smiting. Sorry Arkansas.

ManchuCandidate April 10, 2009 at 10:01 am

[re=286084]ChernobylSoup[/re]:
Naw, it’s just that Jeebus likes the “Death” Tax and hates the Waltons/Walmart.

Texan Bulldoggette April 10, 2009 at 10:02 am

No snark–my husband was raised in Mena, AR. He has teh sad about that tornado wiping out his hometown.

ChernobylSoup April 10, 2009 at 10:05 am

[re=286094]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Snark aside; tell your husband lots of folks are thinking about the good people of Mena. Live around here long enough and every town you know will get hit sooner or later.

Texan Bulldoggette April 10, 2009 at 10:09 am

[re=286102]ChernobylSoup[/re]: Yes & in OK, too. Mother Nature can be a bitch!

arclight April 10, 2009 at 10:10 am

Let’s all hope that Iran can actually have free and fair elections this time and get rid of their version of George W. Bush.

AllHat April 10, 2009 at 10:11 am

To be precise, I think the CIA said they dismissed the private security firms that ran the “black sites.” So. Private security firms. Black Sites. Did someone forget to tell the Bush administration that the X-Files were for fake?

Bruno April 10, 2009 at 10:15 am

[re=286110]AllHat[/re]: Why use cheap government labor to torture when you can outsource to a private security firm at $1000/day*?

*Or, you can do a cost based contract, like $250 per waterboard; or even a performance based one where you can charge $50m per ‘secret’ extracted.

snideinplainsight April 10, 2009 at 10:18 am

[re=286079]Come here a minute[/re]: Nobody hugs, nobody learns. Everybody snarks.

Norbert April 10, 2009 at 10:23 am

The Wells Fargo stagecoach division had an extremely good quarter in the once dangerous Cheyenne to Carson City run.

ForTheTurnstiles April 10, 2009 at 10:45 am

[re=286079]Come here a minute[/re]: No, it’s happy all the time.

You should watch this important video that has important information of great importance for the future of our important Christian nation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNIC-jZVmwg

Zadig April 10, 2009 at 10:47 am

[re=286075]Jsab[/re]: Well, of course. The easiest way to know that a third world nation has no real nuclear capability is if they’re yelling at the top of their lungs that they’ll kill you with one. It’s like a six-year old telling you he’s gonna get you with his bazooka. Do they have SOMETHING? Probably, but it’s gonna be less than 1% of what they said they had. And we’ll know soon enough when we invade, because we never learn.

Shit, everyone has speculated for at least a decade or two about how it’s ‘assumed’ that Israel has a nuke. I wouldn’t be surprised if they also have jack shit. I’d shake my head at the way the kids in the middle eastern playground bluster “And my brother totally knows karate, he’ll beat you up!” if we hadn’t been doing the exact same thing for eight years. And the whole Cold War.

TGY April 10, 2009 at 10:53 am

[re=286120]Norbert[/re]: The Wells Fargo Wagon was once the carrier of choice when UPS and Fedex were only gleams in the eyes of the great grandfathers of those who would give birth to them. Or something.

“O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin’ down the street,
Oh please let it be for me!
O-ho the Wells Fargo Wagon is a-comin’ down the street,
I wish, I wish I knew what it could be!”

TGY April 10, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=286079]Come here a minute[/re]: Awww, but it’s not true! According to the posts, most things end in TruckNutz.

TGY April 10, 2009 at 11:14 am

[re=286133]Zadig[/re]: Israel has something better: the Ark of the Covenant, which, as we all know, can vaporize your soul or whatever. The trick is to properly direct and disperse the Angel of Death contained therein while avoiding collateral soul damage. Tough one, that.

SayItWithWookies April 10, 2009 at 11:19 am

[re=286094]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: My condolences to your hubby — that sounds like a hell of a tornado.

[re=286082]ChernobylSoup[/re]: No, you got it wrong — when something bad happens to your enemies (or even just people you don’t care for) he’s punishing them and wants to turn them from their wicked ways. When something bad happens to you or your loved ones, he’s testing you or molding you as part of his Great Unknowable Plan, so just keep in mind that he would never give you any burden you’re not strong enough to bear.

Guppy06 April 10, 2009 at 11:25 am

[re=286053]snideinplainsight[/re]: Obviously you’ve never played a networked game of Mario Kart–Double Dash.

hobospacejunkie April 10, 2009 at 11:30 am

[re=286130]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: You should watch this important video that has important information of great importance for the future of our important Christian nation.

Weird. All I saw was a dog humping a cat.

Come here a minute April 10, 2009 at 11:36 am

[re=286130]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: You are right. I was wrong.

liquiddaddy April 10, 2009 at 11:45 am

Six months ago I made reservations at Der Oeschberghof for their amazingly refreshing tonics and colonics. After arriving in Berlin I was hustled into a van by three men in black trench coats, blindfolded, taken to a darkened chamber, rendered naked, handcuffed, and experienced five days of beatings, fistings, hot karls, and humiliation. Somehow I woke up later in an alley in Baden Baden wet, sticky and sore.

I don’t think that was Der Oeschberghof, but maybe the CIA should consider group rates to make their venture profitable.

Scandinavian Fetus April 10, 2009 at 12:00 pm

[re=286198]liquiddaddy[/re]: That is nothing. You should hear about my experience when I made a reservation at Taco Bell in Pheonix….

Rates are a lot cheaper here in the U.S.

liquiddaddy April 10, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=286211]Scandinavian Fetus[/re]: Run for the border!

Uncle Glenny April 10, 2009 at 2:42 pm

[re=286198]liquiddaddy[/re]: I have some videos of this sort of thing, but they’re all at least a few years old so I wouldn’t have the one with you in it.

liquiddaddy April 11, 2009 at 11:30 am

[re=286470]Uncle Glenny[/re]: You’d be surprised. I am considered the “John Holmes” of granny porn in some circles. My nom du cin: “Wilfred Rimly.”

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