So you get yr Freedom Tray and load it with Cheesesteak Burgers and fried tumor pies and a bucket o’cola and sit it write there on yr crotch, while driving, and congrats you’re supporting the troops. But how can you be more patriotic while driving that $52,000 GMC fuck-truck you got a few years ago, “when credit was easy?” Get this fuck’r here, the computer desk that latches onto the steering wheel, so you can wash that Freedom Tray spread down with a fuckin’ porno jackoff. [Amazon, where the comments are epic, in a good way]
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Authors
Liz Colville (94)
Jim Newell (5413)
Kirsten Boyd Johnson (794)
Wonkette Jr. (617)
Ken Layne (6695)
Kaia Mursi (40)
Blair Burke (170)
Matt Langer (40)
Garrett Quinn (13)
Arielle Fleisher (385)
{ 74 comments }
Hahaha! Like most americans have that much room between their steering wheel and their bellies.
The Amazon.com comments are indeed high-larry-us.
Hey at least they’re promoting holding the wheel at ’2 and 10′…
…for people who will only drive due north, all the time…
Ships with automatic GPS so the cops can always find and ticket the purchaser.
Make sure to check out the pictures as well.
OMG WANT.
Jim, you’re horning in on Ken’s “America as an obese, greasy-fingered dystopian trailer park” racket…
[re=470729]WindbagCity[/re]: Ha I know, it is a “Ken” post but he is not awake and this was BREAKING NEWS.
I saw this on some other pornographic website — Jalopnik, maybe, or BoingBoing — and I laughed myself silly. Of course, I was driving and using my laptop at the same time, plus also eating, drinking, smoking, texting, talking on the phone, and using my “AutoCommode: The Traveling Pooper!”
You go to war with the Laptop Steering Wheel Computer Desk you have.
Looks like a diaper shelf. Hey, Sarah can change Trig’s diaper while she’s slipping on by on LSD, Friday night trouble bound.
Vibrator bracket attachment?
I wonder how many folks will receive one of these things as a joke gift from a Wonketter or one of those Amazon commenters.
Personally, I think the trays need to be embossed with images or logos. Your favorite sports team, branches of the military, a screaming eagle of freedom, etc.
Does it have one of those blow job buttons? You press the button and… get a blow job.
If so, WANT.
Hey Jim, are you implying those Amazon comment-ers are better than Wonketters? Because that is mean.
Well finally, a way to stand up through the sunroof and steer with my feet safely. Is this a great country or what.
Freedumb Trays, TRUCKNUTZ, and Steering Wheel ‘Puter Desks are my entire Xmas list. My friends and family will LOVE me.
What’s kinda weird is, there are probably people whose jobs would be easier if they had this thing, because they have to write up stuff on their laptops after completing a site visit. Not while driving, mind, but after spraying for bugs or locking up a perp. Would be excellent for sportswriters who need to file on deadline but don’t want to freeze to death in an unheated high school press box. But my favorite use is still the Amazoner who puts their Fry Daddy on it.
To many F-words in such a short paragraph.
The tray can be used as a shield to deflect an angry wife swinging a golf club.
[re=470730]Jim Newell[/re]:And here’s one for the ladies, you know who you are, you laid off career builders you. Perfect for pretending to be back at the office that closed last year. Hey darling, go get me some coffee and file this in the glovebox would you sweetums? http://modernoffice.stores.yahoo.net/aurowst.html
“Wow is this thing great! I use it as a “mini-bar” when the friends and I go out to the bars. I can quickly fix multiple shots of tequila for myself and the friends as we drive from one bar to the next.”
“One cautionary note be careful of those jerks that stop at yellow lights, my poor mother rear ended one and the airbag drove the desk back into her stomach which ruptured her spleen,…”
“This also dampens down the steering quite nicely if you had a couple of drinks and have a hard time driving in a straight line.
5 stars ! “
Must see the “customer images” added on the Amazon.
Is there room for both your laptop and a Double Whopper™ Extra Value Meal? Or do I gotta buy two of these?
Jim is channeling Hunter S. Thompson in a big way these days. The thing is, I can see the use for something like this or the mobile file cabinet for someone who works out of their car a lot, like a realtor, but of course some fuckwit is gonna use it to work on laptop while driving down the Interstate and O NO O MY GOD A HORRIBLE WRECK!!!1
Thats so the handicaps can drive with their asses.
Will wait until it fits one of these.
[re=470747]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Falling down fuckin’ hilarious…
Damn I was hoping for that thing that will project the porn onto the inside of my Batmobile windshield so I can still keep my eyes on the road while giving Throbbin’ all the attention he craves and so richly deserves.
Finally a place to put my pillow and take a nap while I’m driving to work in the morning.
My 26-yo daughter would see no reason not to use this while driving down the road.
Where the fuck did all of these smart commenters on Amazon come from? Any time I leave a review on Amazon, I get a bazillion comments about how NEAL STEPHENSON IS TOO THE GREATEST SCIENCE FICTION WRITER OF ALL TIME YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING SO SHUT UP.
[re=470745]Edywin[/re]: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. With a motherfucking printer so you can coordinate with your Taliban co-conspirators all the more easily. FUCK STAPLES I’m makin’ invites and preparing depositions in my RIDE.
[re=470760]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Neal Stephenson? Seriously? I mean, he’s tolerable, but after reading “Snow Crash,” I’m not really compelled to read any more of his stuff. I’m not a big science fiction reader anyway, but I do like Philip K. Dick, sort of. I mean, his stories are great, but I can’t stand his writing style. Oddly, I find him more pleasant to read once he’s been translated into French. His stories are great. Stephenson, though… blah. If he wants to write a movie, he should just go ahead and write it as a screenplay. On his laptop, in the front seat. (See? I’m not straying off topic, after all!)
I think Blind Man Approved says it all: “Do you have any idea how hard it is to read Braille books while driving?” I laughed so hard that my fellow cube inmates realized I was not working.
[re=470763]Larry McAwful[/re]: Not a big sci-fi reader, but I will agre about Dick: his ideas are better than his writing.
I’m assuming the company selling this is part of Darwin Industries.
Whatever happened to just using a desk top?
The faghag and I bought matching Car’Brators at our local sex store. Yes, it is, and yes, it plugs into THAT. But now with my Laptop Steering Wheel Desk I can deep throat my Clone-a-Willy at the same time!
God bless us. Everyone.
[re=470763]Larry McAwful[/re]: Cryptonomicon. Greatest story EVAH. I keep a copy on my Laptop Steering Wheel Desk.
Pure gold! The 360+ comments and the reviewer added photos. E-shoppers sure are a cheeky bunch!
I created a fake account, but I can only make commentary if I buy something from Amazon, so here’s my product review of a device I can’t make commentary on:
“Hated it. My pomeranian baby, Chico, was resting peacefully on it, when I made a hard right turn. He slid off and flew out the window. Amazon, I want my fucking dead dog back.”
[re=470760]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Check out these comments. Even better than this laptop thing!
[re=470766]magic titty[/re]: [re=470763]Larry McAwful[/re]: Perhaps that’s why his books have made such excellent movies: Total Recall, which was a brilliant film right up to about the last two minutes, which ranks right up there with Speed for egregious violation of the laws of physics, and Blade Runner. Man, Blade Runner was one fantastic movie.
This would make pants-free driving in a convertible a lot less embarassing, wouldn’t it?
Is there a mirrored version so I can blow rails on the West Side Highway?
[re=470774]Sharkey[/re]: Built for Beltway living.
[re=470763]Larry McAwful[/re]: I just translated your comment into French and found it musch easier to read.
This will be perfect for when I have to move into my car. The back seat can be the bedroom and the front can be my office. I’ll just cut a hole in the floor for the bathroom and be good to go.
By the time you get home from the supermarket, all the veggies are sliced.
Comments are the second birth of literacy in America.
Wouldn’t this just spill everything when you turned the wheel?
[re=470774]Sharkey[/re]: And the reviews for Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz are not to be missed, either.
5 new, from $67.99!
Oh god, the 1 star Amazon comments. Best reading since the great TRUCKNUTZ! warz.
Ah.So now the Associate Editors have no reason to be late with their posts, even while on the road.
And of course, it makes the perfect Christmas gift. Thank you Santa Newell!
[re=470774]Sharkey[/re]: The price is a muy espensivo. Aside from the Bolivian army, where can you get one used?
I want to turn it into a low-rider so that I can scare the shit out of the Anglos in my neighbor.
[re=470735]Terry[/re]: Amazon should name the tray thingee “The Hunter Thompson”.
[re=470812]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: “Little too flimsy for my 52″ LCD”
OMFG
I’m modifying mine with a 2 inch diameter grommet that I’ll install in the center, for obvious reasons.
OK so you have to plan your turns a little more. Like that’s a bad thing?
[re=470805]PoetryMan[/re]: Comments are the second birth of literacy–
“…Everything has changed since the old ones came up—new platforms, new ways of communicating. Everyone has a mic now, from the guy making YouTubes to the anonymous drunk on the comment thread.
“But it’s still possible to set an example, encourage the helpful, stand for the good, pass on the lore, take responsibility.
“The new Elders will have to rescue America from the precipice. They’ll have to be mature, think of the collective, of the country as a whole.
“If they don’t do it, who will? …”
That’s Peggy. Advice from the Right: Think of the collective!
—————
I guess this new Elders stuff is okay, but it makes me very nervous when people like fucked up movies made from Philip K. Dick books better than beautiful Philip K. Dick books. That collective needs to read more. I’m just saying.
Short but sweet review by a reviewer with a serious (?) query: “I live in the U.K, where the steering wheel is on the right side of the car. Will this product work in my car, or just those in the States? If so, does it require any extra parts or modifications??”
Good gravy, I’m some sort of prophet. I better not mention what I think those C Street goons are up to.
Laptop steering wheel desk – the must have gift for the recently foreclosed.
This is my proudest day, as this was my tip to Mr. Newell. My husband sent me the link, and I have no clue where he got it. Oh, gee, maybe it will be my gift this year. Thanks, Honey!
[re=470763]Larry McAwful[/re]: RIGHT? Snow Crash ruined Stephenson for me. My friends were all, “You’ll love it, you’re a linguist and it has to do with language and stuff!” and I just kept putting it down and wondering what I did to end up with such stupid friends.
But never diss a Stephenson plot online. That, or fucking William Gibson. OMG, his fans are rabid and non-sensical, almost like Palin’s flocks (“Just because YOU found the story dull and unlikely doesn’t mean that you have to TELL PEOPLE about it. So shut up and stop writing about it, jerk.”).
[re=470920]Doglessliberal[/re]: Oh, christ, you ARE married? I had such hopes for you and Wookies.
[re=470774]Sharkey[/re]: Wow. Thank you for that. This has been one of my better mornings.
[re=470958]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Yes, I am, and happily. (I mean, who wouldn’t be happy when married to a guy who sends you links to products like this?) But who knows, I hear that when Teh Geys are done, group marriages (among other things) will be OK, right? So there’s hope yet.
Wait, are those Amazon reviews all from Wonketteers?
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[re=470809]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:
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Indeed.
[re=470973]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yes, but once the geyz destroy marriage, I think the appropriate thing to do is to marry a donkey, or some other symbol of the Democratic Party, just to really rub it in.
[re=471048]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: you can rub the donkey, too!
[re=471056]Doglessliberal[/re]: Walked right into that one, didn’t I?
[re=470958]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Stephenson fans remind me of Heinlein fans, for the same reason: fanatical following of someone who tells cheeto-fingered basement dwellers that all their libertarian fantasies of being rogues, renegades and sex gods sticking it to The Man have the backing of a Big Intellectual Author.
[re=470738]magic titty[/re]: Really; who knew?
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