THIS IS NOT FINE. Wonkagenda For Fri., March 15, 2019

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

Forty-nine people were murdered in a terrorist attack on mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand. Police currently have four people in custody. A person broadcasting the attack on social media also released a 74-page manifesto that Robert Evans describes as a racist shitpost, credited Donald Trump as a "symbol of white renewed identity," and praised the actions of other mass murdering white supremacist terrorists while repeating rhetoric heard by tiki-torch carrying douchebags in Charlottesville in 2017.

Prepare for a lot of people cited in the manifesto to be beneath contempt, and some who weren't cited as well. It's going to be a day. Here is an Emergency Nice Time pupper.

how to capture a wild

Congress shut down Trump's attempt to steal the power of the purse and build his wall when the Senate voted for a House resolution condemning Trump's national emergency declaration. In all, 12 Senate Republicans bucked Trump and joined all Democrats, setting up Trump's first vetoes. In response, Trump fired off a mindless tweet that simply read, "VETO." Both WaPo and Politico have hilarious gossip stories detailing how the Trump administration repeatedly failed to swing nervous GOP defectors, even after Ted Cruz, Lindsey Graham and Ben Sasse suddenly showed up to the White House in a last minute attempt to plead for Trump to reconsider, only to be greeted as "trespassers."

For the Republicans who DID vote for Trump's border wall cash grab, a number of Democrats are taking note of all the military construction projects Republicans thought were less important than Trump's goddamn wall. You'd think Mitch McConnell would care about a middle school at Fort Campbell, or that Lindsey Graham would help build a simple aircraft maintenance hangar, but no, they wanted WALL. They love WALL.

The administration is considering emergency response Surge Capacity Force in order to further augment all the military forces standing around on the southern border with their thumbs up their asses. Surge Capacity Forces are commonly deployed by FEMA during natural disasters, like wildfires and hurricanes, but they're voluntary. Since the administration can't tap FEMA resources to stop the Mexican Muslims taco truck invasion, the administration thinks it might find a few good MAGA men in flyover country willing to stand around in the desert staring at vast expanses of nothingness.

There's a case before the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals that could change the law on foreign donations in elections. The crux of the argument centers around free speech and immigrants feeling they should be allowed to to participate in local elections, but legal geeks are worried the case could have ramifications further up the federal food chain.

In order to avoid being called a hypocrite, 2020 Democratic candidate Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders is shutting down his charitable foundation, "The Sanders Institute." The AP reports Sanders made the move to close the less than two-year-old foundation so nobody can call him a common Hillary for the foundation being headed by his wife, its questionable acceptance of hundreds of thousands of Ameros, or its fluid transfer of staffers with Our Revolution.

The GOP is already trying to rake 2020 Democratic candidate and former Texas Rep. Beto O'Rourke over the coals. This morning the WSJ reports Beto's early backers were -- gasp -- local Texas Republicans. Meanwhile, McClatchy reports the GOP views Beto's DWI as an Achilles heel and is hoping the teetotalling Trump will use it as a cudgel instead of awkwardly staring at Beto's hands.Fun Fact: Beto addressed his 1990s DWI in the while simultaneously making Ted Cruz look like a creepy asshole last year.

Sen. Kamala Harris was misquoted yesterday to make it seem like she was throwing shit at Beto, but only Politico seems to have noticed Harris criticized Mike Pence's creepy rules with women and gay people in the same interview. Harris stated, "I think that's ridiculous — the idea that you would deny a professional woman the opportunity to have a meeting with the vice president of the United States is outrageous." A Pence spox later called this a "false claim" and said Pence has binders full of women.

Kamala Harris called for an end to the death penalty. In an interview with NPR, Harris called the death penalty "immoral, discriminatory, ineffective, and a gross misuse of taxpayer dollars," and stated she supported California Gov. Gavin Newsom's moratorium on the death penalty. Yesterday Edtrix pointed out "the last time Harris and Newsom one-two punched an issue, gay marriage became legal in all 50 states."

Vanity Fair gossips that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has an interesting itinerary that takes him through a number of early primary states, and now Never Trump GOP insiders are wondering if #HesRunning in 2024, or 2020.

Actress Rosario Dawson is sexing Sen. Cory Booker, according to TMZ. Politico notes that, if elected, Booker would become the third bachelor to serve in the White House. Good for them, at least Booker's sex life won't be like that Michael Douglas movie.

Kentucky Republican Gov. Matt Bevin's Medicaid work requirements is being met with more legal scrutiny. Backed by Trump's Justice Department, the court heard literally laughable arguments FROM THE DOJ that there's no way to guesstimate how many people would lose Medicaid coverage until AFTER they started the program. In the past, Bevin has threatened to revoke the states Medicaid expansion if poors don't get off their asses and earn their keep.

Last month the ambitious Google Fiber project bailed out of Louisville, declaring it too hard and expensive to fix a rather obvious screwup in the fiber installation process. Gizmodo reports Google's use of "nanotrenching" throughout Louisville ultimately doomed the initiative to bring high-speed and low cost internet pr0n to the masses. Because the Earth can't sit still and Google got cheap, Louisville now has two inch rubber snakes all over the city.

Federal agents are desperately trying to find gun parts stolen by a federal contractor in West Virginia. DHS and the ATF have declined to talk about how the contractor was able to steal unregulated parts from "disposed" service weapons, but CBS reports they've launched a multistate investigation. Upon being apprehended, a distraught suspect reportedly kept repeating, "It's me against the government."

House Oversight Chair Elijah Cummings has asked a former Fox News reporter to turn over her notes relating to her reporting on Trump's porn star hush money payments during the 2016 election. An attorney for the reporter, Diana Falzone, had stated Falzone was bound by a non-disclosure agreement with Fox, but last night the attorney stated, "A government inquiry also trumps an NDA."

Laura Poitras was booted from a meeting at The Intercept following an announcement that its parent company, First Look Media, would be laying off a chunk of staffers and shutting down its Snowden archive. Citing internal meeting notes, The Daily Beast reports Poitras was barred from the meeting by a big cheese lawyer at First Look, and quotes Glenn Greenwald being a dick.

Splinter has a good write up on the nature of freelancing in the digital age. The skinny is this: Writers have begun to unionize, so media companies are laying off staffers to avoid paying benefits, especially those mandated by Obamacare. Full Disclosure: Yr Wonkette is supported by you, the readers, so we don't suffer from the same smarmy practices because Editrix is a nice lady who is fair and pays us well, AND buys beer when she rolls through town in the Wonkebago. 💖[Editrix's note too also: If the kids want to unionize, I would be like yay!]

ICYMI: DEAD Breitbart got an exclusive chance to record Trump sputtering sentence fragments and half-baked brain farts where Trump threatens his critics (again). In this meandering series of threats and word vomit, Trump states his "people on the right" are "tougher" than those flower-peddling liberal do-gooders, adding, "I have the support of the police, the support of the military, the support of the Bikers for Trump – I have the tough people, but they don't play it tough until they go to a certain point, and then it would be very bad, very bad." Hey, you know who else used Nazi biker gangs and Little Green Men to start an insurrection and overthrow a government?

Speaking of Nazis, head of the Daily Stormer Andrew Anglin says he's afraid to come back to the US to face a lawsuit accusing him of terrorizing a Montana woman for being Jewish. Anglin has suggested meeting in Venezuela or Cuba to be deposed, but even his own lawyer says he is "not prepared to vigorously defend" Anglin's request. :(

A blog has collected images from Matt Haughey who took it upon himself to photoshop dildos in place of guns in the hands of Republicans.

It wasn't the subway carriage jostling to left, then the right, that had awoken Dame Peggington, it was the scoffing. The sharp-dressed man in front of her tried to turn away, but the crowded train car offered little respite. Dame Peggington noted his slicked hair and flashy suit, and was instantly reminded of the first time she met Ronnie in the Oval. This tense man, with his pursed lips and death grip on the subway railing, obviously came from good breeding stock and attended the finest universities (Yale? Harvard? Wharton?) on merit or legacy. He was not one of these New Rich little shits that coasted by on their networks with their parents' money. She saw a copy of The Journal under his arm and tried to speak, to let him know that underneath these soiled rags and empty gin bottles was another of stature, grace, and accomplishment, but all that came out was a foul and gurgling belch that echoed through the 5 train.

And here's your morning Nice Time! OTTERS!

Otters Enjoying a Special Easter

Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!

We're 100% ad-free and reader-supported, so consider buying us coffee, or get a subscription!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc