Hey, Should We Liveblog Sean Spicer's Press Conference Right Now? Okay If You Insist!

Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer has had a very bad time lately trying to keep up with, well, you know, ALL OF IT. Every day he comes out and tries not to yell at the press corps, and he lasts a few minutes while he's reading his notes and then they start ASKING HIM QUESTIONS.

Is that even fair? To ask Sean Spicer questions? Like "what the fuck Sean Spicer?" and "Sean Sphincter says what?" and "Mike Flynn:  Russian Spy or Turkish Spy, Which Is It Spicey?"

Then, when he can't handle the blood pressure spike, he calls on Gateway Pundit and everyone goes home.

But today is special! Today we will find out how many ways Sean Spicer can decline to answer questions about Devin Nunes's Wild Midnight Ride and Mike Flynn's flipping to the Fibbies and Donald Trump: he resigning yet, or what? Mama's got a longshot bet to win!

LET'S ROLL!

1: 05 PM. MSNBC is reporting that this presser will start at 1:30, even though Spicer tweeted last night that it would start at 1. JUST ANOTHER LIE FOR YOU! We will see you back here then unless we see you first!

1: 08 PM. OH! Here is a thing I can tell you about! Wonkette now allows you to make recurring donations to us every damn month, even if you are not on Paypal! What? Is it even possible? IT IS. To sign up for monthly donations to us, to show your love for us EVERY MONTH, FOR EVER, or until your credit card expires, go here! To make a one-time donation only, you can do it down there, at the end of this post. Wonkette: THROWING MORE SHRIMP ON YOUR BARBIES. (Your money.)

1: 17 PM. Somebody in the press corps has a potty mouth and keeps yelling GET THE FUCK OUT. FUCK OUT. I bet it is Sam Donaldson.

1: 30 PM. Remember when our beloved B. Barry Bamz used to be late all the time? Remember once when he wore a bad suit?

1: 34 PM. Spicer is late for his lateness, just letting us all sit here with our thumbs in our asses. How bad do you think he's getting screamed at RIGHT NOW???

1: 42 PM. Spicer comes out to lull everyone into a soothing nap with talks about trade deficits and how we will mug all the other countries it will be yooge; also "unfair trade practices" like "countervailing doodies" of "malicious dumping." That is when Donald Trump shits on your family by not paying your invoice.

1: 47 PM. Sean Spicer on the Gorsuch Supreme Court nomination: How come Democrats hated only having eight justices when it was Ted Cruz saying he wouldn't give a hearing to any Clinton nomination for EVER, HENGHHHH? But now they want to filibuster a guy just for being a horrible judge who thinks employer rights extend from determining your sex life to KILLING YOU? How is that even honest???

ALSO also, Trump gonna bring back those coal jobs again -- with Horsey Sauce! 

The entire coal industry employs fewer people than @Arbys   https: //t.co/DqqKfIDlUL 

— Martenzie Johnson (@Martenzie) March 31, 2017 

1: 55 PM. John Roberts: Blah blah Devin Nunes? Spice: "What occurred between Chairman Nunes and coming here was both routine and proper." He goes on to explain that unmasking American citizens in highly classified reports is BAD and this lady Evelyn Farkas ADMITTED IT!

LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER U ... or ... no? 

Evan wrote at you about this all the way back on March 2, which is like 29 days ago (MATH). He explained it thusly:

According to the Times, these Obama-loving officials would ask sneaky questions in intelligence briefings, so those questions would be preserved for the record, and they did everything they could to make sure the broad strokes of what they were learning wasn’t too classified, so as many people as possible could see it. The Times notes that this enabled officials to share stuff on “Intellipedia,” a Wikipedia-style thing that actually exists, because of course it does.

On the really top secret stuff, they “tightened the already small number of people who could access that information,” to keep it away from as many prying eyes as they could. (And the Times doesn’t say it, but remember all those reports about the intelligence community keeping some of its BEST SHIT from the Trump regime? Maybe some of it is the incriminating stuff they have, about the Trump regime!)

And it turns out it's a good thing that "Dr. Farkas" did this terrible lawlessness, because it turns out Mike Flynn's dude at NSC, and Nunes's guy at the White House Counsel's office, were both looking at all the "wire tapps" to try to ... well, that part we don't know yet! Either they were spying on the FBI investigation, or maybe they were trying to find all the files and light them on fire, but they were definitely doing "not routine" "not proper" things!

(Late update) Tommy Christopher made you a clip!

Liar Sean Spicer says Dr. Farkas "admitted" to leaking info on Trump associates, then reads statement that is not that. pic.twitter.com/eGHUwvsJPv 

— Tommy Christopher (@tommyxtopher) March 31, 2017 

2: 03 PM. Once again Spicey says "every person who's been briefed on this" -- Republican, Democrat, Martian, Hillary Clinton -- has come away saying there's "no evidence" and nothing to ANY of these allegations. Except for ... James Comey? And Mike Rogers? And all the people Devin Nunes canceled his hearings to keep from testifying?

Did you guys hear this part? We did not hear this part. The perils of Pauline (and liveblogging)!

Sean Spicer says we should be concerned about Hillary Clinton's policy on Russia, not the FBI investigation of Trump/associates. ?

— Caroline O. (@RVAwonk) March 31, 2017 

If that happened, and not just in that lady's CRAZY LADY BRAIN, it is obviously a very true and trenchant point: Hillary Clinton IS Vladimir Putin's puppet!

2: 14 PM. Sean Spicer wants us to stop arguing about "calendar days" and who was wire tapping whom and who was leaking on which and all agree that Hillary Clinton should be in jail.

Spice is "ASTONISHED" that VERY BAD misusing and mishandling and misdirecting of UNMASKED PEOPLE for political purposes -- which Devin Nunes himself clumsily admitted never happened -- is not what we are all het up about now but rather we are het up by the KNOWN FACT said by the DIRECTOR OF THE FBI that the FBI is INVESTIGATING THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES FOR POSSIBLE 'COORDINATION' WITH RUSSIA IN THE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN.

We are "ASTONISHED" ourselves.

2: 20 PM. Some dude changed the issue to China, and now a nice black dude from a radio show in Philadelphia has given Spicer an opportunity to talk about DANGEROUS illegals ROAMING THE STREETS, probably to rape you EN ESPANOL.

Spicer is so much calmer when he is talking about dangerous brown people raping us.

2: 22 PM. OK, a HERO has asked Spicer to clarify his Hillary Clinton Russia comments, so we know what the fuck he is talking about, and he is talking about this: Donald Trump's connections to Russia include a beauty pageant in Moscow, and he sold some condos around the world, and "I think he may have sold a house a few years ago." And those are ALL THE TIES to Russia anyone has EVER FOUND.

 (Spoiler: Those are not all the ties to Russia anyone has ever found.) 

Hillary Clinton on the other hand did (lie lie lie lie lie). 

2: 26 PM. Spicey GRRR AGAIN because Glenn Thrush said the words "Devin Nunes." Spicer wants to know why Glenn's paper never covered Dr. Evelyn Farkas's thingie about hiding the intel in the couch cushions. WHERE IS IT GLENN? he asks. Um, here? 

2: 30 PM. Another HERO reporter (we're told it's Tamara Keith of NPR) points out Evelyn Farkas left the administration in 2015, so what the fuck is Sean Spicer accusing her of? Sean Spicer goes OFF. WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER??? Before we THROW HER IN THIS DUNGEON and LOCK HER AWAY! It is an amazing argument by a child, and if Tommy Christopher makes a clip of it, we will bring it to you!

Thanks Tommy.

Spicer yells at reporter for pointing out that Dr. Farkas left Obama admin in 2015. @commiegirl1   pic.twitter.com/kFSuRcXsR1 

— Tommy Christopher (@tommyxtopher) March 31, 2017 

Reporter: Um, my understanding is that Dr. Farkas left the administration in 2015? So why is what she said in 2017 relevant to something that allegedly happened in 2016?

Spicer: The question I would have for you is: exactly! Why is it? She says in her things, 'I'm urging my colleagues, I'm urging it to get the hill [???],' but it's odd that the presumption seems to be why is it interesting, have you asked her?

Reporter: No, you're the one ...

Spicer: NO. YOU HAVEN'T. So, ah, no no! But she's been on television talking about what she's done and you seem to have made no d ...

Reporter ... [unintelligible: maybe "don't believe"?] I see on TV ...

Spicer: Well neither do I! But I also d ... I would assume that as a reporter that actually is interested in the story, a senior Obama administration official that handled RUSSIA ... [garbled]. But my point is you seem to be rushing to her DEFENSE. At some point she came on, she went on television and talked about actions that she and her colleagues took to spread classified information, and instead of, Jonathan, instead of defending her, it might be worth asking her what she's talking about, who she spread it to, why she did it, was it appropriate, who cleared her to do it, maybe those are questions you could ask instead of asking ME to defend why a former Obama administration official is revealing stuff that should be extremely concerning.

WHEW!!!!!!!!!

And thanks Brad.

Here’s Spicer telling @GlennThrush that Hillary Clinton has much closer connections to Russia than Trump pic.twitter.com/K4ar9C9j3p 

— Bradd Jaffy (@BraddJaffy) March 31, 2017 

2: 45 PM. Major Garrett has some puzzlers about how, hey, is the White House going to share with the Senate and House Intel committees the information it shared with Devin Nunes so's he could share it with the White House? Spicer: DURRRR.

2: 47 PM. IT IS ENDED! Anybody else got a head full of pigshit right now? At some point, after we've had a breather and Roofie ourself, we are going to go back and find you some clips and transcriptions because honestly we're not sure what we just saw. We will say Spicer's getting better at this -- yes, really! -- obfuscating fast enough you can't pinpoint his 50 lies a minute. So ... congrats? Good job? Auf wiedersehen goodbye?

Since you're here, go read Evan's thing on Ross Douthat's sex life. It is gross and juvenile and all the words are spelled right. YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY!

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