2014: The Year All Rape Ended Forever Because It Never Existed Obviously

In the early days of 2014, the world was a simpler, happier place. Bill Cosby was still a kindly, grandfatherly funnyman and not a horrible monster rapist, and we all enjoyed playfully teasing him about his sweaters and Jell-O Pudding Pops until the joke was entirely played out and stale and not funny anymore, seriously, enough.

The very first hints that we might be living in a fool’s paradise came in 200520062007February of this year when a couple of ladies made some very vulgar suggestions about impropriety on the part of Mr. Cosby to Newsweek magazine, which everyone promptly ignored because Newsweek magazine didn’t actually exist at the time and besides, bitches always be saying shit, amirite?

And so rape culture turned its attention to the U.S. military, which good Americans love even more than Bill Cosby, so we promptly ignored the hell out of those allegations as well, except maybe to chuckle at the irony of the Army’s top prosecutor for sexual assault getting accused of sexual assault at a conference on sexual assault, because, come on, that’s some funny shit.

Then Brad Pitt had to go and remind us of all the unpleasantness in Steubenville by talking about making a movie of the thing, which no one would go see because it’s all awkward and unpleasant and no one wants to relive that, except that Brad is smart enough to make the movie about a dude who helped out the victim rather than the victim herself, because Brad understands America.

Speaking of movies and entertainment, which is a much more comfortable place for rape to be discussed than the real world, did you see that Game of Thrones where Jamie, who was rapidly turning into a sympathetic character, rapes his own sister over the dead body of their son? The scene is clearly rape to anyone watching: Cersei says stop FIVE TIMES and, in fact, it’s the last word before the scene cuts away. Except the writers, director, actors, editors, etc., didn’t think they were shooting a rape scene. They watched that scene and said, “Yeah, sure, she’s saying, ‘no,’ but you can tell she really wants it.’” Maybe that’s what they were going for (in the novel, Cersei is initially reluctant but does say yes), but that’s not what they gave us. Knowing that the real-life people involved in making that scene and airing it didn’t recognize rape when they saw it because that’s not what was going on in their minds when it happened… that is the most disturbing thing Games of Thrones has ever done.

And what about Louis C.K. who is playing himself on his own teevee program and the bad thing he did with the grabbing and the pushing and the forced kissing and more to that unwilling lady? It made us all very uncomfortable, which was probably the point, and made us think, which was probably also the point.

Back in the real world -- more specifically, Texas -- a rapist got sentenced to a year of community service at a rape crisis center, which the rape crisis center did not think was cool at all. Well, duh -- the real solution to rape, as Phyllis Schlafly patiently explained, is marriage. Married men don’t rape because they care about their wives and daughters, and married women don’t get raped. That’s just facts.

But what about all those women who are too young to get married, such as all those sexy, nubile, college co-eds who are still working on their M.R.S. degrees? Never you fear! The White House (by which we mean Ol’ Handsome Joe Biden, give credit where credit is due) solved the whole sexual assault on college campuses with a sternly worded report. But Glenn Beck did not approve of the White House report and said so in a “comedy” sketch with a dude in drag getting raped over and over and over again, if by “rape” you mean agreeing to sex, which Glenn Beck totally thinks you do. But why would you agree to sex and then claim rape?

Because sexual assault victim is a “coveted status that confers privileges,” says George Will, who limits sympathy and support to “real survivors of real rape.” Fortunately, internationally acclaimed ladyparts expert Todd Akin came out with a book right about this time to settle the issue once and for all, noting that Google had more than zero results if you search “stress” and “pregnancy” and therefore he was right about everything. And thus rape was reintroduced to America’s college campuses, and Rush Limbaugh rejoiced.

Then the Centers for Disease Control came out with a report that said 19.3% of American women have been raped, and there’s nothing really funny or snarky we can say about that.

Say, you know what is funny, if you don’t actually stop and think about it being a real crime with a real victim? These actual attempted defenses used by rapists this year:

Ugh. Not as funny as I’d hoped. Horrible, actually.

And then October rolled around. And Hannibal Buress had to go and open his big yap about Bill Cosby. Unlike with all those victims that had been coming forward for years and years, this time we had no choice but to listen. Suddenly, Cosby had to start cancelling appearances right and left, and he lost his Netflix and NBC deals, too. But, because social media is such an easily controlled environment filled with respectful patrons, Cosby’s PR team struck back against all the bad press by asking people to create new Cosby memes. When that didn’t work, Cosby tried bullying the press. Fortunately, the entire issue was resolved when CNN’s Don Lemon provided all of Cosby’s past and future victims with this indisputable, foolproof defense: #justbitehisdick.

Speaking of excellent advice to rape victims, Missouri lawmaker extraordinaire Rick Brattin says you should get your rapist’s permission in writing before having an abortion, oh, and also the local police, just to be sure.

After all, bitches be lying all the time. Just ask Rolling Stone.


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