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Peace In Our Time? Wonkagenda For Monday, Sept. 9, 2019

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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


On Saturday Trump shitposted that he canceled a super secret meeting at Camp David with Afghan Taliban leaders and Afghan President Ashraf Ghanni following the terrorist group's claiming of responsibility for a car bomb that killed 12 people, including NATO and US service members. The Washington Post gossips that Trump tried to "control the narrative" by revealing the meeting despite a number of Republicans (including Vice President Mike Pence and national security mustache John Bolton), former US diplomats, and administration officials who began telling every reporter in DC that negotiating with terrorists on the anniversary of 9/11 is bad optics and really fucking stupid. The New York Times further gossips senior administration officials were pissed about Trump Show: Live From Camp David, adding that Trump has been desperate to make it look like he pulled off a "deal," and it's unclear if the US envoy negotiating for the US with the Taliban was ever aware the meeting had been greenlit. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo did a rare full Ginsburg yesterday, jibber-jabbering to Chris Wallace that US forces would do "what they need to do," promising Chuck Todd that a pull out of Team America would "based on actual conditions," dodging questions from Margaret Brennan about troop levels, and bullshitting with Jake Tapper that US forces had killed over 1,000 Taliban fighters over the last few days. Politico reports Trump World is scrambling to spin this latest epic fail to its advantage by saying the boss won't sign off on a "bad deal," and that this is all part of some 3-D chess strategy, like China, Russia, North Korea, and Syria. Meanwhile, in Afghanistan, innocent people are scared of being stuck in the middle of a 20-year dick measuring contest. [MTP / FTN / FOX / SOTU]

Back in 2017, an Air National Guard crew made a strange stop en route from the US to Kuwait at Trump's trash palace in Scotland. This follows a Guardian report last week that revealed the US military had been using the cash-strapped public airport, and that it had cut a deal with Trump's local golf resort. The New York Times says records show that since early October of 2017, Uncle Sam has made 917 payments to the little airport that's been used as an overpriced gas station. Democrats are now asking the Pentagon if the administration is fueling a failing airport to keep traffic going to a failing Trump resort. On a related topic, the Times has another story about all the groups trying to carry favors with the administration by crashing at Trump trash palaces.

Weather geeks at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration were told by their political overlords not to make Trump look bad after he started relentlessly shitposting that Hurricane Dorian was headed for Alabama. As Trump continued drawing dicks all over weather maps, NOAA officials pissed off science bozos who actually know how to read maps by doubling down with unattributed statements in support of Trump's bullshit.

Trump wants to start ANOTHER trade war, this time with Europe. According to CNN, Trump wants to drop tariffs of up to $100 percent on $25 billion in items, including cheese, wines, meat, olive oils, and pasta. Mama mia, this mother fucker!

New EMAILS! The looming DOJ investigation into the FBI's handling of HER EMAILS shows Andy McCabe was trying to work with reporters covering his involvement in the 2016 investigation, and former DNI James Clapper defended McCabe as a real stand-up guy.

House Democrats are expected to hit the ground running as they return to the Hill today. On the docket are bills to fund the government and avoid another Trump shutdown, a gun control bill #MoscowMitch will never consider, NATO 2: The Milk Mafia Boogaloo, and getting cheap pills for grandmas. The big orange elephant in the room will of course be the House Judiciary's move to define the scope of a formal impeachment investigation, which would likely include grifting taxpayers, paying porn stars not to talk about his toad penis, and promising pardons if his minions are caught criming.

Former South Carolina Rep. Mark Sanford has launched a primary challenge to Trump in 2020. In an interview with Fox News's Chris Wallace, Sanford whined about what it means to be a conservative, saying he thinks the Republican Party has lost its way. In response, Trump's campaign spox Tim Murtaugh called Sanford's kamikaze run "irrelevant." Yesterday McClatchy reporter Emma Dumain gossiped that Sanford took a cheap Megabus from DC to New York and paid the $8 for the "premium seating" so he could get the "fantastic view." Naturally, Trump has mocked Sanford for his previous affair with his "soul mate" in several early morning shitposts.

Over the weekend the Kansas, South Carolina, and Nevada Republicans canceled their primaries. This way Trump World can save some money and ignore Death Star trench runs from jackasses like Mark Sanford, Bill Weld, or Joe Walsh.

Trump's 2020 campaign manage and pubic beard aficionado Brad Parscale told a gaggle of rich California Republicans that Trump and his family were setting up "a dynasty that will last for decades," and that the Great Leader is building an army of two million sycophants to carry his seed into the future. In a deeper dive, Politico reports this is all part of a "reboot" to energize California conservatives, but some in the state GOP lament becoming the "party of Trump," and worry that they're damned and doomed.

If you're the kind of person who gawks at flaming car accidents, the WSJ has a profile on "Front Row Joes," the ignorant, old jackoffs who have nothing better to do with their lives and Obamabuck$ than waste 1,000 hours driving across the country in the slim hope of being first in line at Trump rallies.

T.A. Frank writes in Vanity Fair that the shrinking middle class and rising wage inequality have fueled the rise of populist politicos, and if/when the next economic bubble bursts we could see a dramatic increase of divisive radicals.

Some political wizards over at Bloomberg think a recent boom in the Texas economy could flip the Lone Star State blue. TLDR: There's a lot of lefties moving to Texas for decent jobs, and they're starting to show Texas conservatives have a silver foot in their mouths.

After students in Hong Kong marched to the US consulate on Sunday to beg Uncle Sam to give them a hand, this morning Hong Kong's Beijing-backed brass told the US "not to interfere in any form." The protest and subsequent statement came in response to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi saying she hoped the House would pass a bill of support for Hong Kong last week. The AP reports that thousands of students formed human chains outside of schools across the city in a show of solidarity.

Just as it has for over four years, China is reporting an unbelievable 6.2 percent economic growth, but the Wall Street Journal thinks China is full of shit. Bean counters don't think the Chinese economy is falling off a cliff (yet), but they do suggest that -- between the lines of propaganda constantly churned out by state media -- Beijing's starting to flail.

Apple and Foxconn are accused of violating China's already lax labor laws in order to keep iPhones rolling out the door as quickly as possible. Apple denied anything hinky, and Foxconn says it's no longer using slave labor to make their fashionable and overpriced tricorders, but accusations say Apple was (again) exploiting workers in order to avoid raising the price of iPhones in response to Trump's trade war.

The AP reports Purdue Pharma will likely file for bankruptcy following the breakdown in settlement talks with attorneys general suing the pin-stripped pants off the hillbilly heroin makers. WOAH, if true!

Business Insider gossips some loose lips inside Trump World think the boss is "losing his shit," with his tantrums becoming even more erratic and absurd as he purposefully farts out fake news and disinformation whenever someone makes him look bad on tee vee. Shocker.

The Daily Beast gossips that Mark Halperin was pissed after MSNBC's brass scuttled his failed reboot of his career as a TV talking head. Halperin reportedly called up network chief Phill Griffin and tried to do a GAME CHANGE by issuing vague threats, but Griffin didn't appreciate Halperin trying to shove his cock on his face (like Halperin did to his female colleagues) and hung up.

The director of the MIT Media Lab, Joichi Ito, quit-fired himself this weekend after Ronnan Farrow detailed the Media Lab's financial ties to dead sex offender and alleged pedophile Jeffrey Epstein. In addition, Ito also walked away from his seat on the boards of the New York Times and the MacArthur Foundation. Kara Swisher opines Ito's downfall is part of a broader problem in tech where greedy techno-libertarian douchebags refuse to accept any blame for any damn thing.

John Oliver filibustered the filibuster, how conservative states representing only 11 percent of the US population have abused it to wrest control of #Murica, and why the founding fathers drank coffee from a fucking saucer. Weirdos.

Filibuster: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver www.youtube.com


And here's your morning Nice Time: SPY TORTOISE!

Spy Tortoise Adopted by Chimpanzee | Spy in The Wild | BBC Earth www.youtube.com


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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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