10 Rules For The Senate's Interview With Our Precious Baby Boy Junior
At last! An agreement has been made! Donald Trump Jr. will testify for the Senate Intelligence Committee behind closed doors (boooooooooo) sometime in mid June-ish. Because that's how it works when you are Donald Trump's son, apparently. For all the rest of the humans who are Americans, if you get a subpoena from Congress, the "agreement" you make is that you go and sit your ass down and you answer Congress's questions, or you get held in contempt of Congress. But Junior gets concessions!
As the New York Times reports, there was almost no "agreement." His lawyers had taken to quill and parchment on Tuesday and pennedeth a letter that said the royal Uday would certainly NOT be sitting in a room with DEMOCRATS who were running for president who thought they were free to ask him questions, just because they're United States senators on the Intelligence Committee. Au contraire!
But they got it worked out, we guess.
The terms of the compromise include an appearance by Mr. Trump in mid-June, with the questions limited to about a half-dozen topics and the time limited to no longer than two to four hours, according to the person familiar with the discussions. Another person familiar with the agreement, who would not be identified, said the scope included more like a dozen topics.
According to a person completely unfamiliar with the discussions, a person Wonkette completely made up out of the blue just now, Junior also requires the following things, if His Preciousness is to appear:
1. Junior must receive one (1) red and blue foldy mat for naptime, which should commence no more than one and one half (1.5) hours into his testimony.
2. Please remove all the lions from any boxes of Animal Crackers you plan to give Junior at snacktime, as lions are scare him real bad.
3. No Capri Sun, as the straws present an unacceptable self-stabbing risk for Junior. Hi-C is better..
4. Junior is allergic to pollen, dust, cat hair, peanut butter and the truth. Please limit his contact with all these things.
5. No riding in cars with strange boys!
6. Junior is expected home for dinner at 6:00 PM sharp. Even if he tells you he "talked to his mom" and she said he "can stay over," do not listen to him. He cannot.
7. Junior, regrettably, has had some wetting problems from time to time. (ALLEGEDLY!) Please find enclosed an extra pair of underpants (marked "DJTJ") and a brand new pair of Dockers, just in case Kamala Harris asks him stuff. Additionally please be mindful that if he has to poop, he's unlikely to tell you, so just watch for the signs, which are admittedly difficult to discern on his face, because it kind of always looks like that.
8. Junior may have half a can of soda, as this is a special occasion. He should split it with his brother.
9. Junior has been instructed that if any Democrats try to embarrass him by asking him questions about things he has previously lied about, he is to scream "STRANGER!" until they stop.
10. Junior must wear his helmet at all times on the scooter, on the skateboard, or walking. Safety first.
Hooray, standoff over! After Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr endured unprecedented and highly inappropriate attacks from his own fellow Republicans, like Lindsey Graham, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee and Number One Fanboi of the president, attacks that undermined the institution of the Senate and Congress's standing as a coequal branch of government, thank Jesus they got the president's best boy to relent and agree to submit to a lawful subpoena.
Of course, to be fair, despite everything, Burr won, we guess, at least as much as he could have under the current circumstances. Instead of Junior continuing to stomp his feet and clap his hands along with Daddy's campaign to ignore and refuse all lawful oversight from Congress, he will at last appear, after reportedly standing up the committee a couple few times, which was what forced the subpoena in the first place. The senators will get to ask Junior about all the things he presumably lied to them about the first time, and unlike everybody else, and unlike Michael Cohen, who is currently sitting in a jail cell, partially for lying to Congress, Junior will get a do over. Current forecasts say there is still a 70 percent chance of Junior fucking this up, because he is very stupid.
They will ask him about the Trump Tower Moscow project he previously said he was only "peripherally aware" of, when the Mueller Report says otherwise. They will give him another chance to come clean about whether Daddy knew about Junior's Big Awesome Russian Treason Meeting in Trump Tower. They will see what he'd like to say for himself about why he signed porn payoff checks as part of a crime planned by "Individual-1" (Daddy) and executed by Michael Cohen and others (for which Michael Cohen is currently sitting in prison).
And then, assuming he doesn't just massively step on his own dick, it'll all be over! At least in the Senate. Adam Schiff is still out there, of course, and he's not as nice as Richard Burr.
Have fun being you, Junior! Wouldn't trade faces, we mean places, with you for all the money in the world!
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is ad-free and funded ONLY by YOU, our dear readers. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE.