Whole Lotta WHOLE LOT Going On! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Feb. 7, 2019

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Rep. Adam Schiff has sent "dozens" of witness transcripts to Robert Mueller for his first act as the chair of the House Intel committee. Democrats also blocked an attempt by Republicans to immediately release all the transcripts, stating the investigation wasn't finished yet as they're still busy following the trail of rubles to Trump Tower(s). Yesterday, Trump abandoned his SOTU call for "unity" (natch), and threatened House Democrats by making shitty comments about Schiff, calling him a "political hack," and claiming Democrats were harassing him like a common Hillary. Trump continued whining like a baby, shitposting that there will be "no time left to run government," which is ironic considering we're still dealing with the effects of his shutting down the government for over a month. And also for all the rest of the reasons.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Democrats on the the House Ways and Means Committee are gleefully crossing Trump's "red line" and investigating Trump's taxes. Some members of the whipper-snappers caucus are pissed Democratic leaders are cautiously moving forward with hearings ahead of all the investigations, but House Democratic Caucus Chair Hakeem Jeffries put his foot down and stated, "The House is going to proceed with restraint, with regular order, and that's why hearings will take place." House Republicans are claiming this is all "political," ignoring the years they spent wasting time and taxpayer dollars investigating the mystery of Killary's magical murdering email machine in Benghazi.

During a committee hearing on HR 1, the House bill to expand voting rights, Rep. Elijah Cummings gave a fire and brimstone speech about protecting the people's right to vote, stating, "Voting is crucial, and I don't give a damn how you look at it. There are efforts to stop people from voting, that's not right!" PREACH!

Rep. Maxine Waters is reclaiming her time after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin blew off requests to submit documents detailing WHY he rolled back sanctions on Russian mobster oligarch Oleg Deripaska. According to Politico, Waters will now drag Mnuchin's lazy ass up to the Hill for a grilling. Water-carrying Republicans say Trump officials are simply busy trying to avoid another Trump shutdown, leading Democratic Rep. Jim Hines to state, "They stiff-armed us."

The first congressional hearing on gun violence since 2011 quickly devolved into Republicans calling victims liars who wouldn't know a gun if it bit them in their bloody ass. Bro Caucus, Trump-loving, Tea Party crackpot Rep. Matt Gaetz tried to claim that the rash of mass shootings was all the fault of Mexican Muslims pouring over our southern border in taco trucks full of bullets, causing the parents of Parkland shooting victims to call Gaetz a goddamn liar. Gaetz then threatened to expel the parents of murdered children from a hearing on gun violence because they were triggering him by noting the perpetrators of mass shootings are statistically young white guys with access to semi-automatic guns. Democrats, however, used the hearing to give victims a voice, and pressured gun fetishests into explaining why groups like the NRA makes oodles of Ameros off dead kids.

A new estimate on the cost of the current number of active-duty troops and guardsmen sent to stand around the southern border with their thumbs up their asses is expected to be around $1 billion dollars by the end of the fiscal year.

Pigs began flying yesterday after the House Energy and Commerce Committee's subcommittee on Environment and Climate Change convened for the first time in six years with a bipartisan group of legislators and concluded that CLIMATE CHANGE IS FUCKING REAL! The hearing came on the same day that NASA scientists released a report showing how 2018 was the fourth hottest year in the 140 years of record-keeping.

The DOJ's Office of Professional Responsibility is investigating a plea deal Trump's shady Labor Secretary Alex Acosta worked out with mega rich pedophile Jeffrey Epstein while Acosta served as a US Attorney in 2008. The investigation follows a detailed exposé of the Epstein case from the Miami Herald, and comes a week after the DOJ Inspector General declined to investigate due to a lack of jurisdiction.

Trump is STILL blowing off his intelligence briefings, opting instead to follow the gurgles and farts from his rotten bowels over career national security officials. President Pampers doesn't even bother with the Presidential Daily Brief, the daily national security digest of all the secret and horrible things happening in the world, because it ALLEGEDLY has too many big words.

CNN will host a town hall with super rich guy ... excuse me, douchebag of excessive means, Howard Schultz, in Texas next Tuesday. The crowd is said to be made up of people from "civic and educational organizations" (read: commie poors).

Republicans in the Utah state Senate don't give a damn if voters want Medicaid expansion, they just passed a bill rolling back a voter-approved measure to make Obamacare bigger and better. The new GOP bill will make it harder for poor people to claim they're poor because #MAGA.

A Florida woman has been quit-fired from city government for her habit of getting wasted and licking men's faces, and also accepting bribes. Nancy Oakley denies she licked the face of another city official in front of his (ALLEGED) mistress, then grabbed his crotch and his butt, and then punched the (ALLEGED) mistress.

The NYPD sent a nastygram to Google demanding that it stop sharing drunk driving checkpoints with users, stating it encourages reckless driving and that "Revealing the location of checkpoints puts those drivers, their passengers, and the general public at risk." Google responded by saying people who are shitfaced aren't paying attention to their apps.

Marina Butina's gross old boo Paul Erickson has been indicted in North Dakota on 11 counts of wire fraud and money laundering in a scheme to defraud investors in an old folks home that was never built. The charges also list something that sounds like pyramid scheme, and a scam that involves inventing a wheelchair-toilet thingy.

Clutch my pearls and save my stars, Tucker Carlson thinks Stacey Abrams wants to kill whitey! Somebody clearly sent an abridged version of Abrams's Foreign Affairs op-ed about identity politics making America great again, but after watching sound bites of Abrams's rebuttal to Trump's American carnage thing Tuesday, Tuck-Tuck blew his dog whistle and claimed "the people who are left" (after you subtract all the negros, and Latinos, and gay-mos, etc.) are the real victims here!

The widow Cindy McCain was shuffling through a local sky harbor, not minding her own business, when she uncovered a devious toddler trafficking ring! The widow McCain dutifully summoned a constable who quickly surmised that McCain was just being a racist, and the child had not been snatched from the loving arms of its family by a dastardly foe. The widow McCain has since apologized (on Twitter) for acting like old timey desert trash.

It sure as hell looks like former New York Times EIC Jill Abramson plagiarized large chunks of her new book criticizing edgy alt-media outlets. Michael Moynihan, a reporter for Vice, was fact-checking Abramson's mean words about Vice and noticed she was lifting whole passages from other news outlets without sourcing them. Coincidentally, Abramson was on Fox News last night and denied that she was purposely breaking our ink-stained hearts, though she later tweeted that she would "review the passages in question."

Former Democratic congressman from Michigan John Dingell has been enrolled in hospice care, according to his wife, Rep. Debbie Dingell. The longest-serving member of congress is not going quietly into that good night, however, tweeting he's worked out a deal with his wife to dictate his tweets, adding, "You're not done with me just yet."

Michael Bolton says he wasn't sleeping during an Australian TV interview, he was just drunk ... err dealing with "technical issues."

And here's your morning Nice Time! FISHIES!

Soothing and Calming Fish at The Living Coastwww.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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