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The man who calls himself the president of the United States has announced that he plans to hold America hostage Tuesday night while he talks about the "humanitarian and national security crisis" at the border that he made up in his stupid dumb racist brain.

There have been rumblings from the president's egregiously large ass that he might even declare a national emergency to get his stupid damn racist border wall, something he really probably does not have the power to do.

But will the networks say fuck it and run it live? We certainly hope not. First of all, it's just going to be stupid propaganda and lies, and that's not what our primetime TVs should be wasting their time doing. As of this writing, none of the big networks has said yes.

Wonkette would like to give our encouragement to the networks to stand their ground, by telling you 10 things that would be waaaaaaaay better to watch tomorrow night at 9:00 PM Eastern, including all the things the big four networks are normally scheduled to play at that time. All of these are WAY MORE CRUCIAL to national security than watching that dick vomit out word salad.


10. "FBI" on CBS. We have never seen this show before, but it's about the FBI, which means COP SHOW, and it is from Dick Wolf, the creator of "Law & Order." MUST WATCH! (UPDATE: Nope! CBS caved, like a idiot. We never liked CBS anyway.)

9. Netflix. Seriously, just pick a show on there and watch it. We are finally getting caught up on "Orange Is The New Black" right now. Rebecca likes the show about "tidying up" with Marie Kondo, who is pretty much the leader of a cult.

8. Paint drying.

7. Rachel Maddow. If she runs the address from Trump, which she may or may not, go outside and make a fire in the fire pit and drink some liquor while that's happening, then come back and she will tell you all the times he lied.

6. "Blackish" on ABC. We have seen this sitcom a few times! It has Tracee Ellis Ross and it is about the life and times of an upper middle-class black family and it is funny! This is a better show to watch than "I Am Racist, Give Me Wall." (UPDATE: Nope! COWARDS!)

5. Go to your yard and see if there is a squirrel. Watch it do stuff.

4. Watch your spouse or significant other, if you have one. Ooh, are they being SEXXXY? Better pay attention!

3. Maybe you like superheroes! Then you might enjoy "The Gifted" on the Fox network! It is related to the X-Men stuff! There are mutants in it!

2. Is your puppy or cat being so cute right now? Take videos of them being cute during the 9:00 PM Eastern timeslot tomorrow night and put them in the comments!

1. "Ellen's Game of Games" on NBC. Seriously, would NBC even consider pre-empting this to show FuckMouth Von YapYap say racist lies about the border? If you have never seen this game show, it is THE BEST. Ellen DeGeneres asks people questions and takes perverse delight in hurling contestants through trap doors and up into the ceiling when they get the answer wrong. They get so scared because they think Ellen is going to kill them and make them dead! What idiots. They deserve it. (UPDATE: Oh man, fuck NBC News right now. We thought maybe they'd be the ones to hold out. All three of these networks better be fact-checking in real time, because fucker gonna lie.)

So there you go. Ten things that are better. (UPDATE: Or seven things.)

Of course the networks could always end up being total morons and running Trump's bullshit.

Which would be entirely unnecessary, as Jon Favreau points out.

No reason to treat Trump with more deference than they treated a real president whose approval rating was way more than a handful of bubbas in Alabama.

OK, it's been a crazy week, and it's only Monday. Have an OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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