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Can't Nobody Tell Me Nothing! Wonkagenda For Tues., July 2, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


ProPublica found current and former border agents had a private Facebook group where they shitposted about immigrants (and immigrants' deaths) in US custody, and made crude, sexual memes of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Members of Congress are fucking livid as the story broke just as a dozen House members toured a Texas concentration camp border facility containing asylum-seeking migrants. CBP heads say they've asked DHS to launch (another) IG investigation into what ProPublica described as active-duty federal officials shitposting about the sexual assault of a sitting member of Congress, and joking about the deaths of small children in their custody.

While he was dicking around with dictators in Japan, Trump held a staring contest with Tucker Carlson where he rambled and threatened to "do something" about homelessness in US cities, and bitched about his "possibly illegal" conspiracy to shrink the size of his Twitter followers.

Chairman of the House Oversight Ccommittee Elijah Cummings sent another nastygram to White House Counsel Pat Cipollone saying that Democrats are still looking into EMAILS from Trump World. White House goons maintains THEIR EMAILS are not like HER EMAILS because THEIR EMAILS never murdered Ben Ghazi in the imaginary basement of a DC pizza joint.

House Democrats are investigating claims by a DEEP STATE whistleblower inside the State Department that Mike Pompeo has been using his security detail as a "UberEats with guns." CNN reports Pompeo has been ALLEGEDLY ordering his taxpayer-funded detail to pick up his Chinese food, fetch his kid from the Metro-accessible Union Station in DC, and pick up his dog from the groomer. A special agent in charge of the Diplomatic Security Service doesn't dispute that these incidents happened, and defends the Pompeo family's requests as being consistent with their gig. SPOILER ALERT: It's not.

WASPY White House director of strategic comms Mercedes Schlapp is joining the Trump campaign to help with Latino outreach, according to a shitpost by Trump's pubic beard aficionado and 2020 campaign manager Brad Parscale. Look at it this way: Now she can't be found guilty of violating the Hatch Act like a common Kellyanne.

People in Joe Biden's camp are upset that his fellow 2020 Democratic presidential rival Sen. Kamala Harris is accusing Biden of being sexist, with Biden surrogates telling Politico that Harris nuked her chances of being Biden's VEEP earlier in the year. Harris's surrogates say, "It's disingenuous for people to say she doesn't have a right to speak" about her experience being a multi-racial woman because "she's running for president of the United States." Personally, we'd advise the anonymous Biden surrogates would do well to just shut the fuck up, but then they're probably just whining about the latest CNN polls that show Harris and Sen. Elizabeth Warren closing the gap.

Yesterday we told you about the Fourth of July TrumpApalooza in DC. Trump has since doubled-down and claimed that festivities would include "new" Sherman and Abrams tanks, military flyovers, and special VIP access (for donors). My sources inside DC's alphabet soup are disputing the campaign's plans with a lot of eye rolling and shruggy emojis, stating that the campaign has changed major plans for the event on an almost daily basis for months. Lucky for you I'll be there (with as much reporting gear as I'm allowed to carry) to find out what the hell is going on! (Send us money!) FUN FACT: DC hasn't allowed tanks on its streets since the end of the Gulf War due to the infrastructural, logistical, and security nightmares, and there's insanely strict regulations about airspace over DC, and military and government aircraft.

Chicago police are working on implementing a new requirement that CPD report every time they point a gun at a person. The rule was supposed to take effect yesterday, but it's been delayed "to ensure alignment and proper implementation." This is all part of a consent decree reached with Obama's Justice Department. #ThanksObama.

A seven-person jury is now deliberating on the fate of Navy Chief Eddie Gallagher, the special operator accused of murdering a teenaged ISIS combatant in custody. Before turning the case over to the jury for deliberation, the judge overseeing the case reminded them that witnesses defending Gallagher had lied on the stand in an attempt to take the fall for Gallagher's ALLEGED war crimes.

Iran has broken the limits on stockpiles of low-enriched uranium first set by the 2015 JCPOA. Since the US pulled out and nullified the deal, and both Trump and Iranian hardliners keep stroking their warboners, it really doesn't matter.

While Trump was in South Korea begging the South Korean president to invest in US businesses, his empire of trash palaces was attempting to strong arm a new Trump resort in Indonesia. The whole thing is a bit wonky, but the rub is that the South Korean government partially owns a construction company involved with the project. It's unknown if Trump brought the issue up during his meeting with South Korean president Moon Jae-in, but it wouldn't be too surprising.

A test of the abort system for NASA's Orion crew capsule will be held later today, and its success or failure could define the US space program for years to come. If the critical safety system fails, so do the administration's dreams for the SPACE FORCE, the Lunar Gateway project, and a manned mission to Mars.

If you get a chance, check out the Washington Post's great in-depth story about a massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico off the coast of Louisiana. Maybe this is all part of the MAGA agenda.

Atlanta-based rapper Lil Nas X came out of the closet this past weekend. Lil Nas X is the brains and voice behind that country-rap song, "Old Town Road," that your kids keep blasting. Ye-fucking-haw, y'all, gay rodeos are about to get so much more awesome!

On Sunday John Oliver 'splainered warehouses and how some of the inhumane horse shit companies do to the slaves indentured servants is all part of the plan to get us dirt cheap junk. "Whatever the cost."

Warehouses: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) www.youtube.com

And here's your morning Nice Time: IT'S KOLA, RED PANDAS!

Cute Kola the Red Panda www.youtube.com

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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