Well well well! Well. Well. Well. HMM. John Edwards has arrived in Haiti to do relief work. He is perhaps the only person on Earth right now who can volunteer to bring doctors, food, and supplies to dying Haitians and become more of a monstrous asshole by doing so.
Kidding here? Is he kidding us with another of his many hilarious jokes? Couldn’t he at least have gone to Haiti a few days before he e-mailed out his latest embarrassing, pathetic press release? He’s obviously not going to help anyone, during this comically transparent PR gig. (Unless impregnating every woman in Haiti is considered help.) (It’s not.)
Maybe every now and then John Edwards says or does something that isn’t a lie or a farce, but we wouldn’t put money on it. Remember how he tried to run as the Democrat who cared so deeply about urban poverty that he just… he just couldn’t quit! He had to save the people! He had to launch his campaign in the Lower Ninth Ward. He just had to be there. He had to help those people. And he had to be there again when he finally dropped out. Remember? He told the media not to follow him as he strolled privately down the streets of the Lower Ninth Ward, to just be with the people, man, the people, before giving his concession speech. The media obeyed. Does anyone know how many babies were born in the Lower Ninth Ward nine months later? It’s worth looking into.
THE CRUSADER OF POVERTY.
After he dropped out, he would not endorse either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton for months because, according to his own anonymous leaks, he DEMANDED in return that his pick add more platform planks for POVERTY. Political pressure meant nothing to him! He was a fighter for the poor, the impoverished, and he could not lend his Moral Authority to any candidate who cared so little about the poor, unlike John Edwards.
He sought nothing for himself.
…Wait, WHAT?
Now, with the results of Iowa in, Edwards determined it was time to make the deal. A little while before taking the stage to deliver his concession speech, he summoned Hindery to his hotel suite and issued a directive: “Get ahold of Tom.”
Hindery considered the timing miserable. Obama just frickin’ won Iowa, he thought. Give him a chance to savor it. But Edwards wanted to set the wheels in motion—immediately.
Hindery left the Edwards suite and tried frantically to locate Daschle, but discovered that he wasn’t in Iowa. Calls were placed. Messages were left. No one knew where he was.
As Edwards delivered his speech, Hindery stood to his right, until an aide alerted him that Daschle was on the phone. Hindery stepped offstage and took the call, straining to hear Daschle over the noise of the crowd. “Tom? I’ve got John right here,” Hindery said. “You aren’t going to believe this, but he’s willing to cut a deal right now. He’ll agree to be Barack’s V.P.”
“Are you sure you want to do this now?” a dumbfounded Daschle asked.
“I’m not, but he is,” Hindery replied.
All right, Daschle said. I’ll take it to Barack.
But with the victory in Iowa now gusting at his back, Obama rejected the entreaty out of hand. Convinced along with his advisers that he was all but certain to win the New Hampshire primary five days later, he was poised to plunge the dagger into Hillary all by himself.
Clinton’s astonishing comeback in New Hampshire put an end to Obama’s hopes of a quick finish to the nomination contest—and led Edwards to believe that there was still an opening to strike a bargain. On the eve of the South Carolina primary two weeks later, he again dispatched Hindery to make a revised offer, this time a trade for Edwards’s endorsement.
“John will settle for attorney general,” Hindery e-mailed Daschle.
Daschle shook his head. How desperate is this guy?
“Leo, this isn’t good for John,” Daschle replied. “This is ridiculous. It’s going to be ambassador to Zimbabwe next.”
When Obama heard about the suggested quid pro quo, he was incredulous. That’s crazy, he told Axelrod. If I were willing to make a deal like that, I shouldn’t be president!
And this is why John Edwards will save Haiti by sunset, the end.
John Edwards goes to Haiti [CBS]
Edwards: The most damning excerpt [Al Giordano/The Field]
{ 68 comments }
I have to say, I love your use of side-by-side parentheticals.
John Edwards is going to Haiti because in the long tradition of Southern white men, he wants to walk on the wild side and father a little mulatto child. There ought to be plenty of women who will be willing to pork him — he’s bringing along a suitcase full of cheeseburgers.
Haitians are fucking cursed.
@CaliforniaMike
God bless mulattos.
He should have gotten a vasectomy by now.
Did anyone really expect anything different from a guy
who made his millions chasing ambulanceswho’s the simple son of a mill worker?I hope Edwards is going to Haiti to let his mouth serve as a toilet (Porta-John!), because apparently they need them down there.
Is he bringing his hair stylist along too? Just because there’s been a disaster of biblical proportions dropped on the country doesn’t mean people need to suffer with a bad hair too
An endorsement is a fucking valuable thing, you just don’t give it away for nothing.
“Today, under Barack Obama, there are two Hispaniolas, not one.
One Hispaniola that has resorts, another that has rubble. One Hispaniola that plays baseball, another Hispaniola that kicks inflated goat bladders with its feet. One Hispaniola that…aww, fuck it!
Where da white women at?”
Edwards is a shameless attention whore.
Of course, the old joke about whores applies: men don’t pay whores for sex, they pay whores to leave after sex.
Oh, outstanding. Later tonight when I drive from my rural Unabomber-style shack back to civilization past the 1,000,000 sq ft Taj Mahasshole I can be certain our local shitstain isn’t at home. I’ll look forward to that.
So, who’s watching the kid? Christ and all his holy apostles, I hope that it’s not the crazy woman. She’ll be feeding it uppers instead of Cheerios by now.
“Just stand there and look pretty,
John.Scott.John.”HAHAHA! Edwards was like a Southern Blago! Like Obama and Emmanuel hadn’t seen that kind of political bullshit before!
You are a pathetic twunt, Edwards. Do everyone a favor and get a screaming case of malignant malaria in Haiti before you make more babies.
I still like him so, whatever.
I would respect him if he followed John Profumo’s example. After Profumo’s scandal, he spent the rest of his life cleaning toilets in an orphanage as penance.
Needs more Kanye
Hey, it’s not like he didn’t warn us. The son of every millworker I’ve ever met in my life has been a poon hound, too.
Maybe he’s going down there to find the deepest, darkest, dankest void in the bottom of the biggest rubble pile in Petionville, curl up into the fetal position, thumb firmly tucked in mouth, and rock back and forth until he just dies.
Edwards is just there to help the Haitians find a loophole out of that contract with Satan.
I hope he packed his stonewashed jeans with the little holes and tears manufactured into them. That will help him blend in better in Haiti.
My bet is that he’ll wander on screen tonight while Anderson Cooper and Sanjay Gupta are carrying lil’ dying chillen to the hacksaw station.
Hide the women.
Hide the sheep.
Hide the boys.
Cuz John’s a creep.
[re=499011]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Riele, is that you?
[re=498993]CaliforniaMike[/re]: Two words- Brown Sugar
(I hear it tastes real good)
[re=498999]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I guess I’m cynical, but it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s going down there to lend his scurrilous talents to the people of Haiti. There’s always someone to sue after a disaster and John has to make a buck.
[re=499026]Hooray For Anything[/re]:
You’ve only “heard”? Pfff.
Check back in 9 months…..a few mulatto babies will be looking to be adopted.,
My Special Lady Friend did campaign work in Iowa in 2004. She told me that she met Edwards and that he looked at her boobs in a not-very-circumspect manner.
True story.
[re=499030]SmutBoffin[/re]: Well for fucks sake, some men are just fucking susceptible to boob hypnosis. I hear “I’m up here” 20 times a day. I even stare at my wife’s boobs, its that powerful.
Can’t we just call him Johnny Millseed, who goes from place to place spreading Mill babies everywhere?
Drivin away evul speerits — Haiti, ur doin it rong.
[re=499030]SmutBoffin[/re]:
Maybe your special lady friend has a really nice pair. I do my best to keep eye contact with women, but once in a while you gotta look.
But seriously, Johnny Mill has some serious mommy issues.
[re=499035]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Thanks for the image of John Edwards spreading his seed. Ew,
[re=499030]SmutBoffin[/re]: [re=499032]Prommie[/re]: It all makes sense now.
[re=499027]Gopherit[/re]: Don’t Haiti the player, Haiti the game.
[re=499044]Gopherit[/re]:
Hey, just paying it forward. Since hanging around here, the theater of my mind has been destroyed, bombed and brain bleached on a regular basis from the commenters.
[re=499032]Prommie[/re]: Well, there’s looking and then there’s loooooking. Ya know? She’s pretty stoic about it, though, having worked in politics for so long.
[re=499043]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Heh, being an ass-man helps in these situations. And it also moves you to be very polite (“After you, ma’am…”).
[re=499032]Prommie[/re]: Quick story, we had this redneck party last summer and like 15 wimmenz had temporary tats on their tatas. It was great — free license to, er, admire their thingies.
But I am an ass-man, it has advantages: ogling from behind, you avoid the potential of sexual harassment suits and ambulance/skirt chasing legal goons like Edwardo.
[re=499032]Prommie[/re]: Totes understand you, bro. I stare at your wife’s boobs alla time, too.
[re=499027]Gopherit[/re]: It’s probably a good fit.
New York magazine had a interesting article about John Edwards and his lovely wife:
http://nymag.com/news/politics/63045/
They really deserve one another.
Click here for Mrs. Brown in the Digney Fignus video. But only if you can sit through/ignore a minute or two of boring amateur VeeJay cuing it up for you, and lousy video quality. And typical 80′s pop, with typical 80′s pop video themes.
In other words, don’t waste your time.
Mrs. Brown is pretty cute in the same way her shorter daughter is.
I have it on good authority that Edwards is the son of a Haitian sugarcane press operator, so obvs this is just him getting back to his roots. Or getting his root on. One or the other.
From the picture painted of his wife, and how things must be for him at home after this latest admission, I can’t blame him for looking for any excuse he can to get out of the house, post earthquake Haiti must seem like a garden of tranquility compared to his current home life.
“Former presidential candidate John Edwards, in the news today for his admission that he was the father of Rielle Hunter’s daughter.”
well, so glad to hear he found a way to past tense his way out of any responsibility.
[re=499018]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: ha ha ha! I lollied at this.
[re=499089]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: That whole family has a problem keeping its clothes on.
Republicans. Where family values are for “other people.”
Lucky for John, the earthquake struck with the right amount of devestation, and not a moment too soon.
This is of course good news for John McCain.
This reminds me of a wingnut comment thread I read berating Giuliani for his affair(s). Same for McCain, Gingrich, Sanborn, Vitter, and Sessions. Their careers were ruined, also!
[re=499089]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: If you’re looking for a version of the “V” minus the two minutes of boring “J”—though with HuffPo’s take on the Huff ho instead—I linked to it earlier HERE.
Unfortunately, I think both musical and picture quality remains about the same.
Also, Digney Fignus’ (of the Boston, Massachusetts, Fignuses) website is somewhat worth a cursory perusal for any underemployed masochists among us.
Okay whoa whoa whoa, wait wait wait — just now glimpsed that headline: “White House Silent”?!! The fuck? Barry X has time, or is somehow called upon, to comment on John Edwards’s, er, comings and goings? gaaggh?
I think LongJohn’s wife, St. Elizabeth, said it best, in this line from the linked news report:
“He’s been doing work outside of this country where his errors in judgment don’t have any bearing on work,” she said.
One might wish he would stay there forever and ever, but haven’t the Haitians suffered enough already?
Edwards won’t be alone; Clinton will be selling whitewater baby wipes and Bush will bring a truck filled with frat party, Jack ‘n Coke.
[re=499127]Extemporanus[/re]: I know you linked to earlier, but my link *actually works.*
(Yours on the other hand? Eh, notsomuch.)
There is not a humanitarian crisis on this fair planet that cannot be improved by the selfless application of John Edward’s penis.
Still he will definitely end up fucking Anya.
So wait he told Obama about the crazee fucking and baby making though, right? And Barack was good with it, because whatever the fuck, amirite?
Any chance he’ll be taking Tiger along as his wing man?
Here is John’s adorable love-child with her mom. Humanitarian attorney John Edwards Edwards asked his aide, Andrew Young, to steal her dirty diapers to to conduct a DNA test find out if John was the father. Whadda guy!
Those poor Haitians just can’t catch a break.
Will someone please tell him to send money and not bother showing up there?
His political career died months ago. Someone forgot to tell him.
Is Edwards a creep, or what?
[re=499158]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Gahhhjesusgoddamfuck!
That “innovative” green-ass Tron car site takeover fucked up my link more than I realized!
Also, I really didn’t mean for my comment to come across as bigfooting douche-y as it did, but upon a re-read, I realize that it kinda does.
Apologies, my ur-human amigo, are in order and on offer.
John “wanderin’ nutz” Edwards will be traveling with his personal overpriced hairdresser & treating Haitins to a new coif to help jump start their recovery.
Have you seen pictures of his trollop?
Rielle Hunter = Bleached Haitian
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[re=499398]sophiegreen[/re]: You suck ass!
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Maybe every now and then John Edwards says or does something that isn’t a lie or a farce, but we wouldn’t put money on it. Remember how he tried to run as the Democrat who cared so deeply about urban poverty that he just… he just couldn’t quit! He had to save the people!
reverse phone detective
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