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It'll Buy Me A Boat. Wonkagenda For Thurs., May 30, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


While Trump was attempting to lift sumo wrestler trophies in Japan, the Navy was frantically trying to hide the USS John McCain. Since it's not easy to move a docked ship that's under repair, sailors -- who wear hats with the ship's name -- were given the day off and a tarp was thrown over the side of the ship to block its name. After the WSJ broke the story, both President Tantrums and Meghan McCain shitposted their butthurt. Acting Defense Secretary Pat Shanahan denies knowing anything about the plan to hide the McCain, but last night CNBC got its hands on the orders.

Nancy Pelosi is calling Facebook "willing enablers" of Russian fuckery for not taking down bogus videos of her. Speaking with KQED, Pelosi said, "I wonder what they would do if Mark Zuckerberg wasn't portrayed, you know, slowed down, made to look [drunk]." Facebook has responded by saying it doesn't have a policy regarding fuckery, adding that it's "not in the news business."

Hillary Clinton also weighed in on the videos during a commencement ceremony at Hunter College. Clinton called it "sexist trash," and added social media companies know damn well jerks are spreading misinformation and fuckery, but they won't do anything until people demand it.

Democrats (and even some Republicans) are livid Trump is running around Congress and selling weapons to the Saudis. So far all attempts to rein in Trump's growing war boner have been stymied by Republicans in the Senate who don't think the Senate Armed Services Committee should be debating war powers, a move Kaine likened to the fight scene in Dr. Strangelove.

Rick Perry's Energy Department is hoping to dress up fossil fuels with more badass American sounding names, like "freedom gas" and "molecules of freedom."

The House Oversight Committee has scheduled a hearing on DC statehood later this summer. Earlier this year DC's non-voting delegate in the House, Eleanor Holmes Norton, introduced a bill to make DC the 51st state. DC Mayor Muriel Bowser says, "We are not asking for a handout — we are demanding our fundamental rights as American citizens, and the rights for which many of our residents have fought and died."

Details about the first Democratic debate are still scant as campaigns try to figure out who they'll be debating next month. Politico reports campaigns are struggling with debate prep because they have no idea if they'll get stuck at the kids table with all the Tim Ryans.

A number of lesser-known 2020 Democratic candidates are pissed the Democratic National Committee is raising the bar for the second debate. They argue the DNC's new requirements will force them to blow up donor inboxes and cut campaign staff from early primary states in order to try and meet the threshold, but the DNC says they're simply trying to weed out all the Tim Ryans.

Montana's slap-happy Republican Rep. Greg Gianforte is considering a run for governor, and that's got the state's asshole Auditor Matt Rosendale eyefucking Gianforte's congressional seat.

FEMM, a fertility app that claims to help women get a handle on their menstrual cycles, is secretly funded by a super anti-abortion hedge funder and a bunch of Jesus freaks. The Guardian reports the app sucks up data about va-jay-jays and tries to brainwash women into not using hormonal birth control.

The Louisiana state legislature passed one of the nation's strictest abortion bans, 79 to 23, with more than a dozen Democrats supporting the bill. The state's Democratic governor, John Bel Edwards says he'll sign the bill. NPR notes the bill would ban abortions once a heartbeat is detected, which often happens before a woman even knows she's pregnant.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu's inability to form a coalition government has forced new elections this September. Vox has a good 'splainer breaking down all the politics, but the main issue is Netanyahu's conservative Likud party refusing a proposal to draft ultra-Orthodox Jews into the military. The WSJ points out that Netanyahu still faces corruption charges after also failing to grant himself immunity, leaving his own future on shaky ground. And all of this comes as Jared Kushner just arrived on a field trip in an attempt to sell his Middle East peace plan.

The Chinese are threatening to choke off the supply of rare earth minerals in response to Trump's trade war. Since rare earth minerals are used in cell phones, cars, cancer treatments, and missiles, some bean counters are sounding alarms, but others think it's just more splashing in the US and China's pissing contest.

The Aussie teen known as "Eggboy" has donated $69,000 to people affected by the Christchurch shooting. Will Connolly became an international cult hero after he smashed an egg on a right wing politico who likened the massacre to Muslim migration.

In a long and forgettable profile, Michael Wolff tells the New York Times that he doesn't check his facts because he just "knows" when something is true. For instance: I know Michael Wolff is a douchebag because a someone in a bar told me he's a douchebag.

Trevor Noah summed up how Robert Mueller keeps beating around Trump's obstruction herpes.

Robert Mueller's Public Statement on the Russia Investigation | The Daily Show www.youtube.com


And here's your morning Nice Time: IT'S TOPI!

CORGI'S 5th BIRTHDAY! -Topi the Corgi www.youtube.com


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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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