Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!
Trump is blaming the Obama administration (again) for his family separation policy that forces asylum-seeking immigrants to choose between Trump's tent cities or baby jails. After likening the death-defying journey by immigrants from Central American "shithole countries" to a "picnic" or a trip to Disneyland, Trump doubled down on blaming the black guy for a policy he literally just "You're Fired" senior DHS officials for being unable to implement. During an Oval Office press scrum ABC's Jon Karl pressed Trump on whether the policy would continue, to which Trump responded, "We're not looking to do that."
The Wall Street Journal reports the SDNY has MORE evidence of Trump's hush money payments than anyone knew, including recordings of phone conversations, cell phone location data, and interviews with Trump's most trusted stooges. The WSJ noted SDNY was super careful and quiet in order to avoid tipping anyone off under the assumption that Trump World (or Michael Cohen) would begin destroying evidence. HHMMM!!!
The recently quit-fired DHS head Kirstjen Nielsen is trying to rebrand herself as Mother Teresa for Mexican babies as opposed to their Aunt Lydia.
Yesterday Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin told Congress that Treasury Department lawyers have been speaking with the White House counsel's office about releasing Trump's tax returns. Mnuchin says there was no criming, and even if there was, he certainly wasn't involved! Mnuchin then bitched out House Financial Services Chair Maxine Waters for dragging his rich, snobby ass over to the Hill and making him miss an "important meeting," whining that she should "take the gavel and bang it" so he can GTFO.
Later today, Trump is expected to drop two executive orders making it easier for oil and gas companies to drill, baby drill. One order would streamline regulations involved in transporting liquified natural gas by rail and tanker trucks, and limit shareholder ballot initiatives that could slow down a company based on environmental or social concerns. The other is Trump declaring he is the god of all cross border energy projects, giving him the final say on all pipeline and infrastructure projects that cross international borders. What could possibly go wrong?
Former secretaries of State and Defense John Kerry and Chuck Hagel got bitched out by climate-denying conservative blowhards. Kerry and Hagel noted that the crisis in Syria didn't start until a 10-year drought, and noted increases in disease and migration patterns, as well as the military bases being affected by rising sea levels and natural disasters. Kerry also praised Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying she had "offered more leadership in one day or in one week than President Trump has in his lifetime on this subject."
New York Democratic senator and 2020 candidate Kirsten Gillibrand had a town hall on CNN last night where she admitted she was wrong about past conservative views on immigration and guns, and that she wasn't sure if the government should make vaccinations mandatory. Gillibrand then defended taking money from big pharma, her friendship with Hillary Clinton, and her faith.
Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins raised more than $1.1 million in Q1, but only $9,200 came from her constituents. Roll Call reports Collins only received donations from 15 Maine residents, and only two of them gave donations of less than $200. Political wizards note that Collins polls well back home, but her electoral margins have become narrower in the last two cycles, suggesting she has a real fight on her hands in 2020.
Trump posted some dumbass video on Twitter that APPEARED to be a 2020 campaign ad, but sadly it was ripped down by Twitter for TOS violations stemming from copyright infringement. The two minute video used music from the 2012 film "The Dark Knight Rises" while flashing photos of Hillary Clinton and a butchered Gandhi quote about how Trump is the best dictator in the history of presidenting, and definitely not a bigly racist. Warner Brothers -- whose recent merger with AT&T the Trump administration attempted to block -- has confirmed it is taking legal action.
The world's worst house guest, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, says he's being spied upon in the Ecuadorian embassy and that his "eviction" could happen at any time. If this smelly bastard had any proof he'd have shown it, so here's an ostrich dance party.
Texas religious nuts want to criminalize abortion and sentence any baby-killing hussy to death row. The bill would treat abortions as homicides, and homicides carry the death penalty in Texas. The whole thing is the brainchild of Republican state Rep. Tony Tinderholt, a five-time married crank who tried to introduce the bill in 2017.
Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu appears poised to secure his fifth term in office, according to early voting results, after siding with anti-Arab racists.
Russian dictator Vladimir Putin emerged shirtless riding a bear and beating his bird chest to scream vindication, just like his thin-skinned orange puppet. "A mountain gave birth to a mouse," Putin said of the sprawling Mueller investigation that ultimately concluded Russia interfered in the 2016 US elections, and saw charges brought against 12 Russian military intelligence officers, as well as indictments for over a dozen other Russian individuals.
Earlier today New Zealand's Parliament voted almost unanimously to ban semiautomatic weapons, giving gun owners until the end of September to turn over their boomsticks via a buyback program. New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern stated, "We are ultimately here because 50 people died, and they do not have a voice." In related news, on March 27 Facebook suits quietly told members of the House Homeland Security Committee that Facebook's auto-flagging system couldn't strike down video from the shooter spreading across its platform because there was "not enough gore."
Last year Trump went to Mt. Vernon with French President Emmanuel Macron and the only way the tour guide could keep Trump interested was telling him George Washington was rich and had a real-estate empire. Trump reportedly said Mt. Vernon was too small, and commented he could have built the place better and with less money. Upon viewing the bed where Washington passed away, Trump fondled the bedpost and stated, "A good bed to die in."
Current and former Trump minions have a secret society where they get drunk and talk shit about people in a crappy oldies bar in DC's DuPont Circle neighborhood. It's mostly a bunch of young Republican douchebags who don't understand why the rest of the city hates them and wishes they'd all piss off back to the flooded and fucked flyover states they came from.
ProPublica reports Congress is about to pass a new measure that would bar the IRS from creating a free e-filing system that could hurt the balance sheets of companies like Turbotax in exchange for those companies keeping a version of their product free. Since the vast majority of Americans make less than $66,000, they have access to free tax software provided by the companies, but only three percent of people ever use them. Critics argue tax companies deliberately upsell their paid products in order to discourage people from using free services. Most developed countries already have free e-filing systems provided by the government, so really this is just a bipartisan measure to turn hyper-capitalism up to 11.
An Ohio woman who in 2017 became the first person to plead guilty to a new law banning sex with animals has been arrested after ALLEGEDLY robbing a bank 500 yards from her residence. Police reportedly found her by following a trail of footprints left in the snow around the corner and up to her front porch.
A Florida man was arrested for scamming a local Kmart for a few hundred bucks a week after buying a multi-million dollar island. The scheme was a simple bait and switch: He would buy items from Kmart, swap them out with random crap, then return them for a full refund and pocket the cash. The 59-year-old Andrew Francis Lippi tells the Miami Herald the employees should have known something was wrong when he'd swapped out a Keurig coffee maker with a basketball. "Basically it has to do with a commercial dispute," Lippi says, "The way it was handled by Key West police and the Monroe County Sheriff's Department was wonderful. Some of the finest people I've ever dealt with who were kind throughout the whole process."
And here's your morning Nice Time! REPTILE BABIES!
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Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.
