2015: The Year Gay Became Mandatory And All The Christians Got Holocausted
Your new homosexual overlords.
If you are a filthy homosexual, 2015 was your year. If you are Kim Davis, or somebody like her, you are not reading this, because you have been martyred for your Sincerely Held Religious Beliefs, so much sadface. Let's look back on the year the "U.S." in U.S. and A stopped standing for "United States," and started standing for "Unrepentant Sodomites," shall we?
Open wide! The Supreme Court just put gay things in every innocent American's throathole!
It was a sunny day in June when Justice Anthony Kennedy issued the one sentence ruling that changed history:
UR ALL GAY NOW LOL!
[contextly_sidebar id="BYi02wtuqEmhg6WVHhDRABFivxs5kNpp"]OK just saying a tease, it was lots more sentences than that. But it legalized gay homosexual Adam and Steve marriage for all of America. The ruling was flowery and glittery, full of paragraphs that could roughly be translated, "I am a Supreme Court justice and I am making history right now, wocka wocka!" And then there were dissents from Roberts and Scalia that said, "GRRRRR MAD" and "Poppycock!" and "Pure applesauce!" (Just kidding, "Pure applesauce!" was in an Obamacare dissent.) If you're into reading Supreme Court rulings on New Year's Eve, click over to our handy Wonksplainer.
Of course, yr Wonket got EXCLUSIVE ACCESS to the case, because we are best pals with Thom Kostura and Ijpe DeKoe, two of the Tennessee plaintiffs what gayed America. Remember these loons?!
And here, again, is us with Thom and Ijpe and Other Wonkette Pal Dan Savage. We are the homosexual zeitgeist up in here, y'all!
[contextly_sidebar id="d3nDyq8h6fyvJm1tRG6i5gx1ONIQfxR5"]To read our interviews with the boys, click here and here. For our very earnest, sappy thoughts on what it all meant to be a gay and get forcibly gay married by the Supreme Court, read this.
Some states did not want to be throat-crammed with the homosexuals, but they did anyway GIGGLESNORT.
[contextly_sidebar id="tWGnzGs6zdY7yERrhrSS00PRu1B1WJRt"]Before the big gay ruling about same-sex schlonging, there were some states that tried to say, "Oh no you don't, we only get on our knees for Traditional Christian Heterosexual Boners." Indiana, in particular, just about embarrassed itself out of America with its Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA), a law dipshit Republican Gov. Mike Pence pretty much admitted he didn't understand. But they had to protect the Jesus-loving pizza makers of the state, by making it perfectly legal to discriminate against the homosexitarianists, in employment, housing, public accommodations, and what have you, right?
[contextly_sidebar id="QTK4XCO5M6iRAIjUo4lZ8CurDPf5hKRm"]Unfortunately, Big Business went apeshit and the state had to pass a watered-down version that accomplished very little of what the religious right wanted. A similar law in Arkansas got derailed the same week, when Gov. Asa Hutchinson, with the corporations in his state whispering sweet threats in his ear (hi, Walmart!), signed his own diluted RFRA.
[contextly_sidebar id="p3H1eyy3w7aYNtnizEId14nYRHdcF9Vt"]Down in Lou'siana, poor unhyphenated American Bobby Jindal tried SO HARD to get a Fuck The Gays bill through the legislature, but they wouldn't even pass a thing for him to sign! Then he tried to ass-ram his own executive order through, but that didn't do much damage, because corporations in HIS state beated him up on his droopy-eyed nutsac, and now the new governor, John Bel Edwards, has announced he will issue HIS OWN executive order that says "Fuck Bobby Jindal, the gays are cool."
[contextly_sidebar id="DnFfgGIAxQ4ha73KDYErl2iL5S19ZI7u"]Oh, also too, Houston repealed something called the HERO ordinance, which required all little boys to dress up as either Mariah Carey or Beyoncé and perform either diva's song titled "Hero" every Sunday during church. Just kidding, it was a routine ordinance that banned discrimination, again, in hiring and housing. But this time, because lots of very stupid Americans are FOR ACTUAL scared that child molesters are going to pretend to be transgender so they can haunt little girls' pottying rooms, Houston voters repealed it.
Oh and then this spittle-flecked adulteress Kim Davis came along and made it all about her, AS IF.
[contextly_sidebar id="6Z6BoravXUJ8sCeb8CrG0m22pVUrc6Xo"]Oh, Kim Davis, it was a special year for you, because you were a Kentucky clerk lady who just KNEW you were going to burn in hell if you signed a gay marriage license. You suffered in front of Pontius Pilate (a mean federal judge) for your courageous stand against the homos, you got crucified and dead and buried (sent to jail for a minute) and you got Orange Is The New Black-married to a sex lesbian inmate (probably). You've done a thousand adulteries to your various husbands, like a common whore. Your second and fourth husband Joe (or as we call him, "Otter Farts") wore his good hat when Mike Huckabee came to the jail for a conjugal "religious freedom" visit.
[contextly_sidebar id="Bvxztf9E76fnOSY6S4Q0tuMu6msZEgsO"]You meeted the pope, kinda sorta! He hates your jackhole guts, OBVIOUSLY. You're STILL suing the state of Kentucky over your various grievances, even though the new teabagger governor Matt Bevin has laid out the welcome mat and started tonguing your bagina in the religious liberty way, just like you like.
You will never be famous after 2015, goodbye, dumb lady, you suck a lot.
And then they rounded up all the Christian cake bakers, candlestick makers, flower arrangers and pole smokers and put them in camps forever.
These are the pizza bigots from Indiana, or maybe this is a screengrab from "Deliverance," we do not know.
[contextly_sidebar id="4GIf32oifuiPLDDrw2IYfXmafrS5vCQv"]What is there to say about these dick-cheesed, snot-anused ne'er-do-wells? There were the aforementioned Indiana pizza makers who raised $840,000 on GoFundMe, just for saying they'd never cater a gay wedding, with their shitty pizza. There were Aaron and Melissa Klein of Sweet Cakes By Melissa, who just PAID THE FUCK UP to the state of Oregon, for refusing to bake a cake for a gay wedding. There was Barronelle Stutzman, the bigot florist of Washington state, who just couldn't EVER bear to stick some flowers in a vase for these two homofag customers of hers.
[contextly_sidebar id="CXxPP9ZdVSByRFY3Md3keojKpTtp9v0e"]All of these people got richer, both on GoFundMe, and on other crowdsourcing platforms (after GoFundMe obeyed The Devil and decided it no longer liked raising money for common crimers). All of these people are bad, and they should feel bad.
[contextly_sidebar id="8lnOm0wujjoH04T0Bo6zXoqn3tgkJw3a"]Wonkette tried to get in on the GoFundMe action by retroactively firing Snipy for her lesbionomics, but she's back and we ain't got no GoFundMe moneys so HUH! Give us moneys.
There were others who got their religious freedom eated up, like these simple New York farmers, but we don't want to write any more words in this post, and also if we had a nickel for every whining fundamentalist Christian weaselfucker caterwauling about the gays, we'd have a bucket of nickels.
But it didn't matter because everybody was still gay, the end.
And there you have it. America is gay now, and the haters can suck their moms' nuts for all we care.
So, as all you homosexuals are going out to celebrate the victories of 2015 and ring in 2016, just remember, guys: It's New Year's EVE, not New Year's STEVE.
Just kidding, it can be New Year's Steve if you want, as long as Steve is willing. It's legal now, after all.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.