This is the week that LeBron has made, let us rejoice and be glad! America’s favorite Black Athlete-Jesus has elected himself Emperor of Miami, which will surely make Elian Gonzalez regret returning home to the Bay of Pigs. But what of our Black President-Jesus? How did he fare this week? Was he given shiny billions of dollars to leave the dowdy, depressed, but weirdly cool city of Cleveland, where his only friend was Harvey Pekar? Haha, no, you have mistaken Barack Obama for LeBron James, the man of whom I spoke in the lede to this Pulitzer Prize-winning column. These are two different black persons.
We turn now to my very favorite YouPorn film, West Wing Week. If it were not for this enchanting series, I would not know every element of Barack Obama’s schedule, and I would be both vexed and flummoxed, and possibly even kerfluffled.
Last Friday, in keeping with Afro-American tradition, Barry kicked off his weekend by attending the funeral of an ex-Klansman. He gave a stirring eulogy in which he fondly remembered all the times Senator Robert Byrd had called him Toby.
West Wing Week is silent on the subject of Barry’s Saturday activities, which means he is cheating on Michelle, with a Real Housewife.
On Sunday, he celebrated his kid’s birthday and had a ginormous barbecue on the South Lawn of the White House. The ghost of Robert Byrd appeared and demanded a mint julep and fresh horses, for to traverse the mountain road and go down to the holler to fetch an escaped slave-mistress. When no one was looking, Michelle kicked him in the wrinkly ghost-balls. Poof! He disappeared, off to the Great Beyond, where he will spend an eternity explaining why he wrote things like, “Rather I should die a thousand times, and see old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels.” Huzzah!
Monday is Funday at the White House, which is why West Wing Week again mysteriously fails to give a rundown of our chief executive’s activities. Every Funday, Obama gets together with Rahm Emanuel to shoot fish in barrels and then throw the bullet-riddled bodies of the dead fish at elderly nuns. “Your Christ can’t save you now!” they scream, in between the abortions they are always performing on local tweens.
On Tuesday, Barack let Benjamin Netanyahu visit his house, so that he could give him several more billions of dollars for that giant U.S. military outpost, “Israel.” Barack tried to find Rahm so that they could tell Bibi about all the fish and fetuses they’d killed on Funday, but Rahm was busy taking a casual shit in the Lincoln Bedroom and daydreaming about all the arabesques and plies he’s gonna do in his future office as Chicago Mayor-for-Life.
Wednesday Obama talked about exports, and how we export them. Our best American exports are sloth, shitty food, weapons, idiocy, doom, and Kardashians.
Something happened Thursday, but I cannot remember, as I spent Thursday reading Sappho.
Now it is Friday, a day I shall honor by sending David Vitter a jumbo pack of diapers, finally answering an email from Lauri Apple and then tweeting at Jack Stuef, Josh Fruhlinger, and Ken Layne. And of course, I’ll be saving up all my energy to tackle the single greatest piece of literature ever created in America, meaning, whatever Maureen Dowd half-asses on Sunday. Enjoy your weekend, Children of the Partially Hydrogenated Corn Syrup.
Sara Benincasa has a side business promoting people’s personal Twitter feeds. Ask her about it, her rates are surprisingly reasonable!
{ 72 comments }
I always thought “kerfuffle” was a noun, not a verb, and with only one “L”. Kids these days, sheesh.
Every Funday, Obama gets together with Rahm Emanuel to shoot fish in barrels and then throw the bullet-riddled bodies of the dead fish at elderly nuns. “Your Christ can’t save you now!” they scream, in between the abortions they are always performing on local tweens.</i?
That sounds like fun. I wish they’d invite me one week.
Bravo Sara. My Friday is complete.
I only read your posts because your redheaded pic is so beguiling. What is this all about again?
What’s odd is that it was a three-story tall Robert Byrd apparition, and Barry and Michelle threw rocks at it but nothing happened until Glenn Beck rolled a scroll that said “I have a dream” and Byrd disappeared without even finishing his stirrup-cup.
Be careful, with our current amazing media someone at the Post might read this and think Obama really is having an affair with one of the Real Housewives of Northern Virginia, and soon the rumor will be all over the place.
[re=614684]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: I’ve only ever heard kerfuffle used by Canadians. They control its use and you know they’re too polite to correct Sara.
If you really can’t remember what happened on Thursday, you can’t go wrong by simply saying that Michael Steele, Michele Bachmann and, of course, Sarah Palin, all said something incredibly assinine, lame or inane.
Regards LeBron, can you say collusion? Very good, I knew you could. When that investigation reports about the players forming a super team in Miami there will be a hell of a kerfuffle [re=614684]Baldar T Flagass[/re].
Speaking of kerfuffles, we shall be going the the Yankers-Mariners game tonight. Will Cliff Lee be pitching with an Ms cap or in MFY pinstripes?
Wait, isn’t President/Asst. Manager Barry a race-mongrel?
Sara, as a woman and a renowned Blingee artist, it’s obvious that your understanding of geopolitics would be limited. (Remember when Don Reagan said chicks don’t care about throw weight, etc? Good times in the Reagan Era!) “Israel” is not a US military outpost, cuz they won’t let us use their country as a handy launching pad for our numerous Mid-East adventures. Israel is more properly characterized as a “client state.” Or maybe we’re the client; sometimes it’s hard to tell. You might have been thinking of Qatar, which is always pleasant.
In addition to vexed, flummoxed, and possibly even kerfluffled, could you possibly be gobsmacked as well? One hears it’s quite enjoyable.
[re=614693]SayItWithWookies[/re]: well that explains it then.
Sappho has been pulling her films off of youtube lately.
[re=614696]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: My Jewish girlfriend and her immediate family used it a lot, but they were escape-to-Texas refugees from Buffalo, which I guess is part of Canada or would probably like to be nowadays, so they musta stole it.
You have magnificent boobies, Benincasa, and they are very photogenic in the youporn videos. They make me retarded.
I would put Porn ahead of Kardashians of US AMercuh’s greatest exports.
At least porn is useful.
Mmmmmm…kerfluffles.
I can think of a use for Kardashians. Maybe more than one, depending on which devices I am permitted to employ. Could we export Beck and Hannity instead.
Sara, how do you feel about bigamy? My wife and I would like to know. (Okay, my wife doesn’t know my plans yet but I’m sure she’ll like you very much.)
[re=614702]weejee[/re]: Well, there certainly would have been quite a foofaraw if Lebron had come on down and joined our aging but still-locally-loved Spurs.
Just checked with my patent lawyer.
the Miami Heat is now LeBronchitis Fever™
I would happily pay you beaucoup hobo beans to promote my twitter, but I do not have a twitter. I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s only a matter of time before The Twitter becomes self-aware and starts gobbling human souls(and babies!) in a fiendish, blood orgy.
Ha ha, Sara says in her little video, “After eating pussy, I felt like I had a PhD in Womens’ Studies.” Me too! Many of them!
Damn! Forget the French maid costumes; I want Sara to do her Michelle Bachmann impersonation some night for me!
One correction: The Kardashians are not “exports”. They are PsyOps weapons designed for deployment in the Middle East theater (Operation Sharia Sexytime). Unfortunately, they were accidentally detonated on our shores and have begun to reverse the Flynn effect much faster than expected. I must return to my secure location. End Transmission.
[re=614711]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You know, that (export porn) is an interesting topic. I’ve seen a little Japanese porn (Ew!) and plenty of the homegrown variety. But is there Italian porn? German porn? Irish porn? Argentine porn? Makes your head hurt to think of the possibilities.
Hey, aren’t you that lady who knows that “Medium Large” guy?
you spent a WHOLE DAY reading sappho? what is that, 37 fragmentary lines? are you dyslexic (severely)? did you read it in the greek, learning greek and translating as you went? sheesh, i mean — a WHOLE DAY?
actually, i’m now in serious intellectual and literary love with you, as i read sappho — all of it — just last weekend. it did not take a whole day, but it could have taken a week if it weren’t for the asshole christians who burned every scrap of her work they could find back in the bad old days, leaving us now with nothing but fragments to mourn over while we slam back our bathtub gin.
Sara, you intimidate and frighten me. You are far more woman that I can handle.
Which is not saying much, but still.
Thought you would like to know.
[re=614710]Prommie[/re]:
The retardation thing, this is new?
“Barack tried to find Rahm so that they could tell Bibi about all the fish and fetuses they’d killed on Funday, but Rahm was busy taking a casual shit in the Lincoln Bedroom and daydreaming about all the arabesques and plies he’s gonna do in his future office as Chicago Mayor-for-Life.”
Darling you are made of win.
[re=614706]V572625694[/re]: “Gobsmacked” is enjoyable? Thats balderdash. Whoever told you that was enjoyable hornswoggled you. Were you going at the slumgullion when you fell for that? What you want to be is just completely flabbergasted. In fact, Benincasa’s bounteous and enchanting decollatage has me utterly flabbergasted just now, and more than a little turgid.
[re=614740]V572625694[/re]: I was once stricken with the grippe while staying at the Excelsior, on the Lido, and the porn channels, they would play for some 10 seconds or so, before being scrambled, so I spent the days compulsively switching channels, watching Italian porn, 10 seconds at a time, and I must say, they do it quite well, and have no need for our Kardashians and Stormy Danielses.
I really wish they hadn’t replaced Jed Bartlett with the New Darren…
[re=614766]Prommie[/re]: Don’t interrupt my fap-fest with your linquistic cavils, you bounder! If there were anything more sexually provocative than a young brown-eyed redhead with freckles (and ample boobosity, of course), it would have to be a funny young BE RH w/freckles’n'boobs.
Wait, I’m getting confused. Is Barry a Black Radical Liberationist Revolutionary, or a Klan Member?
And when will Glen Beck re-write history to make up my mind for me?
[re=614778]V572625694[/re]: take a cold shower, guys.
your head is on fire.
[re=614786]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: He’s worse than all that, he’s a community organizer! Acorn, Acorn, be very afraid!
Last Friday, in keeping with Afro-American tradition, Barry kicked off his weekend by attending the funeral of an ex-Klansman.
Ahhahahahaha I will be laughing at that all day.
[re=614786]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Wait, I’m getting confused. Is Barry a Black Radical Liberationist Revolutionary, or a Klan Member?
Barry X’s black half is racist muslim socialist babykiller. The white part is liberal fascist hitler kkk harvard ACORN.
So it all fits.
Dear Sara,
Any chance you saved the bathwater after the Amanda Palmer interview? I know someone – let’s just call them “a friend” – who would pay top dollar for it.
Unless of course you think that would be, you know, “weird.”
[re=614796]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]: He is a shibboleth. Hundreds of years from now, mothers will be telling their their children “be good, or Barack OBama is gonna get you.”
In a list that includes “sloth, shitty food, weapons, idiocy, and doom”, the addition of “Kardashians” is utterly redundant.
Speaking of [re=614737]which[/re]: O-kaayyy Armenia, we fucking get it already! You were genocided to death by the fucking Futon Empire, or whatever. It sucked. Hard.
But look here, you early-adopting Christ-tards — 44 of our 50 United States have already taken full fucking responsibility for cave-raping the low-rent, telethon-loving shit out of you. If President Hussein Obamar promises to apologize on behalf of his Muslin ancestors for the 13 Real American states that haven’t, will you please, please, pretty pleeease with t’tu lavash on top end this senseless campaign of asymmetrical, reality show-waged warfare?
I mean, c’monnn! Wasn’t helping win O.J.’s acquittal enough for you people? Must you continue to subject us, your supposed fucking allies, to “Pepé Le Pewsian’s” unholy-spawned, ample-assed, demon-whore STD-bombers as well?!
How ’bout we exile Bruce Jenner to Instanbul? Then will you call this shit even?
[re=614804]Extemporanus[/re]: In my youth, whenever I failed to finish my dinner, I was told that I had to finish my plate, because of the starving Armenians.
[re=614804]Extemporanus[/re]: You slay me bro’.
[re=614692]Gorillionaire[/re]: The tragic truth is that I am a brunette now. Thank you for visiting only to look at a photograph of me from 2008.
[re=614684]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: I am reinventing the language, in the manner of a code-switching Black Person.
[re=614706]V572625694[/re]: I meant that Israel essentially does all the shit our gov’t wants to do, such as oppressing Palestinian babies and getting all the medieval idiots in the region hoppin’ mad. And yet they think their country is their own! It is magic, like telling a man that his Subway franchise is “owner-operated.” Hooray! I’m racist.
[re=614754]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Yes, we lived together for a few years.
[re=614841]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Still hawt. That is all.
[re=614703]Swattie Swat[/re]: Thus explaining Byrd’s death. Now he only has 999 more times to go.
Cleveland analysis FAIL: Harvey Pekar has no friends.
I demand Sara Benincasa’s hand in marriage.
[re=614884]BarackMyWorld[/re]: You can have the hand, I’ll take the other parts in lust.
This slippery little gem tried to sneak right by me. Now that I haz redd it, let me say this:
Ay, yo, Benihana. What’s really good, ma? I just got back from a wine-tasting and now I am druuuuiuuunk. I swallowed cuz i went to Catholic school, (winkwinkbelch) What sounds like the perfect capper to my eveling is whipping out my “waterwings” (guess what that’s code for winkwink), hopping into a sudsy Calgon-filled tub wiff you, maybe do some light motorboating, and then floating away to the Isle of Lesbos (wink)
Or I may just pass out, but that’s no reflection on you.
[re=614740]V572625694[/re]: I cannot comment on all nationalities, but “German porn” == “late-nite German TV”. Similar for “Danish porn” and “Dutch porn”. “French porn”, strangely, is “occasional late-nite TV”, possibly because you’re expected to hunt your own. “English porn” is, of course, a contradiction in terms (not really, but I suspect most English porn is filmed in Orange County).
Japanese porn used to be unusual because it was pretty abrupt, but there were no, how you say, plumbing shots. That taboo is now largely gone, but shaving hasn’t caught on yet.
Wait. Was that more than you were asking? Nevermind.
And, as a completely pointless exercise in alt-spelling, it’s “kerfuffle”, unless you are compounding a new alt-word that combines low-impact controversy with blow-jobs.
[re=614846]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Well, yes. Israel is an American Colony/The defacto 51st State. Surprised that so few people realize this. Even so, until every Sheik sets up every Palestinean with a house and a fat bankroll, Israel will have the moral high-ground over its neighbors. The geo-political term for this is a “mixed bag.”
So now I’m really confused…what country does the midget porn come from? Or, rather, from which country comes the midget porn? I was a lit major…I should know better. Matter of fact, I’m a bit lit now. BTW: quit changing hair color Sara; it confuses me.
[re=614804]Extemporanus[/re]: Can I have your children?
Sara, you had me at “I think I should share with you . . . I’ve eaten pussy.”
To condone for the hatred and obliquy I have provoked in here (albeit, in the Interests of Science), I am establishing a charitable 503(c)(3) entity to solicit contributions to have Ms. Benincase’s immortal words carved into granite (pink, of course) on a public memorial located in Our Nation’s capital.
Ideally, with several appropriate bais reliefs. And possibly some Sappho, e.g.:
… E?’lðe, Ku’pri,
Xprusi’asin e?n kuli’kessin a?’brais
summemigme’non ðali’aisi ne’ktar
oi?noxo’eisa.
[Come hither foam-born Cyprian goddess, come,
And in golden goblets pour richest nectar
All mixed in most ethereal perfection,
Thus to delight us.]
Contributions (cash, gold, ammunition and/or pharmaceuticals only, please) may be sent to:
Neilist
Director of Solicitations and Detonations
Benincasa Memorial Foundation
That Unmarked Rental Storage Area
Right Around The Corner From That Unprotected National Guard Armory
Near You
ra[re=614843]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Sara, I am a fan, but today’s column was not one of your best efforts. I hope this is just a momentary lapse in comedic genius, and not the beginning of a long decline into public ignominy, like Mel Gibson.
[re=614843]Sara Benincasa[/re]: Sara, I am a fan, but today’s column was not one of your best efforts. I hope this is just a momentary lapse in comedic genius, and not the beginning of a long decline into public ignominy, like Mel Gibson.
[re=615011]Aurelio[/re]:
Sara, I will kill Aurelio for you.
And you only have to let me watch you “Chew the Loofa.”
(Sorry, Aurelio. Someone has to make the sacrifice, and I elected you.)
[re=614804]Extemporanus[/re]: “In a list that includes “sloth, shitty food, weapons, idiocy, and doom”, the addition of ‘Kardashians’ is utterly redundant.”
One of the local ranges at which I occasionally — LAX in Manchester, near LAX airport — was all in atwitter one day because the Ks were in filming an episode for their reality show.
I refrained from the obvious observations — “Porky, Whorish, Half-Iranian Spawn Of Crooked Dead Lawyer” — with the only with the greatest difficulty.
Also, I had to requalify that day, and didn’t want to go anyplace else.
The K Girls remind me of Bar Crusing in the late 1980s: The Near-Overweight Dark-Haired Gal At The End Of The Bar With The Big Nose And Bad Eyebrows, But Who Isn’t Jewish Because Her Father/Uncle Is A Former Colonel In SAVAK.
Good times, good times.
[re=615022]Neilist[/re]: You must have gone cruising in Westwood. Oh wait, that’s Jewish..nevermind.
[re=615023]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]: What is this “Westwood” of which you speak, young OhCrap?
Do you mean “IrAngeles”? Or possibly “TehrAngeles”?
Tasty food. And people who are even more interested in nuking Iran than I am.
(Nothing religious. I just want to see the fireworks.)
[re=614841]Sara Benincasa[/re]: So once a week, I gaze upon an outdated photo of you, imagine you as you never were and never will be, and touch myself in secret places, and then mop myself dry and cry myself to sleep.
This makes you different from my high school girlfriend how, exactly?
Shit, did I say that out loud?
[re=615024]Neilist[/re]: Yeah that’s it. Speaking of nuking Iran, I did feel bad for the small huddles of protesters (of the .ir elections) on June 29 ’09. Michael Jackson died and spared .ir of all that wrath.
[re=615054]OhCrapIHaveACrushOnSarahPalin[/re]: ALL Iranians should be NUKED for REFUSING to have the sort of full, fair and free elections that are ROUTINE In Israel (to the extent that only about 1/2 of the demographic within the land that Israel controls is allowed to vote); and which were ROUTINE in South Africa back when Israel was selling it nuclear weapons technology . . . FOR FREEDOM!
Lt. General Neilist, U.S.A.F.
The War Room
Right in Front Of The Big Board
Burpleson A.F.B.
“Piece Is Our Profession!”
[re=614847]Sara Benincasa[/re]: You are my new favorite fake lesbian.
[re=615082]facehead[/re]: It is an honor, and a privilege. I will tell my boyfriend.
[re=614983]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]: I’m gonna keep “Bright Eyes”, Bonnie, but the rest are all yours…
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