2018: The Year In Robert Mueller's Witch Hunt Finding SO MANY GUILTY-ASS WITCHES
Public service announcement: Don't pay attention to news reports that claim to have specific insider knowledge that Robert Mueller's investigation is almost over. The damn thing will be over when it's over, and we're pretty sure a lot of those news reports quote "unnamed sources" whose names rhyme with Judy Riuliani.
But since 2018 is ending, let's recap all of the people Robert Mueller -- and other courts, also too, in related investigations! -- has indicted, taken guilty pleas from, and sent to jail, and also those who have become cooperating witnesses. There are so many! If we missed one, say it in the comments!
Instead of writing out a big summary of what's going on with each person or entity, we will tell you some catchphrases like GUILTY AS FUCK or COOPERATING AS FUCK, or GOING TO JAIL AS FUCK, or ... you get the idea. We will also link to our most recent stories on them, so you know what's up.
GUILTY AS FUCK but was totally framed, obviously, because how could a National Security Adviser and former Director of National Intelligence be expected to know it's bad to lie to the FBI? Has been COOPERATING AS FUCK this whole time, with Robert Mueller's main investigation, and also some others. Is an absolute pain in the ass, from everything we can tell, and we could tell a lot from his sentencing hearing earlier this month, where he did not actually get sentenced. Now that will be happening in March of 2019.
GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY, BIG LIAR, BREAKS COOPERATING AGREEMENTS BY COMMITTING MORE CRIMES, LITERALLY CANNOT STOP HIMSELF FROM COMMITTING CRIMES WHILE IN FEDERAL CUSTODY, GO THE FUCK TO JAIL. Here's some of our recent coverage on where things stand with Manafort.
Cut a deal with Mueller to flip on Manafort this year, still cooperating as far as we know. Click here for a fun story about Rick Gates maybe doing NO COLLUSION with Israelis, wait did we say Israelis? Yes we did.
GOIN' THE FUCK TO JAIL! Cohen pleaded guilty to all kinds of crimes (campaign finance, bank fraud, etc.) in the Southern District of New York, implicated Donald Trump as an unindicted co-conspirator in the process. Then he pleaded guilty to a bunch of false statements involving the Mueller investigation. Has reportedly been cooperating like a VERY GOOD BOY with Robert Mueller, a fact the good prosecutors at SDNY think is interesting but not persuasive when it comes to how pissed off they are at how Cohen and his lawyers have behaved in their investigation.
Maybe went to Prague this one time in 2016 to do NO COLLUSION with some Russians spies and hackers, maybe he didn't, who knows? (Robert Mueller knows.)
Alex van der Zwaan
Remember that guy? Skadden Arps lawyer who did some dirty work with Manafort and pals in Ukraine and then lied about it? Never actually cooperated with the Mueller investigation but went to jail for a minute this past spring just the same? His father-in-law is a big Russian oligarch named German Khan, who is a co-founder of Alfa Bank, the Russian bank that did all that creepy crawly secret communication with a Trump Organization server during the campaign for reasons still unexplained? Yeah, THAT guy. Anyway, WENT TO JAIL AS FUCK! (For five minutes. Meh.)
You totally do not remember that guy, and please don't worry about it. He pleaded guilty to doing some sort of ID fraud for Russian bad guys who did bad stuff to America as part of Russia's campaign to ratfuck the 2016 election.
Dunno, forgot already. Oh wait, that's right, he pleaded guilty to violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act for his work in Ukraine with THREE GUESSES WHO! Also steered an illegal donation from a Ukrainian businessman to Trump's inauguration, because of course he did. And he lied to the Senate Intelligence Committee, because of course he did.
ALL THOSE RUSSIAN HACKERS!
Yeah, ALL THEM! Robert Mueller indicted the fuck outta all them, the Russian military intelligence goons who hacked all the Democrats! Read our breaking news report on when that happened right here.
ALL THOSE RUSSIAN TROLL FARM FUCKERS!
Oh yeah, ALLLLLLLL those Russian troll farm motherfuckers from the Internet Research Agency (IRA), who used bots and fake Twitter and Facebook profiles and fake Facebook groups to push people toward Trump, and to push black folks and Bernie supporters and weirdos who like Jill Stein away from Hillary Clinton. Mueller indicted them back in February! Click here to refresh yourself on all that.
Weird. Ass. Person. Conspiracy theorist who regularly drinks his own Kool-Aid, as far as we can tell. Married to this one BUGFUCK INSANE lady called Simona. Languished in jail for ONE WHOLE WEEK, after his guilty plea for lying to the FBI about his contacts with Russians promising sweet delicious Hillary Clinton emails, so obviously he came out of there with a new hairstyle and a prison nickname and had to catch up on a whole episode of all his favorite shows he missed, during his VERY LONG TIME in prison.
Maria Butina AKA Mariia Butina With Two I's! She is an actual Russian spy who infiltrated the NRA to get cozy with high-ranking Republicans! Her case isn't in Mueller's office, but she just did a plea deal with the feds after being arrested and charged over the summer, and some way or another she's cooperating with the investigation. Yes! A Russian spy, cooperating! Who's she flipping on, besides her weird-ass American GOP operative boy toy Paul Erickson? Dunno, but we bet it's a LOT of people.
The Lebanese-American lobbyist who's worked for Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates. Mueller nabbed him almost a year ago now, and he's been cooperating the entire time. Nader has had his paw prints on so many secret meetings and negotiations we don't even understand yet, including that bizarre meeting in the Seychelles just before the inauguration, the one Erik Prince (Betsy DeVos's Blackwater sadist brother) lied his ass off to Congress about. Oh yeah, and also the second Trump Tower meeting, on August 3, 2016, where a whole buttload of Middle Easterners curiously presented Donald Trump Jr. with a proposal to help buttfuck the election for Junior's dad. We still haven't wrapped our heads around the Saudi/UAE angle of the Russia investigation, but we have a feeling it's going to play a huge role in 2019, so go back and refresh yourself on Nader by clicking here.
Former White House counsel who always somehow comes off in news reports as the perfect angel in the room who stopped Trump from doing all the bad stuff! He spent a lot of time telling Robert Mueller his entire life story this year.
WHAT'S NEXT FOR 2019?
Jerome Corsi, Maybe! Roger Stone, Probably! And Donald Trump Jr., We Bet! And Jared Kushner? Maybe Ivanka!
Honestly, we have no idea who's next or what's coming. All we know is that there is a lot more of this story left to tell, and a lot more guilty people out there. We guess we will just have to keep covering the greatest scandal in American political history and see what happens!
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