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'Nothing Will Ever Satisfy Them.' Wonkagenda For Tues., April 2, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!


Senate Democrats scuttled a $13.45 billion emergency aid bill for natural disaster victims in favor of a House bill that offers hundreds of millions more in disaster aid for Puerto Rico. Both bills ultimately failed to pass after Trump bitched out Republicans for giving money to the hurricane ravaged Not Americans in Puerto Rico, so Trump spent last night and this morning shitposting that he was "the best thing that ever happened to Puerto Rico" because he told all the poor people who've been used and abused by corporate lenders that they should shut the fuck up and be grateful he gave them anything at all.

In a series of poorly spelled shitposts, Trump decreed a Republican "HealthCare Plan" won't be voted on until "right after the Election ... when Republicans hold the Senate and win back the House." The incoherent ramblings come as Republican AGs in Ohio and Montana argue against scrapping Obamacare, stating, "Let justice be done, though the heavens may fall. But the District Court's ruling is wrong, and its errors threaten harm to millions of people in the Buckeye and Treasure states."

2020 Democratic candidate Sen. Amy Klobuchar released a dozen years of tax returns. The documents show she and her husband paid more than $62,000 in taxes last year. (Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand was the first of the 211 declared Democratic candidates to release tax returns.) Nobody is holding their breath for Trump's tax returns.

Pete Buttigieg's $7 million Q1 haul has shocked political wizards who didn't think an obscure gay mayor could carve out a slice of the 2020 pie. To put that in perspective, Sen. Kamala Harris raised $12 million thanks to a long list of supporters dropping around $50 bucks at a time. All that cash will come in handy as the "money primary" drags on for the rest of 2019.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren's finance director is leaving her 2020 campaign over her decision to swear off cash from super rich donors. Warren's money man reportedly asked her not to close the door on donors with deep pockets, arguing that "campaigns often collapse" when they run out of cash in the money primary. In a related story, the New York Times reports many donors continue to sit on their hands, so several 2020 candidates are quietly holding big ticket fundraisers in order to break out from the pack.

Axios gossips that the opportunistic Republican-turned-independent-turned-Democrat Mike Bloomberg is reconsidering running now that there are doubts about Joe Biden's 2020 candidacy. Bloomberg's "Yes men" say that his unlimited mega-billions make him a serious threat to any candidate, but "He couldn't get the math to work."

The Hartford Courant reports 43-year-old Amy Lappos is accusing Joe Biden of touching her in a weird, non-sexual way while she worked a fundraiser for Democratic Rep. Jim Himes. "He put his hand around my neck and pulled me in to rub noses with me," Lappos says. Biden's supporters maintain these events are being taken out of context, likening him to an emotional grandpa who's plays old-school grip'n grin politics in the #MeToo era.

Baltimore Mayor Catherine E. Pugh is taking an "indefinite leave of absence" after the Baltimore Sun found a major health care company spent $100,000 for copies of her "Healthy Holly" kids books while it was gunning for a $48 million city contract, while the state university whose board she sits on bought another half-million dollars' worth. Pugh's departure marks the second time in a decade a Baltimore mayor has been caught up in a corruption scheme, and comes as the city is knee deep in dead bodies for the fourth year in a row.

A federal judge has shot down another request by the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press to unseal court records that could reveal the name of Robert Mueller's Trump-Russia mystery company. Last week prosecutors asked the judge to keep the name of the Not American company a secret, saying their case was "continuing robustly."

WaPo reports the children of murdered Saudi journalist Jamal Khashoggi have been given million dollar houses and five-figure payouts from Mr. Bone Saw as part of "blood money" negotiations. In exchange for living in the lap of luxury, the family has reportedly been told to shut the fuck up about their father's murder, and curb any mean tweets about the kingdom.

NATO Secretary-General Jens Stoltenberg is in DC this week to shore up support against growing Russian fuckery. Stoltenberg is expected to meet with Trump later today when the mad king will likely explain how Putin has assured him he's not attempting to invade NATO countries.

Once again the UK House of Commons rejected a bunch of deals to avoid a "no deal" Brexit scenario. The good (and least confusing) news here is that a motion to hold a second referendum on Brexit came within 12 votes.

The Bureau of Prisons can't be happy the WSJ ran a story exposing how pharma bro Martin Shkreli was still running scams from behind bars. This morning Forbes reports the shitposting douche lord has been (ALLEGEDLY) thrown in solitary confinement while the BOP digs around bathrooms and buttholes in order to get to the bottom of Shkreli's latest scheme. LOCK HIM UP!

NICE TIME: South Bend, Indiana, mayor and 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg officiated a shotgun wedding at his office yesterday morning. The couple was on their way to the hospital for a scheduled C-section and decided to swing through Mayor Pete's office to get hitched before their baby was born.

And here's your morning Nice Time! IT'S TOPI!

APRIL FOOLS! - Topi the Corgi www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Nancy Pelosi is making news again today after her weekly press conference, mostly because she said this about yesterday's nutbag performance from President Stable Genius:

[T]his time, another temper tantrum — again — I pray for the President Of The United States. I wish him and his family, his administration and staff would have an intervention for the good of the country.

She prays for him. And she's just kind of suggesting that maybe the president is unwell, in his brain. She's being very subtle!

When Glenn Thrush asked afterward what kind of "intervention" she might be talking about, she suggested that Article 25 would be just fine.

But many folks out there right now are saying "BUT WHAT ABOUT INPEACH! They are not going to do an intervention, because the intervention is called INPEACH!" (They are taking her words very literally, it would seem.) Every other damn day lately, there is news about how "NANCY SAID INPEACH IS BAD" or "NANCY SAID TRUMP'S ACTIONS IS SELF-INPEACH-ATORY, WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN, NANCY!" and whatever else, we don't know, because we have muted all of Twitter until further notice. (Here is some news about the House Democrats' weekly meeting yesterday, most of which was about Democrats yelling INPEACH! while Nancy Pelosi gave them cold showers.)

Here's the thing:

In today's presser, Pelosi was clearer than ever about her feelings on impeachment -- she doesn't like it, and she'd really hate for the nation to get to a place where that's inevitable, she is just saying it would be truly terrible for them to have to do that -- but they might just be FORCED to go there. And wouldn't that be just terrible? Nancy Pelosi is praying about that just like she is praying for Trump, under a big oak tree that casts all the shade she threw at Donald Trump for her entire fucking presser.

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Happy Throwback Thursday! Remember Paul Manafort? He's still in jail, don't worry. But it looks like he might be getting some company soon from his old pal Stephen Calk, who just got indicted today by the Southern District of New York.

Calk was a simple CEO and COB at the Federal Savings Bank of Chicago, but he had big dreams. He'd been an army pilot and a money guy, so he figured he was competent to be either Secretary of Treasury or Secretary of Army. He'd take Commerce or HUD, or even a cool ambassadorship to France, or the UK, or the UN -- he wasn't picky. Just any old position befitting a guy who is 100 percent going to be played by Michael McKean in the movie version of this nightmare.

Luckily Calk knew a guy on the inside. Sure that guy had recently been You're Fired from the Trump campaign for ratfucking the Ukrainian election, but Paul Manafort was still waving his bits all over Trumpland in the summer and fall of 2016, so Paul Manafort had the hookup that Calk needed. Luckily, Calk had what Manafort needed, which was MONEY. Manafort's fountain of untaxed cash had dried up since the Ukrainians gave his guy Viktor Yanukovych the boot, and he was in danger of losing multiple investment properties to foreclosure. So naturally Calk stepped up to the plate with $15 million in loans to keep the wolves at bay, because what are friends with more political ambition than scruple for, right?

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