'10 Things I Hate About James Comey': A Sad, Stupid Letter From Donald J. Trump

This picture is mean, we're sorry, no we're not.

Hahahahaha, oh boy howdy, it's funny when Trump has to turn documents over to Congress and to special counsel Robert Mueller.

Back when Donald Trump, who is the president, fired FBI Director James Comey, he lied and said he did it because of a bullshit letter written by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, which said Comey deserved to be terminated because he had treated Hillary Clinton SO UNFAIRLY in the emails investigation. Very soon after, we learned Trump had decided to fire Comey the weekend before Rosenstein wrote his crap letter. Soon after that, Trump said out loud to NBC's Lester Holt that he fired Comey because of the Russia investigation. He pronounced it "Rusher," though, because Trump speaks very broken English.

Now, special counsel Robert Mueller is taking a gander at a much earlier draft of Trump's "Fuck Comey" letter, which he reportedly dictated to beady-eyed titty baby white supremacist unfuckable troll virgin Stephen Miller over a weekend in May at Trump's Bedminster trailer park thingie. According to the Washington Post, it is MANY PAGES LONG! And it definitely mentions the Russia investigation, specifically the part about how Comey REFUSED to tell America Trump isn't under investigation. Why did Comey insist on hurting Trump's feelings so much, by refusing to publicly comment on an ongoing FBI investigation, like a common FBI director?

As the WaPo reminds us, the reason Comey did not want to tell the public Trump wasn't under investigation is because he would then have had to update the public if Trump ended up being a target, you know, like he clearly is now.

The New York Times reports that this early draft didn't go out because White House counsel Don McGahn was like "JESUS FUCK MAN, YOU CANNOT SHOW THIS TO ANYONE. DID YOU LITERALLY DRAW A PICTURE OF YOURSELF CRUSHING COMEY'S HEAD WITH YOUR TINY HANDS? DID YOU REALLY SAY YOU HOPE HE GETS HERPES?" We don't know if those were McGahn's exact words.

Neither the NYT nor WaPo actually has a copy of the letter, but Wonkette does (allegedly!) and besides bitching about Russia, it also too says the following things:

I hate the way you talk to me

And the way you cut your hair

I hate the way you drive my car

I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots

And the way you read my mind

I hate you so much that it makes me sick

It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you're always right

I hate it when you lie

I hate it when you make me laugh

Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you're not around

And the fact that you didn't call

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

What a loser.

Here's your open thread and stuff. Have a good holiday weekend!

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[Washington Post / New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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