SAY GOOD-BYE TO JULI & HELLO TO RILEY: Our beloved intern Juli Weiner has left us for new assignments, at both the New Yorker and N+1. Really. We hope to see her back again in Wonkette-land, eventually. But now it’s time to meet your highly qualified Summer 2009 Wonkette intern, Riley Waggaman. He hails from Wheaton College, but “not the crazy one in Illinois.” And he is the owner of this historical gossip-columnist top hat, which means he’ll be doing our new Washington Gossip Column, which we still need to name. (Riley will really be going around DC in this hat, to get the Hot Gossip!) You can help us name this new feature, in the comments! Winner gets a classic Wonkette Operative T-shirt, if said winner can convince Newell to hand it over.
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Julie was just hitting her stride! Hello to Riley anyway.
I nominate “The Crusty Bottom” as the name.
Shirtless pics please, otherwise I cannot form a cogent opinion.
You potentially have a better shot getting hot D.C. gossip with a young man than a woman.
He looks like a pelican stuck in a tree
I TOLD YOU TO PROMOTE JULI FROM INTERN TO ASSISTANT DEPUTY SUBEDITOR! ARGH! *sniff*
Oh, well. Heya.
Washington Gossip?
-Sounds from the Swamp
-Weiner Wanking in Washington
-The Weekly Adulterer
-Capital Couplings
-Titty Twisting on Taxpayer Time
-D C Men Express
Riley Waggaman? That can’t be his real name. My spell checker doesn’t recognize it.
How about DC Poopfest?
Gimme my shirt now.
He can wear that outfit when Justice Sotomayor forces him to gay marry (or gay join the army).
HE?!?!?!!?
Well, whatevs. His name seems to not be missing any letters.
How about “Gay Ass-Fucking Republican Pedophiles”? Or is that too much redundancy?
Wag The Ouroboros
Riley, holy crap. I went to the crazy Wheaton College in IL. You had me freaked out for a second there. Some of the “edgy” students during my time there tried to make a snarky alt-lit-rag, but they were utterly incapable of producing a funny abortion joke, and no mentions of buttecks, evar, hence: fail.
But yeah, good work for going to a real school. I’ll be checking your grammar.
Now that her terrorist training is complete, no one will be able to resist her.
Pubic Policy Briefs
He will always be “Maria” to me.
The real secret is the Juli is the backup nominee for the Supreme court.
His first assignment should be to go undercover and try and get that Craigslist job as an undercover conservative… The pic in the hat and bowtie should clinch the deal…
Riley Waggaman? Top hat? Bow tie?
Careful, son, you’re setting the bar pretty high from the get-go. Add a foppish waistcoat and we’re going to expect you to be channeling Oscar Wilde, if you aren’t already.
Oh thank god it isn’t the crazy Wheaton! I believe they just recently allowed dancing and clapping. Those crazy liberals at Wheaton need to be stopped!
[re=324451]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Well, it seems appropriate that Ken would replace a Weiner with a Waggaman. If Riley ever leaves the doors wide open for applicants with surnames such as Cox, Cocksmith, Dong, Johnson, or Penisman.
He may be intelligent and educated, but can he work the front butt? We have standards to maintain.
So why is this: “Intern: Juli Weiner” still on the left-hand side of the page? Come on… give Riley his :15 of fame!
“District of Calumnia”
Does this fellow have a conservative sort of mind? Might help.
How about calling it “Riley’s Gossip Column” (my strategy is no one comes up with a name and they will call it this by default and I can technically claim victory and get that damned tshirt I’ve been waiting for).
Worthless DC gossip?
How about
Washington Post, National Review Online, The Weekly StandardDamn, this is harder than I thought.
I can haz t-shirtz anyway?
Howabout “Culture of Corruption” (sounds very alt-metal)
or
“The Newell Institute of Unconfirmed Reporting”
It’s sort of bland, but how about the double (or triple) entendre “Under the Table.”
I’m just going to sulk all summer, until you convince Juli to come back. Am I going to have to start reading some awful magazine about NY?
[re=324484]Turd Way[/re]: I read that as “District of Chlamydia” which is more or less accurate
How about “Jesus Hates Fags” or maybe “Whispering Campaign.”
[re=324500]doxastic[/re]: That’s a winner.
[re=324478]NoWireHangers[/re]: Seems to me they had a “Cox” here a while back, but I can’t be sure.
Truck Nutz Review?
[re=324502]Turd Way[/re]: Well, Westboro Baptist Church may have a trademark infringement claim on the first one. http://www.godhatesfags.com/
“Washington Gossip Column”
[re=324500]doxastic[/re]: Or how about “District of Cancer” or “District of Capricorn” in which our young and neat-in-appearance Riley not only demonstrates vigorous job performance to get the gossip, but writes about his methods in sordid detail.
Farewell, Juli. Welcome, Riley. And how about, “Below the Beltway?” Or, “Top hats, and toe-tapping?”
[re=324504]V572625694[/re]: Yeas, I was actually reading WAY back when Ana Marie Cox was teh shit; everyone was so sorry to see her go!
Nowadays, not so much.
Didn’t John Edwards get him pregnant?
The Daily Reacharound
Ah, I see he “plays the flute”…and no, that’s not a metaphor for anything.
See:http://www.gabeamo.com/
Ugh. Just when I had finally figured out where Juli lives and was ready to go full stalker.
“The Top Hat Gossip Column”, or, “Does this thing remind you of Tucker Carlson?”
How about: “Felching in Formalwear and other DC Gossip”
Did Julie actually tell the New Yorker about her gig at Wonkette? Or was the time simply described as freelance reflection on pandas, trucknutz and teh buttsecks?
“Black Tie and a Pearl Necklace” or is that too sexual?
Or perhaps “The DC Men’s Room Wall”
Obvious suggestion: “The Life of Riley”
Bizzare suggestion: “The News as spoken by the Amazing Wagga-man”.
Or..
“All top hat, no trousers”
I’d hit it.
Give Denby our love, Juli!
@ Riley, good luck with the gossiping. The important thing to remember is that
the shit you make up should be plausibleyour sources must be impeccable.I suggest The Swamp Romp. Let me know when you need my address to send the t-shirt.
[re=324521]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yeah, I was here too. AMC was outrageously funny and sexy here. On Rachel’s show: not so much. Wha hoppen?
top hat white cat electric boogaloo
New Yorker???? Isn’t that where our arch-rival Denby sits and stews all day?
Juli Wiener is inside job!
Even Ben Smith has Chronicled Juli’s Redaction:
http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0509/Weiner_out.html
“Bumping (into) Uglies”
you are welcome.
Ah, you hired a fancy lad!
Capitol Crunches
The Daily Dingleberry
Diapermans’ Daily DooDoo
Obamathology
Wonkalicious
[re=324578]el_chupacabra[/re]: Haha! WIN!
“Posh Nosh with a Toff”
“I asked Newell for a job and all I got was this crummy internship”
“Way-hays and Means”
Whoa, hey, wait. Juli is going to work for the New Yorker AND n+1? Sounds like a lot of intellectual posturing for a young lass to get used to.
Don’t let them take away your sense of humor, Juli! Also, don’t sleep with any n+1 writers/editors. Trust me.
Ugh. I grew up near the “uncrazy” Wheaton College… If there is any more boring locale than southeastern Mass/aka outer-suburban Boston, I sure as fuck can’t find it.
Am I still allowed to read Wonkette if I’ve applied to the Metro Police Department? If yes, then my choices are:
-”These feet were made for walkin’- and foot fetish videos”
-”Cowboys and Indians”
-”DC United is an under appreciated sports franchise and needs a new stadium in DC, not fucking Maryland.”
-”Most Congressmen wear diapers when they have sex”
If no, then it’s been wonderful Wonkette, I’ll make sure to plant child porn in your back seat after I pull you over for not using a turn signal.
Feature Name: Sausage Fest.
Name? “Ungagged”
http://www.oberlin.edu/archive/exhibits/mock_convention/wcfields1.jpg
I knew I recognized him from somewhere.
Dogging the Wags
What is it with headgear at Wonkette? First Liz and her Carmen Miranda get-ups (she looked lovely, btw) and now this kid who appears to be doing some sort of Charlie Chaplin impersonation.
As far as the name goes…how about “Addison DeWitt’s DC”?
Juli’s the one who kept giving us homework every week, right? All that reading… She’ll fit right in with the New Yorker. Best wishes, JW!
As for the new feature, I got nuthin’! Looking forward to seeing it, though.
Aww man. Juli was the funniest person on Wonkette and she’s what, 12 years old? I hope she gets a chance to be funny wherever she ends up.
That photo. Riley, bless your heart.
I don’t trust his eyebrows.
“perez reagan”
Corinthian Columns.
And I don’t want your stupid t-shirt.
Washingtony, Toni, Tone!
Welcome, Baberaham Lincoln!
Riley, I find those t-shirts with painted on tuxedo-wear got lotz o laughz with the masses. Good luck and do some serious muck-raking
Washington Wide Stance
Hobo Beat
“The Gossip Hat”
“Hat Topics in Gossip”
“Hat-choo! Gesundheit!”
“Operation Don’t Beat Up Our Intern”
Also, I will take the shirt in the unlikely event that [re=324753]Custerwolf[/re]: wins.
I know there’s an ACORN hidden under that hat.
Beltwaggery
[re=324481]wx insider[/re]: It’s really Juli in drag. No one can afford a new intern in this economy.
How about one Juli photo before she’s gone? I’m guessing a cross between SKS & Liz but I need to know.
“Top Hat Tales”
With that look? It’s obvious:
“Popinjay-Walking”
…at least til he moves on to a career as Willy Wonka’s stunt double.
-Loose Leaves from the Land of Teabags
-From the Biden’s mouth
-Reports from the Muslin Invasion
-Rumors of Unimpeachable Repute
Anyway, welcome to the Wonkettes, Riley. You will now caper for my lunch-hour amusement.
Hats Off to Bottoms
[re=324884]Zadig[/re]: Fuck me, that should be spelled “Rumours”.
A.C.D.C. (associated columns of the district of columbia)
DC Tin Politics
[re=324876]chascates[/re]: Just do a Google images search, you lazy bastard. And yes, she is quite fetching, though as a feminist, I only like her for her literary skills.
“Foreign Correspondence from Occupied Washington, D.C.”
If Michele Bachmann will let you use it…
My dog’s name is Riley.
Yup. That’s all I got.
“Washingtongue”
-The Daily Teabagz
-Manwich Observer and Telegraph
-Waggamans Journal of Critical Observations of Etiquette and Dongschloggery in Lands Swampish and Netherly Amongst the Nation of the Sheeples
-Riley Rooter: Boy Detective
-Le Critique d’NutzTruk
-Butseks Clarion Bugler
-Different Strokes
I could do this all day.
[re=324652]19kevin8[/re]: a-fucking-men to that. South Shore = Pure Hell. We ran our indoor track meets in high school at Wheaton, but who gives a shit?
Anyway, gossip column title submission: Mr Monopoly’s Daily DC Dish
The Daily Wagg
Waggette
Stawker
DC Wagg
Oh Riley!
Wag the Blog.
[re=324752]harrison grrgeron[/re]: with that hat shouldn’t it be “Perez Lincoln”?
[re=325091]Custerwolf[/re]: Make that
Wagg the Blog
[re=325098]Custerwolf[/re]: Do you realize that there is not ONE entry for the phrase “Wagg the Blog” on Google. How’s that for originality?
“inside DC’s tighty whiteys.”
Dear Wonkette, post some Stimulus tracks. The world needs that?
Foggy Bottoms.
Adjustment: Ungaggled.
how about “The Prime Cut”
-put it on the grill son!
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