A shocking new study proves (or weakly suggests) that beloved composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart died not of Pig AIDS or Night Horrors, but from common strep throat. Mozart perished at age 35 — and not as a six-year-old muppet child as suggested by the movies — and was buried in a Vienna trash pile behind Hitler’s art school. But what killed the genius has long vexed whoever did this study, we guess.
Anyway, strep throat! They say strep throat. Why won’t Barack Obama drop his presumptuous attempts to bring some sort of modern civilized health care system to Dumb America and concentrate on developing a privately funded pharmaceutical company effort to bring Mozart back from the dead, so we can all laugh? [Reuters]
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If Mozart were alive today, he’d have to fight me for my chicken Marsala.
But if Obamagick brought Mozart back, we’d have to give up quoting Tom Lehrer’s funny line at Harvard reunion luncheons: “It’s people like that [Alma Mahler Gropius Werfel, if it matters] who make you realize how little you’ve accomplished. It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he’d been dead for three years.”
[re=389171]bureaucrap[/re]: If Mozart were alive today, he wouldn’t make the first cut on American Idol.
Mozart & The Gipper. Two great men felled by weenie little illnesses easily cured by antibiotics. If only Ronald Reagan had played Mozart instead of the faggy football player.
Cool factoid about Mozart: on his original manuscripts for a bunch of his works, he wrote little crazy messages for the soloists and section leaders and stuff, who were usually guys that he hung around and partied with anyway. Some of them are along the lines of “hey you fat old butt muncher, how you gonna hit this high ass note I wrote for you here, huh? Long one too. Glad you drank that nasty ale and banged that Austrian whore last night now, aren’t ya?” All written in awesome 18th century Viennese, of course.
I am a nerd.
Europeans, with their socialized medicine, are able to diagnose patients who died 250 years ago. Suck on that, murika.
I always confuse Mozart and Beethoven.
Which was the black one again?
No wonder Senator Salieri(R: Klagenfurt) is so doggedly opposed to having a public option.
you can die from deep throat?
That’s a nice painting of Benjamin Linus.
Thank God health care stalled til after Bob Novak died.
And he only lived that long because he was a US American. If he lived in some shithole like, oh, I don’t know, Austria, he’d have died much earlier, because of socialism.
Speaking of dead. Add Robert Novack to the rolls. Just heard he’s passed on.
[re=389191]Norbert[/re]: Actually, the virus that causes strep throat can kill you. When I was in elementary school, it went into my kidneys and they completely stopped working (I could not go to the bathroom no matter how much water I drank), putting me in the hospital for a week. I’m sure it can do nastier things as well.
Wolfgang’s motto:
Live fast, die young and leave behind an unparalleled body of work.
*cough, cough*
[re=389183]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Mozart was the one that Gary Oldman loooooves. Beethoven can get pretty fucking boring.
I REFUSE to let that shitbag Robert Novak steal Mozart’s thunder today, the way MJ did Farrah. I don’t care that Wolfgang died a couple years ago, either. This is his day goddamit.
Only a time traveling Trig can save Mozart now.
[re=389199]MissPeacock[/re]: I’m sure it can do nastier things as well.
Especially if you treat it with mercury poultices and leeches.
[re=389195]OReillysVibrator[/re]: It’s finally happened: I get my news from Wonkette. You gotta wonder, though, if there really is a God, why did He take so long to send Novak to hell?
The thing I didn’t get was why Mozart left his black son, Cool, with his old man, Jason Robards, when he had to flee the country. That was cold. Even Salieri would have deserved better than that.
[re=389178]user-of-owls[/re]:
If Mozart were alive today he’d probably be in Coldplay so it’s a good thing he’s dead.
That study, as Ken points out, was weak indeed (no indications he had a sore throat before he died), and is just dead-celebrity gossip. Serious scholars agree he was killed by his jealous rival, Barry Salieri, who got the idea from Herr Beck’s satirical revue at the plebeian Theater an der Wien in which he joked about poisoning Mozart’s wine.
OK so I do have a “bee in my bonnet” concerning this W.A. Mozart, and then I’ll step off of my soapbox.
I recall when Frank Sinatra died, Luciano Pavarotti publicly eulogized him as a talent on a par with Mozart, which, no disrespect to ‘old blue eyes,’ struck me as hilarious and stupid. I always thought Pavarotti was retarded thereafter.
I have now said my peace, thank you.
Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Papagena!
Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Pa–Papageno.
Pu–Pu–Pu–Pu–Pu–Pu–Publicoption!
Thanks be to you, Osiris, I mean Obama! Thanks (a whole helluva lot, meh)!
I heard he died of syph; some chick named Sally Yerrey gave it to him.
[re=389208]dum librul[/re]: Photoshopped mouth rape cures strep? Holy shit, also.
Mozart, the Trig of his time.
Why is Mozart wearing that awful shade of lipstick in his portrait? Is Wonkette disrespectin’ M-Dog?
But we have come so far as a society! All the way from Mozart to Hip-Hop…no wait, um, the point is we have an excellent health care system, compared to most of Africa and South America…wait that’s not what I mean either…well, there’s NO health care in Antarctica. I need a drink.
[re=389202]user-of-owls[/re]: Nice. +1.
So it wan’t Masons after all, right. BS!! Wonk offs this is another official white wash.
[re=389180]Gorillionaire[/re]: Based on your comment, I am not a nerd, just that I listen to his 35, 40, 41 symphonies back and forth to work more than any other CD. Cleveland Orchestra’s the best I’ve heard so far.
[re=389195]OReillysVibrator[/re]: OMG that is so funny!
[re=389199]MissPeacock[/re]: I think it’s a bacterium called strepto cock eye.
In the movie “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory” (original with Gene Wilder), Willie Wonka plays the opening bars of The Marriage of Figaro on a sort of magical lock. Mike TV’s mom smugly tells the group it’s Rachmaninoff. I always loved that bit. I was such a faggy kid.
[re=389191]Norbert[/re]: I *just now* realized you said deep throat instead of strep throat. Bwah!
Soon after Mozart died, Billy Joel wrote “Only the Good Die Young,”
Mozart’s that one women are always trying to abort, so it’s a wonder he lived as long as he did.
I’m sure the pubic option would have done wonders for him – as it does for us all (universal coverage, at last).
Mozart? What, Wonkette got culture now? Or did the Magic Flute have Truck Nuts?
[re=389191]Norbert[/re]: For the love of God (and head) don’t tell anyone….
Has anyone asked the question: What’s a Mozart?
[re=389764]Jukesgrrl[/re]: oh my. brilliant.
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