Donald Trump's NYT Interview Was HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

BAD NEWS, WONKERS! YOUR PRESIDENT IS COMPLETELY FUCKING INSANE!

Yesterday, three New York Times reporters sat down with Donald Trump for his first non-Fox interview in weeks. Why does he keep coming back to the failing New York Times when they always make him look like a lunatic? How does Maggie Haberman get him to say all this crazy stuff? And how are we only six months into this horrible nightmare?

Around 9PM the Times dropped a partial transcript which is so bonkers that we are actually feeling a little lightheaded. And to prove they aren't FAKE NEWS, they released audio of some of the best bits.

</center>OMG! This thing really happened! <p>Let's start the morning off with the Top 5 Holy Shit Moments. There will be so much more later! But for now, let's gown up and dive in. </p><p>[Editrix's Note: After Your 5$F wrote this article, the New York Times dumped another mountain of crazy words online. We'll have more stories soon!] </p><p/><h2>1. Poor Donald! Stuck With an Attorney General Who Can't Even Kill a Russia Investigation!</h2> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: Well, Sessions should have never recused himself, and if he was going to recuse himself, he should have told me before he took the job, and I would have picked somebody else. <p>HABERMAN: He gave you no heads up at all, in any sense? </p><p>TRUMP: Zero. So Jeff Sessions takes the job, gets into the job, recuses himself. I then have — which, frankly, I think is very unfair to the president. How do you take a job and then recuse yourself? If he would have recused himself before the job, I would have said, “Thanks, Jeff, but I can’t, you know, I’m not going to take you.” It’s extremely unfair, and that’s a mild word, to the president. So he recuses himself. I then end up with a second man, who’s a deputy.</p></blockquote> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: So Jeff Sessions, Jeff Sessions gave some bad answers. <p>HABERMAN: You mean at the hearing? </p><p>TRUMP: Yeah, he gave some answers that were simple questions and should have been simple answers, but they weren’t. He then becomes attorney general, and he then announces he’s going to recuse himself. Why wouldn’t he have told me that before?</p></blockquote> <p>Hooboy! Donald Trump knows who the real victim is here, and it is DONALD TRUMP! How dare Jeff Sessions leave him hanging with no Attorney General to protect him from the Russia investigation! And for what? Lying about those <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/oh-fiddlesticks-did-jeff-sessions-do-even-more-perjury-about-russian-contacts-than-we-thought" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">one or twelve</a> meetings with the Russians? PFFFFT. If Jeff Sessions was going to knuckle under like a pussy every time someone questioned his ethics, then he should never have taken a job in the Trump Administration! </p><p>Will Jeff Sessions You're Fired himself and hitch a ride back to Alabammy by Monday? We would not be FOR SHOCKED, and Rachel Maddow has already announced a <a href="http://www.rawstory.com/2017/07/were-on-resignation-watch-maddow-explains-why-in-normal-times-sessions-would-be-out-after-trumps-criticism/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Resignation Watch</a> for the Keebler Elf we all love to hate. Clearly Donald Trump expected that the top law enforcement officer in the country would have eighty-sixed the whole Russia business by now, instead of sticking him with some four-eyed, fake Republican from Baltimore. We almost feel sorry for Jeff Sessions, who has been unfailingly loyal to his lunatic boss. But then we remember that he's that backwardass bigot Jeff Sessions, and we knock that shit right off! </p><p/><h2>2. Trump Would Consider Firing Mueller If He Started Investigating Trump's Company</h2> <p/><blockquote>SCHMIDT: Last thing, if Mueller was looking at your finances and your family finances, unrelated to Russia — is that a red line? <p>HABERMAN: Would that be a breach of what his actual charge is? </p><p>TRUMP: I would say yeah. I would say yes. </p><p>HABERMAN: Would you fire Mueller if he went outside of certain parameters of what his charge is? [crosstalk] </p><p>SCHMIDT: What would you do? </p><p>[crosstalk] </p><p>TRUMP: I can’t, I can’t answer that question because I don’t think it’s going to happen.</p></blockquote> <p>Well, Trump didn't produce a map with a red "X" and say, "Mueller better not dig here, because that is definitely NOT where the bodies are buried." Although they haven't published a full transcript yet, so who knows what scoops the afternoon may bring! God knows what's going to crawl out if special counsel Robert Mueller starts turning over rocks in Trumpland. But Trump railed for years <a href="http://fcpaprofessor.com/donald-trump-the-fcpa-is-a-horrible-law-and-it-should-be-changed/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">against the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act</a> (FCPA) because how can Americans compete overseas if they can't pay bribes? One of the first things he does in office is <a href="https://qz.com/927217/one-of-the-worlds-best-weapons-against-bribery-and-corruption-is-under-threat-from-trump/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">try to weaken the FCPA</a>. And now he's threatening to Saturday Night Massacre Robert Mueller if he starts looking into the Trump Organization's business practices. The guy's not worried about someone finding a blue dress with his DNA on it, <em>if you know what we mean!</em> </p><p/><h2>3. Trump Knew About DJ and Jared's Russian Intel Connection BEFORE The Meeting!</h2> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: <strong>I just heard there was an email requesting a meeting or something — yeah, requesting a meeting. That they have information on Hillary Clinton,</strong> and I said — I mean, this was standard political stuff. <p>SCHMIDT: Did you know at the time that they had the meeting? </p><p>TRUMP: No, I didn’t know anything about the meeting.</p></blockquote> <p>WHAT???? Don, Jr has been swearing to anyone who will listen that <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/07/12/donald-trump-jr-says-ready-testify-oath-emails-russian-meeting/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">his father never knew that they were meeting with representatives of the Russian government to get dirt on Hillary</a>. Trump himself told Reuters last week, <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-says-he-didnt-know-about-trump-jr-s-meeting-with-russian-lawyer/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">"I didn't know until a couple of days ago when I heard about this."</a> But under Haberman hypnosis he remembers that he <strong>did</strong> know about it beforehand. </p><p>Holy shit! We might have to lie down for a minute! </p><p/><h2>4. Trump Accused James Comey of Trying to Use The Steele Dossier as Leverage</h2> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: When he [James B. Comey] brought it [the dossier] to me, I said this is really made-up junk. I didn’t think about anything. I just thought about, man, this is such a phony deal. <p>HABERMAN: You said that to him? </p><p>TRUMP: Yeah... </p><p>TRUMP: So anyway, in my opinion, he shared it so that I would think he had it out there. </p><p>SCHMIDT: As leverage? </p><p>TRUMP: Yeah, I think so. In retrospect. In retrospect.</p></blockquote> <p>What even are you talking about, Poppy! <a href="http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/10/veteran-spy-gave-fbi-info-alleging-russian-operation-cultivate-donald-trump/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Mother Jones</a> had the Steele dossier in <em>October of 2016</em>. John McCain (may he live to be 120!) had it in December, and <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/jan/10/fbi-chief-given-dossier-by-john-mccain-alleging-secret-trump-russia-contacts" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">he gave it to the FBI</a>. <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/11/us/politics/donald-trump-russia-intelligence.html?_r=0" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Half the newspapers in the country had it</a> by the time James Comey had that awkward conversation with you on January 6, 2017. But please, tell us more about how mean James Comey was blackmailing you with a bunch of "phony" stories that was known to every media outlet and large parts of the intelligence services. </p><p/><h2>5. Donald Trump Thinks The FBI Director Reports To The President</h2> <p/><blockquote>TRUMP: And nothing was changed other than Richard Nixon came along. And when Nixon came along [inaudible] was pretty brutal, and out of courtesy, the F.B.I. started reporting to the Department of Justice. But there was nothing official, there was nothing from Congress. There was nothing — anything. <strong>But the F.B.I. person really reports directly to the president of the United States, which is interesting.</strong> You know, which is interesting. And I think we’re going to have a great new F.B.I. director. <p>HABERMAN: Chris Wray. </p><p>TRUMP: He’s highly thought of by everybody. I think I did the country a great service with respect to Comey.</p></blockquote> <p><img id="ed0d3" data-rm-shortcode-id="e0580e84f4d86067744aae6b211218f2" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY2NjU2NS9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcxNTk0Mzg1M30.XY8Zm8wPZRazvpceBsF8E5QmEAzaMOkG3pr_BdNxVg4/img.png?width=980" /> </p><p>Here on Planet Earth, the FBI Director reports to the Attorney General. It is wildly inappropriate for the President to intervene in any pending investigation, particularly one which concerns his family. But thank you for letting us know that you intend to supervise Christopher Wray directly after he is confirmed! He must really appreciate you vouching for his independence and integrity! </p><p>Okay, Wonkers! Remember to breathe! </p><p>BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/no-for-real-trumps-new-york-times-interview-is-literally-fucking-bonkers-part-deux">Click here for PART DEUX</a> of Wonkette's HILARIOUS REPORTING on this interview! </p><p>[<a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/19/us/politics/trump-interview-transcript.html" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">New York Times</a>] </p><p><strong> </strong></p><p>Wonkette is ad-free! And for the record, we'd have asked the old goat about his plan to throw 32 million people off health insurance! <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/subscribe/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Please click to fund us!</a></p>