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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about after we remember to adjust our alarm clocks and get some coffee!


Can you believe it's only been eight days since the start of Paul Manafort's tax fraud trial? Yesterday grouchy old Judge T.S. Ellis admitted his mind ain't what it used to be, and grumbled he shouldn't have shot prosecutors for taking too long to show Paul Manafort's complex scheme to launder millions in Ukrainian blood money through bank loans. The jury will please ignore the bullet holes. Prosecutors also asked that a conversation about Manafort's henchman-turned-witness, Rick Gates, be sealed, suggesting that Gates is still spilling his guts to Mueller's team.

Robert Mueller's mystery chats with the Manhattan Madam have people wondering just how screwed Nixonian rat fuck Roger Stone might be now that everyone in his orbit is snitching on the role Wikileaks played in stealing HER EMAILS back in 2016

A US District Court Judge stopped a plane and threatened to hold Jeff Sessions in contempt after immigration officials had the balls to try and deport a woman and her daughter while her lawyer argued for political asylum. And Sessions would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling ACLU kids!

Melon Trump's parents are now US citizens. You see? Trump is still letting in some people.

With pursed lips and a puckered asshole, Mike Pence detailed how Trump's new Space Force is going to make Reagan's Star Wars program look like a Buck Rodgers wet dream, complete with robots, pew-pew lasers, and lightsabers, to combat the sad jokes the Chinese and Russians call their space programs.

Recently released CIA cables show the agency definitely tortured people at a secret prison in Thailand while now CIA Director Gina Haspel was in charge, making it impossible that Haspell didn't know people were being waterboarded under her leadership. The most disturbing part is the nonchalant and bureaucratic term used: "water treatment."

As f'ball season gets underway, players are kneeling on the field, raising fists or sitting out the national anthem to protest extrajudicial murders by trigger happy cops. How dare they inject politics into a violent sport that creates brain trauma!

Ex-con and sore loser Don Blankenship is yelling at what's left of the West Virginia state Supreme Court in a new lawsuit to appear on the ballot as a Constitution party candidate this November. Unfortunately, the state Republican party just impeached the entire Supreme Court.

Kansas voter fucking Secretary of State Kris Kobach says he'll recuse himself from state vote counting efforts after previously throwing a tantrum and refusing to step aside.

Michael Avenatti has been running around Iowa setting up the stage for a potential run at the White House in 2020 after realizing that any idiot could run for president. #HesRunning.

This weekend DC is bracing for a march by Nazis and white supremacists in stupid costumes this weekend. The city expects about 400 assholes to descend on Lafayette Square, across from the White House, and as many as 1,500 counter protesters.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Tiny goats!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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