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Here Comes The Story Of The Hurricane. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Sept. 5, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


As Hurricane Dorian increases in strength to a Category 3 storm and slowly lurches towards the Carolinas, it's left a pile of rubble and an increasing number of bodies in the Bahamas in its wake. With thousands listed as missing, many have turned to social media, crowd sourced spread sheets, and websites like DorianPeopleSearch.com for news on loved ones. A large international relief effort is underway that includes the British Royal Navy, the US Coast Guard, numerous aid groups, and first responders from cities across the country. [NOAA Alerts / Photos]

Meanwhile, with Hurricane Dorian lumbering up the East Coast toward the Chesapeake Bay, Trump called a press gaggle where he held up an almost week-old and doctored map of Dorian's path. When he was asked during a presser who had circled the state of Alabama with a big, black magic marker, Trump -- who's bragged about his custom-made Sharpie -- responded by saying, "I don't know; I don't know." The White House has since confirmed that the image was doctored with a Sharpie, then promptly bitched out the media for talking about it. Trump later dug his hole deeper last night by shitposting an even older map, and screaming he accepts "the Fake News apologies." Early this morning, Trump shitposted (again) that everyone was lying, and he was "accurate." Poor weather nerds, 'Yr Wonkette understand you're just trying to save lives! Fun Fact: Manipulating official government weather forecasts is a federal crime. [Morning Maddow]

For a little extra insanity, Marianne Williamson deleted a tweet telling people to pray the hurricane away. When reporters began asking Williamson what the hell she was talking about, Princess Star Scream began attacking members of the press for making her look like A Idiot.

Devin Nunes dropped his lawsuit against his own constituents and instead is suing Fusion GPS for doing a RICO. There's about 30 pages about Hillary Clinton, and your Five Dollar Feminist was last seen muttering and hitting herself about the head and shoulders. (No link to Daily Caller, which has the new suit.)

CNN held a climate change town hall with a bunch of the 2020 Democratic candidates. A bunch of candidates embraced the idea of a carbon tax, and almost everyone called for rejoining the Paris climate accords. (Not enough, guys.) In all, a bunch of stuff was discussed: Cory Booker talked about an all of the above approach to climate change, Beto dug up the corpse of cap & trade, Amy Klobuchar wants to ride a nuclear powered horse, Joe Biden needs you to trust him, and Kamala Harris said she would ram through the Green New Deal and take polluters to court ('cause she's a cop). [5 Takeaways]

The Trump administration is rolling back Obama-era rules to limit greenhouse gases by killing energy efficient lightbulbs. Hippie science nerds note the rule to make green light bulbs saved enough electricity to power all the homes in New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

NPR reports that a new student debt forgiveness plan enacted under the last Republican Congress hasn't actually been forgiving any loans. The scheme was created to make life easier for new public servants, but a new GAO investigation has found the Department of Education hasn't done a damn thing, processing 54,000 loan forgiveness requests and approving just 661. In a related story, last week Politico reported that Betsy DeVos finalized rules making it even harder for to cancel federal student loan debt if students were grifted by a shady for-profit college,

A federal judge has ruled that the FBI's terror watch list violates the constitutional rights of US citizens caught up in its database. In a truly scathing opinion, the judge writes, "An individual's placement into the [watch list] does not require any evidence that the person engaged in criminal activity, committed a crime, or will commit a crime in the future, and individuals who have been acquitted of a terrorism-related crime may still be listed."

Former Obama White House attorney Greg Craig was found not guilty of lying to the DOJ about his creepy work with the deposed Ukrainian dictator Viktor Yanukovych back in 2012. Political geeks note that this is kind of a kick in the pants for people who hoped to expose and limit Not American fuckery in the lobbying industry, but it does have the benefit of raining on Republicans who had hoped to rub this in the face of Democrats as a "gotcha" move to discredit Robert Mueller's investigation into Russian fuckery.

The House Judiciary Committee has dropped yet another subpoena on Trump World, this time for the DHS officials Trump ALLEGEDLY promised he'd pardon if they crimed for him.

Yesterday not one but TWO House Republicans decided they'll retire rather than face a possible "You're Fired"-ing from voters in 2020. Texas Republican Rep. Bill Flores announced he won't try to hold his suburban Texas district, and Wisconsin Republican Rep. James Sensenbrenner Jr. said he too would drag his ass back to Wisconsin. With Sensenbrenner and Flores, the total number of Republicans running from the Hill is now at 13; The Atlantic has a handy retirement tracker if you're having trouble keeping track of Republicans who are trying to dodge a shellacking.

Politico reports B. Barry Bamz and Eric Holder stole Republicans' 2010 playbook and are very quietly amassing an army of geeks to take back state houses (with votes).

Steve King drank water from a toilet at a concentration camp migrant detention center to prove how safe the water was. "I took a drink out of there, and it was actually pretty good." King reportedly told a crowd at a town hall, adding, "I smacked my lips." The Washington Post 'splains that King was actually drinking from a hybrid toilet-sink -- where a water fountain has been installed on top of the stainless steel tank -- and that they're common in prisons holding people who aren't bladder shy children. In order to prove he wasn't slurping from the bidet, King has shared video of himself sucking down baby jail toilet water, calling the story "clickbait for snowflakes." (It is.)

A new report by the Pentagon says sailors are still too fat to float, Marines have busted and broken bodies, and the Army and Air Force aren't exactly in fighting shape either. TLDR: Like the rest of #Merica, our troops are (still) too fat to fight.

The Taliban has claimed responsibility for yet another bombing in Kabul. This marks the second attack by the Taliban this week, and comes as the Trump administration continues negotiations with the Taliban about pulling out US troops. Yesterday, Time reported Secretary of State Mike Pompeo is wiping his ass with the peace agreement, citing senior US, Afghan, and European officials. Over the weekend, The New York Times reported Trump World was fighting with the CIA over a proposal to expand the CIA's role in Afghanistan, noting that CIA director Gina Haspell has no interest in running a shadow war in a "shithole country" so Trump can claim "Mission Accomplished."

Stupid Trumpian news grifter Jacob Wohl has charged with a felony (again) for ripping off an Arizona man, who has since killed himself after losing $75,000. Bye, Felecia, enjoy your toilet water!

Joe Biden went on Colbert last night to talk about what it's like to walk around with his foot perpetually stuck in his mouth.

Colbert Questions Biden About Being a "Gaffe Machine" www.youtube.com

And here's your morning Nice Time: IT'S CHOLE AND MARMALADE!

If It Fits, I Sits... www.youtube.com


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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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