'It's A Joke!' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Sept. 26, 2019

'It's A Joke!' Wonkagenda For Thurs., Sept. 26, 2019

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Evan is liveblogging the (acting) DNI testifying to Congress. Join him, like now! Oh, and if you're interested, here's the whistleblower complaint!

Following the release of Trump's bugfuck summary "transcript" of his phone call with the president of Ukraine, America's grumpy, racist grandpa-in-chief spent the rest of the day peddling lies and declaring his innocence by concocting a conspiracy that this was (somehow) all Obama's fault. This morning there is now a majority of Democrats (217) who support impeaching the motherfucker (218 if you include independent Rep. Justin Amash), and Democrats plan to "strike while the iron's hot," and rapidly advance impeachment proceedings on Trump's easily digestible blackmail scheme. Publicly, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is leading Trump loyalists in circling the wagons, attempting to obfuscate Trump's latest ALLEGED high crimes and misdemeanors by calling them "laughable." Privately, Republicans tell reporters Trump FFFUUCCKKEEDD UP in releasing the rough transcript, and jeopardized their own chances in 2020. The Washington Post has a great gossipy piece on Trump World's spastic response to the whistleblower complaint, and how it could be a harbinger of their response to impeachment (IE: shout first, deny questions later). For the better part of the morning, Trump has been shitposting on social media from the confines of his safe space, firing off around 30 tweets and claiming that the stock markets would crash (again) if he's impeached.

HERE FOR IT: Ukraine and the Trump Impeachment Inquiry (Part 1) | Full Frontal on TBSwww.youtube.com

As Trump began throwing his minions -- including Vice President Mike Pence and Attorney General Bill Barr -- under the bus, yesterday the White House accidentally sent its talking points to House Democrats and they were promptly leaked to reporters. Politico adds that Trump's Ukrainium One shitstorm has hit the largely leaderless Pentagon like a ton of bricks.

Rudy Giuliani is trying to throw a part-time envoy to Ukraine, Kurt Volker, under the bus in order to take some of the heat off himself.

The administration has ordered a visa ban on Iranian officials and their families. The State Department says the officials and their families have "quietly taken advantage of America's freedom and prosperity" and with the resolution they'll "no longer be allowed into the United States to reap the benefits of our free society," like Wall Street, ketchup covered Trump Steaks, and porn stars. The ban follows a speech by Iranian President Hassan Rouhani at the UN General Assembly where he called the US "an enemy who uses sanction and poverty as a tool," and accused the Trump administration of committing "merciless economic terrorism" and engaging in "economic piracy." Rouhani also introduced a Middle East peace plan that he called the Hormuz Peace Endeavor (HOPE), the details of which are still TBA. [Full Speech]

The administration has announced another migration deal to send asylum seeking immigrants to Honduras, one of the most violent nations in the world, instead of the US. #MAGA

Seventeen states have filed a lawsuit to stop the administration from clipping the wings off the 1973 Endangered Species Act. In announcing the lawsuit yesterday, California Attorney General Xavier Becerra said, "We're coming out swinging to defend this consequential law; human kind, and the species with whom we share this planet, depend on it." [Lawsuit / Video]

Shortly after Trump accused California cities of having "tremendous pollution," this morning the EPA says it will tell California Democratic Gov. Gavin Newsom that the state was "failing to meet its obligations" to protect the environment. Instead of ripping fossil fuel companies, toxic chemical manufacturers, farmers, or automakers, EPA head Andrew Wheeler says all the homeless people are damaging the environment, and that this is Newsom's fault.

Joe Biden's brother, James Biden, pitched some suits at a healthcare firm that Joe's post-White House cancer moonshot would help them make oodles of Ameros. According to Politico, James told corporate greaseballs that the Biden Cancer Initiative would "promote an oral rinse made by the firm and used by cancer patients," and that James "directly invoked" Joe's name. A spox for James disputes the account, and Biden's camp is directing questions to a DC-based law firm. Politico adds that James is being sued for grifting his business partners, while business partners are being sued for breach of contract. It should also be noted that James seems to have had no involvement with the Biden Cancer Initiative. [Complaint]

Two of the SEAL Team 7 leaders who were shitcanned for a boozy July 4th party that resulted in the alleged rape of a female service member have filed an IG report accusing the admiral heading up Naval Special Warfare Command of making them "scapegoats." The SEAL Team 7 Foxtrot Platoon was recalled from Iraq in August amid a string of reports that US super soldiers believed they could kill or fuck whom and whatever they wanted without consequence.

Former super rich Republican Rep. Darrel Issa is expected to announce a primary run against INDICTED Rep. Duncan Hunter for the California 50th Congressional District later today. Apparently Issa couldn't get a gig in the Trump administration as director of the US Trade and Development Agency. Can't imagine why!

Axios gossips that Trump plans to turn Joe Biden into Hillary Clinton, assuming he's the 2020 Democratic presidential nominee. The plan is pretty simple, endlessly scream about HERHIS EMAILS, shitpost whataboutism, handjobs from Hannity and circlejerks from "Fox & Friends," and hope that nobody catches him grabbing 'em by the pussy (again).

New polls show support for Joe Biden plummeting in early primary states, suggesting Biden really is running in a statistical dead heat with Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Politico is reporting that support for Biden is "trailing" Warren in Iowa, and his seemingly unbreakable lead in Florida and South Carolina is cracking, losing 18 points in South Carolina alone. Biden's camp has consistently refused to comment on polls and the litany of bad headlines generated by the candidate, but he still (barely) leads in most national polls. [Politico South Carolina Poll]

Even though the conservative Likud (barely) lost in the Israeli elections, INDICTED Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been tapped by Israeli President Reuven Rivlin to form a coalition government over his opponent, Benn Gantz. Political geeks note that if Bibi can't form a government the country will likely head into its third election, extending his flimsy tenure as the state's leader.

Steve Bannon is dodging a subpoena by the FTC to explain his role in the Cambridge Analytica scandal. The process server hired to deliver the subpoena tells Politico, "One of his minions, I believe, went back and either called him or spoke to him and said, 'There's nothing we can do about it, bro.'"

Former Sen. Al Franken is getting a satellite radio show (again). The word on the street is that it'll be just like all his past radio show, and current podcast, but with Franken taking less of a hands-on approach.

A German man was driving on the Autobahn when he noticed a fire coming from his engine. He quickly pulled over and doused the flames with bottles of beer.

Joe Biden went on Jimmy Kimmel last night to say "it's awful hard" not to think Trump has abused the power of the presidency. [Full Interview]

Stephen Colbert has found some footage of other world leaders accusing Trump of trying to blackmail them too.

More World Leaders Reveal They Were Pressured By Donald Trumpwww.youtube.com

And here's your morning Nice Time:DOGGOS!

The Best Dogs Of BBC Earth | Top 5 | BBC Earthwww.youtube.com

Follow Dominic on Twitter and Instagram!

We're 100% ad-free and reader-supported, so consider buying us coffee, or get a subscription!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc