OBAMA DID IT. Wonkagenda For Wed., April 10, 2019


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today!

Trump is blaming the Obama administration (again) for his family separation policy that forces asylum-seeking immigrants to choose between Trump's tent cities or baby jails. After likening the death-defying journey by immigrants from Central American "shithole countries" to a "picnic" or a trip to Disneyland, Trump doubled down on blaming the black guy for a policy he literally just "You're Fired" senior DHS officials for being unable to implement. During an Oval Office press scrum ABC's Jon Karl pressed Trump on whether the policy would continue, to which Trump responded, "We're not looking to do that."

The Wall Street Journal reports the SDNY has MORE evidence of Trump's hush money payments than anyone knew, including recordings of phone conversations, cell phone location data, and interviews with Trump's most trusted stooges. The WSJ noted SDNY was super careful and quiet in order to avoid tipping anyone off under the assumption that Trump World (or Michael Cohen) would begin destroying evidence. HHMMM!!!

The recently quit-fired DHS head Kirstjen Nielsen is trying to rebrand herself as Mother Teresa for Mexican babies as opposed to their Aunt Lydia.

Yesterday Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin told Congress that Treasury Department lawyers have been speaking with the White House counsel's office about releasing Trump's tax returns. Mnuchin says there was no criming, and even if there was, he certainly wasn't involved! Mnuchin then bitched out House Financial Services Chair Maxine Waters for dragging his rich, snobby ass over to the Hill and making him miss an "important meeting," whining that she should "take the gavel and bang it" so he can GTFO.

Later today, Trump is expected to drop two executive orders making it easier for oil and gas companies to drill, baby drill. One order would streamline regulations involved in transporting liquified natural gas by rail and tanker trucks, and limit shareholder ballot initiatives that could slow down a company based on environmental or social concerns. The other is Trump declaring he is the god of all cross border energy projects, giving him the final say on all pipeline and infrastructure projects that cross international borders. What could possibly go wrong?

Former secretaries of State and Defense John Kerry and Chuck Hagel got bitched out by climate-denying conservative blowhards. Kerry and Hagel noted that the crisis in Syria didn't start until a 10-year drought, and noted increases in disease and migration patterns, as well as the military bases being affected by rising sea levels and natural disasters. Kerry also praised Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying she had "offered more leadership in one day or in one week than President Trump has in his lifetime on this subject."

New York Democratic senator and 2020 candidate Kirsten Gillibrand had a town hall on CNN last night where she admitted she was wrong about past conservative views on immigration and guns, and that she wasn't sure if the government should make vaccinations mandatory. Gillibrand then defended taking money from big pharma, her friendship with Hillary Clinton, and her faith.

Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins raised more than $1.1 million in Q1, but only $9,200 came from her constituents. Roll Call reports Collins only received donations from 15 Maine residents, and only two of them gave donations of less than $200. Political wizards note that Collins polls well back home, but her electoral margins have become narrower in the last two cycles, suggesting she has a real fight on her hands in 2020.

Trump posted some dumbass video on Twitter that APPEARED to be a 2020 campaign ad, but sadly it was ripped down by Twitter for TOS violations stemming from copyright infringement. The two minute video used music from the 2012 film "The Dark Knight Rises" while flashing photos of Hillary Clinton and a butchered Gandhi quote about how Trump is the best dictator in the history of presidenting, and definitely not a bigly racist. Warner Brothers -- whose recent merger with AT&T; the Trump administration attempted to block -- has confirmed it is taking legal action.

The world's worst house guest, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, says he's being spied upon in the Ecuadorian embassy and that his "eviction" could happen at any time. If this smelly bastard had any proof he'd have shown it, so here's an ostrich dance party.

Texas religious nuts want to criminalize abortion and sentence any baby-killing hussy to death row. The bill would treat abortions as homicides, and homicides carry the death penalty in Texas. The whole thing is the brainchild of Republican state Rep. Tony Tinderholt, a five-time married crank who tried to introduce the bill in 2017.

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu appears poised to secure his fifth term in office, according to early voting results, after siding with anti-Arab racists.

Russian dictator Vladimir Putin emerged shirtless riding a bear and beating his bird chest to scream vindication, just like his thin-skinned orange puppet. "A mountain gave birth to a mouse," Putin said of the sprawling Mueller investigation that ultimately concluded Russia interfered in the 2016 US elections, and saw charges brought against 12 Russian military intelligence officers, as well as indictments for over a dozen other Russian individuals.

Earlier today New Zealand's Parliament voted almost unanimously to ban semiautomatic weapons, giving gun owners until the end of September to turn over their boomsticks via a buyback program. New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern stated, "We are ultimately here because 50 people died, and they do not have a voice." In related news, on March 27 Facebook suits quietly told members of the House Homeland Security Committee that Facebook's auto-flagging system couldn't strike down video from the shooter spreading across its platform because there was "not enough gore."

Last year Trump went to Mt. Vernon with French President Emmanuel Macron and the only way the tour guide could keep Trump interested was telling him George Washington was rich and had a real-estate empire. Trump reportedly said Mt. Vernon was too small, and commented he could have built the place better and with less money. Upon viewing the bed where Washington passed away, Trump fondled the bedpost and stated, "A good bed to die in."

Current and former Trump minions have a secret society where they get drunk and talk shit about people in a crappy oldies bar in DC's DuPont Circle neighborhood. It's mostly a bunch of young Republican douchebags who don't understand why the rest of the city hates them and wishes they'd all piss off back to the flooded and fucked flyover states they came from.

ProPublica reports Congress is about to pass a new measure that would bar the IRS from creating a free e-filing system that could hurt the balance sheets of companies like Turbotax in exchange for those companies keeping a version of their product free. Since the vast majority of Americans make less than $66,000, they have access to free tax software provided by the companies, but only three percent of people ever use them. Critics argue tax companies deliberately upsell their paid products in order to discourage people from using free services. Most developed countries already have free e-filing systems provided by the government, so really this is just a bipartisan measure to turn hyper-capitalism up to 11.

An Ohio woman who in 2017 became the first person to plead guilty to a new law banning sex with animals has been arrested after ALLEGEDLY robbing a bank 500 yards from her residence. Police reportedly found her by following a trail of footprints left in the snow around the corner and up to her front porch.

A Florida man was arrested for scamming a local Kmart for a few hundred bucks a week after buying a multi-million dollar island. The scheme was a simple bait and switch: He would buy items from Kmart, swap them out with random crap, then return them for a full refund and pocket the cash. The 59-year-old Andrew Francis Lippi tells the Miami Herald the employees should have known something was wrong when he'd swapped out a Keurig coffee maker with a basketball. "Basically it has to do with a commercial dispute," Lippi says, "The way it was handled by Key West police and the Monroe County Sheriff's Department was wonderful. Some of the finest people I've ever dealt with who were kind throughout the whole process."

And here's your morning Nice Time! REPTILE BABIES!

Reptile babies in the house

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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