Shut Up, Old Man! Wonkagenda For Tues., Dec. 18, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

The new Senate Intel Committee report notes that Russia's troll factory has been taking aim at Robert Mueller and his league of extraordinary investigators. The report shows the disinformation campaign has been a multi-faceted approach, driving wedges between the public and journalists, and using crowdfunding sites to con people out of Ameros.

Later today Trump's disgraced former NSC adviser Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn will find out if Uncle Sam will LOCK HIM UP for Christmas (probably not), and last night prosecutors released documents detailing how Flynn was caught lying to the FBI. During this morning's round of incessant shitposting, Trump screamed into the ether about the FBI and wondered what Flynn would tell the judge. Flynn already said, "I'm guilty," so it doesn't really matter what else he says, does it?

After being grilled by House Republicans about HER EMAILS and THE DOSSIER (again), James Comey started talking shit about Donald Trump and his congressional enablers, stating,“Republicans used to understand that the actions of a president matter, the words of a president matter, the rule of law matters and the truth matters. Where are those Republicans today?" Comey later added,"At some point someone has to ... stand up for the values of this country and not slink away in retirement, but stand up and speak the truth." JEEZY PETES! Tell us what you really think!

Following yet another disastrous day on Wall Street, global stocks sank (again) over night, triggering fears that we may be approaching a *gasp* recession. This fear is compounded by more Trump tweets screaming at the Fed to please not raise interest rates.

The Senate voted to move Jared Kushner's white collar prison reform bill to the Senate floor, 82-1. The bill's fate now sits in the hands of Republican Sen. Tom Cotton who tacked on a couple of amendments in an effort to sink the bill. Cotton has scribbled an op-ed for the National Review equating non-violent drug offenders with child molesters, because of course he thinks that. Facing pressure from Democrats who've long sought federal prison reforms, and a curious network of conservative megadonors who've suddenly grown a conscience, Republican leaders are worried Cotton's riders could kill the bill.

In yet another example of how easy is it to win a trade war, Trump's Agriculture Department has announced it's issuing another round of bailouts for corporate mega-farms producing soybeans, corn, pork, and dairy. Last month the New York Times reported the Trump administration had only paid out less than a billion of it's $12 billion farm bailout, and flyover country isn't happy watching crops rot in the field just so Trump can swing his dick. Last week Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue blamed OMB Director/Trump's acting chief of staff Mick Mulvaney for being stingy, and trying to "hold on to the money."

Congressional Republicans don't have a plan to deal with another government shutdown orchestrated by Trump. Politico notes Trump is purposely trying to "maximize drama" around a government shutdown, and Senate Republican are trying to concoct a scheme blaming everything on Democrats even if an overwhelming majority refuse to give Trump $5 billion for his goddamn wall. Meanwhile, Bloomberg reports Paul Ryan has already packed his balls and checked out.

Mississippi Republican Rep. Steve Palazzo wants the Treasury Department to issue bonds in order to fund Trump's goddamn wall just like in WWII. News Flash, asshole! Treasury bonds helped us kill the Nazis, not join them!

President of patchy pubic beards (and head of Trump's 2020 campaign) Brad Parscale has released the first Trump 2020 campaign ad. It features Parscale staring into a camera like a kidnapper demanding a ransom, and then he begs for you to donate money and uses stock footage to insist people call and thank Donald Trump for killing government regulations, screwing up the economy, making baby jails, and giving jobs to all the racially challenged urban poors. [Video]

If your blood is now boiling as much as ours, here are painted dog puppies.

The RNC is being swallowed up by Trump's 2020 campaign and calling itself "Trump Victory." The two orgs will share money, office space, and other resources to make it much harder for any other Republican to mount an effective primary challenge (*cough* Nikki Haley, John Kasich, Jeff Flake, Bob Corker, JEB! *cough* ). That'll also purge any non-loyalists from the party, and increase the potential for the Trump family to run a grift.

Buzzfeed is reporting that Democratic Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard might announce her 2020 plans as early as this week. Gabbard is currently poaching leftover Berniecrats and building a campaign based entirely on social media shitposts. Crom help us, #ShesRunning.

The Democratic mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigeg, has announced that he won't seek reelection. It's widely believed that the 36-year-old gay married Rhodes scholar and Afghan vet is running for president in 2020, though Buttigeg says he won't make any announcements until next year. #HesRunning

Tennessee Republican Sen. Lamar Alexander won't run for reelection in 2020. #HesNotRunning, he's just old. Bye, Felicia!

To highlight how completely incompetent the British Parliament is in denying citizens a second referendum on Brexit, John Oliver brought out Gilbert Gottfried to read Theresa May's proposal, and then read Bigfoot erotica. [Video]

Citing increasing military threats from Russia, China, and North Korea, Japan has decided to start refitting warships to carry US-bought F-35Bs over the next 10 years. Japan hasn't had an aircraft carrier since WWII, and they're not about to let China control the high seas with bootleg Russian boats, not matter how much the state-run Chinese press bitches and moans.

Former CBS chair Les Moonves has been straight up fired for being an ass grabbing scumbag. As a consequence, Moonves will no longer get his multi-million dollar golden parachute.

As part of a legal settlement with an exiled Chinese businessman, Roger Stone must admit he's a goddamn liar who used InfoWars to spread his filthy lies. In a statement to the Washington Post, Stone blames everything on Sam Nunberg. Per the terms of the settlement, Stone must admit to being a goddamn liar on social media, and run ads in the Washington Post, New York Times, and the Wall Street Journal.

Overgrown manbabies Alex Jones and Gavin McInnes were sitting in the Infowars hate dungeon crying about being deplatformed when they suddenly just started punching each other. The video is on YouTube (for now), but it won't be there for long!

Amnesty International has released the results of a study that analyzed Twitter's hate machines and found black women are 84 percent more likely to face harassment than white women. Imagine that! The report notes, "Twitter is failing in its responsibility to respect women's rights online" by constantly hiding behind the magic curtain of Silicon Valley. Maybe @Jack can meditate on all the Nazis, MRAs, white supremacists, and autocrats Twitter is protecting during his next retreat to some genocidal country?

And here's your morning Nice Time! A BIG CAT SNOW DAY!

Lynx & Leopard Snow Days

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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