Vulgar leather smoking jacket John Boehner does not believe in Congress WASTING ITS TIME on meaningless resolutions, and so it makes sense that he has now introduced the most meaningful House Resolution of the current Congress: H.R. 951, the resolution to save Christmas from the Jews, Atheists, Aliens, and other Democrats and Nobamas.
Whereas Christmas is a national holiday celebrated on December 25; and
Whereas the Framers intended that the First Amendment of the Constitution, in prohibiting the establishment of religion, would not prohibit any mention of religion or reference to God in civic dialog: Now, therefore, be it
Resolved, That the House of Representatives–
(1) recognizes the importance of the symbols and traditions of Christmas;
(2) strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas; and
(3) expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas.
Now here we are mocking this, but some Republican has introduced this piece of crap every year since John Gibson of Fox News invented the War on Christmas in order to sell books, and every year it is probably the most important piece of annual legislation for 20 percent of the country. It is why they even bother voting! Maybe.
House GOP is pro-Christmas [Washington Monthly]
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(4) Strongly condemns muslim preemption of Charlie Brown Christmas specials; and
House GOP is pro-Christmas.
Women Talk of Rain.
Phone Rings in Empty Room.
Next up: Water, Still Wet!!!
Rankin-Bass Entertainment gave us “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” “Here Comes Santa Claus,” “Frosty the Snowman” and many others, but “How John Boehner Saved Christmas” shows that they’ve clearly run out of ideas.
Because if I can’t hear “Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas” while shopping at WalMart my entire belief system could be shattered to bits?
Whereas our Lord and Savoir is named Christ, not Christberg, all Real Americans will be celebrating CHRISTmas with Freedom Trays for all. Amen.
The resolution also wants to shift the blame of murdering our lord back to the jews.
“strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas”
Yes, it’s very important for Congress to express disapproval of something that does not exist. I’d call Boehner a dick, but his own name already does so.
If he added
(4) is confused as fuck about why Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan are dating;
I’d totally support this. Otherwise, meh.
“Recognizes the importance of symbols…” Someone’s been reading Dan Brown again!
Everytime David Vitter makes a kee-kee in his diaper, the Baby Jesus cries.
So this means the Muslims can shit their views all over everybody too, right?
Baaaah humjob!
Dear Congressman Boehner:
Merry motherfucking Solstichristmukkahazaa, you orange-tinted, reptilian, Festivus pole dancer with a penchant for teen boy butt. And a Happy New Year, also.
No love,
The World
Oh, btw, did anyone watch Prep & Landing? And whadja think? I know one of the directors, so curious to see how it’s gonna do as an Instant Christmas Classic™.
So Congress will officially support the use of symbols by those who want to use symbols. Who says the First Amendment is dead?
They want Ben & Jerry’s to put out limited edition Jesus flavored ice cream which I’m guessing would be vanilla with cross-shaped bits of cookie dough and chocolate bits shaped like nails…
Today we are all Baby Jesus.
5) Snorts a giant bowl of powdered rat dick.
[re=474843]Lazy Media[/re]: Too many symbols. (Though many were rather humorous pop culture references.) My kid wanted to watch it, so it was a good thing NCIS was a re-run.
[/snark]
Guys, we are fucked. Game over. This country is chock full of morons and retards. I won’t go into it, but while waiting in line at my local post office this morning I overheard conversations being struck by strangers with the most inane, pointless, un-funny disguised as funny drivel you could ever imagine. The fact everyone was slovenly fat only amplified the sense of hopelessness.
Go on, House of Representatives. Do what you do best. It really is what the people want.
We are fucked, and that is that.
[snark]
[re=474843]Lazy Media[/re]: Didn’t see it. Never heard of it. If you mean you “know” one of the directors in a biblical sense I hope you weren’t planning on riding that fuck to fame.
Happy Holidays!
Also.
[re=474843]Lazy Media[/re]: There was an elf in the show who spoke with a fancy English accent. Doesn’t your “friend” know that CHRISTmas is exclusively for people who talk ‘Merkin, also too?
Top story on O’RLY tonight, no?
John Boehner is a were-ass.
This will save America.
Did the the Framers intended that the First Amendment of the Constitution prohibit the establishment of religion? Is that how it worked? Because if so, I think they’re doing it wrong.
The Puritans must be spinning in their graves.
http://masstraveljournal.com/features/boston-cambridge/when-christmas-was-banned-boston
And a Happy Winter Solstice to all.
See, this is just Boehner subconsciously compensating for his having been Left Behind. Yes, the rapture already happened, and he woke up this morning to find he’s still stuck here with the rest of us. God didn’t want him, ’cause he’s too orange.
During this year’s annual airing of grievances, this one just made it into the top 5.
I’m going to ask my congressmen and senators to introduce similar bills recognizing that our founding fathers also recognized Wiccan holidays and belief systems, and we should celebrate Wiccan holidays, and prevent people from having anti-Wiccan sentiments and celebrations, to have a National Wiccan Tree on the Capital and White House and Washington Monument and Ellipse grounds, and every year on Dec. 25, we should also celebrate “Wiccanmas,” and everyone should say, “MERRY WICCANMAS!!!” to everyone, all day, every day, from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, and everyone should buy lots of Wiccan presents and gifts and foods and clothes and toys and Wiccan CVS-sponsored perfume, soap, scented candle and crystal special gift sets!!
Merry Wiccanmas, everyone, and to all a good night!
[re=474846]shadowMark[/re]: That wouldn’t be right; I’ve eaten Jesus, he tastes like a flat unsalted cracker and cheap watery red wine.
Not to go all Eckhart Tolle on your asses, but, why must the symbols and traditions become synonymous with the ideas and beliefs themselves? Why don’t these
foolspeople realize that their emphasis is misplaced? Are they just not happy if they can’t complain about something?Roscoe is usually so unflappable. What is it with this particular flavor of stupidity?
((OK, I’m done.))
And John Boehner grew three sizes that day. Oh, sorry: it’s pronounced ‘BAY-nus’.
[re=474850]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Sounds like *somebody* needs to listen to NPR or the BBC or something. But not Cokie Roberts. Wait, the BBC isn’t broadcast from America? Crap, I guess we *are* all screwed.
It’s nice to know Boehner is in favor of that sordid socialist religion that advocates giving your coat to a stranger and helping people in need. Is he really trying to encourage people to follow that hippie who didn’t need money, didn’t have a job, praised the meek and never got married and procreated? What is that commie trying to do to America? John Boehner, I want my country back!
[re=474850]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: shouldn’t it be … ??
[re=474850]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Roscoe, no one says it better than you do, my friend.
Congress CAN’T PASS A FUCKING HEALTH CARE REFORM BILL AFTER MONTHS OF DICKING AROUND, but can pass useless resolutions in no time.
Fuck Congress. Bastards. All of ‘em.
[re=474867]thefrontpage[/re]: No, we should demand that all the stores remember the original reason for the season, and must greet us with a hearty “Lo, Saturnalia!” If they acknowledge some upstart heathen Jewish cult instead, it’s time to feed someone to the lions.
I put up a Charlie Brown Xmas Tree. It was hilarious when the spiked egg nog was flowing. It’s just kind of pathetic in the cruel light of day.
I assume we’re allowed to our “symbols and traditions” at will? Or is serving crescent rolls gonna get me a one way trip to Gitmo?
This is the Santa Clause.
[re=474890]JMP[/re]: Or feed someone to the Linus, I suppose.
See Saturnalia– the holiday, traditions, and symbols the Christian Church arbitrarily chose for the birth of baby jeebus.
I put up mt Saturnalia tree this weekend.
Christ on toast.
[re=474836]Dave J.[/re]:
5) Specifically ban Dr. Suess books and old Boris Karloff movies, those commie bastards.
[re=474842]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
I’m stealing that for my Xmas cards this year.
Hehe Thanks.
[re=474850]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:
Don’t panic. Drink.
That’s all I got. Sorry.
If they ever do pass this piece of legislation, I’m going to be tried and convicted of war crimes.
Whereas, the Founding Fathers explicitly forbade the establishment of religion by the state, but fuck them.
[re=474868]JMP[/re]: At my church (when I was a member a long time ago) it wasn’t even that. I think they gave us hard tack left over from the civil war and watered down grape juice.
A NSFW bit of Christmas Cheer for everyone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq10bz3PxyY&feature=player_embedded
(3) expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas.
Dude. You just described an old Lawrence Welk re-run.
[re=474835]JMP[/re]:
I’m going to write my congresscritter right now and ask him to introduce a resolution changing Boehner’s first name to Dick. It could pass by unanimous consent, I would think.
I had a student write a “The War On Xmas Is So Mean” position paper this semester. Her main source (in her words): “Former Representative David Duke, Ph.D”
I gave her a “D”–I thought that was generous.
Looks like Boehner is in good company.
So where does Boner spend his time because I have seen Christmas symbols and heard Christmas muzak since September all over the USA. Every single store, restaurant, coffee shop, gas station has a tree, lights, santa, angels, elves and every piece of Christmas music playing all the time.
Blasphemy=Taking the Lord’s name in a vain attempt to score cheap political points with morons.
[re=474955]finallyhappy[/re]: Doesn’t count if you weren’t witnessed to about Jesus. Doesn’t count AT ALL.
[re=474835]JMP[/re]: “Yes, it’s very important for Congress to express disapproval of something that does not exist.”…….This is such a good point. The teabaggers, the birthers, the gun-nuts, and the just plain ol’ right-wing morons are out there getting themselves all riled up about SHIT THAT AIN’T REAL. The war on christmas, death panels, FEMA re-education camps, the “liberal media”, kenyan birth certificates, global warming is a hoax, euthanizing old folks, liberal boogey-men plotting to take away all our guns. And our muslim president scheduling an address just to fuck with the people who wanted to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas”. I heard a couple of guys this summer talking about how “they” want to destroy “the family”. By “they” I assume they meant “us”. I can’t speak for everyone, but I personally have no interest in destroying anyone’s family. In fact, even though I’m a progressive/liberal/anti-republican/whatever, I actually HAVE a family, and was not, in fact, hatched from an egg or anything…….I just don’t see how we can move forward as a country when, to such a large portion of our fellow Americans, little things like “facts” and “the truth” are completely irrelevant, and anything that contradicts their beliefs is dismissed as “liberal propaganda”.
Hey Bonehead. Read this!
“Hear ye the word which the Lord speaketh unto you, O house of Israel: Thus saith the Lord, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not.”
Jeremiah 10:1-4
Yer just trying to turn us into a bunch of heathens, you tree worshiping Druid!
:
Jesus Christ what is wrong with these people? I mean, if two Christians who know each other see each other (say John Boehner and Joe Wilson), they can say “Merry CHRISTmas” to their heart’s content. If Barney Frank runs into Rahm Emanuel, they might go with “Happy Hannukah.” If Keith Ellison sees Barack Obama, they can say “Happy Eid Mubarack”. But when you run into a stranger on the street and their preferred holiday isn’t obvious, isn’t it much more polite to say “Happy Holidays”? How would John Boehner respond to someone telling him “Happy Eid Mubarack”?
Here in LincolnLand, there are no fewer than 4 radio stations playing Christmas music in heavy rotation, 2 doing nothing but this sappy crap for the next 16 days. That, plus the 3 stations that carry Rush Limpballs simultaneously and the overtly Christian broadcasting corporation, has finally made me see how people can think there’s a war on Christmas. I’m sure that it would shock the shit out of people out here to know that there’s anywhere/anyone who thinks it is stupid to spend all of December mooning over Hallmark ideas of family togetherness and bastardized pagan renewal ceremonies in the name of a Jewish cult leader who lived in Palestine and would find snowflakes and Santa claus utterly terrifying.
(4)Prohibit shopping at Wal-Mart until we pay our Red Chinese shopping bill,unless this causes undue hardship on the Holy Spirit of Capitalism.
These patriotic religious cretins have heart palpitations when a fellow citizen doesn’t utter the magic words, “Merry Christmas”, but they’re fine with paying Chinese communists to manufacture nativity scenes and other Christmas crap for them.
The problem is some retailers are not commercializing the birth of their lord and savior enough by mentioning his name (Jesus or whatever). Which would cause them to buy cheap crap made by communist Chinese atheists.
One the Christmas traditions the bitters enjoy is singing, “Throw the Socialist Jew Down A Well” while gagging their mistress. I therefore rise in support of this resolution.
If God is all knowing, all seeing, all creating then he can’t be mocked, Fucktards.
“Oh yeah, I saw some people on the street corner today, mocking the size of the universe, can you imagine?”
Jesus, people. Take your terribly and painfully uncertain belief structure and get it the fuck out of the rest of our faces.
Sorry, the snark is out of reach today. Only have anger. For that I apologize to this wonderful community, who (along with the 20% case discount on wine at the merchant up by the old oil tank farm) have been responsible for my retaining my sanity.
That clown is not holding a giant cartoon bomb, it is a Republican ass bead. I’m sure Boehner can easily fit an entire string of them up his own rectum.
Boehner’s addition to our holiday Christian traditions: the color Burnt Orange a la Leather Face.
There. I said it, Mr. ACLU. Sue me.
Sans yuletide chainsaw:
http://seeker401.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/060208_boehner_vmed_10a_widec.jpg
Nice tie.
If Thomas Jefferson were living today
he’d be rolling around in his grave (w/ apologies to Randy Newman)
1 [re=475268]sezme[/re]: Yes. Thomas Jefferson would most likely go full on apeshit on most of these people.
2. You have to stop and think; how fragile is someone’s belief system if they need to constantly reaffirm their belief by passing laws and attacking science.
I wish I had some funny to bring, but really, this is all just very sad.
If they lived in Quebec and were forced to listen to Celine Dion’s christmas album at every store like I do, they’d turn around on this whole “war” thing and point their nukes directly at Jerusalem, believe me.
You mean to tell me he sees now irony in including the First Amendement at the front of this bill after what follows that?
My God, My God! Why have you forsaken us?
SOLI INVICTO! Happy Brumalia/Saturnalia, y’all!
What about the Orthodox Christmas, a couple weeks later?
How come they don’t mention that Christmas was first decreed by the Roman Emperor Constantine (who thought Christ was a sun-god) and was abolished by Baptist dictator Oliver Cromwell? Then re-instated by Charles II of England, the “Merry Monarch”, rumored to have a pr*ck bigger than his scepter?
Maybe next they should re-instate May Day, and urge everyone to go out into the woods and screw!
[re=474867]thefrontpage[/re]: If you can donate gazillions of dollars to their election campaigns, they might listen to you.
[re=474875]TGY[/re]: I used to listen to BBC via Shortwave, but then some subgenius administrator in London decided that real men didn’t listen to Shortwave, so the broadcast to the US was cut off, over much protest. For a while, you could still get the broadcast to the Caribbean, but I believe that’s gone, too. You must use their website, http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/ . It’s modern! Although the buffering is not an improvement on the occasional static in the old-fashioned shortwave.
[re=474887]proudgrampa[/re]: State legislatures are even worse. Ohio once passed a resolution announcing a state fossil: a particular species of trilobite!
If Boehner has it his way, when little Baby Jeebus comes to earth, he’ll probably be born in a manger. Suck it, uninsured.
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