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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about after we remember to adjust our alarm clocks and get some coffee!


Can you believe it's only been eight days since the start of Paul Manafort's tax fraud trial? Yesterday grouchy old Judge T.S. Ellis admitted his mind ain't what it used to be, and grumbled he shouldn't have shot prosecutors for taking too long to show Paul Manafort's complex scheme to launder millions in Ukrainian blood money through bank loans. The jury will please ignore the bullet holes. Prosecutors also asked that a conversation about Manafort's henchman-turned-witness, Rick Gates, be sealed, suggesting that Gates is still spilling his guts to Mueller's team.

Robert Mueller's mystery chats with the Manhattan Madam have people wondering just how screwed Nixonian rat fuck Roger Stone might be now that everyone in his orbit is snitching on the role Wikileaks played in stealing HER EMAILS back in 2016

A US District Court Judge stopped a plane and threatened to hold Jeff Sessions in contempt after immigration officials had the balls to try and deport a woman and her daughter while her lawyer argued for political asylum. And Sessions would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling ACLU kids!

Melon Trump's parents are now US citizens. You see? Trump is still letting in some people.

With pursed lips and a puckered asshole, Mike Pence detailed how Trump's new Space Force is going to make Reagan's Star Wars program look like a Buck Rodgers wet dream, complete with robots, pew-pew lasers, and lightsabers, to combat the sad jokes the Chinese and Russians call their space programs.

Recently released CIA cables show the agency definitely tortured people at a secret prison in Thailand while now CIA Director Gina Haspel was in charge, making it impossible that Haspell didn't know people were being waterboarded under her leadership. The most disturbing part is the nonchalant and bureaucratic term used: "water treatment."

As f'ball season gets underway, players are kneeling on the field, raising fists or sitting out the national anthem to protest extrajudicial murders by trigger happy cops. How dare they inject politics into a violent sport that creates brain trauma!

Ex-con and sore loser Don Blankenship is yelling at what's left of the West Virginia state Supreme Court in a new lawsuit to appear on the ballot as a Constitution party candidate this November. Unfortunately, the state Republican party just impeached the entire Supreme Court.

Kansas voter fucking Secretary of State Kris Kobach says he'll recuse himself from state vote counting efforts after previously throwing a tantrum and refusing to step aside.

Michael Avenatti has been running around Iowa setting up the stage for a potential run at the White House in 2020 after realizing that any idiot could run for president. #HesRunning.

This weekend DC is bracing for a march by Nazis and white supremacists in stupid costumes this weekend. The city expects about 400 assholes to descend on Lafayette Square, across from the White House, and as many as 1,500 counter protesters.

And here's your morning Nice Time! Tiny goats!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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