Have you ever gone to a buffet and seen, say, three dishes such as lobster, chocolate cake, and cocaine, and wondered which of these delights to sample first? That is precisely the dilemma facing Republican voters as they ponder the upcoming 2012 general election, which starts in precisely one thousand-ish days.
A NEW POLL shows respondents pretty much evenly split among Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, genital-free android Mitt Romney, and the depraved lasso fetishist Mike Huckabee. Each of them has something wonderful to offer. But which of these buffet dishes will win the big prize?
Newt Gingrich, of course, who in this metaphor is the jar of pickled eggs.
CNN Poll: No frontrunner in GOP 2012 presidential race [Political Ticker]
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{ 89 comments }
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
>>Each of them has something wonderful to offer.
Namely, syphilis, salmonella, and cancer, respectively.
If only it truly was a death match…
I rather expect this to be like a bunch of drunken siamangs flinging poo at each other. Only the siamangs might be a touch more interesting to watch.
This is all of course assuming that there will BE a Republican party in 2012.
Is Pawlenty the chicken liver pate?
Palin = Rock. Huckabee = Paper. Romney = Scissors.
What about famed NBC page and notorious retort-bungler Bobby Jindal? That guy is always good for a laugh.
[re=330760]Imagine42[/re]: Rudy is busy jetting around the country doing live infomercials for his “motivational” DVD.
The Republican candidates is more of a menu choice between liver and onions, Tako (octopus) Sushi and Head Cheese.
Three failures vying to lead the failparty to eventual faildom. Exciting!
Can I have the coke and the broad?
Well, obviously Romney is the cocaine, because he’s rich, and Huckabee is the cake because he’s fat, so I have to assume Sarah Palin is the lobster because she’s… snappy and female? OMG SEXISM
Prediction: Huck will eat Romney and his magic shorts. Huck will eat Palin but not in the sexytime way you think. Pervert. Huck will then head back to the Golden Corral.
Meanwhile in my head: Romney-Palin cagematch.
We may not be able to predict earthquakes, but, by god, we can not only predict trainwrecks, we can schedule them pretty precisely.
[re=330767]facehead[/re]: But wait, then who is Lizard and Spock?
Mittens = lobster. New England and Richy Rich.
Huck = chocolate cake. Folksy, dense and super fattening.
SarPal = cocaine. She is the “snow” queen, after all.
[re=330768]The Station Manager[/re]: I assume he’s the vindaloo-flavored communion wafer
Huckabee’s campaign poems for Palin will practically write themselves (nailin’, jailin’, failin’), but he’s going to have a fuck of a time with Romney.
“with 6 percent supporting former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush.”
“Bush in ’12″ Come on people. For America’s precious gag reflex, if nothing else.
Also, you don’t really have to choose between these three wonderful options. First you snort the cocaine, then you eat the lobster, and then you stick your weener in the chocolate cake.
[re=330779]edgydrifter[/re]: SarPal = meth. I mean, come on.
Must not omit Mark “I don’t care if everyone in my state starves and/or dies” Sanford. He hasn’t said he’s running but there must be a reason he’s standing so rigidly to his principles of ‘no government hand out; must pay down deficits in the face of SC obliteration’, right?
With Peter, Paul and Mary off the road, it’s a natural niche in the market that this trio will try its hardest to fill. Their first gig will be singing on the steps of the Jefferson Davis Monument to protest the Sotomayor nomination. The big question is whether Sarah can sing and toss her head at the same time.
Palin’s campaign motto will be “Life is short eat dessert first.” (I am assuming she’s the cocaine in this analogy.)
[re=330784]NopantsMcGee[/re]: His obvious choice of a running mate would be Liz Cheney.
Joy! Comedy gold!
[re=330766]Doglessliberal[/re]: Pawlenty is tuna hot dish (yum!).
There are plenty of options that Sara didn’t mention:
RNC Chairman Michael Steele (R-Doghouse)
Soothsayer Alan Keyes (R-The Outer Limits)
Sen. Jim DeMint (R-15th Century)
Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-Evelations)
Gov. Tim Pawlenty (R-Nyquil)
Gov. Piyush “Bobby” Jindal (R-Ukidding)
Gov. Bob Riley (R-Up The River)
Fmr. Gov. John Ellis “Jeb” Bush (R-Legacy)
Fmr. Sen. George Allen (R-Acist)
Fmr. Sen. Freddie Thompson (R-SVU)
Fmr. Sen. Larry Craig (R-Next Stall Over)
Fmr. Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-Estados Unidos)
If these were the candidates up on the stage for the 2012 Republican debates, I’d actually pay cash money to watch. Live in the auditorium or on pay-per-view. Whichever. That would be better than cartoons, even.
[re=330796]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: PURE comedy gold….. mmmm, pure cocaine.
I think that photo violates the “No LOLcats” rule. How about a still from “The Gamesters of Triskelion”? The one on Wikipedia will do nicely:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gamesters_of_Triskelion
Them pussies got my dojo risin’.
Well, we’ve got one disingenuous, empty panderer hated by his party’s base for being a Mormon, and two fundamentalist Jesus goblins who are hated by pretty much everyone except the base. Any would be a dream Republican nominee – for Barack Obama.
[re=330766]Doglessliberal[/re]: [re=330800]WadISay[/re]: Wouldn’t Gov. Good ‘n Plenty be the lutefisk?
As far as food metaphors go, I think of Mittens as a bologna sandwich with extra mayonnaise on Wonder bread; Palin as a mooseburger that she likes to let you think she shot herself, but actually she bought it at the supermarket; and Huckabee as an ice cream sundae dribbled with huge glops of cod liver oil.
[re=330796]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: ….along with Wow! Holy Shit! I assume Sara considered and rejected the whole Three Stooges analogy.
[re=330811]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And Palin’s mooseburger comes with Velveeta, but she says she’s going to donate that to charity when she’s all done with it.
[re=330810]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Hotdish is more centerist. Lutefisk be pretty extremist.
So Palin is the fox, Huckabee’s the chicken, and Romney’s the bag of feed.
How does the farmer (Michael Steele’s replacement?) get them across the river?
Fuck it, why bother?
[re=330778]Buffalodavid[/re]: Clearly, Newt is “Lizard” and Ron Paul is Goateed-Mirror-Universe Spock. And the nerdy Republicans will pick Bizzarro-Spock every time.
[re=330802]Larry McAwful[/re]: Former Sen. Rick “Frothy Mix” Santorum (R-Every Sperm is Sacred), too.
[re=330817]WadISay[/re]: I just did the Google on hot dish. Damn, that stuff looks like you could glue your roof shingles on with it. Them northerners will eat the grossest damn things–see lutefisk. (And no, I’m not trying to start a regional war again.)
[re=330831]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Come to Idaho, try the Fry Sauce, and never ever return. Happens all the time.
GOP reruns? Wait, I haven’t cleaned up all the hardest-to-get-at bits left over from the onslaught of projectile vomiting the last round caused.
Where’s JulieAnnie in this dung heap?
http://www.mathies.com/blog/giuliani_drag.jpg
Won’t those losers be surprised when Powell gets the nomination.
[re=330805]Anita Cocktail[/re]: 9000 quatloos on Mittens.
Let them start the games early, entertain us, squander all of their money and still come up with losers.
So who is to say that WALNUTS! doesn’t give it another crack in 2012?
If it were a bar; Huckabee would be moonshine distilled by Snake handlers. If you don’t go immediately blind from the moonshine, you have the spirit, otherwise death is soon to follow.
Romney would be a virgin Shirley Temple. He’s all pretty, but doesn’t have any substance.
Palin would be Yukon Jack. Yukon Jack comes in an impressive looking bottle, is sickly sweet, and leaves a horrible hangover.
Have we given up on Palin/Bachmann ’12?
We true Americans in the heart of Indiana certainly haven’t!
[re=330851]Cape Clod[/re]: Can you imagine the shame of Walnuts (if he ran in 2012) of losing to the black guy again. He already lives in infamy because his veep selection cost him the election & he’s the first white dude to lose to the first black dude. No, Walnuts’ ticker couldn’t handle having his ass handed to him again by the same black guy.
British soap television DRAMA
So L. Ron Paultard doesn’t even register on this poll? The thought of an election cycle sans trolling for paultards sends chills up my spine.
[re=330766]Doglessliberal[/re]: More like the lutefisk hotdish. Or, the nasty Jello salad with vegetables.
[re=330839]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Someone else from I-da-HO? Yowza. From the southern end presumably since we don’t do the “Fry Sauce” up here in the panhandle.
Anyway, Otter/Crapo ’12
[re=330873]Jsab[/re]: Ban Hammer! Ban Hammer! Where are you, oh mighty Ban Hammer?
Each has an important ingredient missing, rather like a Happy Meal short of an order of fries or dehydrated water.
[re=330861]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: McCain buffet dish would be tapioca.
I suppose you are right. Especially since he can no longer count on the support of his favorite campaign prop, Joe the Plumber.
genital-free, dog-abusing, android Mitt Romney
/fixed
[re=330861]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: You have a good point, but don’t rule out Walnuts! yet for the sheer grumpy old white man factor (it worked for ronnie the raygun).
Due to a recent change in the RNC bylaws, there will be no primary. Michael Steele will bind the candidates in chains and toss them in a millpond, the one that floats is the nominee.
Gingrich = prairie oysters, definitely.
Oh no. Gingrich is pickled pigs feet. Obvs.
[re=330776]Noodle Salad[/re]: God bless Michael Steele! At least he made the train-wrecks run on time.
Awwww. No Bobby Jindal? Did a volcano get him or something? Should never turn your back on a volcano, those sneaky buggers.
I was going to make a ‘Jindal is the chiken tikka masala on the all-you-can eat Indian buffet’ joke but that’s racist, so he’s the naan instead.
Jindal will have the whole thing wrapped up before Hurricane season.
I can’t believe after the disaster of ’08 (for the GOP) that these fools, who weren’t exactly innocent bystanders, are still the most viable candidates. I wouldn’t put any of them in charge of a PTA bake sale, much less the arsenal of democracy. Seriously, the GOP needs an intervention because I just don’t want to see the party of Lincoln go through another humiliating election cycle. They can’t just throw a bunch of junk and see what sticks; it didn’t work the last time.
[re=330818]Lord Growing[/re]: Farmer (Steele) takes chicken (Huckabee) across first. Then
returns, for fox (Palin). Ties fox to underside of boat before recrossing, accompanied by a pleasant burbling. Beheads chicken(Huckabee), ties esophagus to nearby tree, thus stretching out alimentary canal as river is recrossed, and anus is tied on the first side. Wishbone removed from
chicken(Huckabee) is used to stab numerous holes in feed sack(Romney) whose contents are distributed across the water on the final trip. Farmer comes ashore in 2012 free of encumberances: feed ransacked, chicken disemboweled and fox still tied under the boat.
Advantage: Palin. She still has time to poop out a few more grossly deformed babies in order to nail down the sympathy/grossly-deformed-baby-fetishist vote.
[re=330981]Mr Blifil[/re]: So essentially, her entire core demographic consists of the Santorum family.
Palin, Romney, Huckabee tied three ways. Even if its not consensual they are all adults. Can’t wait for the video link
[re=330785]jagorev[/re]: Dude! Remind me never to party with you. You have to eat the lobster first–you won’t be hungry after the coke. But yea, the cake is for fuckin’.
[re=331048]assistant/atlas[/re]: Let’s be reasonable, people. Unless you’re trying to shed pounds (in which case hit the blow hard & fast) you wanna enjoy the lobster, dipped in butter. Then a slice of cake with champagne to round out the meal and you’re ready for a few lines of coke to help you chat up that married chick who looked way outta your league before the coke.
Since the GOP primary goes down one month before the Rapture and Mittens is the One Tru Faith’s only rep, will he and his underpants rule heaven from a lonely golden throne?
[re=330887]Cape Clod[/re]: “Especially since he can no longer count on the support of his favorite campaign prop, Joe the Plumber.”
And I presume he would not run Snowbilly as his veep again, so he can discount the RW fundie, NRA, Nascar & racist vote. Ralph Nader would actually have a better chance of winning as a 3rd party candidate than Walnuts would.
Don’t forget our great Rick Perry. If he can knock off Sen. Hutchison in the 2010 Gov.’s race he’ll be primed to run for President. And secede from the United States!
Wait, what?
Your forgot Paw Paw Pawlenty!
[re=330971]Citizen Kang[/re]: See, that’s what is truely beautiful about the Republican party right now. Their response to the historically low numbers is to keep purging anything that mitigates the numbers.
I’m not going to have sex for the week before the 2012 Republican debates to see if the lunacy alone gets me off.
[re=330878]OzoneTom[/re]: We need to show more Teabagger Pride here in the panhandle. I say Phil Hart/Dan Adamson ’12.
Whichever one they pick, presumably he/she will end up as the salmon mousse at the (Grand Old) party.
[re=331235]RabidHamster[/re]: It’s true that those guys really have teh crazy that enchants the base. But Otter and Crappo have funnier names.
[re=331274]OzoneTom[/re]: In that case, I want one of my old drill sergeants to run: Richard Faas. Yes, his last name was pronounced face, and no, it wasn’t a good idea to call him Dick. Ah, good times!
[re=330805]Anita Cocktail[/re]: That would violate the ban on ironic Star Trek references.
What flavour is the Law and Order guy?
Man, thank God I’m a Democrat. I can just go vote to re-elect Obama and be done with it. Whew!
Most of the comments on this article are as intelligent as the author’s statement, “Somebody’s going to get eated”.
Palin, Romney and Huckabee are God connected candidates. Look out, people are disillusioned with President Obama’s refusal to show his identity papers. Truth and transparency is what he says, but when anyone spends this much time and money to keep his identity hidden, even the strong supporters are questioning if he will be in office by the end of 2009. People voted against God’s anti abortion, etc. and they voted for Harry Potter Book lover (witchcraft-sorcery) focus. What people got were decision from the devil’s playbook, promise one thing and do another. I voted for me. Google Marie Devine Divine-Way and see why.
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