Maxim magazine, which is sort of like The New Yorker for cretins, issues the “Hot 100″ every year so that its readers know who they should be thinking about when they masturbate into their tube socks. Number 93 this year is our own First Lady, so get to work, youngsters! [Maxim]
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Authors
Kirsten Boyd Johnson (800)
Jim Newell (5429)
Wonkette Jr. (626)
Liz Colville (96)
Blair Burke (171)
Kaia Mursi (44)
Garrett Quinn (13)
Ken Layne (6695)
Matt Langer (40)
Arielle Fleisher (385)
{ 110 comments }
Fap!!!
BTW, there is no way that Chelsea Handler is hotter than M.O.
Last year’s #93 spot was held by a white woman. See, they’re taking over everything!
I read Maxim once. It was sort of enjoyable for about 15 minutes, but I have no idea how anyone could stand the infantile tedium of an entire magazine, let alone subscribe.
Mmmm, First Lady porn – and to think the concept has heretofore inspired revulsion. Maxim called her “hottest First Lady in the history of these United States” – which is true, but there’s not much competition; there’s Michelle, Jackie O. and uh, that’s pretty much it.
“…when they masturbate into their tube socks.
how did you know that’s how i fap ??!!
ZOMG WONKETTE WATCHEZ ME THRU MY COMPUTR !!!!!!!!11!!!
[re=305786]Serolf Divad[/re]: Not to mention the fact that you have to use biohazard gloves to tear out the noxious scent strips from men’s colognes that infect the magazine. I was reading one at my dr’s office, and my pants stunk afterwards from having it in my lap. WHO thinks those colognes smell good?
[re=305786]Serolf Divad[/re]:
Same folks who take shows like “Ultimate Warrrior: Terminator vs. Caveman”, seriously.
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: hey, Martha Washington was supposed to be a babe.
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/6245549.html
What number was tube socks? I’m really too lazy to read Maxim crap.
[re=305789]Doglessliberal[/re]: dude, when jerk off with a magazine, you aren’t supposed to actually rub the magazine against your groin. that should help with the smell in the future. good luck!
The New Yorker for cretins. Ha!
SKS your the best.
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: So I suppose you didn’t include Edith Bolling Galt Wilson just because her maiden name was Galt, huh?
Randist.
[re=305786]Serolf Divad[/re]: It’s not quite porn, so some guys think it’s not embarrassing to read it publicly. That, and it’s read by the same guys who slather on Axe body spray and think the stink will actually attract women.
Michelle must be thrilled. Thrilled, I tell ya!
[re=305795]cranky[/re]: 1) I am female 2) resting a magazeine in one’s lap to read it while sitting in a doctor’s lobby is pretty standard behavior for a female. That being said, if I were male, I would not be jerking off to Maxim OR doing it in a doctor’s waiting room.
[re=305792]Doglessliberal[/re]: Martha Washington was supposed to be a babe.
Fap fap fap…Foxy young Martha!!
Uncle Andy taught me to masturbate with a banana peel. extra credit if you pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds.
If Maxim is The New Yorker for cretins then the Cincinnati, my hometown, must be the New York of the midwest.
[re=305802]Doglessliberal[/re]: You’re a woman? I always thought you were a dude. And we both went to UVA. This changes everything.
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: Comeon, admit it–you had a boner for Rosalyn Carter!
Is beautiful young Meagan McCabe on the list?
Don’t forget Dolly Madison, who was Ms. Ice Cream in the days before Frigidaires.
That being said, Madame First Lady is a wonderful exemplar of fabulosity. Sister Portia, I admire and salute you.
[re=305808]Paterlanger[/re]:
I always thought it was Branson.
[re=305807]Shane Botwin from Weeds[/re]: Dude, TMI.
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: WHAT ABOUT BARBARA BUSH!? Just the thought of her support hose makes me—NONONONO I can’t even finish the joke.
I always thought masterbating into a tube sock was kinda like taking a blind kid to a baseball game.
[re=305810]Shane Botwin from Weeds[/re]: You must be new around here, or don’t read others posts..
[re=305813]The Legend of TeaBagger Vance[/re]: Well now, that is an awesome name
dude/dudette…
Maxim is Cosmo for men…
[re=305806]hobospacejunkie[/re]: George scored there, with the hot, young, rich widow!
Hahaha I had no idea our female editor was a fan of that awful, secksist publication. Soon we’ll be hearing about The Watchtower. THEY ARE SO SECKSIST. THEY LITERALLY FAP WHILE WRITING.
[re=305810]Shane Botwin from Weeds[/re]: sorry! Last I checked, and last my husband knew, I was 100% female. Nothing seems to have changed recently. And yeah, UVA Law.
just wait til some pr0n-for-ladies magazine, let’s say People, “realeases” it’s Hot Dudes “issue” and the POTUS is in the top 10 with his shirt off. also. equality in our time! p.s. what the equivalent of a tube sock/hot banana peel for ladies, a hair brush? p.p.s. why do i read wonkette?
[re=305792]Doglessliberal[/re]: Not by 1789, though, when she had the old. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.
[re=305789]Doglessliberal[/re]: Haha, did your wife believe that? or did she discover that you are on the down low, and a hot guy at the gym wearing Axe was pressing his face into your private parts?
I thought Maxim was a magazine dedicated to the inventor of a certain machine gun poular back in WWI. So you’re saying this is dedicated to something even stupider? Carry on.
Erm, change “wife” to “husband” and “on the down low” to “a slut” and we’ll be good.
How the Chelsea Handler got higher than Michelle is beyond me. She’s unfunny, only got her job from boinking the boss, and she gives me antiboners.
[re=305819]ManchuCandidate[/re]: We wish! Alan Thick wouldn’t play this dump for a barrel of cash.
[re=305846]Anita Cocktail[/re]: And if I were male, I sure as hell would never get any from a guy who wore Axe. Wouldn’t as the female that I am, either. Ugh. I hate that crap.
This thinking-I-am-male thing is pretty interesting. I wonder why I come across that way?
I thought New York Magazine was The New Yorker for cretins.
Dear WONKETTEERS:
Please observe this NOT-SAFE-FOR-WORK link of a woman’s project to paint herself having sex with every president in US history:
http://justinelai.com/
We are in safe territory!
<3,
HX
Did Michelle Bachmann make the list? How about Snowbilly? Don’t those idiots know that bat-shit crazy is the new big tits?
[re=305844]JMP[/re]: good point
[re=305861]Hominidx[/re]: Wow, that chick’s got dedication. I’m working on a similar, but less ambitious idea – painting only the balls of each of the Presidents. My gallery presentation will be called SCROTUS of the POTUS.
Comeon Wingnuts, admit it–you had a boner for Michelle. It’s that ‘slave’ / master mystique. Bigger boner for Michelle Obama than Sarah and Bristol and wayyy bigger than the crack-whore twins Bush & Cheney.
[re=305870]Custerwolf[/re]: and then the Commemorative POTUS Trucknutz series?
[re=305873]prophet1195[/re]: Powerful women make their dicks shrivel.
[re=305881]sati demise[/re]: Yes, and I shall be calling that one ‘Still Life with Wood Pecker.’
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: Frances Folsom Cleveland is by far the hottest first lady ever. Of course, she had the advantage of being 21.
If Michelle can make Scarlett Johanssen go ‘way after that stupid “we email each other” regarding Hopey crap, she is at the top of the heap for all the poon that could be thrown Hopey’s way.
I believe he doesn’t dip his wick because his wife is tres awesome. If she was a cold fish in the sack (or whatevs) he could still smile a lot and tap things on the side.
I mean, sheesh, Scarlett Jo the Ho got the heave-ho (platonically)? That’s some major artillery from Michelle.
I just wasted about 15 minutes skimming through that list. A) I’ve only heard of about a dozen of them & B) how can you take serious any list that includes both of the Simpson sisters (unless it’s the ‘dumbest women to ever live’ list)?
Sorry, but most of those women weren’t even that pretty. Where was Tyra Banks (mouthy but very pretty) or Tom Brady’s ex (who is way prettier than his current)? I guess I’m just old & not a dude…
[re=305802]Doglessliberal[/re]: whew, that is some sense of of humor you’ve got there!
but i don’t get the point of 1) do women not masturbate?
Time for the masturbatorium. It rubs the lotion on the skin.
I haven’t skimmed (ahem) the article yet but I’ll wager five bucks there’s at least one pic of a woman on a Segway.
[re=305906]cranky[/re]: we do, but not in doctor’s lobbies (that I have noticed). The rest are trade secrets. Sorry, you are going to need to do some in-depth and in-person investigation on your own.
On the same list, her husband took 72nd place.
[re=305787]JMP[/re]: Rosalynn Carter was/is a very lovely woman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rosalynn_Carter
[re=305903]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I appreciate the sacrifice you made on our parts, because I was curious, but couldn’t bring myself to go look myself.
RE: the Simpson sisters: I do not think Maxim even requires a brain on the part of women on its list. Its definition of hotness involves other body parts. To-wit: Simpson sisters have enormous boobs (not that there is anything wrong with that).
Maxim magazine, which is sort of like The New Yorker for cretins
Ho, I LOLed.
I get the New Yorker at the hotel I run. After I go through it, it goes in the magazine rack in the lobby readers. One day the mailman dropped the New Yorker and Maxim on the front desk; as my night manager apparently subscribes to the latter. When I handed it to him, he asked if I wanted him to drop it in the magazine rack when he’s done with it.
I wish I had thought to say, “Why not? Some of our guest are cretins, too.”
[re=305927]Doglessliberal[/re]: i’ll pass.
[re=305934]Doglessliberal[/re]: RE: the Simpson sisters: I do not think Maxim even requires a brain on the part of women on its list. Its definition of hotness involves other body parts. To-wit: Simpson sisters have enormous boobs (not that there is anything wrong with that).
For “Maxim even requires” to “men require”. “Enormous” helps but isn’t required. “Speedboat-able” will work.
Rebecca Mader? not hot. she and i have very similar bodies, and we are not hot. i feel sick from seeing us in what she’s wearing, it’s a big pile of wrong.
[re=305934]Doglessliberal[/re]: You do realize that Maxim is the ‘cover’ magazine for closet homos, right? It’s simply a prop, something they leave laying on the coffee table so folks think they dig the pussy – not actual women, mind you – just the pussy.
[re=305792]Doglessliberal[/re]: Damn, that hot young Mrs. Washington looks exactly like my college GF Michelle. Only without the unibrow.
[re=305896]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: I don’t get it. If ScaJo wanted to fuck my boyfriend, why would I deprive him of the opportunity?
[re=305947]cranky[/re]: you could always take it off….
[re=305947]cranky[/re]: ok, they just picked the ugliest picture of her ever taken, that’s why her body looks like mine. whew, i feel better.
[re=305938]cranky[/re]: to be clear, that was not investigation with ME. I meant with other females.
[re=305949]Custerwolf[/re]: ah, I had not realized that. Then what is Esquire?
[re=305959]Custerwolf[/re]: Rarely do grateful tears fill my eyes. In a manly way, I mean. And if by ScaJo you mean the local barmaid too.
[re=305934]Doglessliberal[/re]: Requires? Maxim seems to find a brain a big detriment in its view of women; it’s probably why Michelle is down in the 90s.
I think Michelle Obama was a surprisingly good choice, but when you average that against the Chelsea Handler pick, you have to handle a null pointer.
What’s behind these seemingly random choices? Could it be mutant manatees on Maxim’s selection committee?
[re=305858]Doglessliberal[/re]: I thought you were a guy too. A slim, young, jeans-wearing guy.
[re=305961]Custerwolf[/re]: are you suggesting that i go fuck myself? cruel girl.
really, if i wanted to see more of it, i’d allow mirrors in the house. as it is, nothing below the neck.
[re=305985]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Funny! Slim, yes, young, well, let’s just say mid-30s. I like jeans and wear them a lot, but not at work.
[re=305862]Cape Clod[/re]: Instead of a chest measurement, your hotness is based on how much white space you have above and below your irises.
[re=305988]cranky[/re]: No!!! You’re wrong!!!!
[re=305985]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: dude, i didn’t think she was a guy, and i still can’t figure out where that comes from, or why it’s relevant to the joke.
we’re not sure what she is exactly, but she a *female* something, she has said. maybe some sort of high-functioning livestock with typing fingers?
[re=305810]Shane Botwin from Weeds[/re]: I assumed dude, too.
[re=305989]Doglessliberal[/re]: Not that it makes any difference, although I might be more in love now.
[re=305994]Custerwolf[/re]: No!!! You’re wrong!!!!
well generally, yes, i am. but what did i do this time?
MILF
This just in!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/michelle-obamas-540-sneakers
[re=305969]Doglessliberal[/re]: Either the times have changed or I have, but Esquire actually used to be a good mag about 20 years ago. They have to compete with all the other pop drool out there now, I suppose. The only subscription I’ve maintained is my one to Highlights. I just love those comparison drawings where you have to guess what’s missing in the picture.
[re=305977]unspiek[/re]: Honestly, when I first saw Chelsea Handler, I thought she was a tranny, no offense to trannies (some of them are very convincing).
[re=305997]cranky[/re]: I didn’t see the Maxim pics, but I googled Rebecca Mader’s pic and she has a BEAUTIFUL body. So yours can’t be any bad shakes.
[re=305995]cranky[/re]: I’d post a pic, but I am afraid I have co-workers on The Wonkette and I am supposed to be the serious lawyer here at work.
[re=305972]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: By all means (and I do mean ALL).
[re=306005]Custerwolf[/re]: I must have the most bizarre group of subscriptions ever. Excluding professional mags, I get Runner’s World, The New Yorker, US Weekly, Marie Claire, Vegetarian Times, Outside, and Baseball America. I confound demographers. Heh.
[re=305942]Tommy Says Soooo, Jugdish![/re]: Not that I’m gay, but now that I know what that term means, I totally want to speedboat Nerdalicious bazoongas.
[re=306002]Mustang[/re]:
what?
cute sneakers
[re=306011]Doglessliberal[/re]: You’re lucky that you work with people with senses of humor. I am absolutely 100 percent certain there are no Wonkette commenters within the surrounding several square miles.
[re=306014]Doglessliberal[/re]: Scandal sheets are the best for holding folk’s attention. People become totally engrossed with the stories of other people they pretend to know and don’t realize they’ve been kept waiting for hours.
[re=306016]Custerwolf[/re]: Just remember YouTube is your friend.
[re=306027]Mustang[/re]:You’re lucky they’re within that short of distance. I have to travel outside of a 40 mile circumference.
[re=305995]cranky[/re]: Your comments are funny, but I am not a dude. More like a brown-skinned Barbara Billingsley, but with Michelle Obama’s butt.
[re=305873]prophet1195[/re]: Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he’s doing alright
Hear him whip the women just around midnight
Brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Brown sugar just like a young girl should
Drums beating, cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin’ where it’s gonna stop
House boy knows that he’s doing alright
You shoulda heard him just around midnight
Brown sugar how come you taste so good, now?
Brown sugar just like a young girl should, now
Ironically, Barack Obama thinks about tube socks while he’s giving it to Michelle.
Just came to see if Maxim was still trying to claim Scarlett Johanssen was in the top five.
Yup. That chick must have an awesome PR agent. Readers keep downgrading her in votes, but the editors of most men’s mags just keep trying to pump her rep. Payola?
[re=306011]Doglessliberal[/re]: You’re not my wife, are you? Can’t remember if you’re in Austin.
[re=305947]cranky[/re]: As long as your face doesn’t look like the annoying Rebecca Mader, you must be quite fetching.
Jessica Simpson is a man. He/she/it is just ewwwwww.
[re=305802]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yer doin it rong
[re=306036]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: puh-leez. really? dude now means “haz penus”? ok, dewd, is that less offensive to your lady cakes? (i hope you really are that hot, because it’s making me happy!)
[re=306028]Custerwolf[/re]: the maxim picture makes her look like a man in drag, that’s me! but i agree, the google image search shows a hottie, that’s not me!
[re=306014]Doglessliberal[/re]: oh a female lawyer, the worst kind! post a picture when you’ve become a woman, your co-workers won’t recognize you.
[re=306077]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Northern Virginia.
[re=306077]hobospacejunkie[/re]: cranky: As long as your face doesn’t look like the annoying Rebecca Mader, you must be quite fetching.
more like K-Lo if she’d been in a better mood her whole life, ie, was not a closet-case and a virgin. “quite retching”, would be better.
but enough about me, let’s get a wonkette-men’s version of this: http://guyswithiphones.com/
[re=306096]Doglessliberal[/re]: Oh thank god.
[re=306014]Doglessliberal[/re]: You subscribe to the New Yorker AND Baseball America!? All I can say is: I want to be your dog!
WOOF!
…damn, that was my last sweat sock!
If Maxim really was the New Yorker for cretins, you’d easily be #94, SKS.
But sadly, Maxim is Playboy for cretins.
My neighbor gets Maxim. He is a lonely drinker who can be heard barfing at 6 am most days.
[re=306108]cranky[/re]: You are WAY too self-defecating.
[re=306016]Custerwolf[/re]: [/caveman changes underwear]
[re=306036]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: [/caveman changes underwear AGAIN]
Jessica Cutler would have been a much better choice. MO wouldn’t be top 1/3 in the DC area, much less top 100 in THE WORLD. I would expect this pandering from People, but Maxim? Come on.
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