- It turns out all you need to goose auto sales is some good old-fashioned citizen bribery. [Washington Post]
- If anybody can save two comely female journalists from the horrors of North Korean labor camps, it’s Bill Clinton. [New York Times]
- President Obama’s two top economic advisors went on TV last weekend and basically said “never say never” when it comes to a middle-class tax hike, so Obama has had those two men sent to Hell or wherever Orly Taitz is from, and he has sent out Robert Gibbs to assure the nation that he will not raise taxes on the middle class ever THE END. [New York Times]
- Even the bloodless coward Democrats in the Senate are getting a little restless at the slow pace of healthcare reform. [Reuters]
- The venerable United States Postal Service is not immune to recession, and must consider a series of painful cost-cutting measures in these difficult times. [AP]
- Jesus christ, people, do you want your kids to grow up with rickets? No? Then feed them some goddamn Vitamin D or make them play outside for 10 minutes. [Health Magazine]
Bill Clinton To Rescue Postal Service, Cure Rickets Next
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{ 28 comments }
Bubba’s hoping for a two-fer on a Sandra O face.
To save the postal system they should just let Capital One handle it. Most of the mail comes from them anyway.
“What’s in your wallet, mail box, kitchen table, garbage can?”
Re: Item 2. Is “save” a euphemism for something unspeakable?
Re: Item 6. You say “vitamins and sunshine,” American parents hear “double down on the Big Gulps full of Karo Corn Syrup.”
I’m glad we’re trading Bill for the 2 journalists, but too bad he’s lost weight. We could feed a lot more North Koreans with Limbaugh and Dobbs.
Bill Clinton, Superhero. That’s just great. Like the man needed any encouragement to run around in his underwear.
Maybe all of the soon to be unemployed postal workers can become low cost nurses. America’s problems would be solved!
Oh, Bill’s perfect for the job. Lil’ Kim fancies himself a suave character, maybe even dreams of being Bill Clinton. They’ll drink a little brandy, Bill will turn on the charm, Lil Kim will bask in the glow, the journalists will be on a plane home, and everyone is happy.
Bill’s got some serious yellow fever! Bill, keep your pasty white hands off our women!! Seriously though, at least he’s not hanging out with Burkle picking up the next generation of Monicas.
Oh, I heard about that big rickets tournament on BBC — BORING!
Another boring morning report, Sara! Where is the resignation of Mark Sanford or even some dirt on the new WHITE hope(because really what else can the GOP do) -Sen. Thune?
[re=377651]Terry[/re]:
Everyone will be happy except for the journalist when they find out what Bill is asking in return for the rescue.
This would be perfect if Bubba busts them out like Big Jim Slade at the end of Fistful of Yen.
In my fantasy, Sonia Sotomayor is driving down a lonesome desert road in a new Ford Focus she just got for her clunker. She comes upon John McCain, whose Skyhawk was shot down by the Navajo. McCain pleads for a ride and she tells him to go fuck himself, in Spanish.
I was expecting so see a “happy ending” reference for the Clinton story. Nice restraint, guys. Stay classy.
[re=377657]Crapola[/re]: I was thinking along the lines of Jack Burton and Big Trouble in Little China. On reflection though, Big Jim was a linebacker for the Kansas City Chiefs, comes with an assortment of whips and chains, along with a sexual appetite which will knock your socks off…and the capital of Nebraska is still Lincoln
Rickets?! Damn that Mr. Burns and his sun-blocking machine!
What’s next….scurvy and the plague?
Dick Cheney leaked information to Bob Novak that the special envoy was married to a government official
[re=377651]Terry[/re]: Ha! Agreed. They are perfect for each other. Bill planned to go to DPRK/NK before but the Monica scandal was a-brew and he had to send Albright instead. Big mistake! Plus, Kim is mad at Hillz for calling him a little boy so they can Hillz-bash together.
North Korean prison, or Bill Clinton? Which is the frying pan, and which is the fire?
Hey, did you forget that today is Barry Hussein X. Soetoro Obama’s birthday? Or so he CLAIMS.
[re=377677]MzNicky[/re]: I bet his birthday card is in Kenyan…
Happy Birthday, anyway.
I’m disappointed I did not get a CNN breaking news for this. First baby rhino born in Uganda in 28 years is named after Obama:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/africaandindianocean/uganda/5968129/First-baby-rhino-born-in-Uganda-in-28-years-is-named-Obama.html
But are we sure he was born in Uganda, HENNNGGGGHH!!??
make them play outside for 10 minutes.
Huh? What is this “outside” of which you speak? Is it available for the Wii?
Vitamin D also works wonders for formerly drug-addicted losers afraid to leave the dark, comforting cocoon of home. Or so I’ve heard. Also, is it true that Rep. Weiner’s birthday gift to Obama is a massage with happy ending given by Huma Abedin? Because that would be, like, 20 kinds of wrong if it were true.
breaking news: Tiny Tim Geithner cusses like a sailor.
[re=377649]Min[/re]: “Oh it’s a wonderful day to be nude!”
[re=377655]finallyhappy[/re]: These days, I imagine being designated the “next big thing” for Republican politicians feels remarkably similar to what John Daly’s golf ball feels as it’s being placed on the tee.
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