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INCONCEIVABLE! Wonkagenda For Mon., August 26, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


This year's G-7 meeting will end without much of a consensus on anything, and with Trump World inevitably claiming victory over the rest of the world. Some of the notable highlights: French President Emanuel Macron trolled Trump by inviting Iranian Foreign Minister Javad Zarif in an attempt to get support for the Iran nuclear deal, but there isn't any clear messaging about the outcome. The New York Times reports the world's leaders were determined to trick Trump into supporting global stability initiatives by schmoozing him instead of pissing off America's shitposting drama magnet.

Trump's TV economist Larry Kudlow tried to walk back comments made by Trump at the G-7 about ending his trade war with China by suggesting Trump's words don't mean what you think they mean. Early on Sunday morning Trump told reporters that he had "second thoughts" about ramping up his trade war with China, , but during an appearance on CNN's State of the Union, Kudlow said it was INCONCEIVABLE that the tariffs were bad, and that Trump wants to triple down on his trade war following a series of shitposts on Friday where he HEREBY ORDERED American businesses to create #Merican jobs, and that he was increasing tariffs on China. This morning, Trump is saying that the Chinese "want to make a deal," and that the Chinese had called HIM to restart trade negotiations. MEANWHILE, bean counters are continuing to dispute the administration's absurdly rosy nonsense, arguing that the GOP's massive inflation of the federal deficit, rising wage inequality, slow job growth, and Trump's tax cuts (for the super rich) are all driving the economy into the ditch.

The New York Times reports Trump World is trying to get journalists who write mean things about them on Twitter "You're Fired" by combing through really old social media posts via Twitter's advanced search feature. Brian Stelter notes this mind numbingly stupid hatchet job is being carried out by the same old lying bullshit artists who peddle conspiracy theories and carry water for Donald Trump Jr., and Will Sommer points out that that they've only found journalists and photographers who don't really cover Trump World anyway. If any of this sounds familiar, that's because the Daily Beast's Maxwell Tanni reported on this WAY BACK in January, suggesting the Times and Jeremy Peters and are just being lazy hacks (again).

Axios gossips that Trump has on multiple occasions suggested we bomb hurricanes into smithereens. According to aides, during one hurricane briefing Trump suggest we "nuke them," causing the lackey to comment, "You could hear a gnat fart in that meeting. People were astonished. After the meeting ended, we thought, 'What the f---? What do we do with this?'" Some science bitches over at NOAA have a memo on why this is a catastrophically stupid idea, and NatGeo has a 2016 article about how this is a bad idea left over from the Eisenhower era that just won't die (because people are dumb).

On Saturday the DNC voted down an initiative to hold single-issue debates due to language inserted by climate change activists. In its defense, the DNC says it doesn't really feel like changing the rules so late in the game, but activists say the Democratic party is only going to leave people bitching about pot, war and veterans, poverty, and race left out in the cold. Meanwhile, those tree huggers over at CNN are scheduled to hold a September 4 climate change town hall with all 10 candidates who've qualified for the third presidential debate.

Bernie Sanders says, if elected, he might continue Trump's trade war "in a rational way" because a free trade spooktacular will let us take our jobs back from the machines, or something.

Joe Biden's campaign says Trump's campaign is attempting to steal its donors because Googling "donate Joe Biden" turns up paid ads to donate to the Trump campaign. Biden's campaign says it can't stop the ads because they're "out of money to run online ads for the rest of the month." Political nerds say it's unclear who's behind the ad campaign, and note that it's unlikely to change anyone's mind. If it's any comfort, Joe, when Dok searched "Inslee drops out" last week, he got Tom Steyer ads.

Conservative troll and former congressman Joe Walsh has announced he's primarying Trump. Walsh says it doesn't matter that Trump's 2020 campaign is rolling in millions of Ameros, or that Trump has a death grip on the GOP's base because Trump is A Idiot. In an interview with George Stephanopolous, Walsh apologized for being a racist, sexist proto-Trump, saying he's had time to reflect on all the stupid shit he's said in the past. He can change, he can change.

Badass lady pilot Amy McMgrath has dropped a new ad attacking Mitch McConnell in in his dirty old man rocks. McGrath's new ad focuses on a group of coal miners suffering from black lung disease who were laid off and screwed out of their last paychecks. In July, the miners took a 10 hour bus ride to meet their senator, only to be given one minute with #MoscowMitch. McConnell's campaign has called the ad a liberal hippy attack on the clean coal jobs Trump promised to make great again, to which McGrath responded on Twitter, "Mitch McConnell has all the time in the world to cut taxes for rich people and corporations." [Ad]

“10 Hour Bus Ride" — Amy McGrath for U.S. Senate www.youtube.com


Convicted felon Joe Arpaio has announced he's running for sheriff of Maricopa County, Arizona again. In a statement, the disgraced racist says he plans to once again start locking up all the brown anchor babies sneaking across the southern border inside the back of bloody taco trucks with intravenous marijuanas up their butts. Arpaio says he'll also reopen his "tent cities" and build up his old insane clown "Posse."

An LA County sheriff's deputy has been has been fired and is under investigation for lying about being shot on Wednesday. Deputy Angel Reinosa, 21, reported he had been shot by a sniper while on the roof of the Lancaster station's helipad on Wednesday, August 21, triggering a massive police response. Yesterday officials said Reinosa had "fabricated" the incident, and in a social media post stated that they were "Angry. Embarrassed. Furious. Unbelievable. Ashamed."

A Florida man who shot and killed an unarmed black man in a convenience store parking lot has been found guilty of manslaughter despite a "stand your ground" defense.

There are at least five people dead and 19 wounded in the latest batch of weekend shootings in Chicago. It's a good thing guns aren't a problem!

During a meeting just before the G7, French President Emanuel Macron met with Russian President Vladimir Putin to talk about things Russia's dictator wouldn't be able to talk about with all the big kids on the world stage. But Russia's state-run media has doctored quotes (natch) to make it seem like Macron didn't call out Putin for attempting to snuff out pro-democracy protests in Moscow's upcoming municipal elections.

The first ever crime in space has been reported, according to the New York Times. Summer Worden, a former Air Force intelligence officer, claims her former spouse, Lt. Col. Anne McClain, illegally accessed Worden's bank account while McClain was aboard the International Space Station. McClain admits she took a peek at Worden's wallet (FROM SPACE) but only to make sure there was enough cash to handle personal family matters, and further denies she did anything nefarious. Over the weekend, McClain, who is on a shortlist to for NASA's return to the moon, tweeted that she had "total confidence" in the inspector generals investigation. But that sort of thing was so cute in that one car ad!

NASA needs space truckers to deliver supplies and haul away trash ahead of the planned return to the moon in 2024, and it's offering up $7 billion. The space agency is currently still lobbying Congress and the administration to support the initiative to get humanity off this rock (again). Yes, we're thinking of Cowboy Bebop and Deep Purple now, too.

And here's your morning Nice Time: WOLVERIINNNEESSS! ATTACK (with snuggles)!!!!!!

Wolverines at the Columbus Zoo www.youtube.com


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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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