The fate of our democracy hinges on the life of a single man: Levi Johnston. AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON that we follow him closely. There may be other issues that are more interesting to cover, but we have a duty to blog about Levi Johnston and the sex he may or may not be having, even though it is boring. And thus, we must tell you that Levi Johnston is “one of three possible fathers” of the baby that now resides in his ex-girlfriend Lanesia Garcia. The stock markets are fluctuating wildly on word of this important news.
As Congress is plagued by partisan gridlock, our hero Levi Johnston GETS STUFF DONE. Enough said.
But of course, isn’t it convenient that this Levi news comes just as Peter Orszag is having a Politico photographer snap shots of him packing up boxes in his office? There is an opening over at the budget office! Levi meets the media’s requirements for this position, as Orszag was known for having lots of sex and having an ex-girlfriend be pregnant with a baby of his even though he is engaged to another lady. That, and wearing a toupee. WAIT, IS LEVI SECRETLY BALD TOO?
Anyway, hurry up and confirm Levi to the OMB post, Congress. Do you want that radical ELIZABETH WARREN doing that job? Hmm? Do you? [Radar]
{ 97 comments }
I have it on good authority that Mustardman is the father.
Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick. Did anyone ever teach Levi about keeping his Johnston in his pants???
Do we know if Lanesia Garcia is part of the extended Palin clan? They’re a fertile bunch over there…
Jesus God, man, all that work for the gays and you still don’t know what a rubber is?
It’s like the beginning of “Idiocracy” all over again…
“Like retarded sand through the hourglass, so are the days of our griftery-lives.”
Is that “toupee” picture of Peter Orszag real? Good grief.
[re=629103]Bearbloke[/re]: She sounds Mexican. Check that baby’s papers!
Apparently Ms. Garcia is unsure which studly moose-killer from Wascilla is the baby daddy. I guess there’s no much else to do in Grifterville but smoke meth and do the nasty.
Do they use a random-letter generator to create names in Alaska? Lanesia?!?
Garcia? Jesus. Wait until the snowbilly finds out her daughter’s intended fucked an alleged Mexican.
More importantly, what does Mercede think of all this?
Alaska is the land of easy women! And knocked-up ones.
I wonder if the Fenters of Port Townsend are related to the Palins. They named their third daughter “LaVaugna”.
Johnston needs to tie a knot in his Johnson.
1 of 3? This has prime time gameshow written all over it.
Don’t forget to control the trash population! Have your Johnstons spayed or neutered!
[re=629107]OzoneTom[/re]:
LEAVE TRIG ALONE!!!1111!!!
Wasilla values!
Bristol may want to get checked for HIV, and, well, pretty much every STD.
(Mercede writes, “Bristol, … Please just get over the fact that some of my friends have previously been with Levi or you will NEVER have a healthy marriage with him.” SOME? HOW MANY???)
If only there was some moral authority in Wasilla that could bring some sanity to this situation.
Oh well, the meth bender, orgy and wolf hunt at the wedding should be fun.
Oh, and what’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? The pitbull doesn’t have a bunch of illegitimate grandchildren.
[re=629109]MLM[/re]: Peter Orszag’s toupees are custom made for him by Kangol.
I hear he likes to wear the red one when he’s knee deep in spread sheets, if you know what I’m sayin’…and I think you do!
*wink wink*
[re=629096]Extemporanus[/re]: That’s offensive to President Obama and Jack Stuef!
[re=629120]OzoneTom[/re]: Then there was that student in my class named “LaTrina”…
[re=629116]FMA[/re]: The whole Johnston family arose out of the other end of the continental gene pool:
http://guanabee.com/2009/06/levi-johnston-mexicanness-gq/
OT, sorta. If Palin gets elected President, will that mean the folks who did not vote for her should walk out into the streets, kneel, and commit seppuku?
But he is still abstinent again!
Dear Bristol and Levi –
Please try to exercise a little restraint — your current behavior is embarrassing to yourselves, but is also reflecting poorly on us.
Thank you,
The bunnies in the field across the street
If you’re not sure which of three guys may have knocked you up, you might begin to get the reputation of being ‘easy.’
O, word? Lanesia sounds blaquish and Garcia is sho nuff Hispanic. This is proof positive that the people you dislike most will end up in your family. How many times do you figure Palin dropeed the ‘tard bomb before she actually (allegedly) dropped an actual tard? Keep hatin’ Sarah. Your family is just going to get soooo much more entertaining and diverse!
[re=629140]weejee[/re]: No, they will merely secede from the Union, obvs.
Too bad Levi and Bristol split before she could advise him about the wonders of abstinence.
Her sister, Seborrhea, was oozing with excitement. Her mother, Amnesia, couldn’t recall a nicer boy than Wrangler..er..Levis.
[re=629128]Sharkey[/re]: I checked Mercede’s site and noticed she now has a section where she takes money via PayPal or credit card:
Support a little – $10
Support a little more – $25
Support a lot – $50
WOW! – $100
Holy cow – $250
[re=629133]Extemporanus[/re]: Ohhh the mental images…
And funny that a guy that looks like that is knee-deep in pussy and intrigue. Just like Levi Johnston!
[re=629135]sezme[/re]: Ha ha, I keed, I keed!
[re=629138]Undeterredbyreality[/re]: You’re not from Milwaukee by any chance, are you?
The place was lousy with “LaTrinas” when I was growing up there in the 70s. “LeVanders”, too.
[re=629128]Sharkey[/re]: Lanesia and Bristol used to be best friends. During that time period, Lanesia and Levi were a couple. Bristol stole Levi from Lanesia and soured their friendship. When Bristol and Levi split up, he naturally went back to Lanesia, in whose vagina his penis had previously couch surfed. Now that Bristola and Levi have gotten back together, there’s a whole “Team Lanesia vs. Team Bristol” thing heating up in Wasilla, which will no doubt result in a violently messy slew of hate concepted perfect little snowflakes.
Snooki gave me the 411 on the sitch while I was doing bumps off LiLo’s left tit in the visitor room of the Beverly Hills celebrity slammer.
All of the above is literally fo’ realz.
Is it Mercede because her parents thought Mercedes was plural?
Lanesia’s cousin, Clamidea, said she likes her infectious enthusiasm. Her twin sister, Exzema, says Lanesia is known for making rash decisions.
The Mexican plan of corrupting conservative Americans’ families through seduction is working! Next target, Jan Brewer!
Nice to that Sarah’s support of abstinence-only education that lies to teenagers that condoms don’t work is hitting her own family and not just fucking up her former constituents’.
[re=629114]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: I’m beginning to suspect that Ke$ha must be from Alaska and that’s actually her real name, in its original spelling.
[re=629161]Weeping Jesus[/re]: [re=629178]Weeping Jesus[/re]: And Aunt Esthesia just ain’t feelin’ it.
What is this going to do to Kathy Griffin?
If only that kid’s brain cells were as energetic active as his gametes, he might have had a bright future. Curing cancer or proving the Riemann Hypothesis or inventing an improved kind of Trucknutz with extra bounce or whatever
Money (shot) quote from Radar:
“Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable week of conception.”
Well, you know, up there at the North Pole, there’s six months of cold, lonely nights.
Levi can claim memory loss … “I had lanesia.”
Hey, if momma-in-law griz can make up words.
[re=629150]Cape Clod[/re]: You use this formulation, “If, . . ., then you might be from . . . ” This is funny way to make many millions, as Jeff Foxworthy has. We must compile a “if you . . . ., you might be from Wasilla” joke compendium, immediately, this soulds like website, then book and movie deal material, we could make out like that “Shit my Dad Says” dude.
Her counselor, Anne O’Recchsia, said Lanesia is starved for attention. Her best friend, Buleemya, said, “I knew she’d bring it up eventually.”
[re=629203]Carson[/re]: Well, come on, a week is 7 days. Who among us has not had three different sex partners in a 7 day period?
I thought we have always been at war with Lanesia.
[re=629203]Carson[/re]: Gosh, well I was pretty slutty in my late 20s but not 3 in a week with no contraception slutty . I believe that is what’s known as a “wet deck” .
Sounds like the old joke revived: There’s a party in Lanesia’s cooch and everyone is coming.
Bristol, home skillet, I grant you that Levi has more to learn about contraceptives and sexual fidelity, but you at least have to admire his motility– and isn’t that what’s really important in a life partner?
Lanesia Garcia = Easi girl caaan!!!
Oh, Levi. Things look pretty sweet when you’re the guy rolling in around in cute little sluts that will hump anything with a dong.
But then the chickens come home to roost in the form of all those little illegitimate ‘tards that start slipping out of their squishy bits several months later. Next thing you know, you’re up to your nuts in dirty paternity suits and dirty diapers of brats you never wanted, with the (recently wealthy) little slut you decided to stay with is now not wanting to take you in because she’s mad about all the other little sluts, and whataya gonna do?
Life get complicated, after 16, for those who refuse to learn about birth control.
I think that the reason why all these gals wind up pregnant is that they are holding off teaching sex education until 10th grade, or their “senior year” for most of these young ladies. I would imagine that the winner of last year’s Halloween costume party won by wearing a cap and gown and no one could guess what she was supposed to be. The baffled judges caved by default.
Levi, Bristol, et al., here it is in a nutshell: God invented the orgasm as a toe-curling, breathless reminder to STOP FUCKING, at least for a while.
A hookworm infestation is bad enough. Thanks to the likes of these people it is just a matter of time before the clap-resistant strain of hookworms infiltrates the entire state of Alaska.
I cringe to think of what product’s name they come up with for the latest baby. Ro-Tel With Lime and Cilantro? They could just name it after Sarah’s campaign slogan with Mc Cain “Old El Paso”
[re=629223]Limeylizzie[/re]: Maybe it was an orgy? That’s much classier.
Levi’s finger may be tatooed “Bristol”, but his dick is tatooed “To Whom It May Concern.”
Levi and Bristol want everyone to know that they really DO practice abstinence. When they’re not actually engaged in copulation.
Hey if Sarah wins in 2012 instead of the President on The Veiw she can go on a more appropriate day time talk show. Jerry Springer or Maury, “Sarah Palin, you are not the Mother.”
probable week of conception>? They can narrow a pregnancy down to a week? What about the 5 guys Lanesia did the week before Levi went jousting? Or the 4 or 6 the week after?
If it weren’t for the Palins and Levi, the population of Alaska would be about 100.
[re=629212]Prommie[/re]: If have hookworms, you might be from Wasilla.
[re=629258]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Oh I do hope so, Lenesia with 3 in the pink. and one in the stink.
Some one check and see how abstinence is defined in Wasilla.
[re=629269]Radiotherapy[/re]: If your mom refudiates the allegations that she has hookworms, and your dropout fiance-baby-daddy is siring bastards with trailer-park sluts near and far, you might be from Wasilla.
Wasilla is the Sin City of Alaska (from ADN):
WASILLA — A Wasilla couple was arrested on federal drug and money laundering charges this week by state and federal law enforcement officials.
Trace Rae Thoms, 46, and his wife, Jennifer Anne Thoms, 36, of 7974 Scarlet Circle in Wasilla, had allegedly used a painting business and a snow plowing operation to funnel more than $1 million in proceeds from a large marijuana operation on 12.63 acres at that address.
If you read ALL of the newspapers and magazines, you might be from Wasilla.
If your voice can drive dogs crazy three counties away while you rabble-rouse hundreds of mouth-breathers into a violent hsyteria, you might be from Wasilla.
Is she old enough to do my yard?
On the paternity form requesting the putative father she can write, “You know how when you eat a can of beans and you can’t be sure which one made you fart?”
[re=629287]Prommie[/re]: If you name your kids after trucks and chromosomal anomolies, you might be from Wasilla.
[re=629188]JMP[/re]: In other words, “How’s that abstinencey-edjumacationey thing workin’ out for her?”
1 of 3 possible fathers of the baby? SLATTERN!!!!
If you buy your wife new skirts for the trailer for your anniversary, you might be from Wasilla.
If you have your taxidermist on speed dial, you might be from Wasilla.
Damn you WONDERFUL PISTACHIOS! YOU LIED TO ME!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!! YOU TOLD US ALL HE HAD PROTECTION!!!! OH GOD NO!! DAMN YOU TO HELL WONDERFUL PISTACHIOS!!! I TRUSTED YOU LIKE ANY OTHER AD AND BOUGHT SEVERAL HUNDRED POUNDS OF YOUR PRODUCT!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggB6SsB4DgM
Anyways, another win for abstinence education. If the point of abstinence education to to populate the entire landmass of Alaska. The more Levi does to damage the Palin family the more he has to make a career out of his reputation. Eventually I see him getting Sarah Palin pregnant. All he needs to do is draw a picture of it on her hand to get that deed done. That last baby will be his ticket to high society for sure!
Now for a none joke comment. It’s ironic that the right and left usually see cheating by conservatives as a joke/something to make light of/irrelevant. But when a centrist that claims to be leftists (majority of the democrats) have a bastard baby it is the end of the line. Both sides go into outrage mode demanding his/her blood. The retarded notion that they should live by our standards and we should live by theirs. What a bunch of horse shit.
So what if Edwards cheated on his tumor and fathered a child that he didn’t recognize for months? Does his points of the haves and have nots disappear from public discourse? Apparently so. What next? Global warming doesn’t exist because Al Gore flew in a private jet with the hatch open so he could feel the wind slap his 10 inch dick around? Soon the right will try to impeach Obama for sleeping with (shocking!!!) some woman named Michelle Obama and the liberal establishment will find themselves a part of the hysteria.
I find it sad that the center left judges the right with their own principles. Yet when it involves people that they associate with, they always throw them under the bus because they don’t judge each other by their own standards. They judge each other by the standards that the right would never judge themselves. The right doesn’t throw each other under the bus like the center “left” does. It’s as if the center “left” enjoys that game. The right smartly knows that the 24-7 no follow up media will eventually lose interest within a week and the whole problem will be erased from the consciousness of the masses.
Only one word is needed to summarize my rant. Ugh.
[re=629203]Carson[/re]: “Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable >del week</del night of conception.” Lets see if this fixes it.
[re=629217]Prommie[/re]: Which one of us hasn’t had sex with three different people in 24 hours? God, those were the real Wonder Years…
[re=629365]Ducksworthy[/re]:Levi is one of three possible fathers who were with Lanesia during the probable
weeknight of conception.” Still trying to get the hang of this newfangled lingo.[re=629152]nappyduggs[/re]: Again–LEVI JOHNSTON IS ALREADY MEXICAN:
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-06-16/shopping-with-levi-johnston/full/
http://guanabee.com/2009/06/levi-johnston-mexicanness-gq/
[re=629120]OzoneTom[/re]: LaVaugna? I can’t decide if that sounds more like a food or a body part. I know an obstetrician who delivered a baby the parents named “Placenta,” because they liked the word so much when he explained that part of the delivery to them. I’ll have to ask if they were from Alaska. He’s an Army doctor, so it’s distinctly possible. He also delivered an E Pluribus Unum. But don’t tell Sarah or she’ll have another baby just to use it.
If the only ‘classic’ you’ve read is the bible, you might be from Wasilla.
If you’ve ever told your Real Estate agent that basement space for a meth lab is your number one requirement, you might be from Wasilla.
If Snookie is your ideal of class and grace, you might be from Wasilla.
If you’ve ever bought a car and decided to install a gun rack rather than side airbags, you might be from Wasilla.
[re=629437]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Wow. By comparison, hippie spawn names like moonbeam and sunflower are positively regal.
Is to try something new – that is if you’re crazy too
But I don’t really see, why can’t we go on as three? ( or four?)
– David Crosby
[re=629103]Bearbloke[/re]: **a fertile bunch** ! that is so cute the way you put it . it’s called inbreeding .
[re=629196]Joe the Plumber[/re]: she will die of grief . unless he lets her blow him whenever she’s in town . i know how she must feel .
[re=629492]rmjag[/re]: But in Wasilla, it’s called “raisin’ the kids up rite”….
that’s just a euphemism for inbreeding . ‘keeping it in the family’ is also the same .
[re=629216]Weeping Jesus[/re]: Thank you, I haven’t laughed this hard in a week.
I heard Lanesia’s friend Gonorrhea told her she learned there’s a little pill that could prevent this problem — if only she’d known that before she did the nasty with her guy Trich.
Levi hath been sent forth by the purification committee to populate the WasillaReich with spermatacious spectacularity. I for one welcome our new hyperspermic overlords.
I have the pleasure of living in Wasilla and I can tell you that peopleofwalmart.com does not spend nearly enough time in the store in Wasilla (for reasons that should be obvious I also too do not spend any time at the Wasilla WalMart….)
I grew up in the South and darnit, this place still freaks me out!
And, to add just one more thing, if Lanesia was already banging three guys a week and it was only Halloween she wasn’t doing it right. We save our true sluttiness up here for when it’s Really Dark and Really Cold. The sex takes ones’ mind off of the weather. She must have just been bored. When it’s -20F and the snow is up to your boobs you’ll pretty much screw anything that lands a ski plane on your property, or breaks down his snowmachine and asks for assistance, or brings you firewood and/or canned goods and smoked salmon and cases of beer and smokes. The true gems are the ones that show up in the middle of winter with a snowsuit full of Merlot, Humbolt Fog cheese and fresh fruit. A true Alaskan girl saves the baby bearing for a man with non frozen nummies on him.
This is really gonna complicate the design on the commemorative tattoos.
Keep abortion legal.
Jeebus Spaceman, you are so far behind the 8 ball. Pregnant fertility goddess Garcia has already ssid that the Johnston is not the baby daddy.
Lanesia’s Myspace page:
http://www.myspace.com/lgarcia12
Still looking for Briana Plum.
Looks like Levi is introducing some new genes.
[re=629217]Prommie[/re]: My periods usually last only 5 days, but sure, I’ve done three guys during one period.
[re=629663]LakeLucilleLoon[/re]: I refer to it as a “meth-infested gravel pit”.
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