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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


Last night Trump shitposted that he would start mass arrests of undocumented immigrants next week. The Washington Post reports the plan has been in place for some time, but previous administration officials weren't heartless enough to order stormtroopers into major cities to start kicking down doors and kidnapping entire families.

Iran is threatening to push past the limits on its enriched uranium stockpiles in a little over a week unless other signatories of the JCPOA step in to help it skirt sanctions placed by the Trump administration. In response to Iran's threats, the US is rattling its own saber by sending an additional 1,000 troops to the Middle East. The Japanese are demanding more proof from the US that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps was involved, so the US Navy doubled down with the release of color photos appearing to show the IRGC detaching mines from the Japanese ship Kokuka Courageous in the Gulf of Oman last week. NBC News is reporting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will meet with military brass at CENTCOM HQ in Tampa, Florida, later today, "to discuss regional security concerns and ongoing operations." Meanwhile, Politico reports the administration and Republican war hawks want to justify a use of force via laws enacted for 9/11 in an effort to avoid asking Congress for permission to go on another Middle East murder mission. In addition to ALL of that, Russia is accusing the administration of having a war boner, and warning against "unthinking and reckless pumping up of tensions in an explosive region."

Bean counters are getting worried that Trump's trade wars could trigger a sweeping recession. Among their litany of fears are Trump's threats to slap tariffs on Japan, the EU, Canada, and Mexico on top of those imposed on China, as well as ANOTHER potential government shutdown over debt limits and spending cuts later this year. This comes as India announces tariffs on 28 US products, some as high as 70 percent, from food products to chemicals and metals.

McClatchy has a good story on Florida's local businesses being screwed by Trump's trade war, and how people aren't happy that Senators Marco Rubio and Rick Scott are telling business to stop worrying and learn to love bankruptcy.

Political wizards are pretty confident that Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell doesn't have to worry about reelection next year, but he's still chumming red meat for the base. During an appearance on Fox and Friends yesterday, McConnell told gun-humping guest co-host Dan Bongino that there's no question he'd "absolutely" fill an open SCOTUS seat because Republicans control the Senate. When McConnell was then asked about pushing through the 9/11 Victim Compensation Fund, per the emotional pleading of Jon Stewart in the House last week, McConnell made jerk-off motions and called Stewart "all bent out of shape." Stewart then appeared on Stephen Colbert last night to apologize for slut shaming McConnell.

Jon Stewart Won't Let Mitch McConnell Off That Easy www.youtube.com

Trump is set to "officially" kick off his reelection in Orlando later today, but behind the scenes his campaign is running around like headless chickens. In the face of more bad polling, Trump's 2020 team is "You're Fired"-ing their own pollsters and sending them to Trump super PACs. Meanwhile, Trump's campaign manager and patchy pubic beard aficionado Brad Parscale is getting the old gang back together, making regular emergency calls to Katrina Pierson and Corey Lewandowski every time Trump throws a tantrum and changes their messaging.

It's not just bad polling and a string of terrible headlines that has Trump World reeling: Their network of mega donors seems to have dried up. Gabe Sherman gossips that the Mercer family is pissed about the lack of return on their investment, and the only reason they ever backed Trump was a belief that Hillary Clinton was a baby-eating socialist.

Instead of saving his breath, time, and money, and just announcing a run for the Senate, Montana Democratic Gov. Steve Bullock plans to spend both DNC debate nights bitching to local TV news stations about not being invited. Bullock, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen!

Some 22-year-old asshole grabbed an assault rifle, a bulletproof vest, and other assorted tactic-cool gear and shot up the Earle Cabell Federal Building in Dallas yesterday. The Daily Beast reports the shooter recently defended Alex Jones, and regurgitated Confederate and Nazi memes on social media. Tom Fox, a Dallas Morning News photojournalist caught in the crossfire, happened to capture a photo of the shooter moments before he opened fire on unsuspecting civilians. There are no reported injuries, and the shooter is the only reported fatality.

An anti-public transit Bible thumper in Phoenix, Arizona, claims Jesus judged and smited a local politician who was fighting to expand a light rail system. Phoenix Mayor Kate Gallego denounced the Jesus freak, who runs a local automotive window tinting shop, calling it "a new low."

Paul Manafort won't have to worry about making any friends in prison after Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Rosen sent a letter to Manhattan prosecutors saying Manafort is special, and shouldn't be sent to New York's infamous Rikers Island. Rosen says he's been watching over Manafort('s case), and doesn't think the former head of the torturer's lobby should be forced to tiptoe around criminals who weren't afraid to get blood on their hands. And to think Bill de Blasio went through all that trouble getting detainees registered to vote last year!

The ratings are in and it looks like nobody gave a shit about Trump's interview with ABC's George Stephanopoulos. Politico reports that people were more interested in watching tennis and "60 Minutes" than they were watching Stephanopoulos suffer through 30 hours of Trump's rambling bullshit. For comparison, a stale game show in the same time slot got almost twice as many viewers the week before. SAD.

Lawyers for victims of the Sandy Hook massacre say Alex Jones's legal team sent out kiddy porn. Jones publicly denied the claim on his show Friday by yelling, "You're trying to set me up with child porn," and then appeared to threaten one of the victims' lawyers by declaring, "One million dollars to put your head on a pike."

Facebook has unveiled its own magical internet funny money, Libra. Mark Zuckerberg is hoping his Bitcoin clone will skirt major financial systems that are backed by governments because it's based the same blockchain technology that lets people buy drugs and hire assassins on the dark corners of the internet. What could go wrong?

And here's your morning Nice Time: BABY GOATS!

Goat Kids Slip & Slide www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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