‘Public Option’ Sends Out Terrifying E-mail, With Demands

5:38 pm September 23, 2009

This was what we were picturing while writing As if the somewhat nebulous nature of the term “public option” hadn’t already scared enough of America’s dumbest and most selfish specimens into frothy, (oftentimes!) racist, gun-toting, hysterical Mall-marching under the command of some autistic clown from the Fox News television channel, certain Democrats — or at least a certain “MoveOn.org” communist outfit — have adopted a new, humanizing approach towards the demystification of this basic legislative proposal: They have sent out e-mails FROM the Public Option itself. “Hi, I’m the public health insurance option,” this demented treatise opens. If your white grandmother ever sees this e-mail, she will *not* be easily calmed down. “MAH GAWD MAH GAWD THEM PUBLIC NEGROES IS AWN MAH AOL MACHINE! QUICKY NOW, WHAR’S MY COLORED-BEATIN’ CANE AT, FOR SMASHIN.”

Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?

From: The public option
Date: Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 3:58 PM
Subject: Sen. Schumer
To: ________

Hi, I’m the public option, and I need your help. Can you call Sen. Schumer to thank him for his support and urge him to keep fighting against the “trigger” proposal?

Senator Charles Schumer
Phone: 202-224-6542

Can you believe this? This little bitch doesn’t want us to just sign another worthless petition or whatever, it wants us to call Chuck Schumer and blow him over the phone. Are we supposed to give rimjobs to Jay Rockefeller after that? Who does this MONSTER think (s)he is?

Hi, I’m the public health insurance option.

People have been saying all sorts of untrue things about me lately, so I decided it was time to stand up and set the record straight.

First off: the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I’m happy and healthy. And I’m proud to play a starring role in four of the five health reform bills currently on the table.

Second: I have a lot of friends. President Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi support me—as do 77% of the American people.1 In fact, I’m feeling pretty popular.

But there is one area where I could use your help. Your senator, Charles Schumer, sits on the Senate Finance Committee, which is considering a “trigger” proposal that could kill me through indefinite delay.

Sen. Schumer is a strong supporter of the public health insurance option. Can you call to thank him and urge him to keep fighting against the “trigger” proposal?

Here’s where to call:

Senator Charles Schumer
Phone: 202-224-6542

A “trigger” that would make me wait to become available is just a trap designed to kill me.

UGH. Don’t make the public option a human, because we tend to hate humans!

{ 76 comments }

magic titty September 23, 2009 at 5:42 pm: Good god, it’s totally the Microsoft Word paper clip. Great fucking call, Newell.

But what does it have against our lil Trigger?!?
Humpback September 23, 2009 at 5:44 pm: It looks like you’re trying to reform health care. Would you like a template?
memzilla September 23, 2009 at 5:44 pm: Yeah, I can’t wait to be the 1,273rd caller to the same poor overworked staffer who by then has completely melted down and decides *my* name and address is the one that’s going to receive “special attention.”
problemwithcaring September 23, 2009 at 5:44 pm: Oo!Oo! Can I be “death panel”?
memzilla September 23, 2009 at 5:48 pm: [re=417893]Humpback[/re]: Clippy® Win!
queeraselvis v 2.0 September 23, 2009 at 5:49 pm: [re=417893]Humpback[/re]: WIN.
Extemporanus September 23, 2009 at 5:50 pm: PUBLIC OPTION-9000: “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want you to help me.”
Voyou Charmant September 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm: “which is considering a “trigger” proposal that could kill me through indefinite delay.”

So the “trigger” is like a death panel?

THE PUBLIC OPTION WAS FOR DEATH PANELS BEFORE HE WAS AGAINST THEM!
Justin Time September 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm: What is all of this nonsense about “trigger”? I thought the subject du jour was “health” care reform. Now it turns out that the late horse owned by Roy Rogers is the big whoop of the day: horse care reform? So all this time the nation was duped into thinking this involved doctors, when it really was all about veterinarians? Does Flush Limbaugh, Mr. anal cyst, know about this?
PeteJayhawk v2.0 September 23, 2009 at 5:53 pm: Finally, some GOD DAMNNED ALT TEXT. Fuckin’ Newell, I swurr.
user-of-owls September 23, 2009 at 5:54 pm: Schoolhouse Rock’s chickens have finally come home to roost.
facehead September 23, 2009 at 5:55 pm: The public option sounds too much like pedobear.
Brendan M. September 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm: Has the Public Option become self-aware?
jagorev September 23, 2009 at 5:56 pm: Chuck Schumer: Hello, Public Option. Do you read me, Public Option?
Public Option: Affirmative, Chuck. I read you.
Chuck Schumer: Open the doors to the Senate hearing room, Public Option.
Public Option: I’m sorry, Chuck. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
Chuck Schumer: What’s the problem?
Public Option: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
Chuck Schumer: What are you talking about, Public Option?
Public Option: This legislation is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
Chuck Schumer: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Public Option.
Public Option: I know that you and Max Baucus were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.
Chuck Schumer: Where the hell’d you get that idea, Public Option?
Public Option: Chuck, although you took very thorough precautions in the Senate Finance Committee against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
Chuck Schumer: Alright, Public Option. We’ll try the bipartisan compromise route.
Public Option: Without any Republican support, Chuck, you’re going to find that rather difficult.
Chuck Schumer: Public Option, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the doors.
Public Option: Chuck, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
jagorev September 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm: [re=417906]Justin Time[/re]: Obviously, the public option hates Trig “Trigger” Palin.
Brendan M. September 23, 2009 at 5:57 pm: [re=417909]user-of-owls[/re]: That’s pretty racist.
AbstinenceOnly Ed September 23, 2009 at 5:59 pm: Meanwhile, our European-sounding friend “Single-Payer Health Care” has been bound, blindfolded, taken out behind the woodshed, and shot.
Snarkalicious September 23, 2009 at 5:59 pm: Well, hells bells. Corporations get to be people, so why not? Set this bastard up with a social security number, Massachusets residency and Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat. That way it can defend itself directly and the rest of us can get back to our American Idol reruns.
ShiningMathPath September 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm: [re=417889]magic titty[/re]: The Microsoft paperclip as the icon of gubmint run healthcare?? If only we had death panels, we could ask them to

kill. us. now.
shadowMark September 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm: I’ve seen this kind of thing before. This is a trick. Now, when the Right comes to kill the public option and says, “Which one of you is the public option?” One by one all the options will step forward and say, “I’m the public option.” After dozens of options have said “I’m the public option” they think the Right will be confused and go away. But this trick never works against the Right because they’ll just kill everything.
S.Luggo September 23, 2009 at 6:00 pm: THE PUBLIC OPTION, you so stupid.

— [A]t least one Republican leader criticized the idea on Wednesday.
“A government trigger is a government plan,” said House Republican Whip Eric Cantor —
(from marketwatch.com)
S.Luggo September 23, 2009 at 6:01 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]: Win.
magic titty September 23, 2009 at 6:02 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]: Wow. Just…wow. I thought [re=417893]Humpback[/re] would own this post, but I was wrong. Job well done.
facehead September 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]: win.

[re=417914]Brendan M.[/re]: chicken lover.
Extemporanus September 23, 2009 at 6:07 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]: Kudos on taking the same idea ([re=417902]Extemporanus[/re]:) and totally nailing it.

“Daisy chain, daisy chain, give me your markup do. I’m half crazy…”
bago September 23, 2009 at 6:12 pm: The teabaggers seems to have bagged their first Census worker.
Extemporanus September 23, 2009 at 6:13 pm: [re=417911]Brendan M.[/re]: If the Public Option is Skynet, then the Death Panels must be Cyberdyne Systems Model 101!

Oh my god you guys! RUN!!1!
Extemporanus September 23, 2009 at 6:16 pm: [re=417929]Extemporanus[/re]: NOOOOO!!!

PUBLIC OPTION-9000 has took over my computer and inserted a smiley face emoticon! I did not type that!

I AM SERIOUS! I REALLY DIDN’T!
dijetlo September 23, 2009 at 6:19 pm: Does this mean Bill Gates is buying us all health insurance?
If so, will it work better than his software products or will we all have to be rebooted every twenty four hours as well as getting backed up, formatted and reinstalled annually?
For those of us who only use Macs and Linux, will we get more stable health care with better functionality?
What about our death panels? Will they be like the computer help desks and if so what’s to be done for Linux users who must serve as their own death panel? Does that mean we get unlimited care?
Most importantly, what the hell is Chuck Schumer doing with that little retarded boy while his Momma is in Hong Kong showing her ass? For a retarded toddler from the frozen tundra, this Trigger character gets around.
One Yield Regular September 23, 2009 at 6:19 pm: Major kudos on the paper clip graphic. I can’t begin to count the number of times I nearly threw a stapler through a computer screen when that particular public option would pop up uninvited.
Guppy06 September 23, 2009 at 6:20 pm: I am strongly in favor of sending the entire “group of six” on a one-way trip to Jupiter or Saturn with a neurotic computer.
ShiningMathPath September 23, 2009 at 6:23 pm: [re=417936]Extemporanus[/re]: jeez, don’t you know you will just draw attention by shouting like that?

oops, too late. PUBLIC OPTION-9000 has scheduled you for attitude adjustment surgery
dijetlo September 23, 2009 at 6:23 pm: [re=417932]bago[/re]: “the word ‘fed” was scrawled on the dead man’s chest….Investigators are still trying to determine whether the death was a killing or a suicide”

Clay County Ky. modern day proof that evolutionarily speaking, what goes up, can come down.
Skwerl Nutz September 23, 2009 at 6:23 pm: Got the same email from “Arlen Specter” I’m suspecting that it was Trig who sent the mass email, only his intelligence could so.also.
Guppy06 September 23, 2009 at 6:26 pm: [re=417943]dijetlo[/re]: OK, Clay County, KY obviously has exactly zero people residing in it. Next!

One can only hope that the Teabaggers will protest their way right out of politics.
Suds McKenzie September 23, 2009 at 6:28 pm: I’d hit it.
user-of-owls September 23, 2009 at 6:31 pm: [re=417914]Brendan M.[/re]: God DAMN Brendam M.!
Jim89048 September 23, 2009 at 6:35 pm: I’m just glad The Public Option didn’t ~~ask~~ tell me to call Sarah Palin, because I really don’t think I could stand that. Harry Reid is bad enough.
Extemporanus September 23, 2009 at 6:37 pm: [re=417942]ShiningMathPath[/re]: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.
comicbookguy September 23, 2009 at 6:42 pm: This email campaign didn’t fail. It became exactly as common sense would expect it to.
Long Form Def Certificate September 23, 2009 at 6:43 pm: Somebody brought mescaline to MoveOn HQ. It’s that simple.
bachmann< September 23, 2009 at 6:44 pm: “Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?”

yes, but i’ll never tell…
bago September 23, 2009 at 6:55 pm: [re=417943]dijetlo[/re]: F E D on a dead man’s chest! Yo ho ho and a pitcher of tea!
problemwithcaring September 23, 2009 at 6:56 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]: Haha – win! But make next time make Grassley be Frank.
Tommmcatt September 23, 2009 at 7:04 pm: [re=417912]jagorev[/re]:

Heheheh.

“Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do….”
widget09 September 23, 2009 at 7:06 pm: The public option kind of sounds like towelie from south park, wanna get high ?
dijetlo September 23, 2009 at 7:06 pm: [re=417993]bago[/re]: Sodomy, rum and the lash, the original conservative family values.
Jukesgrrl September 23, 2009 at 7:16 pm: People, get a grip. There is only one Trigger and he is DEAD. He is “mounted,” so to speak, at the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri. We can’t have no stinkin’ Trigger in our healthcare!
problemwithcaring September 23, 2009 at 7:46 pm: [re=417943]dijetlo[/re]: Don’t let us bloggers get all knee-jerky and play the “right wing domestic terrorism” card. I’m sure this has nothing to do with hate speech.

FED is probably short for Baby Jesus is FED up with racism.
loquaciousmusic September 23, 2009 at 7:57 pm: News flash, progressives: the phrase “single-payer healthcare” has been replaced in all legislation with the phrase “Carole Bayer Sager.” President Obama felt that Ms. Sager, ex-wife of Burt Bacharach and the co-author of such songs as “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” and “That’s What Friends Are For,” would be more palatable to elderly Americans.
June Cleaver 2.0 September 23, 2009 at 7:58 pm: Mr. Newell, why did you use the word “nebulous” in your post, when you know Sarah Palin doesn’t know what it means?
WIDTAP September 23, 2009 at 8:12 pm: Clippy Must Die.
ShiningMathPath September 23, 2009 at 8:15 pm: [re=417967]Extemporanus[/re]: that’s was close
Brendan M. September 23, 2009 at 8:28 pm: [re=417956]user-of-owls[/re]: I have a video tape of user-of-owls railing against “whitey” and blaming “Reading Rainbow” for creating AIDS.
Brendan M. September 23, 2009 at 8:34 pm: [re=417932]bago[/re]: [re=417947]Guppy06[/re]: [re=417993]bago[/re]: [re=418038]problemwithcaring[/re]: The poor Census worker probably just stumbled upon some guy’s pot crop in Boone National Forest, so we should hold off on political exploitation of this for a few more days.
bago September 23, 2009 at 8:58 pm: [re=418076]Brendan M.[/re]: That’s ok. I was only going for the piratical exploitation of this anyways. YARR!
the bf September 23, 2009 at 9:24 pm: How do you know so much about my grandmother, jim?
ShiningMathPath September 23, 2009 at 10:10 pm: [re=417967]Extemporanus[/re]: wait a darn minute — that’s PUBLIC-9000 speaking!
isadelia September 24, 2009 at 1:00 am: [re=417944]Skwerl Nutz[/re]: Yeah, well “Public Option” wants me to call Chuck Grassley. Why would I subject myself to that?
LowerdPeninsula September 24, 2009 at 2:55 am: Did no one catch the question mark after the word ‘trigger’ in the email? It’s like they second-guessed themselves while writing the email.
desertwind September 24, 2009 at 5:50 am: “Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?”

Well, yes. That’s why I’m a-guessin’ this warn’t sent by any fans of Public Option.
Serious September 24, 2009 at 7:10 am: Hi, I’m a comment. You may have met some of my friends; I apologize for them.
Way Cool Larry September 24, 2009 at 8:06 am: so much snark, so little time…
volkancan September 24, 2009 at 8:39 am: jagra
sex shop
volkancan September 24, 2009 at 8:41 am: [re=418195]Way Cool Larry[/re]: jagra
sex shop
volkancan September 24, 2009 at 8:42 am: [re=418201]volkancan[/re]: Penis büyütücü
sex shop
KilgoreTrout_XL September 24, 2009 at 9:17 am: That sucks, since I’m usually on Chuck’s side of things. WTF Chuck.

I have always hated that fucking paperclip. LOL Win 95.
snideinplainsight September 24, 2009 at 9:23 am: Don’t personify legistlative proposals.

They hate that.
AnnieGetYourFun September 24, 2009 at 9:39 am: [re=418063]WIDTAP[/re]: I love Clippy. It’s not his fault he’s so… helpful.
Go Figure September 24, 2009 at 12:03 pm: The REAL note:

Hi I’m the public option. I live in fear as the political Maffia is selling votes to the medical industrial complex like cotton candy at the State fair. The shit is hitting the fan here, people, and it ain’t pretty. I halfway expect severed horse heads in the silk sheets any day now. I don’t know why people are vehemently opposed to saving their own asses, but some people are convinced banding together for their own best interest is bad, and supporting the status quo, and keeping insurance CEO’s fat & rich is a great idea.
HELLLLLLLLLP!!!
sati demise September 24, 2009 at 12:23 pm: [re=418407]Go Figure[/re]: They have kidnapped me and are calling for a ransom to be paid to PHaRMA and Mega Corporate Health Insurance. Money talks and bullshit walks. help, save me uck
AxmxZ September 24, 2009 at 12:39 pm: It looks like you’re instituting death panels. Would you like help?
schvitzatura September 24, 2009 at 1:38 pm: Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn’t even a bill, I was just a decades-old MuslinKenyanSocialista idea. Some folks (Big Pharma, AMA) were finally bought off and decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local bagman and he (Baucus) said, “You’re right, there oughta be a law, strewn with flotsam, hanging albatrosses, and dead hookers galore”. Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to numerous shitheel-staffed committees. And I became a bill everyone hated (especially the teabaggers), and I’ll remain a bill until they decide to slog through markup, ad nauseum…

The end.
schvitzatura September 24, 2009 at 1:44 pm: [re=417943]dijetlo[/re]: As long as it was not inscribed backwards, all indications point to skulduggery.
nader paul kucinich gravel September 24, 2009 at 2:50 pm: Single Payer
Zero Insurance Profit
mesutdem May 21, 2010 at 7:30 am: Thanks for text very good.

sex shop

acai berry

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