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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about after we remember to adjust our alarm clocks and get some coffee!


Can you believe it's only been eight days since the start of Paul Manafort's tax fraud trial? Yesterday grouchy old Judge T.S. Ellis admitted his mind ain't what it used to be, and grumbled he shouldn't have shot prosecutors for taking too long to show Paul Manafort's complex scheme to launder millions in Ukrainian blood money through bank loans. The jury will please ignore the bullet holes. Prosecutors also asked that a conversation about Manafort's henchman-turned-witness, Rick Gates, be sealed, suggesting that Gates is still spilling his guts to Mueller's team.

Robert Mueller's mystery chats with the Manhattan Madam have people wondering just how screwed Nixonian rat fuck Roger Stone might be now that everyone in his orbit is snitching on the role Wikileaks played in stealing HER EMAILS back in 2016

A US District Court Judge stopped a plane and threatened to hold Jeff Sessions in contempt after immigration officials had the balls to try and deport a woman and her daughter while her lawyer argued for political asylum. And Sessions would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling ACLU kids!

Melon Trump's parents are now US citizens. You see? Trump is still letting in some people.

With pursed lips and a puckered asshole, Mike Pence detailed how Trump's new Space Force is going to make Reagan's Star Wars program look like a Buck Rodgers wet dream, complete with robots, pew-pew lasers, and lightsabers, to combat the sad jokes the Chinese and Russians call their space programs.

Recently released CIA cables show the agency definitely tortured people at a secret prison in Thailand while now CIA Director Gina Haspel was in charge, making it impossible that Haspell didn't know people were being waterboarded under her leadership. The most disturbing part is the nonchalant and bureaucratic term used: "water treatment."

As f'ball season gets underway, players are kneeling on the field, raising fists or sitting out the national anthem to protest extrajudicial murders by trigger happy cops. How dare they inject politics into a violent sport that creates brain trauma!

Ex-con and sore loser Don Blankenship is yelling at what's left of the West Virginia state Supreme Court in a new lawsuit to appear on the ballot as a Constitution party candidate this November. Unfortunately, the state Republican party just impeached the entire Supreme Court.

Kansas voter fucking Secretary of State Kris Kobach says he'll recuse himself from state vote counting efforts after previously throwing a tantrum and refusing to step aside.

Michael Avenatti has been running around Iowa setting up the stage for a potential run at the White House in 2020 after realizing that any idiot could run for president. #HesRunning.

This weekend DC is bracing for a march by Nazis and white supremacists in stupid costumes this weekend. The city expects about 400 assholes to descend on Lafayette Square, across from the White House, and as many as 1,500 counter protesters.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Tiny goats!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Y'all saw that crazy shit that happened at the White House today when Chuck 'n' Nancy went to visit Trump to talk about averting a government shutdown, and Chuck 'n' Nancy ended up playing foosball with Trump's face while he screamed "WALL!" over and over again? It was so great.

During the meeting, Trump interrupted Pelosi a whole lot, and she responded by not giving a fuck and making fun of him to his face about how all she does is win, while Trump was left to whine about how nobody ever talks about how "he" won the Senate for the GOP. (The Senate election schedule, which heavily favored Republicans in the 2018 midterms, won the Senate for the GOP.)

When Pelosi walked out of the White House, she looked like some kinda badass spy walking away at the perfect moment, right before the building explodes. (We are not saying Nancy Pelosi blowed up the White House! OK fine, she did it WITH VOTES.)

But Pelosi's day of dick-punching Trump right in his orange face was not over!

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James Alex Fields mugshot

This morning, after spending Monday hearing victim impact statements, the jury in James Alex Fields's trial -- which on Friday found him guilty on all 10 counts he was charged with -- delivered their sentencing recommendations.

For the murder of Heather Heyer, the Charlottesville jury gave Fields a life sentence and a fine of $100,000. For each of the three charges of aggravated malicious wounding, they sentenced him to 70 years and fines of $70,000. For each of the five charges of malicious wounding, 20 years in prison and fines of $10,000, and nine years for the hit and run. All in all, this comes out to a life sentence plus 419 years and $480,000. Judge Richard Moore accepted the jury's verdicts, but will hold off on officially sentencing Fields until March 19.

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